Download Article
Download Article
If you find yourself being mean to other people, and you want to change your behavior, good for you! While it might seem daunting, it’s actually really easy! You can change your thoughts, feelings, and actions to make yourself a nicer person.
Steps
-
Use positive body language. Communication is not all about words. Your words can be completely polite while your body language or actions are communicating negativity to others. Negative feelings towards others may be present in your body and send a signal to others that you are unpleasant.
- To have more neutral body language, you may want to try using progressive muscle relaxation—a process by which you tense and then release all of the muscles in your body. This can remove negativity or stress from your body as well as your mind.
-
Smile at people. Smiling at people can make you seem nicer. People will likely smile back at you, and you may find that you cultivate friendships more easily. Smiling can also help you feel happier. Acting happy with good posture and a big smile can actually boost your mood; your thoughts and feelings respond to the action of smiling. [1] X Research sourceAdvertisement
-
Use assertive expression of your feelings when necessary. Rather than expressing yourself passively (being angry without saying anything) or aggressively (exploding in a way that may seem disproportionate to the situation), try assertive communication. [2] X Research source To practice assertive expression, use the facts involved (not exaggerated by emotion) to communicate requests (rather than demands) of others in a respectful way. Communicate clearly and express your feelings effectively so that everyone’s needs are met.
- For example, if your tendency would be to yell at your spouse for not folding your laundry the way you like, you could try assertive expression instead. You might say, “I appreciate your helping me by doing laundry, but it frustrates me that you fold my pants in a way that causes them to wrinkle. I feel unprofessional while wearing wrinkled pants at work. I would really appreciate it if you would fold them more carefully, or if you would just let me wash and fold my own laundry.”
EXPERT TIPLicensed Clinical PsychologistChloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over 12 years of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self-esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York, and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”If you don't feel quite ready to express yourself without getting upset at the other person, try taking a hot or cold shower or doing a deep breathing exercise to ground yourself and get into a calmer, more rational headspace.
-
Realize that meanness comes from within. Most people act mean towards others when they themselves feel threatened, demeaned, or bullied. [3] X Research source Realizing that when you act mean, it’s really your issue and not someone else’s can help you determine whether your mean words or behavior are appropriate in the situation. [4] X Research source
-
Develop empathy. [5] X Research source Empathy can help you make being kind to others a priority. [6] X Research source Empathy can take the form of understanding another’s perspective, feeling distress at the plight of another person, and being able to relate to the emotions of another. [7] X Research source Whichever approach you take, be sure that you focus on understanding and relating to the people that you are speaking to.
-
Visualize a role model. Find someone whose words and actions inspire you and imagine how she would act or what she would say in a given situation. Then try to emulate that type of communication yourself. [8] X Research source
Advertisement
-
Think about why you act mean. Many people are mean to others in order to feel better about themselves. [9] X Research source However, this approach may not really be effective, especially if you want to be nicer to others. You might lash out at someone, feel better in the moment, but then feel bad about yourself later for lashing out. Other reasons that you are being mean may include: [10] X Research source
- You cannot handle your own negative emotions, so you lash out at others.
- Your ego feels threatened, so you are mean as a form of defense.
- You envy someone else’s life or accomplishments, so you want to hurt them. [11] X Research source
- You are projecting your own negative feelings about yourself on someone else.
- You are trying to make yourself feel unique and distinct from other people by distinguishing differences between you in a mean way.
-
Realize that your thoughts, feelings, and actions are connected. It can be difficult to determine what is a thought and what is a feeling. In fact, the two interrelate: your thoughts affect your feelings. Your feelings, in turn, affect your actions. Thus, if you want to change your actions (or words), you can start by first changing your thoughts.
- For example, if you think, “This guy is an idiot!” you may feel frustrated talking to him, and that will come across in your words and actions. If, however, you think, “This person needs to learn more about the topic,” you might be more inclined to teach him, and your increased patience will come through your words.
- Remember that even when you feel that you cannot control your thoughts or feelings, you can always choose how to act. Each time you speak or act, you are making a choice about what words and actions you use.
-
Gain control of your emotions before you speak. If you are speaking to someone and feel as though you are about to be mean to them, give yourself time to think before you respond. You’re more likely to give the person a productive response (and less likely to be mean) if you allow yourself to use reason first. [12] X Research source
- If you are feeling particularly angry, resentful, hurt, or sad, you may want to wait to talk to others. These emotions can stand in the way of positive communication and cause you to lash out at someone else.
-
Keep a “be nice” journal. Write entries about how you interacted with people throughout the day. If you had incidents in which you were mean, try to recall details about who you were mean to, why you think you were mean, what you said, and what events led up to the incident. If you were able to be nice to others, particularly in situations in which your tendency would normally be to be mean, then reward yourself for “good behavior.” [13] X Research source
- Building a cache of journal entries about your meanness can help you identify whether there are people, events, or environments that seem to “trigger” your tendency to act mean. [14] X Research source Identifying your triggers gives you the opportunity to work towards improving in those situations in the future.
-
Cultivate a sense of humor. Being able to laugh easily (with people, not at people), can help humor override your tendencies to be mean. If you are beginning to feel impatient and think you might be mean to someone, try to find a reason to laugh. Finding humor in a situation or getting yourself laughing about something else can diffuse the situation by actually changing your body’s chemical reaction from anger or negativity to humor. [15] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
-
Sleep well at night. You need to get plenty of sleep (at least 7-8 hours) every night to thrive. [16] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source Being sleep deprived can contribute to a wide range of health problems, including the inability to manage emotions properly. [17] X Research source Getting adequate sleep can help you have the patience and understanding to be nice to others regardless of your emotional state.
- If you have chronic sleep problems, consult your physician or a pharmacist about safe sleep aids. Alternately, making dietary changes, such as reducing caffeine and sugar consumption, or lifestyle changes, such as reducing nighttime screen time, may enable you to sleep better at night.
-
Meditate before potentially stressful events or conversations. Meditation can help you regulate your emotions, which can help you be nicer. [18] X Research source If you are feeling as though you might be unkind to someone due to feeling angry or impatient, give yourself a little mental refresher through meditation. Find a private, quiet place, then follow the following sequence: [19] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Breathe deeply and slowly. Deep breaths can slow your heart rate and make you feel calmer. Your breaths should be deep enough that your belly extends outwards on the “in” breath.
- Picture a golden-white light filling your body as you breathe in. Picture that light filling and relaxing your mind. When you breathe out, visualize dark, muddy colors leaving your body.
- Once you are calm from your meditation, you should feel more ready to speak to others in a kind way.
Advertisement
-
Do something you enjoy. Taking care of yourself by indulging in activities that make you happy can help you be nicer to others as well. [20] X Research source Doing something you enjoy can improve your mood by distracting you from a bad mood. If you can control your mood, you’re more likely to make reasoned decisions (not emotional decisions) about how to communicate with others.
-
Give yourself time alone. Particularly if you are an introvert, [21] X Research source you may need to make time alone with yourself from time to time. This can help you be nicer to others because you will feel more refreshed. This can be of particular benefit if your loved ones are the recipients of your mean behavior; taking a break from them may help you be nicer to them. [22] X Research source
- Sometimes, you might find yourself being mean because you're emotionally overwhelmed. If that happens, you might need to take a break from the people you're around for a little while. [23]
X
Expert Source
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 11 March 2021.
- Sometimes, you might find yourself being mean because you're emotionally overwhelmed. If that happens, you might need to take a break from the people you're around for a little while. [23]
X
Expert Source
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
-
Read a book or watch a favorite television show. Studies have shown that having vicarious experiences through others (which happens with both reading and watching well-known characters on a favorite TV show) can make you feel happier. [24] X Trustworthy Source Science Direct Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics Go to source People also experience catharsis, or a second-hand release of emotions, by experiencing events through fictional characters. Releasing emotions in a controlled environment in that way can help you control your emotions in real life.
-
Exercise. There is a strong connection between moderate exercise and improved mood. Regular exercise can also help you regulate your emotions in general. [25] X Research source All of this can help lead to you feeling happier, which can help you be nicer to others.
- Consider practicing yoga. It combines physicality and mindfulness, so it has the benefits of both exercise and meditation. If you can’t get to a yoga studio, try streaming an internet yoga video or downloading a yoga application to your mobile device. [26] X Research source
- If you are feeling whimsical, you might try dancing to feel better. Dancing both gives you a bit of an exercise boost and activates the pleasure centers of your brain. [27] X Research source
- You may find that getting daily exercise gives you more overall energy, which can help you be productive and patient without getting irritated with other people.
-
Eat a healthy meal or snack. Being hungry can make you feel irritable, which can lead you to lash out at others. Eating a nutritious diet full of whole foods can make you feel healthier and happier.
- Include whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and protein in your diet. [28] X Research source Getting healthy fats can also make you feel full longer.
- Avoid fat-free and overly processed foods. These often lack adequate nutrition and may leave you feeling dissatisfied.
- Anti-inflammatory foods and those containing Omega-3 fatty acids may particularly contribute to your feeling happier. Some specific foods that fall into this category include leafy greens, avocado, asparagus, walnuts, dark chocolate, and green tea.
-
Socialize with a friend. You may be venting your frustrations on others because you feel isolated. [29] X Research source Spending time with friends in person can be a great way to improve your mood if you are feeling disconnected from others. [30] X Research source Go to an early or late lunch, happy hour at your favorite bar, or dinner. If eating out isn’t in your budget, go for a walk with them or visit your local park and sit on the swings and talk.
- If you’re unable to get together in person, talking on the phone and having a 2-way conversation (particularly with a funny friend!) can improve your mood quickly.
Advertisement
Expert Q&A
Search
-
QuestionWhy do I keep snapping at everyone?Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.If you're being mean and you don't want to be mean, it's probably because you're emotionally overwhelmed and you're losing control. If that happens, you need to take a break to regain control and let your nervous system calm down.
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement
Reader Videos
Submit a Video Tip!
Share a quick video tip and help bring articles to life with your friendly advice. Your insights could make a real difference and help millions of people!
Submit a Video
Coming Soon!
Tips
- Be a good listener. Listen when other people are talking to you.Thanks
- Be the bigger person; you do not have to be mean because someone else is being mean to you.Thanks
- Tell yourself constantly that you're a nice person so that your mind begins to accept that you are. Change your behavior accordingly to fit these new standards. Thinking you're one of the "good people" instead of a "bad person" can really make a difference to how you act. Your mind will react positively.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Try wearing a piece of jewelry that acts as a reminder to cool down and be nicer. For example, you might wear a special ring that someone gave you to remind you that other people are kind, and you can be kind, too.
- Look for little ways to help other people. They may not seem like much in the moment, but they add up and make you a better person overall.
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
Advertisement
References
- ↑ http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/smile-it-could-make-you-happier/
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/assertive-communication-and-anger-management/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-big-questions/201306/why-are-people-mean-part-1
- ↑ http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Martha-Beck-Why-People-Are-Mean
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/empathy
- ↑ http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/18/are-you-raising-nice-kids-a-harvard-psychologist-gives-5-ways-to-raise-them-to-be-kind/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201108/are-you-empathic-3-types-empathy-and-what-they-mean
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mind-tapas/201006/stop-being-such-jerk
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-big-questions/201306/why-are-people-mean-part-1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-big-questions/201306/why-are-people-mean-part-1
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarakay-smullens/when-beasts-are-out-of-th_b_4656456.html
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/putting-it-together-use-of-anger-management-techniques/
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/anger-diary-and-triggers/
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/anger-diary-and-triggers/
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/how-many-hours-of-sleep-are-enough/faq-20057898
- ↑ http://www.integrativepsychiatry.net/neurotransmitter.html
- ↑ http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/11/meditations-positive-residual-effects/
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mind-tapas/201006/stop-being-such-jerk
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201008/revenge-the-introvert
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201407/why-were-nicer-strangers-the-people-we-love-most
- ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 11 March 2021.
- ↑ http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1057740814000631
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/men/news/20100608/exercise-may-ward-off-anger
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201312/7-drug-free-ways-boost-your-mood-help-depression
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200703/dance-therapy-spin-control
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201312/7-drug-free-ways-boost-your-mood-help-depression
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201409/10-quick-ways-get-out-bad-mood
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201409/10-quick-ways-get-out-bad-mood
About This Article
Article Summary
X
Before making a mean comment, stop to think of what your role model might say instead. If you don’t have a role model, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes before being mean to them. When someone tries to be helpful but accidentally makes things worse, thank them for what they tried to do, and explain why it wasn’t helpful. Try to use facts and “I” statements instead of assigning blame, and take a break from the conversation if you’re feeling overwhelmed. To learn more from our Counselor co-author about developing a nice sense of humor or controlling your emotions, keep reading below!
Did this summary help you?
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 861,416 times.
Reader Success Stories
- "I've become such a mean person after being the biggest humanitarian for so many years, giving my income, time, and skills to serve the world. I was burned by another volunteer who stole from kids I was helping at an orphanage. He took money and trust in others." ..." more
Advertisement
"I've become such a mean person after being the biggest humanitarian for so many years, giving my income, time, and skills to serve the world. I was burned by another volunteer who stole from kids I was helping at an orphanage. He took money and trust in others."
..."
more
"My boyfriend, Zachary, is very mean to me all of the time. He always has to be right, and is a very compulsive person. I read this article to him and found some things that he could work on. Even though he ignored me, I thought this article helped me. "
..."
more
"You may not understand why, but you are reading this article because you are truly a nice person. If you can't see that inside of yourself, you need to look at all of the talents and strengths you have. You have the power to change. It is within you."
..."
more
"Realizing that everything that was said about the mean person is me. It gave me pointers on being a better person and to change my life for the better. Thank you."
..."
more
"The article made me realize how much judging others and not thinking before speaking could cause problems in my life, and how I should deal with my "mean" issue."
..."
more
