How to Reach Out to a Friend You Haven't Talked to in a While

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Conversation starters you can use to rekindle a friendship
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Sometimes time can get away from you. You start thinking about someone and realize that even though you used to be close, you haven't talked to them in a while. It's totally natural to drift apart from people as you move through life, so if you miss someone and want to rekindle your relationship with them, we can help! Keep reading for our tips for reconnecting with someone you haven't talked to in a while, including what to say and what to consider, with insight from communication consultant Lynda Jean.

How to Reconnect with Someone You Haven’t Talked to in a While

  1. Try texting first, in case they don’t answer unexpected phone calls.
  2. Use a special occasion (like their birthday) as an excuse to reconnect.
  3. Acknowledge it’s been a while and explain your silence.
  4. Ask genuine questions about how they’ve been lately.
  5. Ask to meet up in person if the conversation goes well.
1

Text first to re-establish contact.

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    This is especially true if it's been years since you last talked to the person. You want to at least make sure you have the right number, first of all. And you also want to allow them to prepare for the conversation. [1]
    • You might text , "Hey Sarah, this is Lucy from law school. Not sure if you still have my number. I was thinking about you the other day and wondered what you were up to. I'd love to reconnect!"
    • If your number has changed, be sure to let them know what it is now, Jean suggests. [2]
    • If you never texted the person before, an email might work better. [3] Social media is another low-key way to reconnect if texting or calling out of the blue just doesn't feel right.
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2

Reference a social media post of theirs.

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    You might be connected to an old friend on social media, but passively liking each other's posts or even occasionally commenting isn't the same as a friendship. Still, you can use those posts to spark a conversation. Here are a few possibilities:
    • "OMG I just saw your anniversary pictures! I can't believe you've already been married for 5 years—it seems like the wedding was just yesterday!"
    • "I can't believe you went to Paris. Your photos are amazing! I'd love to hear more about your trip."
3

Use a special occasion as an excuse.

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    If your social media reminds you that it’s someone's birthday and you haven't spoken to them in a while, just send them a message! It'll only take a minute and it's a fun way to re-establish contact. [4]
    • You might say, "Hey, I saw it was your birthday. Hope you've had a wonderful day. Look, I know we haven't talked in a while, but I'd love to catch up!"
    • Other holidays work for this as well. For example: "Happy New Year, my friend! My resolution is to not let another year go by without hanging out with you."
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4

Explain your silence.

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    It's easy to understand how you can get caught up in life and let a few things fall by the wayside. If you've had a lot going on or things have been particularly stressful, you might not have had the time to maintain a friendship. [5] Here are some ways you can briefly explain the situation:
    • "I've been so busy the past few months I can barely keep my head above water. But I did see the video you sent me—so funny! How have you been?"
    • "I saw your message but I got sidetracked and forgot about it. Things have been wild. Care to catch up?"
5

Acknowledge that it's been a while.

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    The length of time since you last talked to the person is the proverbial elephant in the room—it's awkward, but not mentioning it can make things even more awkward. Just mention it briefly, then move on. [6] You might say:
    • "Sound as natural and down to earth as possible," Jean says, "and just say, 'Time is one of those things that just runs away with us, it's been quite a while since I've talked to you or seen you, and I've been thinking about you, and I thought that I want to pick up the phone and see how you are.'" [7]
    • "Gosh, I just realized it's been 5 years since we last spoke. Time flies! What have you been up to?"
    • "Long time, no see! Can you believe it's been 3 years? It would be so great to chat again."
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6

Apologize if you feel it's necessary.

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    One apology is enough if you feel like you were at fault and want to get that off your chest. But remember that any disconnect is often a two-way street, and it's likely they could have made more of an effort to keep in touch with you too. Focus on your feelings instead of putting them on the defensive or making them think you contacted them out of guilt. "The main thing is to sound authentic and not guilty," Jean says. [8] Here are some things you might say: [9]
    • "I'm sorry I did such a bad job of keeping in touch after the wedding!"
    • "I'm sorry I didn't reach out to you sooner. I felt weird after you moved away."
    • "I feel so awful I haven't texted or called you more. I miss you so much!"
7

Be upfront if you're calling for a specific reason.

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    Look at it from the other person's point of view: if someone messages you out of the blue after years, you might wonder what they want. Don't worry about being that person who only contacts people if you want something—most people like to be helpful. [10]
    • "Hi Sarah, it's Jane from law school. I know we haven't talked since graduation, but I'm getting ready to move to Chicago. Do you still live there? I'm looking for recommendations on neighborhoods to live in."
    • "Austin! This is Mark—we met at DragonCon last year. Do you still work with Fantasy Films? I have a friend who just applied there and is looking for some tips."
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8

Tell them why they popped in your head.

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    After all, there has to be some reason, right? Even if it's as simple as looking at old photos or hearing an old song. They'll likely feel special when they hear it. For example, you might say:
    • "I was in a bar and someone put that Journey song on the jukebox. Of course, I instantly thought of you. How've you been?"
    • "My partner and I were playing Ticket to Ride last night and I remembered how much fun we had playing it in grad school. What've you been up to?"
9

Bring up an old memory.

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    When in doubt, an old memory or inside joke is sure to warm your friend's heart. If things feel a bit stiff between you, just think back to the time when you were close. [11] For example, you might say:
    • "Oh man, remember when we went to the state fair that one year? I will never forget your face covered in powdered sugar from that funnel cake."
    • “Wow, remember when we saw that band with that awesome electric violinist? Did you know he's still performing?"
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10

Send a photo that reminds you of them.

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    This may even have been the reason you got the idea to reach out to them in the first place, so why not share it? If nothing else, they'll be grateful that you took the time to send it to them. [12]
    • You could also post the photo or video on social media and tag them, but you're much more likely to get their attention if you send it to them directly. Plus, it's more private and personal that way.
11

Ask questions about their life.

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    Asking questions is a great way to keep a conversation going, Jean says. [13] Pay close attention to their responses and ask follow-up questions to learn more about the person they are now. If you haven't spoken to them in years, be prepared for the fact that they might've changed a lot since you were close. Here are some ideas to start you off:
    • "Last time we talked you had just graduated law school. Did you take the bar exam? What are you doing now?"
    • "I heard you recently got engaged. Tell me more about your partner—it's so wonderful to see you so happy!"
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12

Find out if they'd like to meet up.

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    A face-to-face meetup or a video chat is a great way to re-establish a friendship. At the same time, neither of you has talked to each other in a while, and that might not be entirely an accident. Broach the topic after you've been chatting a bit. [14] Here are some things you might say:
    • "Would you be interested in a video chat? I realize it's been forever, so if you're not down, I totally understand. I hope you're doing well."
    • "Listen, would you want to grab a cup of coffee tomorrow? I'm sure you're super busy. If this isn't a good time for you, I get it."
13

Keep your expectations in check.

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    It's totally possible that you'll rekindle your friendship and become as close as you once were. But it's also possible that you've just grown apart—and there's nothing wrong with that. [15]
    • If the person is open to reconnecting with you , make an effort to get to know them as the person they are now, rather than constantly reminiscing about the people the two of you were back when you were close.
    • It's possible the person won't ever respond to you, or that they'll have no desire to reconnect with you. That can be hard to deal with, but try to respect their wishes.
    • Remember that growing apart is natural, and it doesn’t mean that the time you spent in each other’s company was any less meaningful or important.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What do I say to someone I haven't talked to in a long time?
    Lynda Jean
    Communication Consultant
    Lynda Jean is an Image Consultant and the Owner of Lynda Jean Image Consulting. With over 15 years of experience, Lynda specializes in color and body/style analysis, wardrobe audits, personal shopping, social and professional etiquette, and personal and business branding. She works with clients to enhance their image, self-esteem, behavior, and communication to facilitate their social and career goals. Lynda holds Bachelor degrees in Sociology and Social Work, a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Work, and a Certified Image Consultant (CIC) certification. She studied Image Consulting at the International Image Institute and the International Academy of Fashion and Technology in Toronto, Canada. Lynda has taught Image Consulting courses at George Brown College in Toronto, Canada. She is the co-author of the book, “Business Success With Ease,” where she shares her knowledge about, ‘The Power of Professional Etiquette.’
    Lynda Jean
    Communication Consultant
    Expert Answer
    That depends on why you stopped communicating, but in general, I would recommend you let them know you've been thinking about them. Then, ask them how they're doing.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 5
  • Question
    Is it okay to get back to the person even if he hurts me?
    Community Answer
    Yes, you can, but recognize that he may try to hurt you again.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    I'm a teenager and I lived in Colorado but now I'm in Texas and I can't get my friend to answer me. I am getting worried about her because she has mean mom and dad, what can I do?
    Community Answer
    Try to connect with her online or else you could try to talk with your common friend to ask about her.
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    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      Tips

      • If you have mutual friends, you could try initiating a group hang the first time you reconnect, as a way to diffuse some of the awkwardness.
        Thanks
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      • Go easy on yourself for losing touch. It happens to everyone! Once you’ve explained your silence and apologized, try not to stress too much about it. If you’re able to reignite your friendship with this person, just do your best not to let it fall by the wayside anymore.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/best-way-reach-out-old-friend-advice/
      2. ↑ Lynda Jean. Communication Consultant. Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.
      3. ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/08/how-to-email-someone-you-havent-talked-to-in-forever
      4. ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/best-way-reach-out-old-friend-advice/
      5. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210623-why-its-ok-to-let-friendships-fade-out
      6. ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/08/how-to-email-someone-you-havent-talked-to-in-forever
      7. ↑ Lynda Jean. Communication Consultant. Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.
      8. ↑ Lynda Jean. Communication Consultant. Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.
      9. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210623-why-its-ok-to-let-friendships-fade-out
      1. ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/08/how-to-email-someone-you-havent-talked-to-in-forever
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202005/reaching-out-old-flames-and-former-friends
      3. ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/best-way-reach-out-old-friend-advice/
      4. ↑ Lynda Jean. Communication Consultant. Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202005/reaching-out-old-flames-and-former-friends
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202005/reaching-out-old-flames-and-former-friends

      About This Article

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      To call someone you haven’t talked to in a long time, start by calling at a time they’re likely to be free, such as between 6 and 9 pm on a weekday. Then, tell them who you are and remind them where they know you from, saying something like “Hi, Greg! It’s Nicole from Dartmouth.” After that, explain what made you pick up the phone, using words such as “I reread that book you gave me, and it made me think of you.” You may also want to offer an apology for being out of touch, like “I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch after the wedding.” For tips on how to leave a message for someone you haven’t talked to in a while, scroll down!

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