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The psychology behind why you fall in love fast… and hard
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Do you feel romantic connections right away? Maybe you jump into new relationships quickly or cling onto someone in a short time frame. If so, you might be wondering if your behavior is normal. While it’s possible to feel an emotional connection to someone you’ve just met, it can be unhealthy if you commit to them too quickly. In this article, we’ll go over all the possible reasons why you get attached so easily and share helpful tips for how to stop doing it.
Things You Should Know
- If you get attached easily, you may have an anxious attachment style. People with anxious attachment cling to others because they’re afraid of being abandoned.
- You can get attached quickly if you have low self-esteem—you might jump into relationships because you crave validation from others.
- To stop getting attached easily, schedule alone time to maintain a happy life outside of your relationship. You can read, draw, learn a new skill, or rediscover your childhood interests.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Possible Reasons for Getting Attached Easily
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You have an anxious attachment style. If your parents weren’t emotionally available or your needs weren’t met as a child, you might get attached easily because you’re afraid of being abandoned. People with anxious attachment styles crave intimacy but worry that others don’t want to be with them. While their need for reassurance might seem clingy to some, it’s a soothing strategy to help them feel worthy and loved.
- To determine your attachment style, assess your personality and reflect on your childhood. If you constantly seek approval from others or struggle to fully trust your partner, you might have an anxious attachment style. [1] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
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You believe others are responsible for your happiness. Sometimes, single people look for a partner in order to feel good about themselves. In this sense, relationships can be a rewarding experience, explaining why you get attached so easily—your partner makes you feel seen and accepted so they become your primary source of happiness. [2] X Research source
- If you have this mindset, you might believe your self-worth comes from being in a relationship (which isn’t true). Work on building a positive attitude so you can bring more joy into your life, and remember to surround yourself with people who uplift you. [3] X Research source
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You don’t like being alone. Some people view dating as a social connection, so they cling to the first person who comes along and makes them feel desired. If you feel lonely when you’re single, it makes sense why you would jump into relationships quickly (and get attached too soon). You might prefer being around someone to avoid social loneliness. [4] X Research source
- While it’s natural to crave human connection, remember that everyone feels lonely sometimes (and there’s nothing wrong with being alone). Instead of viewing solitude as a negative state, think of it as an opportunity to make peace with yourself and strengthen your inner connection.
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You start fantasizing about the future too soon. If you’re dreaming about getting married to them, starting a family, and growing old together, slow down… you might be developing premature feelings about your partner. While it’s perfectly normal to crave a long-term relationship, you can miss potential red flags in your partner when you fantasize about the future. [5] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- If you’re in a relationship, be sure to consider your own motivations—are you in love with your partner, or are you in love with the idea of them?
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You have low self-esteem. If you cling to people who give you attention, you might get attached quickly because you’re seeking validation from them. A person with low self-esteem lacks self-confidence, and they often question their connection to others. While it’s normal to feel insecure sometimes, it can prevent you from fully embracing your partner and enjoying your relationship. [6] X Research source
- To overcome insecurity , make a conscious effort to remind yourself of your positive qualities, and remember that you’re worthy and deserving of love! [7] X Research source
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You view sex as a meaningful way to connect with them. If you feel a deeper connection to someone right after you have sex with them, it might be the reason why you’re getting attached to them so quickly. Sex can be an incredibly intimate and vulnerable experience, so it naturally increases the emotional bond between you and your partner. [8] X Research source
- When you have sex with someone, your body actually releases oxycontin—a chemical that’s associated with empathy, trust, and relationship-building. It’s a natural reaction that explains why so many people “catch feelings” after a one-night stand. [9] X Research source
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You’re being manipulated by them. If your partner gives you excessive attention at the beginning of your relationship, they might be manipulating you. Love bombing is a tactic that narcissists use to make their partner dependent on them, making it super difficult to leave an unhealthy relationship. Some common behaviors include giving lavish gifts, constant texting and calling, and professing strong feelings early on. [10] X Research source
- While it may seem like you’re getting attached easily, your reaction is completely understandable—your partner is subtly controlling you and creating an unbalanced dynamic in your relationship.
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You’re addicted to the idea of love. If you’re in love with being in love, you might possess a trait known as emophilia—the tendency to fall in love easily, quickly, and repetitively. Emophiliacs view relationships as sources of excitement and pleasure. They crave the high that comes with falling in love, so they’re able to commit to their partners instantly (and rush into new relationships). If you’re an emophiliac, you might: [11] X Research source
- Say, “I love you” on the first date.
- Spend every waking hour with a new partner.
- Miss obvious red flags in your partner.
- Move on from your ex in little to no time.
- Feel deeply in love with multiple people at the same time.
