How to Express Disappointment to Your Boss

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When you experience disappointment over something that happened at work, like getting passed over for a promotion or feeling unrecognized for a big project you completed, it can be a super frustrating and demoralizing feeling. Talking to your boss may be a healthy way you can advocate for yourself in the workplace. Just because they’re your boss doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have honest conversations about how things at work affect you and what you need moving forward to be a healthy and productive employee.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Processing Your Feelings

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  1. Once you’re away from your job, allow yourself to get angry, sad, frustrated, resentful, anxious, or whatever other emotion you may be feeling. Take a few hours to be upset rather than trying to minimize your experience or pretend it didn’t happen. [1]
    • If you’re so upset you're unable to continue working, try to take a break. Go for a walk, take a drive, or call a friend, and try to blow off some steam for 15 minutes before going back to finish your workday.
  2. Sometimes your surface feelings—especially ones of anger—can threaten to boil over. Take the time to work through your feelings and look at what’s underneath your initial knee-jerk reaction. This can help you understand yourself better, which will make it easier to think about having a calm conversation with your boss. [2]
    • For example, let’s say your boss passed you over for a special work trip, even though you’ve put in a lot of time and effort into the presentation for the trip. Your initial reaction may be anger, confusion, or grief, and you may even be tempted to spout off or quit your job on the spot!
    • Beneath your surface emotions, you may also be feeling undervalued. You may feel that your boss doesn’t appreciate or see the work that you’ve done. You may be wondering if you should have been doing something differently.
    • Work on adding the “because” to your emotions to help you understand them. “I feel hurt because my work is going to be presented by someone else,” or, “I feel angry because I’ve given a lot to the company and don’t feel appreciated.”
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  3. When you finally talk with your boss, you want to be calm and level-headed; after all, you’re looking to have a conversation that will hopefully better your relationship. Venting to a friend about how you’re angry, confused, or disappointed is a great way to validate your emotions without letting them hurt you professionally. [3]
    • Your friend may have some great advice or be able to give an outsider’s opinion if that’s something you’re open to.
  4. Try asking yourself what your boss may have been thinking when they made a particular decision. Consider that there may be outside forces, like a budget or new hiring practices, that are affecting company policy. [4]
    • Having a different perspective can help you think through how the conversation with your boss might sound.
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Part 2
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Preparing for the Meeting

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  1. Ask your boss to meet with you at a specific time rather than just trying to catch them when they have a few free minutes. Having dedicated time for a conversation will give you both the space you need to speak and listen. [5]
    • Take your boss’s personality and communication preferences and schedule into account. If your boss is always rushing off to pick up their kids in the afternoon, maybe an early morning meeting would work best. [6]
    • Try saying something like, “Hi Kate, do you have time for a meeting this Wednesday? I’d like to follow up with you about my latest performance review.”
  2. Working through your disappointment and emotions beforehand helps prevent these bursts of emotion, which might make your boss take you less seriously. Remember that you and your boss might have different perspectives on the same situation, but you have to stay calm to communicate effectively. [7]
    • You can’t control your boss’ response, but you can make sure you communicate clearly and ask for what you need.
  3. Remember, your boss’s time is valuable, as is yours. You want to get to the point and keep from meandering or getting overly personal. Try to be as factual and clear as possible and avoid whining, complaining, or comparing. [8]
    • For example, if you’re dealing with a harsh performance review, try saying something like this: “Last week in my performance review, you told me my work hasn’t been up to standard. I was surprised and disappointed to hear this because I hadn’t received any negative feedback on my most recent project. If there is a problem with my work, in the future I’d like to know in the moment so that I can address the issue and be a productive member of our team. Can we talk about ways I can improve so this doesn’t stay an issue?”
    • You may want to try writing down what you plan to say or making bullet points to reference during your meeting. It can be hard to have these kinds of conversations and you may find you forget what you wanted to say at the moment.
  4. If you go into your meeting expecting your boss to shut you down or not listen to you, it may be harder for you to communicate. Instead of obsessing about how the conversation could go wrong, choose to think of how it will go right. [9]
    • If you find yourself playing out horrible ends to your conversation, stop, acknowledge your thoughts, and reframe them. Try thinking something like, “What if everything works out?”
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Having a Calm Conversation

