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Expert advice on deciding whether or not your marriage is unsalvageable
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This article was written by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden
. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 25,309 times.
Relationships are meant to lift you up and add to your life—but if your marriage is rocky, it can feel like it’s dragging you down instead. Making the decision to file for a divorce is never an easy one, and it’s one that you probably aren’t taking lightly. That’s why it’s important to decide if you’ve done all you can to save your marriage, or if it’s time to move on to the next chapter of your life. We’ve compiled a list of 16 different signs that could mean your relationship can’t be saved so you can make the right decision for you and your spouse.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Tara Vossenkemper, founder of Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Your marriage may be over if most of your interactions with each other are negative.
- If your emotional or physical needs aren’t met, then the relationship may be too far gone.
- If you feel like you’re just going through the motions or living like roommates with your spouse, then it may be time to end things.
Steps
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Negative interactions indicate that there are issues underneath the surface. If you feel like you and your partner constantly nag, nitpick, and fight with each other, it’s likely that you have some unaddressed feelings of resentment toward each other. A few negative interactions here and there are normal in any relationship, but if they’re becoming all that happens, your marriage is probably on the rocks. [1] X Research source
- According to experts, happy couples have a positive to negative interaction ratio of about 20:1. Couples who are heading toward divorce have a positive to negative interaction ratio of about 0.8:1.
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A lack of physical affection indicates deep-seated issues in the marriage. Physical affection doesn’t just mean sex, although it certainly includes it—it could also mean a lack of holding hands, hugs, or cuddling, too. If you and your spouse are no longer interested in having sex or being intimate with each other, it could mean that the marriage cannot be saved. [2] X Research source
- Similarly, if you aren’t attracted to your partner anymore, that’s a red flag. Physical attraction isn’t everything, but for most people, it’s a large part of a successful romantic relationship.
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If you feel ignored constantly, your relationship may be breaking down. In healthy relationships, partners support, comfort, and nurture each other no matter what. Think about your relationship in the past few months (or years): have you felt uplifted and like you could lean on your partner? Or do you feel like your needs are being ignored? [3] X Research source
- Keep in mind that your partner may not know that you feel this way. If you haven’t talked to your partner about your emotional needs yet, have a conversation with them.
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When you lose the excitement of the relationship, it could go downhill. This is not to say that your partner has to give you butterflies every day, since that’s unrealistic. But experts agree that when a couple has no excitement when talking about the past or looking forward to the future, there’s little that can be done to save the marriage.
- If someone asked you right now, “So, how did you two meet?” would you be excited to tell them? Or would you recite the story without much emotion?
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Partners avoid each other when they don’t want to deal with their relationship. You definitely don’t have to spend all day every day with your spouse, but quality time together is important for any relationship. If you find yourself staying at work late or making weekend plans to actively avoid seeing your partner, that’s a red flag. [4] X Research source
- Maybe you don’t want to deal with the inevitable fighting that happens, or maybe you two just don’t have a good time together anymore.
- If you would like to work on the marriage, consider spending more time together one-on-one. Plan fun dates and break the routine so you two can get out of the house together.
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Living like roommates typically means the spark is gone. You and your spouse might talk about household related topics, like chores or groceries. But when it comes to romance or passion, there really isn’t any. Sparks in a relationship tend to ebb and flow over time, but if you don’t see a way to get that spark back, it might mean the marriage is coming to an end. [5] X Research source
- Rest assured that there are ways to get the spark back in your relationship , especially if this is the only issue that you’re facing. Take a weekend away, just the two of you, and forget about all your other responsibilities for a few days.
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If you two have different life goals, one of you is likely to be unhappy. Marriage requires compromise, and you two should be on the same page when it comes to the future. If you can’t see yourself living with your spouse long-term, then it may be time to go your separate ways. [6] X Research source
- This can be over something relatively small, like which city you want to live in, or something large, like whether or not you want to have children.
- The first step here is to talk to your spouse and see if you two can reach a compromise that works for both of you. If you haven’t tried that yet, start there.
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When friends and work come before a relationship, it’s a red flag. There are very few things that you should put in front of your partner, and you should always be thinking about your spouse’s needs in your daily life. If you find yourself blowing off plans with your spouse to hang out with friends or ignoring their calls to stay longer at work, you might have checked out of the relationship. [7] X Research source
- Keep in mind that your children, if you have any, should be your priority as well.
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A lack of respect is one of the top predecessors of divorce. If you look at your spouse and find yourself thinking that you just can't respect them anymore (for whatever reason), it may be hard to get that respect back. If you’re willing to work through your problems with a couple’s counselor, you may be able to; otherwise, it’s a sign that the marriage isn’t working anymore. [8] X Research source
- It’s the same on the flip side: if you feel like your partner doesn’t respect you anymore, it can be tough to save the relationship.
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Thinking about a future without them shows you want things to end. When you think about moving forward, are you on your own? Or is your spouse right there with you? If you catch yourself daydreaming about your single days or planning out your next move after a divorce, it’s probably time to end things. [9] X Research source
- Doing this can also be a sign of high stress, especially if it’s the only issue you’re experiencing. Try doing some stress-relieving activities to lower your stress levels , then see how you feel.
- If, however, the thought of not being with your spouse in the future makes you anxious or gives you second thoughts, it could be a sign that you can work on your marriage.
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A lack of fighting indicates that one or both of you has given up. While not fighting might sound like a good thing, it actually indicates that you two don’t want to have tough conversations or work through issues anymore. If you both avoid tough topics and find yourself skating by each other so you don’t make waves, that’s a red flag.
- The same goes if there’s an inability to compromise or work through problems together.
- Having disagreements is normal for any relationship. When you two do have arguments, make sure you’re fighting fair and staying respectful of one another, even when you’re angry.
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Contempt or disgust is a hard feeling to move past in a relationship. When you think of your partner do you find yourself wrinkling your nose at their behavior or their character? There are many things that might cause you to have contempt for your partner, but once it happens, it’s a hard feeling to move past.
- Contempt often comes with a lot of sarcasm or belittling of your spouse. If you find yourself poking fun at your partner or mocking them often, it’s a sign that the relationship isn’t healthy.
- The same goes for the flip side: if you think your partner is disgusted or feels contempt for you, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1221 wikiHow readers who are in a long-term relationship with their partner, and 56% said that over time, the feelings of love and affection do change—but at the end of the day, both partners still care deeply for each other. [Take Poll] If this feeling has gone completely, that might be a sign that it’s time to end things.
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Marriage takes work, and giving up is a sure sign that things are over. If you and your spouse both feel exhausted at the thought of taking steps toward fixing your marriage, then that’s probably a sign it’s time to end things. The same goes if just one of you is ready to give up: since it takes 2 to make a marriage work, 1 person giving up really isn’t an option. [10] X Research source
- This is typical in marriages that have had a lot of problems already. If you’ve already tried fixing your problems and nothing is working, it’s natural to feel discouraged and ready to give up.
- However, if both of you are ready and willing to buckle down and do the work to fix the marriage, then the relationship still has hope.
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When your friends and family say it’s time to leave, listen to them. Friends and family members don’t always have your best interests at heart, so be sure you’re listening to people that you trust. If your close loved ones tell you that they want to see you happy and get out of this marriage, they might be seeing something that you’re not. [11] X Research source
- You can definitely take other people’s opinions into account, but remember that it’s you and your spouse who have the final say on whether you’re getting a divorce or not.
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Infidelity is a big cause of failed relationships. While it is totally possible to heal a relationship after cheating , it takes a lot of work to rebuild that trust. If one of you is having an affair and don’t plan to cut it off, then the marriage needs to end. [12] X Research source
- Remember, affairs can be both physical (like having sex and going out on dates) and emotional (like having deep talks or texting constantly).
- If you would like to save your marriage after infidelity, experts recommend seeing a couple’s counselor.
Esther Perel, PsychotherapistInfidelity reveals underlying issues. "The ‘symptom’ theory goes as follows: An affair simply alerts us to a preexisting condition, either a troubled relationship or a troubled person."
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Any type of abuse means that the relationship needs to end. If your spouse is hurting you physically, yelling at you or calling you names, manipulating you, or trying to control you, that’s an abusive relationship. Contact your loved ones and ask them to help you get out of the marriage as quickly as possible so you can stay safe.
- If you are being abused, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for help.
- Along similar lines, if there is untreated addiction or substance abuse within the marriage, that’s a sign that it may be time to end things.
Reinvigorate Your Sex Life with this Expert Series
All marriages go through an occasional dip. If you're feeling disconnected from your partner, use this expert series to assess the situation clearly and even rekindle your love life.
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Survive a Sexless Marriage
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What to Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Want You: 11 Ways to Work Out Marital Problems
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References
- ↑ https://www.today.com/health/9-warning-signs-you-may-be-headed-divorce-t103116
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-man-cave/201811/5-signs-your-marriage-might-be-over
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-man-cave/201811/5-signs-your-marriage-might-be-over
- ↑ https://www.today.com/health/9-warning-signs-you-may-be-headed-divorce-t103116
- ↑ https://www.today.com/health/9-warning-signs-you-may-be-headed-divorce-t103116
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-man-cave/201811/5-signs-your-marriage-might-be-over
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/predicting-signs-of-divorce#priorities
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/predicting-signs-of-divorce#intimacy
- ↑ https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2022/marriage-trouble.html
About This Article
This article was written by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden
. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. This article has been viewed 25,309 times.
14 votes - 93%
Co-authors: 5
Updated: June 7, 2024
Views: 25,309
Categories: Deciding to End a Marriage
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 25,309 times.
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Co-authors: 5
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