Pushing People Away: Why It Happens & How to Stop

PDF download Download Article
Get to the root of your behavior and learn how to change it
PDF download Download Article

Perhaps you have trouble trusting others and prefer to be alone. Or maybe you feel anxious in social settings, choosing to stay at home in your comfort zone. No matter the situation, you might be asking yourself: Why do I push people away? People push others away for various reasons, including low self-esteem and fear of rejection. Keep reading to learn more about this defense mechanism, with expert insights from clinical therapist, Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP.

Why do some people push others away?

For many, pushing others away is a defense mechanism that stems from unhealed trauma and fear of intimacy, rejection, or abandonment. Pushing people away can be synonymous with having an avoidant attachment style. To stop pushing others away, communicate openly and be patient with yourself as you develop connections.

Section 1 of 3:

The Psychology Behind Pushing People Away

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    Fear of rejection This is one of the major reasons behind pushing others away. The person may have a history of feeling rejected and is trying to avoid another personal tragedy. They may have initially experienced rejection at the hands of neglectful parents and have carried that pain with them their entire lives—sometimes, without even realizing it. [1]
    • Fear of abandonment can be considered a version of fear of rejection.

    Meet the wikiHow Expert

    Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP is a clinical therapist with over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, specializing in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, and interpersonal relationships.

  2. 2
    Low self-esteem When a person has damaged self-esteem, they may believe that they’re undeserving of healthy, loving relationships. This causes them to shut someone out before the person inevitably hurts them. People with low self-esteem often expect rejection because they fail to find any worthy qualities in themselves and assume others won't find any, either. [2]
    Advertisement
  3. 3
    Trust issues Pushing people away is a learned behavior that often begins in childhood. When a child has an emotionally unavailable parent who constantly lets them down, they grow up learning not to trust others. They keep other people at arm’s length because they’re used to being disappointed. They naturally expect the same behaviors their parents displayed from everyone they meet, leading them to cut people off before they get too close in an effort to prevent getting hurt.
  4. 4
    Social anxiety A person with social anxiety may fear being judged or have a general aversion to uncomfortable social situations, resulting in self-isolation. They may push others away and choose solitude over the risk of embarrassing themselves or having to engage in otherwise unpleasant or uncomfortable interactions. [3]
  5. 5
    Unresolved trauma Pushing people away can be a coping mechanism for dealing with past trauma. The trauma may stem from an unstable childhood or from a previous relationship, in which they felt mistreated or betrayed. Unresolved trauma can bleed into personal relationships, causing conflict and continuing the vicious cycle of pushing others away. [4]
  6. 6
    Avoidant attachment Pushing people away is often linked to having an avoidant attachment style. An avoidant attachment style is characterized by a fear of commitment, emotional detachment, and the need for independence and freedom. Often, avoidant adults begin as neglected children who were not free to express themselves, leading to stunted emotional development that makes it harder for them to forge meaningful relationships. [5]
    • If an avoidant person does enter a committed relationship, they tend to pull away when things start getting too serious.
    • Avoidants may want to be in relationships or around other people, but have a tough time shaking off their avoidant nature, whether it be due to fear of rejection, low self-esteem, social anxiety, or all of the above.
  7. 7
    Communication issues If the person in question has an avoidant attachment style, communication issues are sure to surface. An avoidant is naturally predisposed to, well, avoiding others, as well as talking about their feelings. This reluctance to communicate openly and honestly out of fear of vulnerability can seriously impair relationships since trust usually only thrives as a result of being vulnerable with others. [6]
    • Communication issues can manifest as terse answers to questions, failing to ask follow-up questions, and not texting back for days, weeks, or months at a time.
    8. Advertisement
Section 2 of 3:

Signs You're Pushing People Away

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    You’re keeping your distance. Creating emotional and physical distance between you and loved ones is a red flag. If you’ve started bailing on plans with friends or your significant other for no real reason, you may be trying to protect yourself by isolating yourself. This is a classic avoidant move, as people with this attachment style prefer to be alone by choice rather than expose themselves to being rejected or abandoned. If you feel like pulling away is keeping you “safe” emotionally, you may struggle with being vulnerable. [7]
  2. 2
    You have little interest in other people. Pushing people away can look like short, disinterested answers and a general reluctance to engage with others. Tenzer says, “People who have been hurt in the past have mistrust for those around them. If you think about it, it makes sense. If you’ve been hurt over and over again by people in your life, why would you make yourself vulnerable for it to happen again?” [8]
  3. 3
    Your interactions are unpleasant. Since you have no real interest in hanging out with other people, the way you treat them will likely reflect that. This could mean being overly critical of others or communicating in a passive aggressive manner. For example, if a friend asks for your opinion on an outfit, you might tell her it’s ugly simply to get her out of your hair. Or maybe you find yourself chastising your partner when they make small mistakes. [9]
  4. 4
    You don’t share anything about yourself. Being private is all about protecting your peace, which is understandable, but you might be taking it too far. If a friend reaches out to check in on you and you fail to respond, you may have a deep-rooted discomfort surrounding vulnerability and a fear of rejection. Tenzer says, “Our brains remember traumatic events and oftentimes try to avoid them in the future.” If you’ve been vulnerable before and felt mistreated or taken advantage of, it’s possible that closing yourself off is your defense mechanism against pain. [10]
    • This might look like hiding your feelings on a certain subject when you're asked for your opinion, or bottling up your emotions when something is bothering you.
    5. Advertisement
Section 3 of 3:

