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If you have brothers or sisters, you know that conflicts are bound to happen occasionally. Don’t worry, you’re not alone: it’s common for siblings to try each other’s patience. While being nice to your siblings may seem like the least of your concerns, basic acts of kindness can help strengthen the unique bond that you share with your siblings. Your efforts to be nice by extending support, dealing with conflict productively, and maintaining your unique bond will prove rewarding. [1] X Research source
Steps
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Spend time with your siblings. Your siblings need to feel like they have a place where they belong and are accepted, just like you. Spend time with each other and create memories that will strengthen your bond. Your sibling relationships will last a lifetime and your kindness will pay off in the long run. [2] X Research source
- Do activities that help your siblings become better people. Help them study, read together, give them tips before an interview, find them a job at your workplace.
- You can insist on your need for having time to yourself or for spending with your friends. Be clear that you are not rejecting or purposefully excluding your sibling. Say: “I need to have a private conversation with my friend today. Next time, I’ll invite you to join.”
- It can be difficult to develop relationships with step-siblings. Blending two different family experiences takes time. Be patient as everyone will need a different amount of time to grow comfortable with the new family dynamic. [3] X Trustworthy Source HealthyChildren.org Health information from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Go to source
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Share your things. It can be tempting to protect your things from the potential wear and damage that your siblings might inflict. Not only are material possessions less valuable than strong relationships, those possessions can help you share your tastes and interests and develop a sense of mutual trust and friendship.
- Maintain boundaries. If your sibling wants to borrow something that you need to use, like a car that you rely on daily, explain your reason for saying no. Make clear that you will not change your decision.
- Also, make sure that you ask before you borrow something that belongs to one of your siblings. This will help to foster respect between you.
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Show affection. Everyone wants to receive clear confirmation of the fact that they are liked and valued. The best way to do this will depend on your family dynamic and how you personally express affection. You might share hugs, high-fives, or gifts. Whatever way your family shows affection, regularly include your siblings. Every expression of affection counts for establishing a good relationship.
- Compliment your siblings. Make it a daily point to compliment your siblings. Even if you cannot spend significant time with your siblings, you can cultivate a strong relationship by expressing your admiration for them.
- You can also show affection through gratitude and encouragement. For example, saying "thank you" to your siblings can be helpful, even if you are only acknowledging little things. You can also encourage your siblings, such as by saying "Great job!" after a watching a sibling participate in a sporting event or perform in a school play.
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Listen to your siblings. Listening is a good way to develop a pattern of being nice to your siblings. Listening well can be a difficult art form: allow your sibling to explain an idea fully, interject only to ask clarifying questions or to show that you understand what they are feeling, and occasionally summarize what they have said. [4] X Expert Source William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 25 July 2019. Resist the urge to give advice until you they ask for it. Maintain eye contact. Your siblings will see your patient listening as kindness. [5] X Research source- A great way to show that you are actively listening is to ask questions that will encourage your sibling to clarify or elaborate: “How did that make you feel?” “Why did you make that choice?” “What do you plan to do about that?”
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Support your siblings publicly. Let friends and classmates know that you are proud of your siblings. When needed, defend your sibling against rumors and be supportive. Tell people that you respect and love your sibling and make clear that you will not tolerate anyone putting them down. Whether they are there to witness this, or hear about it later, your siblings will be happy to know that they do not face challenges alone.
- When you have the chance, share some praise for your sibling’s talents: “My brother has a great sense of style that inspires me.” “My sister is great at math, she helped me understand my algebra homework.” “My sister gave me great advice for surviving school, she really understands how people interact.”
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Stay calm. Emotions are often amplified during an argument. Acknowledge your emotions but engage arguments calmly. Rather than focus on fully expressing how you feel, focus on the source of the conflict. When your sibling says something hurtful, tell them that you are not going to respond to insults.
- Take deep breaths. This can help you regain a sense of perspective when you feel yourself losing control of your emotions. Inhale and exhale deeply and count as you do it. You will be able to engage an argument better as you will be able to step out of the fight or flight pattern of confrontation. [6] X Research source
- Repeat reassuring phrases. Give kind and measured responses to aggressive accusations until your sibling understands that you are going to remain calm regardless of what they say. Have a mantra, like “Nice words or no words” to signal to your siblings that nasty statements are unhelpful. Tell them: “I understand that you’re hurt, and I want to address this once we can talk calmly about it.”
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Identify what the argument is about. Arguments can grow worse if you and your sibling do not understand the true source of conflict. [7] X Expert Source William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 25 July 2019. You can turn an argument into a productive discussion by taking time to make sure that both parties specify what they want to resolve or accomplish. [8] X Research source- Ask your sibling “what do you want me to know,” or “what do you think is the most important issue to talk about?” After you listen, tell them your answer to the same questions.