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  1. Use open body language . Practice keeping a neutral expression. Keep your fists open, your face relaxed, and avoid hunching your shoulders or crossing your arms. [10]
    • Avoid touching your face or playing with your hair, as these movements can communicate insecurity.
  2. Saying something generic like, “I’ve been frustrated at work lately,” isn’t going to help you and your boss have a constructive conversation. Pinpoint what the experience was that made you feel disappointed. [11] [12]
    • For example, say something like, “When I was hired, I was told I would have the opportunity to work from home several days a week. When I’ve tried to implement that practice, I’ve been shut down.”
  3. Express to them the emotion—e.g., anger, confusion, anxiety—and why you felt it. Don’t devolve into the actual emotion; do your best to stay calm. But it’s okay to let your boss know that you were upset or angry or whatever it was you were feeling. [13]
    • You may say something like, “I’m disappointed that I wasn’t chosen to go on the Vancouver trip. I worked hard on that project, so I felt unseen and unappreciated when the announcement was made about who would be going.”
  4. This is where you get to ask for clarity, give ideas about how to better communicate, or tell your boss how they can help you be a better worker. Your boss can’t read your mind, so you have to ask for what you need. [14]
    • You may say something like, “I need clarification about this part of my job. Can you give me more information about why there has been a delay on this?”
    • Or, “I put in a lot of time on that project and was proud of my work. I understand some adjustments needed to be made, but I also needed to hear that my effort was noticed.”
  5. Once you’ve said what you needed to say, sit back and wait. When your boss responds, do your best to truly listen. Don’t interrupt them to defend yourself or argue about something. Listen respectfully and hear that they’re saying. [15]
    • Hopefully, your boss responds positively and appreciates that you opened a channel for more genuine conversation.
    • If you need to, answer any questions or ask other ones you may have.
  6. Stewing and keeping a record of the ways you feel you’ve been wronged won’t improve your situation and will just make you unhappy at work. After dealing with the conflict and expressing your disappointment, do your best to let it go . [16]
    • If the experiences you’re having with your boss are chronic, you may need to think about whether or not your job is the right fit for you.
  7. Ideally, you’ll meet with your boss in person. In some situations, though, it may be helpful to have a written record of you expressing concern and disappointment about something that happened at your job. If you do write an email, make sure to be clear, calm, and direct. [17]
    • Remember that your boss won’t be able to read your body language or tone like they would if you were meeting in person.
    • For example, an email about disappointment in getting passed over for a recent job might look something like this: “Ben, I heard that Raquel was offered the new management position earlier this week. I was disappointed to hear the news, especially since we had talked about me taking over that position at my last review. Is there something I should be doing differently to make sure I’m considered for future advancement at the company? I’m looking forward to hearing how I can improve my work and continue to be a valued member of our team. Warmly, Victoria.”
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Is it OK to tell my boss that I'm unhappy?
    Shannon O'Brien, MA, EdM
    Life & Career Coach
    Shannon O'Brien is the Founder and Principal Advisor of Whole U. (a career and life strategy consultancy based in Boston, MA). Through advising, workshops and e-learning Whole U. empowers people to pursue their life's work and live a balanced, purposeful life. Shannon has been ranked as the #1 Career Coach and #1 Life Coach in Boston, MA by Yelp reviewers. She has been featured on Boston.com, Boldfacers, and the UR Business Network. She received a Master's of Technology, Innovation, & Education from Harvard University.
    Shannon O'Brien, MA, EdM
    Life & Career Coach
    Expert Answer
    It is, but be sure to take your boss's personality into account to predict how they're going to react. If they're logical and respectful, you shouldn't have any issues.
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      Tips

      • Every job holds disappointments—your responsibility is to make sure you take those disappointments and work through them so that they don’t continue to negatively affect you.
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      • Avoid things like comparing yourself to others or complaining about a coworker. While your points may be valid, they’ll make you sound like you’re whining.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://hbr.org/2007/08/overcoming-career-disappointme
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wander-woman/201502/how-tell-your-boss-how-you-feel
      3. ↑ https://www.ellevatenetwork.com/articles/8044-5-ways-to-bounce-back-from-disappointment-at-work
      4. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/jacquelynsmith/2013/10/16/14-tips-for-improving-your-relationship-with-your-boss/#6f610c1b59b0
      5. ↑ https://www.careeraddict.com/talk-to-boss
      6. ↑ Shannon O'Brien, MA, EdM. Life & Career Coach. Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wander-woman/201502/how-tell-your-boss-how-you-feel
      8. ↑ https://www.thejobnetwork.com/effective-communication-with-your-boss/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wander-woman/201502/how-tell-your-boss-how-you-feel
      1. ↑ https://www.thejobnetwork.com/effective-communication-with-your-boss/
      2. ↑ Shannon O'Brien, MA, EdM. Life & Career Coach. Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.
      3. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/dailymuse/2014/04/15/feeling-frustrated-how-to-stand-up-for-what-you-need-at-work/#37092a310496
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wander-woman/201502/how-tell-your-boss-how-you-feel
      5. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/dailymuse/2014/04/15/feeling-frustrated-how-to-stand-up-for-what-you-need-at-work/#37092a310496
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wander-woman/201502/how-tell-your-boss-how-you-feel
      7. ↑ https://www.ellevatenetwork.com/articles/8044-5-ways-to-bounce-back-from-disappointment-at-work
      8. ↑ https://www.fastcompany.com/40431961/how-to-write-a-work-email-when-youre-really-pissed-off

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