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Whether you’re in denial about a bad habit or trying to boost your confidence by exaggerating your own abilities, there’s a good chance you’ve practiced a little self-deception at some point. When you lie to yourself too much though, it can damage your relationships or even hold you back from meeting your goals. Fortunately, there are things you can do to overcome your self-deception habit and be more honest with yourself and others.
Steps
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Remind yourself why being honest is important to you. It’s easier to set an intention and follow through if you identify why that intention is important to you. [1] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Write down some reasons you want to be more honest with yourself, and read the list whenever you need a reminder.
- For instance, you might say, “My relationships will be a lot better if I’m honest with myself,” or “It’ll be easier to get healthy if I stop lying to myself about my eating and exercise habits.”
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Keep a journal to explore your thoughts and feelings. Journaling is a great way to get to know yourself better and define your core beliefs and values. [2] X Research source The more you understand about how your own mind works, the harder it will be to lie to yourself! Try to spend a few minutes jotting down your thoughts and feelings each day. You can also use the journal to track your actions and hold yourself accountable.
- If you’re not sure what to write, use prompts that get you thinking about yourself. For example, “What was a time when I felt good about myself?” “What do I really value in life?” or “What would I like to change about myself?” [3] X Research source You can get a journal with prompts built in or look for self-reflection prompts online.
- Keeping a record of your actions, thoughts, feelings, and circumstances can help you notice patterns that you’d otherwise miss. For example, maybe you find yourself writing a lot of entries about conflict with your significant other. This might help you be more honest with yourself about problems in your relationship.
- Reader Poll: We asked 214 wikiHow readers how to avoid making the same mistake, and 9% said they would ask loved ones to hold them accountable. [Take Poll] While this may not be the best strategy according to our readers, take time to think about the reasons for your mistake to understand what’s causing it.
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Work on forgiving yourself for things you feel guilty about. People often lie to themselves to feel better about things. If you’re struggling with guilt because of something you’re doing—or not doing—remind yourself that messing up doesn’t make you a bad person. Instead of trying to deny what happened, accept it and take ownership of it. Set a goal of learning from your mistake and moving on with life. [4] X Research source
- For example, you might say to yourself, “Maybe I haven’t always been a great friend, but I can’t change what happened in the past. The important thing is that I apologize to my friend sincerely and do my best to be there for her from now on.”
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Take ownership of your actions, thoughts, and feelings. Deflection and projection are some of the most common forms of self-deception. Instead of trying to blame your actions on your circumstances or other people in your life, accept responsibility for the things you do and think. Ultimately, you’ll feel more confident and in control of your life once you own up and take charge! [5] X Research source
- For instance, maybe you keep telling yourself, “I don’t get my homework done because my friends keep distracting me.” Instead, try something like, “I keep getting distracted by other things when I should be working, but I can do something about that. I’m going to set my phone on ‘do not disturb’ and ask my friends not to bother me until I’m done.”
- Deflection, or blame-shifting, is when you try to blame someone or something else for your own actions or mistakes. [6] X Research source For example, if you snap at your significant other, you might blame them for being annoying instead of thinking, “Maybe I should work on reacting better.”
- Projection is when you see your own unwanted feelings, attitudes, or behaviors in others. For instance, if you have a tendency to be dishonest, you might become more suspicious and distrustful of the people around you. [7] X Research source
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Criticize yourself constructively. Looking at yourself honestly can be really tough. But you don’t have to beat yourself up or blame yourself for things that aren’t actually your fault. Instead, focus on identifying specific behaviors or thought patterns you’d like to change in a compassionate, non-judgmental way. [8] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- For instance, don’t say things like, “I always let everyone down.” That’s not helpful, and probably not very truthful, either! Instead, try something like, “I realize now that I often drop the ball when I commit to something. I need to be careful about taking on more responsibilities when I have so much on my plate already.”
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Practice mindful meditation to improve your self-awareness. Mindfulness puts you in better touch with your thoughts and feelings. [9] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source In turn, this kind of self-awareness can make it easier to be honest with yourself and others. Sign up for a mindful meditation class or look for guided mindful meditation exercises online to get started.
- You can start to see the benefits for mindful meditation with just a few minutes of practice each day.
- To perform a simple mindful meditation, sit or lie down in a quiet, comfortable spot. Start by simply focusing on the sensations of your breath for a few minutes. Then, turn your attention to your thoughts. Simply notice each thought as it comes into your mind and give it a label—such as “positive,” “negative,” “self-focused,” or “focused on others.” [10] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- Once you’re more aware of your thoughts, it will be easier to catch dishonest or misleading thoughts and challenge them.
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See a therapist if you’re still struggling to be honest with yourself. Self-deception can be a really hard habit to break—especially if it’s related to extremely difficult or stressful circumstances in your life. If you feel like you just can’t stop lying to yourself, reach out to a doctor or counselor. They can help you work through your issues and develop healthier coping strategies. [11] X Research source
- You might benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a form of therapy that focuses on identifying and changing unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors.
- If you’re not sure how to find a good counselor, ask your doctor to recommend one.
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Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: What Kind of Reality Check Do I Need?
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Trust your gut if you think you’re self-deceiving. When you lie to yourself, you don’t do it consciously. This can make identifying self-deception very difficult! [12] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Still, you might get a nagging feeling that something isn’t adding up. Pay close attention to your emotions next time a difficult topic comes up, and ask yourself if you’re being totally honest about your feelings. [13] X Research source
- For instance, if someone gently criticizes something you’ve been doing, your first impulse might be to deny it. Instead, stop and think about your reaction. Do you feel angry? Guilty? Anxious? Those feelings might suggest a conflict between reality and whatever you’ve been telling yourself.
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Make a chart comparing your words or beliefs with your actions. If you suspect you’re being dishonest with yourself about something, this is a simple way to hold yourself accountable. Write down what you’ve been telling yourself, then keep a log of your actions. After a few days or weeks, take a look at the chart and see how your thoughts and behaviors compare. [14] X Research source
- For example, maybe you’ve been telling yourself, “I always take good care of my teeth,” but your dentist doesn’t agree. Keep a diary of your dental hygiene practices for a couple weeks and track how often you actually brush and floss. You might be surprised!
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Ask yourself how realistic your thoughts are. We lie to ourselves in all sorts of ways, both positive and negative. If you suspect a thought doesn’t quite line up with reality, take a moment to challenge it. Does the thought make sense? Can you support it with actual evidence from your life, or point to things that contradict it? [15] X Trustworthy Source Penn State Extension Educational organization dedicated to delivering science-based information to people, businesses, and communities Go to source
- For example, maybe you’re telling yourself, “I can never pass this test. I’m terrible at math.” You might remind yourself of a time when you aced a math quiz or figured out a tough problem in class. [16]
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Expert Source
Christina Stathopoulos, PCC, ACCC
Certified Leadership & Life Coach Expert Interview. 15 October 2021. - Sometimes you also lie to yourself to make things seem better than they are. For instance, maybe you’ve been saying things like, “I can quit smoking any time I want. I don’t need any help stopping.” Stop and ask yourself, “Is that really true? How did I feel last time I went without cigarettes for a while?”
- For example, maybe you’re telling yourself, “I can never pass this test. I’m terrible at math.” You might remind yourself of a time when you aced a math quiz or figured out a tough problem in class. [16]
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Expert Source
Christina Stathopoulos, PCC, ACCC
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Watch out for psychological defense mechanisms. Facing painful truths about yourself can be really tough. So tough, in fact, that your brain sometimes finds ways to protect you from them. Keep a close eye on your own thoughts and behaviors to see if you can spot these patterns in yourself. A few common defense mechanisms include: [17] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Avoidance. This is when you find ways to avoid dealing with uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, or situations. For example, if you owe a friend a favor but you can’t do it, you might ignore their texts instead of telling them.
- Denial. Like the name suggests, this involves denying that there’s a problem. For instance, you might refuse to admit to yourself that you have a drinking problem, even if your drinking habits are causing problems with your health or relationships.
- Projection. This involves seeing your own unwanted behaviors or traits in others. For instance, if you have a temper problem, you might accuse people around you of getting angry too easily.
- Displacement. This is when you take out your frustrations or other emotions on an alternative target instead of addressing the real cause—for example, if you have a tough day at work and then lash out at your partner instead of trying to work it out with your boss.
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Keep an eye out for times when you exaggerate your own abilities. It’s totally normal to toot your own horn a bit sometimes—stretching a point or two about your accomplishments and abilities can boost your confidence and help you “fake it ‘til you make it.” [18] X Research source But when it goes too far, it can become a problem. If you find that your actual accomplishments keep falling short of your expectations, ask yourself if you’re being realistic. [19] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- For instance, maybe you like to think of yourself as a history whiz, but you keep failing your exams in world civ class because you aren’t studying enough. Or, you exaggerated your skills too much in a job interview and ended up with responsibilities you don’t know how to handle.
- If think you might be lying to yourself about your own abilities, getting honest feedback from another person can help. For instance, you might ask a teacher, an experienced coworker, or an expert in a subject you’re interested in for an honest assessment of your skills and what you can do to improve.
- You can also diminish your own abilities in some cases. Your life probably reflects whether you're lying to yourself or not. For example, if you lie to yourself saying that you're not good enough, you may end up with a job that doesn't push you and makes you feel bored all the time. [20]
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Expert Source
Christina Stathopoulos, PCC, ACCC
Certified Leadership & Life Coach Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.
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Look for reasons you might be lying to yourself. People lie to themselves for many reasons. Once you pinpoint why you might be doing it, it’ll be easier to catch yourself in a lie. Ask yourself things like, “Is my behavior consistent with my thoughts or beliefs about this issue? If not, why?” [21] X Research source
- For example, maybe you tell yourself that you’re always there for your friends, but in reality, you keep finding excuses not to lend a hand. Chances are that you feel guilty and are trying to make yourself feel better about the fact that you don’t really enjoy helping out.
- Studies show that people often lie to themselves in order to deceive others more easily. [22] X Research source Are you lying to yourself because you’re trying to give people around you a certain impression?
- People sometimes use negative self-deception to lower their expectations and avoid disappointment [23]
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Expert Source
Christina Stathopoulos, PCC, ACCC
Certified Leadership & Life Coach Expert Interview. 15 October 2021. . For instance, you might tell yourself that there’s no point in pursuing a relationship because you’re sure your partner will cheat on you.
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Try to view yourself from someone else’s point of view. Stepping inside someone else’s shoes is a great way to gain perspective and see yourself more realistically. If you think you’re lying to yourself—especially in the context of a relationship with someone else—ask yourself how your behavior looks to them. [24] X Research source
- For instance, if your significant other says you have a temper problem, don’t immediately dismiss what they’re saying. Ask yourself, “How often do I snap at them? I feel like my annoyance is totally reasonable, but is it really in proportion to what they did?”
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Get feedback from a trusted friend or mentor. If you’re having trouble telling if you’re being honest with yourself, an outside perspective can be really helpful. Ask someone whose opinion you can trust, whether it’s a good friend, a family member, a coworker or boss, or even a therapist. [25] X Research source
- For example, you might say something like, “Hey, I keep telling myself that I’m doing just fine handling all this work stress, but I’m not so sure. What do you think? Do I seem like I’m not myself lately?”
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat are some examples of lying to yourself?Christina Stathopoulos is a Certified Leadership and Life Coach and the Founder of Hear Her Roar, a coaching service for women leaders. With more than five years of experience, she specializes in leadership development, relationships, empowerment, public speaking, and work-life balance. Christina holds a BA in Chemistry and English from Mount Holyoke College. She has also received her Professional Certified Coach Credential from The International Coaching Federation and Accomplishment Coaching Certification from Accomplishment Coaching.An example of lying to yourself could be feeling empty or unfulfilled, even if you have a stable job. You could also be stuck in a relationship that doesn't feel meaningful to you.
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QuestionHow do you get your spouse to get out of the past and live in the present? How do I get him to stop dwelling on my past mistakes and lies?This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.wikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerUnfortunately, you can't really change someone else's thoughts and feelings. The best thing you can do is apologize sincerely for your past behaviors and make a genuine effort to change. If you and your spouse are still struggling to move forward, you might benefit from couples counseling to help you work through these issues as a team.
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QuestionI feel fake and lie all the time. What do I do?This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.wikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerRecognizing that you have trouble being honest is an important first step! It might help to think about why you lie. For example, if you lie to make yourself look better to others, think about other ways that you might boost your confidence and learn to value yourself more. If you're really struggling with your self-image, talking to a therapist might help.
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Tips
- This may seem a little simplistic, but just reminding yourself to be honest can make a big difference all by itself. Write a little reminder on a sticky note saying something like, “Be true to yourself!” or “Always be honest.” Put it someplace where you’ll see it, like your bathroom mirror. [26] X Research sourceThanks
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References
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_get_better_at_achieving_your_goals
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/30-journaling-prompts-for-self-reflection-and-self-discovery
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/ready-set-journal-64-journaling-prompts-for-self-discovery#the-journal-prompts
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-be-honest-with-yourself#3
- ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20160706-how-to-stop-lying-to-yourself
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/staying-sane-inside-insanity/202104/is-your-partner-blame-shifter
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/projection
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/four_ways_to_constructively_criticize_yourself
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_self_awareness_help_you_be_more_empathic
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_choose_a_type_of_mindfulness_meditation
- ↑ https://psyarxiv.com/72h65/
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/nine_things_you_dont_know_about_yourself
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/naked-truth/201405/how-do-i-know-when-i-am-lying-myself
- ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20160706-how-to-stop-lying-to-yourself
- ↑ https://extension.psu.edu/realistic-and-optimistic-managing-mindset-in-challenging-times
- ↑ Christina Stathopoulos, PCC, ACCC. Certified Leadership & Life Coach. Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559106/
- ↑ https://www.hbs.edu/ris/Publication%20Files/chance%20norton%202015_704c1907-c85f-4384-a28d-2f791eb43ea7.pdf
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/feb03/overestimate
- ↑ Christina Stathopoulos, PCC, ACCC. Certified Leadership & Life Coach. Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/naked-truth/201405/how-do-i-know-when-i-am-lying-myself
- ↑ https://www.hbs.edu/ris/Publication%20Files/chance%20norton%202015_704c1907-c85f-4384-a28d-2f791eb43ea7.pdf
- ↑ Christina Stathopoulos, PCC, ACCC. Certified Leadership & Life Coach. Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-be-honest-with-yourself#1
- ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/what-self-awareness-how-can-you-cultivate-it-ncna1067721
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-be-honest-with-yourself
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