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Avoid petty arguments. Not only will needless fights waste time, they can undermine your strategies for dealing with significant issues. Be the stronger person and walk away from taunts, teasing, and pressuring tactics. Remind yourself that childish behavior is best met by ignoring it or deflecting the topic. By not responding, you will encourage your sibling to avoid petty arguments in the future.
- Be polite when you confront your sibling. For example, if a sibling is talking to you while you are trying to pay attention to a TV program, say “It's rude to talk while I’m watching TV. I’ll talk with you when the program is over.” Do not start an argument by addressing them angrily.
- If your sibling teases you or tries to get a negative reaction from you, say matter-of-factly that you're hurt by their behavior and disappointed that they don't treat you with the respect that you deserve. Say “I'll come back for a friendly and mature discussion when you are ready.”
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Articulate clear boundaries. No matter how close you are with your siblings, some issues should be off limits. If your sibling criticizes you about something that is not their business, clearly tell them that “You have crossed a line, this is not your business and I won’t discuss it with you.” [9] X Expert Source William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.- Siblings know you how to get a reaction from you since they shared your formative experiences. If they cross a boundary, tell them this immediately. Not everyone understands personal boundaries the same way, so help them respect your limits by articulating them. [10] X Research source
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Trust your siblings. Even when emotions are raw, your siblings usually don't mean to hurt your feelings. In many cases, their desires may lead them to overlook your needs. They may be surprised by how an argument impacts you, so approach arguments with the assumption that respect can be restored through open dialogue.
- Vocalize your trust in order to turn arguments into productive discussions: “I don’t know if you realize how hurtful that statement is.” “I think that you said that to hurt me, but I also think that you don’t really mean it.”
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Look ahead. Adult sibling relationships offer support and understanding that outlasts many friendships and marriages. These relationships are also linked to greater life satisfaction. The work that you do now to get along with siblings will help you secure important support throughout your life. [11] X Research source
- Caring for aging parents is a significant challenge that overwhelms many adults. Adult siblings will be able to offer unique support as you care for your aging parents. They share your formative experiences, understand your parents’ needs, and they are as personally invested in this difficult task as you are. Years of being nice will pay off as you face this challenge together.
- As important as the bond between siblings is, it does not always lead to supportive relationships. It you are estranged from your siblings, it is important to realize that you are not alone in this. [12] X Research source
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Spend time together. It can be difficult to maintain relationships, especially with siblings, as you grow up and move on to new stages of your life. Make a point to spend time together periodically so that you continue to share new experiences. Checking in on your adult siblings is one of the clearest ways to be nice to them.
- If you live in the same area, you can alternate hosting dinner for each other’s family. If you live in different cities, you can arrange to visit your parents at the same time or plan a vacation together.
- Call regularly. You do not need to speak for a long time to maintain your relationship. You should, however, speak often enough that you will all know what is happening in each other’s lives.
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Recognize your unique bond. No matter how many people you meet, no one will share quite the same experiences that you have shared with your siblings. Even if you do not feel as close to your siblings as you do to your friends, they share a perspective with you that others will not be able to replicate.
- Even contentious sibling relationships can grow into a source of great support. It is possible the childhood rivalries may resurface between adults, but adulthood will provide opportunities to develop a more equitable friendship. [13] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I reconnect with my sibling?William Gardner, Psy.D. is a Clinical Psychologist in private practice located in San Francisco, CA’s financial district. With over 10 years of clinical experience, Dr. Gardner provides individually tailored psychotherapy for adults using cognitive behavioral techniques, to reduce symptoms and improve overall functioning. Dr. Gardner earned his PsyD from Stanford University in 2009, specializing in evidence-based practices. He then completed a post-doc fellowship at Kaiser Permanente.Don't try to force your values on them when you talk to them. Your sibling is their own person so accept them for who they are.
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Warnings
- Do not tolerate a sibling who hurts or abuses you purposefully. Such a sibling needs help and should not be excused just because of your relationship.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1209949,00.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201007/oh-brother?collection=127422
- ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/types-of-families/Pages/Stepsiblings.aspx
- ↑ William Gardner, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/11/09/10-steps-to-effective-listening/#150430ad26fb
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rewire-your-brain-love/201008/four-ways-respond-during-argument
- ↑ William Gardner, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/peacemeal/201010/3-steps-transform-sibling-conflict-sibling-camaraderie
- ↑ William Gardner, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
- ↑ https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424127887323482504578227613937854612
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/11/27/366789136/your-adult-siblings-may-be-the-secret-to-a-long-happy-life
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201503/why-siblings-sever-ties
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201509/siblings-life-or-friends-forever-adult-sibling-rivalry
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