How to Tell if Someone Is Your Friend

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Friends make life more rich and satisfying, that’s for sure. But sometimes it can be hard to tell when you've crossed the line from "acquaintance" to "friend" with another person. Learn to recognize who's a friend in your life by searching for some key elements. Look for qualities such as being loyal and dependable, spending time with you, always wanting to hang out with you and showing that they care about you. Sometimes, people act as if they are your friend, but don't always act like it. It can make you feel left out and not wanted.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Evaluating Their Loyalty and Dependability

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  1. Friends are typically loyal to one another, meaning that you shouldn’t reflect back to countless occasions when they have betrayed you, and vice versa. It’s hard for two people to be friends and not ever let one another down. But, betrayals shouldn’t be standard in the relationship. [1]
    • If this person never talks about you behind your back, spreads rumors about you, or disappoints you repeatedly in other ways, they probably are your friend. [2]
    • A good friend should value you as a person, not view your friendship as a series of transactions. [3]
  2. Friends are infamous for taking secrets to the grave. If you shared information that you did not want known by the general public, your friend keeps their lips sealed. [4]
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  3. One of the positives about going through a breakup, losing a loved one, or having a setback in life is that you can count on your friends to be there. This person shouldn’t only be around during the good times, if they are truly your friend. [5]
    • Think about a time when you were having a really hard time in your life. Was this person there for you?
    • A true friend should be with you through the good, bad, and ugly. They should offer to help you however they can, and bring you back from the darkness into the light again. A true friend would never think of leaving you during a difficult time in your life.
    • A fake friend, or someone who you are not close to, will probably only stick around when things are going well. They might even think or say that your problems are a burden to them. That's the mark of a fake friend.
  4. A true friend will not be jealous when you share any achievement or success in your life. They will celebrate your accomplishments instead trying to tear you down. To decide if this is an authentic friendship or not, pay attention to see if your friend sticks around while you reach new goals and high points in your life.
  5. If you know that you can count on this person at the drop of a dime, they probably are your friend. Good friends prioritize their pals over other relationships and situations, especially when they know you need them. [6]
    • For example, even if your friend is away on vacation, they’ll still make time to call back and check in on you when you’re sick.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Reflecting on Your Time Together

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  1. While people can remain friends without seeing one another for a long time, friendships are sustained with quality time together. Even if your friend is busy with school, work, or other responsibilities, they should still make time to call, text, or hang out. [7]
    • This goes both ways. If you call someone your “friend” but never seem to have time for them, you may need to reassess how important they are to you.
  2. A true friend won't be jealous or possessive - they should feel confident enough in your friendship that they don't have to resort to any sort of manipulative control. They realize that you do not have to be in their company 24/7 in order to validate the friendship. If your friend is trying to prevent you from being friends with other people, they might not be a true friend.
  3. This probably goes without saying, but friends have fun together. No matter if you are bored at home watching TV or painting the town red, it’s all the more tolerable when you’re together. [8]
    • As a result of enjoying spending time together, you and your friend probably have a host of memories you’ve made together.
  4. Some people may pretend to be your friend, but they’d much rather see you fail or get into trouble. Incidents happen, of course. But, for the most part, this person should be a good influence on you. They motivate you to become a better person. [9]
    • For example, your friend might push you to finish school, suggest that you mend fences with your estranged relatives, and inspire you to give back to others.
  5. A true friend should make you feel happier and more alive when you're around them, instead of drained or stressed out. A day spent with your friend should leave you feeling rejuvenated, vibrant, and excited about life. They should be lifting you up, not tearing you down.
  6. If a friend asks “How’s it going?” you’re not pressured to respond with “fine.” Instead, you’ll likely go right into how your mom is stressing you out or how your girlfriend is acting differently. [11]
    • This element of communication between close contacts is often referred to as self-disclosure. You are more likely to disclose intimate details about yourself with a friend than you are with a total stranger or casual acquaintance.
  7. Friends allow you to be who you are with no restrictions. If someone is your friend, you have the luxury of showing them your true self—a self that many others may not fully know—but you can still count on this person to love and accept you anyway. [12]
    • Friends don’t have to pretend with one another like many people do in casual relationships.
    • A true friend shouldn't want to change who you are. They will accept and embrace everything about you, even your awkward and silly parts. This does not mean they have to agree with everything you do or say, but they should not bash you or try to change you.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Noticing How They Show Concern

