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If someone tells you that you deserve better, it’s tough to know how to respond. Are they complimenting you or trying to let you down gently? We've done the research so we could share everything you need to know about handling this situation. We’ll start by discussing the most common meanings behind the phrase so you can figure out where the person is coming from. Then, we'll share a variety of replies you can try based on your specific situation.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
What does it mean when someone says you deserve better?
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The person who directed the comment has low self-esteem. They have a negative self-image and hold themselves to high standards that they think they can’t reach. When they see you, they probably admire you and think you have a lot to offer. Since they don’t believe they can measure up, they’ll doubt that they can make you happy or satisfy you. [1] X Research source
- In this case, they’ll put themselves down a lot and list their negative qualities.
- This person may respond well to compliments and reassurance.
- They’ll also need to focus on their own self-growth to gain some confidence.
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The person who directed the comment is not interested. They want a quick way to avoid follow-up conversations and would like to pursue dating other people. Since they want to be kind, they want to end the connection on good terms. Plus, they want the best for you, too. Their best case scenario is to find someone they’re compatible with and for you to meet a person who’s a great match, too. [2] X Research source
- They’ll usually focus on how you should find someone who’s a better fit.
- They might also admit that they didn’t feel a “spark” or chemistry even if they really liked you.
- They may also say that they hope you can meet someone who fully connects with you.
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The person who directed the comment can’t commit to a relationship. They just don’t feel they have the time or energy to focus on romance at all. They may have gone on a couple dates and realized that they’re actually really busy. It’s also possible that other stresses piled up in their life and they’re stretched too thin. In order to manage your expectations, they’ll let you know that they’re not in a good place for a serious connection. [3] X Research source
- They may say that you can meet up again when life calms down.
- They might also tell you it’s not personal and they wished it could’ve worked out.
- They’ll highlight that they just need to take care of themselves right now.
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Section 2 of 3:
Responding to a Rejection or Breakup
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Give a polite response to a gentle rejection. Smile and show that you’re understanding—if it’s just not a match, the best thing to do is to accept the other person’s choice. Tell them that you’re totally okay parting ways, then wish them the best with a friendly goodbye like: [4] X Research source
- “That’s totally fine! I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
- “Hey, no worries. It was fun hanging out.”
- “I respect that you know what you want! See you around.”
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Use a little humor if they weren't being really sensitive. If they were really blunt or worded a rejection in a way that wasn't friendly at all, feel free to lighten up the mood and show off your confidence with a chill comeback. Move on from any awkwardness with a sassy remark like: [5] X Research source
- "Yeah, you're probably right."
- "Off to go find my better half!"
- "Sounds good! I'm excited to see what's in store for me."
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Let them set the pace if they’re worried about rushing. Tell them that you’re not on any kind of timeline. Also say that you just enjoy their company. Check in and ask about how to create a situation that’s more comfortable for them. Maybe they want to talk less often or dial back some of the romance. Offer some adjustments with casual comments like: [6] X Research source
- “Don’t worry! I’m not looking to fall in love overnight. We can keep it chill.”
- “What’s a good pace for you? Maybe we should just catch up once a week?”
- “I’d actually really like it if we just took our time to see where things go.”
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Agree to keep it no-strings-attached if that’s what you both want. Let them know if you’re totally fine with a little fun that comes without any commitment. Explain that you’re in a good place to pursue that and get the go-ahead that this works for them, too. Be open to the possibility that you may get attached with a no-strings-attached relationship, though. If you’re willing to accept that risk, open up about your interests with direct and straightforward comments like: [7] X Research source
- “We can explore something casual. I’m looking for commitment right now."
- “I’m down to just have some fun! I’m not always in town, anyway.”
- “Sure! Let’s just keep things open-ended and chill.”
Gary Chapman, Relationship Counselor & Bestselling AuthorWhen someone suggests you deserve better, how you communicate next is pivotal. First, listen closely and ask follow-ups to discern their underlying message—are they doubting themselves or considering ending things? Respond compassionately and openly, stating your feelings about the relationship. This might present an opportunity for growth by allowing you both to voice concerns and reaffirm your commitment. The conversation could reveal insecurities or signal imminent change; either way, mutual understanding is essential to navigate this complex moment with care.