How to Stop Pushing People Away

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    Start opening up gradually so you don't get overwhelmed. Tenzer advises that you “take baby steps” and “start with the interpersonal relationships around you that feel very safe.” [11] Take things slowly, opening up bit by bit at a pace that feels comfortable. For example, try sharing more anecdotes from your childhood in conversation, both small and formative, so others will understand you better.
    • Try leading a game of 20 questions with a friend or partner. It’s fun, engaging, and illuminating! You can practice learning about the other person as they learn about you.
    • Strive for interactions that enhance trust and make you feel safe, and your bond will flourish over time. Tenzer adds, “Our brains need positive interactions, which provide evidence that not everything and everyone can recreate that trauma or the feelings that follow.” [12]
  2. 2
    Communicate openly about your thoughts and feelings. If you have a history of avoiding intimacy and vulnerability, it’s time to break that cycle by being open and honest about what’s working for you and what isn’t. Remember, sharing your anxieties is a part of intimacy, and a particularly important one for people who tend to push others away. Tenzer notes, "You can start trusting again once you've been provided with evidence that you can have healthy relationships.” [13]
  3. 3
    Strive for relationships with healthy conflict. If you’ve pushed people away in the past and are now trying to develop a deep connection, finding a balance is key. If you tend to avoid conflict because you’re afraid it’ll lead to rejection or abandonment, get more comfortable navigating conflicts and embracing the fact that they’re a part of normal life. [14]
    • Take turns stating your points, compromise, and arrive at a solution that both parties can live with.
    • Best conflict resolution practices typically involve tackling the problem headfirst as a team, not placing blame on the other person and fighting them .
  4. 4
    Do the inner work to understand yourself better. Understanding why you push people away is instrumental in making a change for the better. Revisit childhood memories, identify the root of your issues, and reflect on what you can do to unlearn those behaviors moving forward. Journaling or speaking to a close friend can also help you figure out how to change your avoidant ways.
    • For example, maybe your absent mother deeply affected you, or a past boyfriend shattered your sense of trust and self. No matter what it is, try to get to the bottom of it.
  5. 5
    Nurture your emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to acknowledge and understand your emotions, as well as the emotions of people around you. Developing a deeper emotional intelligence helps you control stress and anxiety so you can engage with others in a more open and productive way. [15]
  6. 6
    Be patient with yourself. Tenzer advises that you don’t beat yourself up if you’re not seeing an enormous emotional shift right away. She says, “It doesn’t happen overnight, so be patient with yourself and try to look at the world from a more positive and different perspective, keeping your desired outcome in mind.” Putting an end to toxic behaviors and relearning healthy ones takes time, so give yourself some grace. [16]
  7. 7
    Consider speaking with a therapist. Tenzer is a therapist herself and encourages speaking to professionals for additional guidance. She says, “Discovery, with a therapist, can show us that pushing people away does not allow for us to reinforce or experience the positive interactions and alternative scenarios we need to be able to heal from the past.” [17]
    8. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      You Might Also Like

      190+ Love Confessions with Text-Ready Examples
      Why Am I Insecure? How to Boost Your Self-Esteem
      How to
      Support an Insecure Girl (10 Helpful Things to Say)
      16 Strategies for Handling Someone's Insecurity
      How to
      Stop Feeling Self Conscious
      How to
      Find out if You Are Too Clingy
      How to
      Get Rid of an Inferiority Complex
      How to
      Overcome Not Being Able to Look at Yourself in the Mirror
      How to
      Stop Being Insecure, and Just Love You
      How to
      Overcome Insecurity
      How to
      Stop Putting Yourself Down
      How to
      Help an Insecure Friend
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/202405/overcome-the-fear-of-rejection
      2. ↑ https://www.jbamft.com/blog/2019/9/15/why-do-we-keep-pushing-people-away
      3. ↑ https://www.bergencounselingcenter.com/15-signs-social-anxiety-is-disrupting-your-life/
      4. ↑ https://www.healthshots.com/mind/emotional-health/stop-pushing-people-away/
      5. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/avoidant-attachment-style
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/ways-to-overcome-a-push-pull-dynamic-in-your-relationship
      7. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/someone-is-pushing-you-away/
      8. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ https://greatist.com/happiness/pushing-people-away
      1. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/conflict-avoidance/
      6. ↑ https://your.yale.edu/spotlight-what-it-means-be-emotionally-intelligent
      7. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview

      About This Article

      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 6 times.

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement