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Why you’re still thinking about your ex and how to begin moving on
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This article was co-authored by Kate Dreyfus
and by wikiHow staff writer, Ali Garbacz, B.A.
. Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.
There are 13 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 19,202 times.
If you’ve just gotten out of a relationship with a toxic girlfriend, you probably know that you made the right decision, yet it might be that you can’t help but miss her from time to time. Even though she might have hurt you, there may still be a part of you that still thinks of her—and that’s okay. The important thing is that you find a healthy way to acknowledge these thoughts and eventually move past them. We’ll list out all the possible reasons you may still be thinking about your toxic ex and give you specific advice about what you can do to start moving on. Just know that things will be okay and that there’s nothing inherently wrong with missing your ex every now and then.
Things You Should Know
- You may still think about your toxic ex often and miss her if you still contact her regularly or see her all over your social media.
- You might miss her because you’re still holding onto hope that things can still work out, or you may feel guilty that you couldn’t make your relationship work in the end.
- Cutting off all contact with your ex and creating a new routine in your daily life that doesn’t involve her are some ways to help yourself move on.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
Reasons You Miss Your Toxic Ex-Girlfriend
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1You’re still in contact with her. It can be hard to stop thinking about your ex if you still text her or talk to her during the week. Even if you’re not in direct contact with her, seeing her posts on social media can also be a potential trigger that will cause you to think about her. It can definitely be hard to completely cut her out of your life, but it’s important to think about how her constant presence is potentially hurting you in your efforts to move on. [1] X Research source
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2You’re still holding onto hope that things will work out. Your relationship may have ended, but it’s completely possible that you’re still hoping that she might change so that you two can continue being together. Unfortunately, toxic people have a tendency to lie to others to get what they want. Even though she might have told you that she’s going to change, it’s possible that she was just saying that to keep you by her side. What you’re feeling now may simply just be some of that hope leftover from her promises. [2] X Research sourceAdvertisement
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3You’re afraid of being alone. Getting out of a relationship and suddenly losing the person you’ve been with for a while can be scary for anyone. Even if your ex had toxic personality traits, you likely still spent a lot of time together and were a significant part of each other’s lives. Thinking about her might be your subconscious way of dealing with these new feelings of loneliness and any fears you might have about being on your own. [3] X Research source
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4You only remember the good times you had together. It’s likely that your relationship had its fair share of good and not-so-good moments. After breaking up, you might find yourself blocking out those not-so-good times and concentrating more on the happy memories you had with your ex and her good qualities. Even if you know in your heart that she wasn’t the best partner for you, it’s understandable that a part of you would want to hold on to those good memories. [4] X Research source
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5You miss the routine you had with her. When you get into a relationship, you and your partner create a routine. You might have specific activities you do together, places you like to go together, and friends you both hang out with. After breaking up, that routine suddenly goes away, and you might feel at a loss about what to do. A reason you might be missing your ex is that you may be missing this routine while you adjust to a new normal. [5] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
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6She was the center of your world. Toxic people can be very selfish, so it’s possible that your ex didn’t shy away from making everything about her in your relationship. You might have found yourself going along with what she wanted most times and even becoming dependent on her when making certain decisions. Because she was such a big part of your life, it makes sense that you might miss her after splitting up. Even if you didn’t have the healthiest of relationships, it’s okay to admit that she was an important part of your life. [6] X Research source
- It’s also possible that you’re feeling unsure about how to define yourself without her. Her selfishness might’ve caused you to simply adapt to her way of living, and now you’re not quite sure what your personal interests are. You may miss that sense of purpose she gave you.
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7You feel like you don’t deserve anyone else. Unfortunately, a toxic person isn’t above saying belittling or humiliating things to others in order to assert dominance and make themselves feel good. During your relationship, it’s possible that your ex might have said things to make you feel like she was the only person who’d ever love you or want to be with you, and those doubts may be what’s causing you to miss her. [7] X Research source
- These feelings of self-doubt might also prevent you from going out and meeting new people. A good way to move on from your ex is to branch out and talk to new people, but the negativity she left behind might be stopping you at the moment.