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If a breakup sounds final, accept it with grace and move on. Resist ways to talk them out of it if you sense they don’t want to put time or energy into a relationship. Just agree that you need to pursue what’s right for you, thank them for letting you explore something more fulfilling, and wish them the best. Go on your separate path with a send-off like: [8] X Research source
- “Thanks for taking the time to talk in person. I agree that this is for the best.”
- “You’re right—we have grown apart. It would be healthier to end things now.”
- “We just have to do what’s right for us. I don’t have any hard feelings.”
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Section 3 of 3:
Responding to Someone with Self-Esteem Issues
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Ask them to clarify what they mean to give an appropriate response. Start off with a simple question that invites them to explain themselves a little more. You'll get more context about where they're coming from, and you'll be able to buy more time to think about the right answer. A low-pressure opener can sound something like: [9] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- "I'm not sure what you mean by that. Can you say a little more?"
- "I'd like to understand where you're coming from. Why'd you say that?"
- "I don't know how to take that. Would you share more of your perspective?"
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Praise them if they claim you’re out of their league. List all of the qualities you respect and reassure them that there’s nothing to be insecure about. If they start to go on about all that you have to offer, laugh it off, stay humble, and bring the conversation back to them. Celebrate them with compliments like: [10] X Research source
- “Oh! I’m really not that special. Let’s talk about how awesome you are!”
- “That’s sweet of you to say. You’re super creative and driven. I’m drawn to that.”
- “I’m always blown away by you. I’d really love to get to know you even better.”
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If they seem unsure, ask if they were just caught up in the moment. Check for any signs that they’re stressed or struggling—maybe they have a confused expression or their comment sounded like a question. If you get the sense that they just said the first thing that came to mind, open up a dialogue with conversation starters like these: [11] X Research source
- “I thought we had a really strong connection. Where did that come from?”
- “What’s coming up for you right now? I’d love to know what’s on your mind.”
- “Did you really mean that or is that just a knee-jerk response?”
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Check in about their life balance—they might just be on edge. See if any stresses from work, school, social groups, or other responsibilities influenced what they just said. Ask if they’re worried whether they have the “bandwidth,” or energy, to date you. If they admit that’s the case, reassure them that you’re still there for them even when they’re drained. Learn about their situation with questions like: [12] X Research source
- “Do you feel like you don’t have the time or energy to date right now?”
- “Did anything big come up lately? Are you comfortable talking about it?”
- “Is a lot going on right now for you? I just want to be supportive.”
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If they’re worried about criticism, say they’ll always shine in your eyes. In situations where you’ve known each other for a while and have hit a rough patch, remind them that you’ll always admire them. Also point out that you respect how they navigate challenges. Reassure them that they enhance your life no matter what with praise like: [13] X Research source
- “I’m here with you every step of the way. You amaze me.”
- “I feel so fulfilled in our relationship. I wouldn’t change anything about you.”
- “I’m very satisfied. I don’t think I’m missing out on anything at all.”
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If they’re afraid of failure, say you don't have any expectations. Tell them that dating or a long-term relationship can get complicated sometimes—also point out that you’re not discouraged. Ask if they’re sensitive about making any mistakes, then say that’s impossible with you. Remind them that everything’s just a learning experience with pep talks like: [14] X Research source
- “There’s no judgment here. That doesn’t make me want to leave.”
- “We’re just learning and making it up as we go along. That’s okay.”
- “I don’t need things to be perfect. I just want to keep working on this.”
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References
- ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-esteem
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201403/signs-your-date-isnt-interested-in-you
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201803/10-signs-partner-whos-emotionally-unavailable
- ↑ https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/how-to-deal-with-rejection
- ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20160328-the-secret-to-a-quick-witted-comeback
- ↑ https://sjsunews.com/article/romance-is-not-dead-its-evolved
- ↑ https://www.dailyemerald.com/arts-culture/asking-for-a-friend-casual-relationships/article_b0202684-3511-11ec-b6b2-7f7e2bb8ab7b.html
- ↑ https://time.com/5406794/how-to-break-up-with-someone/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/03/relearning-the-art-of-asking-questions
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201602/4-ways-deal-insecure-people
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/feeling-stuck-how-to-express-your-feelings
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-you-and-me/201709/10-ways-fight-stress-spillover-in-your-relationship
- ↑ https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190805-the-benefits-of-being-blinded-by-love
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/managing-the-pressures-of-a-relationship
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