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Section 2 of 3:
How to Stop Getting Attached Too Soon
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Differentiate between love and attraction. While attraction makes you feel instant excitement, love takes longer to develop. Love makes you feel safe and secure, and it’s all about spending quality time with someone so you can fully trust them. Attraction, on the other hand, is short-lived—you might feel giddy or energized after meeting someone for the first time, but your feelings may change when you actually get to know them. [12] X Research source
- To get to know someone better , ask them about their interests and goals, and consider doing a fun activity together. You can plan a fun day trip, go to an art museum, or keep it classic with dinner and a movie.
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Devote time to yourself. If you’re hyper-focused on someone, you can get lost in them and lose sight of who you are. To combat this, schedule alone time to do some self-exploration and rediscover yourself . By maintaining interests outside of your relationship, you become less attached to your partner.
- Try something you’ve always wanted to do to bring joy into your life. Read, write, draw, exercise, or learn a new skill—the possibilities are endless!
- If you can’t think of anything, reflect on your childhood interests or passions. For example, if you loved making home videos with your friends, consider vlogging or editing videos in your camera roll.
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.It pays to invest in yourself before seeking a partner. Notice qualities you admire in others and practice honing them in your own life. Establish independence and a strong sense of who you are. Be your authentic self; this will help you attract like-minded partners who have the same shared values.
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Spend time with friends and family. To prevent yourself from getting attached quickly, be sure to maintain relationships outside of your partner. Send your loved one a text if you haven’t heard from them in a while, and hang out with them as much as possible. [13] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If your loved one lives in a different city (and you can’t meet up in person), schedule virtual dates to catch up on life and check in on them.
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Practice mindfulness. If you’re always thinking about your partner, focus on the present moment and acknowledge your emotions. Understand that it’s okay to care about someone else, but taking care of yourself is equally as important. Once you sit with your feelings, do a breathing exercise to tap into your inner self (and help you detach from your partner). [14] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- If you’re worried about someone, try meditating to relieve any stress or anxiety. Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and focus on every breath you take. You can also try visualizing yourself in a peaceful environment like a sandy beach or a quiet forest.
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Schedule your interactions with them. If you’re constantly waiting for someone to text you back, you might be putting too much time and energy into them. Instead of being available all the time, establish specific times that you can talk to them. For example, you might respond to their texts after work or only hang out with them on the weekends. [15] X Research source
- If you find it hard to stop staring at your phone, tell yourself to do something else. Ignore your phone for a few hours, and go for a long walk outside. Or, try cleaning your house to keep yourself preoccupied.
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Wait to have sex until you’re emotionally connected to them. If you’re someone who gets attached easily, take the time to get to know someone before having sex with them. Establish boundaries in your relationship early on, and don’t be afraid to take things slow—the right partner will respect your physical and emotional boundaries. [16] X Research source
- If you always catch feelings after having sex, embrace it! Remember that it’s perfectly normal to develop an emotional connection to someone after an intimate experience, and it’s healthy to know your limits sexually.
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Watch out for red flags in your relationship. If your partner showers you with attention and compliments (before they get to know you), interpret it as a red flag. They might be trying to gain your trust quickly so they can control you later on, and this can lead to a cycle of unhealthy or abusive behavior. [17] X Research source
- If you feel overwhelmed by your partner, work on setting healthy boundaries with them. If they’re adamant about hanging out every day, you might say, “I have a lot going on at work. I can only hang out once a week.”
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Communicate your needs to your partner. If you have an anxious attachment style, be honest with yourself and talk to your partner about your wants and needs . By letting them know what makes you feel validated and loved, you can develop a more secure attachment style.
- Remember that everyone has different attachment styles, and that’s okay. If you and your partner have drastically different ways to express love, work with a therapist to find a healthy balance of personal time and couple time.
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How Do I Fix My Anxious Attachment Style?
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I stop being attached quickly to someone?Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.When entering a new relationship, set solid boundary lines and do not allow yourself to leap over them. Be respectful of their time and your own time. Do not allow yourself to engage in intimate conversations early on and be wary of individuals who want to discuss marriage on the first few dates. Allow yourself time to really get to know the other person before having attachment and prospective life conversations.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about emotional attachment, check out our in-depth interview with Leslie Bosch, PhD .
References
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-toxic-or-tender/202208/4-theories-why-we-fall-in-love
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/positive-mindset/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-toxic-or-tender/202208/4-theories-why-we-fall-in-love
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_thinking_about_the_future_makes_life_more_meaningful
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202104/do-you-fall-in-love-too-quickly
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201907/stop-seeking-validation-others
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/201807/4-scientific-ways-good-sex-brings-you-closer-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/201807/4-scientific-ways-good-sex-brings-you-closer-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201911/the-love-bomb-phenomenon
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202104/do-you-fall-in-love-too-quickly
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-sex/202106/3-ways-to-keep-from-getting-attached-too-soon
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/improving-family-relationships-with-emotional-intelligence.htm
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5693974
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-healthy-relationships/202106/setting-boundaries-efficiently
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-sex/202106/3-ways-to-keep-from-getting-attached-too-soon
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/11/11-relationship-red-flags-and-why-we-ignore-them
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/emotional-intelligence-love-relationships.htm
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