How to DM a Girl Who You Don't Know

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The best first messages to send to start a conversation
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If you’re thinking about sliding into some DMs, you may be wondering how to improve your odds. Luckily, there are tons of creative ways to do this and stand out from the crowd. DMs are a super low-key and laid-back way to communicate, so it’s hard to go wrong so long as you're respectful. We talked to a team of dating coaches to bring you the best tips and etiquette when messaging a girl you don’t know.

Sliding into Her DMs

Message her with a question, or something interesting about something she’s posted recently. Look for a connection or something you have in common to mention. Avoid being pushy, rude, or overtly sexual, and always respect her boundaries.

1

Be confident.

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  1. You’re a lot more likely to elicit a positive response if you come across as sure of yourself and act like you know what you’re doing, instead of acting like you’re imposing. The worst that could happen is she doesn’t respond, so there’s no big risk here. Dating coach Mark Rosenfeld says that offline or online, “there's no reason you can't open a conversation.” [1]
    • Don’t be so bold as to ask for nudes or be outright sexual, though. That’s definitely not how you flirt without being creepy or aggressive.
    • Make sure to follow the girl on social media before you DM her. This can make her more likely to look at your message and respond.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1050 wikiHow readers, and 54% of them agreed that it’s important to ​​follow your crush on social media before you slide into their DMs. [Take Poll]
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2

Don’t overthink it.

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  1. Dating coach Kristina Mirgorodskaya suggests not being “too long-winded.” [2] This isn’t a job interview, and if you don’t craft the most perfectly-worded DM of all time, it’s not the end of the world. It’s easy to talk yourself out of sending a DM, and the longer you linger on the specific language you're going to use, the more likely you are to talk yourself out of sending a message. You got this, so just do it!
    • If you’re really worried about saying the wrong thing, have a trusted friend read the DM and critique it before you send it.
3

Find something that you have in common.

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  1. Rosenfeld says to look for a “contact point.” [3] It’s a lot easier to connect with someone online if they know you have some shared experience or mutual friends in real life. Send her a DM by saying hello and commenting on whatever it is you have in common. Maintain a casual tone and don’t cross any lines by getting too personal or flirtatious if you aren’t ready for that. [4]
    • You could say, “Hey, I saw you’re friends with my buddy Jamie. Did we meet at his party last year? I’m Tony, by the way.”
    • You might try, “You went to Clements High School? You look super familiar, were you in Mr. Grady’s homeroom?”
    • If you don’t have anything in common, include a note on why you added her. You might say, “Hey, my name is Alex. I saw some of your posts when a friend reshared them; I love the memes you post. How are you doing?”
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4

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  1. Mirgorodskaya advises keeping it “light and playful.” [5] If she posts a funny SpongeBob Squarepants meme, like the post and then DM her another SpongeBob-related meme. If she posts a funny TikTok, flirt by sending her a different funny TikTok along with a note like, “Ever see this one?” Sharing funny content is a great way to connect and get to know one another.
    • The benefit of this move is that it’s impossible to send a mixed signal or cross a line on accident. Nobody has ever taken a funny meme the wrong way!
    • If you want to get a little flirty with it, feel free to choose a funny meme with a bit of a flirtatious undertone.
5

Compliment her personality.

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  1. Dating coach Imad Jbara reminds us that lots of women receive loads of compliments about their looks online, so choose something else to compliment instead. [6] Send her a DM that’s relevant to something she posted and comment on it. Just make sure you aren’t focusing on anything physical, since it can come off the wrong way—especially if she doesn’t know you in real life.
    • If she shares a crowdfunding campaign to help someone in need, you might send her something like, “It was really nice of you to share that fundraiser. I read through it and threw them a few bucks. What a sad story. You’re a kind soul.”
    • If she gets into an argument with someone online, you might send her a note like, “Hey, that guy you were arguing with was being a total dork. I thought you handled that with poise.”
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6

Ask for a recommendation.

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  1. Dating coach Joshua Pompey says to “put a unique spin on questions that are very common.” [7] One way to do that is to ask for a personal recommendation. If the two of you live in the same area, ask her where she took those brunch photos. If she posts a photo of her pet hedgehog, message her and tell her you’ve been thinking of getting a new pet and ask her some questions. This is a great way to establish some rapport and connect over a shared interest.
    • This is also a great way to connect your digital interactions to real life. If you live in the same town and you ask her for restaurant recommendations, the two of you can start talking about favorite local food joints!
    • You could even ask her the name of a song she posted in a video she took and shared.
7

Use open-ended questions and comments.

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  1. Rosenfeld tells us to ask questions that show you’re interested in learning about her. [8] If you ever reply to her in a way where you don’t give her something to respond to, she may stop talking to you. If things feel like they’re coming to a natural close, use open-ended questions to keep things open and maintain your momentum. Stay away from one-word responses, since they can put an end to any conversation fast.
    • For example, if she says something like, “Yeah, I work at the bowling alley over on North Avenue,” you replying with, “Oh, that’s cool!” doesn’t really give her anything to work with.
    • However, if you said, “That’s a sweet gig. How do you like it?” or, “That’s crazy, I used to work on North Avenue too. That’s a fun area,” she’ll have something to reply to.
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8

Keep it light and don’t be pushy.