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8You miss the unpredictability of your relationship. Toxic people have a tendency to bring drama with them wherever they go. They often like to start arguments over even the smallest of things, resulting in their relationships with others being rather rocky. Even though your relationship might have caused you stress at times, there might still be a part of you that misses the excitement and rush that came from the unpredictable ups and downs. [8] X Research source
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9You didn’t get any closure. You might especially miss your ex if your relationship ended abruptly and not on the terms you’d hoped they would. If your ex suddenly broke off your relationship without giving you an explanation, you may find yourself ruminating over what went wrong. With this lack of closure, it can be really hard to move on from thinking about her. [9] X Research source
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10You’re grieving the potential future you could’ve had together. It’s completely normal to picture a future together with your significant other, especially if you’ve been together for a while and feel like you have a really good connection. When you break up, you might feel sad at the prospect of losing this ideal future you had built up in your mind. It may also be that you’re missing this ideal version of your ex who would stay with you long into the future. [10] X Research source
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11You can’t help but feel like you could’ve done more. It’s human nature to want to care for someone and help them. You may have noticed your ex’s toxic behaviors and thought that you could change her. Unfortunately, that might’ve left you feeling guilty when things ended, and now you may not be able to stop yourself from thinking about what more you could’ve possibly done. [11] X Research source
- It’s also possible that she used manipulative tactics, such as gaslighting, to make you believe that it was your fault your relationship didn’t work out. Toxic people aren’t afraid to blame others and play the victim.
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Section 2 of 4:
How to Move On from Your Ex
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1Cut off contact and stop following her on social media. In order to distance yourself from your toxic ex, practice the no-contact rule and avoid texting her and talking to her. Unfollow her on social media and erase her number if you feel like you can. Breaking off contact will give you some much-needed space and allow you to focus on yourself and moving forward. [12] X Research source
- You don’t have to cut off contact forever but give yourself at least a month or two, especially if you’ve just gotten out of your relationship.
- If you want to completely prevent her from contacting you, consider changing your phone number and blocking her on social media so she can’t reach you.
- If you don’t want to necessarily block or delete her from your social media, simply avoid interacting with her. Don’t comment on or like her posts and avoid posting anything about her.
- If you have friends in common or belong to the same social circle, take some time off group activities that may include her.
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2Surround yourself with people who love and care about you. One way to deal with the loneliness you may be feeling after splitting up with your ex is to spend time with friends and family. While it may not be exactly the same as being with a significant other, your loved ones can be there to support you and cheer you up when you’re feeling down. [13] X Trustworthy Source Simply Psychology Popular site for evidence-based psychology information Go to source
- Take some time to go and do fun things with others Ask your friends to hang out on the weekends, go on a trip with your family, or just make an effort to talk to your loved ones every day to fight off any feelings of loneliness.
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3Remind yourself why things didn’t work out. It can be easy to start missing your ex if you focus only on the good times you had together. To help combat this and get over your ex , take some time to write down all of the negative things that happened while you were together. Identify her toxic behaviors and how she hurt you. It’s okay to acknowledge the good times you had together, but it’s also extremely important to remember why your relationship didn’t end up working. [14] X Trustworthy Source Simply Psychology Popular site for evidence-based psychology information Go to source
- Ask people who are close to you to help. If you feel okay talking about it, ask them for their honest opinions on your relationship with your ex. Did they notice anything toxic from the outside?
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4Create a new routine for yourself. If you find yourself missing your ex and the routine you once had together, make an effort to establish a new routine in your daily life. Create some change to your day-to-day routine, do new activities, and refocus on your hobbies and interests. Spend time with your friends on the weekend when you might’ve been with your ex, go to new places that don’t carry memories of her, or find a new hobby to occupy some time. A new routine might be the healthy distraction you need to stop thinking about your ex. [15] X Research source
- If there’s something you enjoyed doing with your ex that you don’t want to give up, find someone new to do it with you.
- For example, if you and your ex went bowling all the time, get your group of friends together for a bowling night and make new, fun memories with them.
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5Take time to rediscover your sense of self. Being with a toxic person can cause you to lose your sense of self due to their selfish tendencies and manipulative behaviors. In order to rediscover and establish your sense of self and self-worth, start being honest with yourself about what you’re thinking and feeling. Take some time to get to know yourself and ask yourself the following questions: [16] X Research source
- What are you interested in and passionate about?
- What are some of your favorite things to do?
- What kind of people do you like to be around?
- What are your personal values and beliefs?
- What are some of your goals for the future?
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6Take care of your physical and mental well-being. Getting out of any kind of relationship can be hard, so it’s important that you make sure to look after yourself and your body. Eat three meals a day, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly to stay active and fight off stress. Also use relaxation techniques , such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing exercises, to clear your mind and get rid of any worries you may still have. [17] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Avoid turning to harmful substances, such as drugs or alcohol, to cope with the situation.
