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Sexual orientation is a profoundly personal trait, and many people may wish to keep it hidden from those they know for a variety of reasons. This is a difficult decision to make and a difficult action to do. You can still be true to yourself and be secure from potentially homophobic loved ones by figuring out other's opinions and having people around to support you.
Steps
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Identify whether you are at risk. If you were to come out to your family, what would happen? Would they act cold or angry? Would they kick you out? Is this a matter of emotional security or personal safety?
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Figure out their opinion if it isn't clear already. Try mentioning an LGBT+ related topic, like The Trevor Project or a celebrity who came out.
- Some people are harsher on LGBT+ people because they don't think they personally know any. They may be more understanding if you come out, and they realize they are talking to a real, LGBT+ human being.
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Consider family members individually. Maybe your dad and sister are accepting of LGBT+ people, but your mom isn't. You may be able to tell the truth to part of your family.
- If you're telling only some people, be sure to consider their abilities as a secret-keeper. You may not want to tell someone about your identity if they have a habit of not keeping secrets.
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Look for someone whom you can confide in. Perhaps you have a friend, loved one, or another mentor whom you trust to respect you and keep your secret. Your emotional health is important, and hiding who you are hurts. It's important to have someone who has your back.
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Don't flaunt a disregard of gender stereotypes. Most people will assume anyone who is non-gender-conforming is also not straight because of persisting stereotypes like all gay men are feminine and lesbian women are butch.
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Appear differently. While it's optional, it may make it easier to convince your family if you conform to gender roles. If you are a woman, long hair, cute shoes and make-up and if you are a man, masculine clothing such as basketball shorts, sneakers, and bleak colors. However, most people will not assume someone is gay based solely on these things, especially family members who think they know you. They will likely just think that your interests are your interests, same as they are for every straight person in the world who doesn't conform to stereotypes.
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If you still want to show support for LGBT+ rights, don't precede every sentence with either "I'm straight, but..." or "I'm not gay, but..." Remember, it's completely possible to support the LGBT+ community without being LGBT+, and your family knows that. Continually making use of these statements makes you sound like you're trying to convince someone.
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Find places where you can drop your facade. For example, you might have a friend or sibling you can talk about your real crush with. Maybe you can ease up on the gender roles when you're at a trusted friend's house. Find places where you can safely be yourself.
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Don't try too hard to be someone you aren't. There's no need to spout homophobic slurs, or make fun of LGBT+ people just because you're pretending to be straight. Likewise, there's no need to pretend you like or don't like certain things just to conform to certain roles.
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Community Q&A
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QuestionWhat if my mom saw me kissing my boyfriend? (I'm gay.)NicoTop AnswererIf she isn't asking questions, don't bring up the topic (if you don't want to). But it's likely that she's going to ask questions. Once you've gotten over the awkwardness of her catching you kissing another guy, it's critical to acknowledge that it happened. Some parents will avoid the subject entirely, while others will forbid you from ever seeing them again. Whatever the case may be, have an open discussion and address the fact that it occurred.
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QuestionMy mom is really supportive of LGBTQ but my dad isn't (they're divorced). I really want to be out as bisexual at my mom's place but I'm scared that one of my family members will tell my dad. Advice?NicoTop AnswererTell your family to keep your identity private so that nobody tells your dad. Make it clear that you don't want your father to know that you are bisexual by saying something like, "I care about you guys and wanted to let you guys know I'm bisexual. I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell dad about my sexuality, since I'm not ready to tell him/I don't want him to know."
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QuestionMy whole religion and family doesn’t accept LGBTQ+. Who I’m I supposed to let lose to? My friends don’t accept it, either.NicoTop AnswererGo online and join some LGBTQ groups. There, you can meet people in similar situations such as yours and get support from others.
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Tips
- Find a safe space and be yourself there. It will help you get the stamina you need to come out.Thanks
- Don't be afraid to ask to go to a therapist if you need extra support.Thanks
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Warnings
- If you are abused (physically, emotionally, or sexually) or kicked out from your home, get help. The government or a human rights group can help protect and take care of you, or help you learn to take care of yourself.Thanks
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