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  1. Mirgorodskaya reminds us not to get too heavy or serious. [9] It can take a bit of time to guide the conversation where you want it to go. Take your time and be super casual whenever the two of you interact. If the conversation comes to a natural conclusion, let it. You can always interact with her later by commenting on her posts, replying to her when she comments on your posts, or DMing her in the future.
    • Professing any romantic interest in a stranger you meet online is rarely going to work out. It’s totally okay to have a crush, but take things super slow and don’t be overtly sexual.
    • Jbara says, “A girl can tell if you're needy or not, just by the way you text them.” Treat the convo like an everyday chat between friends.
    • Also avoid topics like politics, religion, or any other sensitive subjects, unless you're replying to one of her posts.
9

Ask for her number.

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  1. As the two of you get to know one another, aim to move from social media to the phone so that you can get to know one another even better. Rosenfeld encourages asking for her number when the natural opportunity comes. Don’t ask for a date right away or change your tone or anything—just casually find a way to ask for her number . [10] If she gives it to you, start talking to her over text the same way you were over social media.
    • You might say, “I’ve got to go to work in a bit. We can keep chatting over text if you’d like. What’s your number?”
    • You could ask, “I’m not on Facebook Messenger all that often. My number is 555-5555 if you want to hit me up.”
    • If she declines your offer, play it off. You might say, “No worries! I totally get it,” or, “No sweat. There’s a lot of weirdos out there, so I hear you.”
    • You can always ask for her Snapchat if you want something a little more personal than Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter but it doesn’t feel like she’ll agree to exchange numbers.
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10

Try a direct approach if you're feeling bold.

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  1. Rosenfeld tells us to “make yourself obvious.” [11] There’s no shame in making your move and seeing what happens. Being direct about what you’re looking for is a great way to stand out from the crowd. It exudes confidence , it’s honest, and it’s sure to catch her eye. You might try something like:
    • “Hey, you seem super cool. Want to grab a drink tonight?”
    • “I can’t believe we go to the same school and we’ve never talked. Let’s grab some coffee sometime, you seem so down to earth.”
    • “Sorry if this is super forward, but you’re a cutie pie. Want to hang out later?”
11

Move on if she doesn't seem interested.

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  1. Pompey reminds us that many people have had unsettling experiences online. [12] Women especially have to put up with a lot of unfortunate nonsense. If you’re getting frustrated that she isn’t engaging or you aren’t seeing any progress here, it helps to step back and consider how she feels. Women often get unwanted advances from random people online, and it can be a lot to deal with. Be thoughtful, respect her , and let it go if you don’t get the results you want. [13]
    • Keep in mind that the more popular she is online, the more messages from other people she probably gets, and the less likely she is to respond.
    • If you reach out more than once and she doesn’t respond, keep moving. There are other girls out there!
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you keep a text conversation interesting?
    Joshua Pompey
    Relationship Expert
    Joshua Pompey is a Relationship Expert and Founder of Next Evolution Matchmaking (NEM) based in New York City, NY. With over 15 years in the industry, Joshua helps his clients navigate online dating and has a success rate of over 99%. His work has been featured in CNBC, Good Morning America, Wired, and Refinery29 and he has been referred to as the best online dater in the world.
    Joshua Pompey
    Relationship Expert
    Expert Answer
    Send text messages about what is going on in your life. You can tell them something funny that your coworker did or something you watched on Netflix.
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  • Question
    What is good texting etiquette when communicating with a potential date?
    Joshua Pompey
    Relationship Expert
    Joshua Pompey is a Relationship Expert and Founder of Next Evolution Matchmaking (NEM) based in New York City, NY. With over 15 years in the industry, Joshua helps his clients navigate online dating and has a success rate of over 99%. His work has been featured in CNBC, Good Morning America, Wired, and Refinery29 and he has been referred to as the best online dater in the world.
    Joshua Pompey
    Relationship Expert
    Expert Answer
    It is best to use a casual tone if you are texting to get a date. You can send messages every couple of days before meeting them. Use texting as a means for building up the excitement for your date.
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      Tips

      • If you follow her and she doesn’t follow you back, it might be a sign that she’s not interested in engaging with people she doesn’t know online. [14]
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      References

      1. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      2. ↑ Kristina Mirgorodskaya. Dating Expert. Expert Interview. 31 May 2022.
      3. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      4. ↑ http://teenhealthsource.com/blog/etiquette-for-sliding-into-dms/
      5. ↑ Kristina Mirgorodskaya. Dating Expert. Expert Interview. 31 May 2022.
      6. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 22 September 2021.
      7. ↑ Joshua Pompey. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.
      8. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      9. ↑ Kristina Mirgorodskaya. Dating Expert. Expert Interview. 31 May 2022.
      1. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      2. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      3. ↑ Joshua Pompey. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.
      4. ↑ https://www.vice.com/en/article/59v3k5/how-to-slide-into-someones-dms-without-embarrassing-yourself
      5. ↑ https://bestlifeonline.com/instagram-flirting/

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