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  1. Friends won’t make it all about them in communication. In addition to knowing when to share, they also know when and how to listen. Good listening skills in a friend are important because you need to feel heard and understood by the people you care about. [13]
    • Pay attention in your next conversation. Does your friend take the time to hear your message before responding?
    • Even if your friend isn't the best listener, it should be clear that they are trying to hear you out and not just talking about themselves.
  2. Healthy relationships of any kind require boundaries—friendships are no exception. A good friend should be willing to acknowledge and respect those boundaries. At the same time, they shouldn’t feel threatened by them.
    • For example, if you tell a friend that you don’t feel comfortable with them reading your diary or journal, they should respect your wish.
  3. A friend is someone who shows their affection for you in many ways, one of which is in their support for you and your ideas, interests, and goals. This person should be willing to clap for you when you are succeeding and help nurse your wounds when you are hurt. [14]
    Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

    Real friends celebrate each other. "Good friends aren’t afraid of your light. They never blow out your flame and you don’t blow out theirs—even when it’s really bright and it makes you worry about your own flame."

  4. Everyone makes mistakes, and your friend should be willing to accept that you’re no different. When you mess up and hurt their feelings, you might apologize and beg for their forgiveness. A good friend will gratefully accept your apology and offer you forgiveness. They won’t hold your misdeed over your head or use it to manipulate you. [15]
    • For example, if you forgot to call a friend back, they shouldn't avoid you for several days. They should recognize that it was a simple mistake and not give you a hard time about it.
  5. The thing that separates a friend from the general population is their investment in you as a person. They care about you, which means they are honest with you, even if what they have to say hurts. [16]
    • A friend should offer constructive feedback if you’re not doing what you need to be doing. For example, they may say, “You need to get up and study for your math test. Your grade is already low…Come on. I’ll help you.”
    • A true friend won't let you feel left out and always include you, and not replace you for someone else, e.g. running of with someone else and leaving you all alone.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1191 wikiHow readers, and 54% agreed that the best way to handle conflicts in your relationship is to work through conflicts until you find a resolution together . [Take Poll]
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  • Question
    A friend hurt me really bad! I tried to forgive them but they constantly treat me different in front of others! They won't call or talk to me unless I do it first and they say they busy
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    It sounds like that this may not be a true friend to you, and it may be in your best interest to find someone who will reciprocate to you the respect of friendship that you deserve.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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    Not Helpful 12 Helpful 125
  • Question
    My friend never comes to me when I'm sad or crying, but she says she likes me
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    A true friend will always be around for you during good times, bad times, and really dark times. If you see that this is not occurring in your relationship with your friend, perhaps its time to move on.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.liveabout.com/how-do-you-know-when-to-call-someone-a-friend-1385633
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
      3. ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
      4. ↑ http://www.seventeen.com/life/friends-family/a40140/signs-someone-isnt-really-your-friend/
      5. ↑ https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/16/when-friends-disappear-during-a-health-crisis/
      6. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/04/qualities-of-real-friends_n_5709821.html
      7. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/adrienne-partridge-/10-characteristics-of-friendships-that-keep_b_6337526.html
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
      9. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/04/qualities-of-real-friends_n_5709821.html
      1. ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/give-and-take/201407/do-you-know-who-your-real-friends-are
      3. ↑ http://www.seventeen.com/life/friends-family/a40140/signs-someone-isnt-really-your-friend/
      4. ↑ http://www.seventeen.com/life/friends-family/a40140/signs-someone-isnt-really-your-friend/
      5. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/adrienne-partridge-/10-characteristics-of-friendships-that-keep_b_6337526.html
      6. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/04/qualities-of-real-friends_n_5709821.html
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/give-and-take/201407/do-you-know-who-your-real-friends-are

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To tell if someone is your friend, think about how it feels when you spend time together. Do you enjoy each other’s company? Are you able to open up and be yourself around them? Do you often have deep conversations? If so, they are probably a friend. Friends are also respectful and supportive. Think about whether the other person celebrates your successes, is there for you when you’re having a hard time, and makes time for you even when they’re busy. On the other hand, someone who’s usually not there for you, says unkind things, or doesn’t respect your boundaries is not a good friend. For more tips from our Social Work co-author, like how to tell if your friend respects your boundaries, keep reading!

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