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7Replace negative thoughts about yourself with positive ones. If your ex made any belittling comments while you were still together, it can understandably be hard to pick yourself back up and move on from that kind of negativity. However, being kind to yourself will help you to get rid of these negative thoughts. Remind yourself of all of your strengths and good traits and use positive affirmations to raise your self-esteem. For example, tell yourself things like: [18] X Research source
- I am a strong person.
- I deserve to be loved by others.
- I am worthy.
- I have so much potential to offer this world.
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8Write her a goodbye letter to get closure. If you have lots of ruminating thoughts about what went wrong in your relationship, sit down and pour your feelings into a letter to get a sense of closure . Write to your ex and tell her what you weren’t able to say in person. Tell her why you don’t think your relationship was working, what you wish she had done better, and any other personal thoughts you want to convey. Take this as an opportunity to say the goodbye you might not have gotten. [19] X Research source
- Feel free to burn or rip up the letter once you’ve written it to symbolize the official end of your relationship.
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9Allow yourself to grieve your loss. It’s not a bad thing to be sad about losing someone, even if they were toxic in some ways. You’re still losing a person who was a big part of your life. Take a bit of time to allow yourself to be sad and mourn the loss of your relationship. It is vital for your well-being to process what happened, express it in a healthy way, and not suppress it. Talk to friends and family about how you’re feeling, or just spend some time with yourself to process and acknowledge your emotions. [20] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- There’s no pressure to move on right away and find someone else. That might actually hurt you more, especially if you don’t feel ready for a relationship.
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10Remind yourself that it’s not your responsibility to change her. While it might feel like the right thing to do, some people are simply incapable of changing, even if their behaviors are hurting someone. It can end up being extremely frustrating trying to help your ex when she refuses your attempts. If that’s the case, it’s okay to walk away. Instead, prioritize your own needs and focus on moving forward in a way that’s healthy for you. [21] X Research source
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11Consider talking to a therapist about how you’re feeling. If you find yourself unable to move on and still thinking about your ex frequently, it might be beneficial to see a therapist who can help you work through your feelings. They can offer you an outside perspective and provide you with advice that can help with the process of letting go. [22] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If you’re interested in counseling, use a site like BetterHelp to find a licensed therapist near you.
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Section 3 of 4:
Is it normal to miss your toxic ex?
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It’s completely natural to miss someone you shared a relationship with. Even though your ex may have been toxic, that doesn’t mean you can’t miss the companionship and good memories you shared with her. Anyone who’s just gotten out of a relationship will need some time to heal from the entire ordeal, so don’t feel guilty if you find yourself thinking about your ex. [23] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- The most important thing is that you realized your ex’s behaviors were toxic and got yourself out of that relationship.
- However, if you find yourself wanting to get back together with your toxic ex, take a few moments to remember how her behavior hurt you.
- While missing your ex from time to time is something many people go through, actually planning on getting back together requires a bit more time and consideration on your part.
Section 4 of 4:
Does your ex actually miss you?
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Your ex likely misses your attention rather than your relationship. Unfortunately, toxic people can be very self-centered, manipulative, and controlling. Within your relationship, your ex probably thrived off of the attention you gave her and liked to be in control of the situation. If you notice her making attempts to reenter your life, it’s likely that she’s more interested in getting attention from you rather than giving your relationship another try. [24] X Research source
- The best thing you can do to stop her from coming back into your life is to cut off all means of contact with her. It may certainly be difficult, but it’ll be very helpful in making sure her toxic behaviors can’t hurt you anymore.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202112/10-reasons-its-so-hard-move-some-breakups
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202203/11-reasons-why-people-dont-let-go-of-unhealthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202112/10-reasons-its-so-hard-move-some-breakups
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://psych2go.net/how-to-spot-and-deal-with-toxic-people/
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202112/10-reasons-its-so-hard-move-some-breakups
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202112/10-reasons-its-so-hard-move-some-breakups
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202203/11-reasons-why-people-dont-let-go-of-unhealthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/no-contact-rule-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-0618136
- ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/toxic-relationships.html
- ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/toxic-relationships.html
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/2022/02/09/1079532260/how-to-get-over-someone-after-a-breakup
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/i-dont-know-who-i-am-establishing-your-sense-of-self-1205165
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/how-leave-narcissist-or-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202112/10-reasons-its-so-hard-move-some-breakups
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/tips-for-dealing-with-your-toxic-parents
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/202206/dont-get-hoovered-toxic-people
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Kate Dreyfus
and by wikiHow staff writer, Ali Garbacz, B.A.
. Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University. This article has been viewed 19,202 times.
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