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The most common gaslighting phrases and how to shut them down
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Does someone have you second-guessing yourself even when you know you’re right? If so, they may be gaslighting you. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and can occur in any relationship. But deciphering if you’re being gaslighted can be tricky, so we’ve put together a list of the most common gaslighting phrases to help. Plus, we’ll let you know how you can respond to shut down their tactics.
This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist, Lena Dicken. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Gaslighting phrases will make you question your reality and doubt yourself, so it’s easier for the gaslighter to manipulate and control you.
- A gaslighter will make you feel small and insignificant by countering your words with “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not a big deal.”
- Respond to a gaslighter by ignoring them, standing up for yourself, or reminding yourself what you excel at.
Steps
Quiz
wikiHow Quiz: Am I Being Gaslighted?
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you leave a partner who's gaslighting you?Fernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.Self-care is extremely important—make sure that your needs and feelings are being taken care of. That can involve getting therapy for yourself, having a plan of action for yourself, and building a support system. Whenever you plan on leaving a partner, it's really important to have people that you can trust by your side (whether it's loved ones or a mental health professional) to make that separation stick.
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QuestionHow do you expose a gaslighter?Fernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.Exposing a gaslighter is an extremely challenging thing to do—not because of the facts and evidence, but because of the human body's ability to maintain a negative mindset. Trying to expose a gaslighter often results in higher levels of conflict that don't actually resolve anyone's needs (including the person trying to do the exposing). It's better to discuss these challenges in a healthier space like therapy or couples' counseling.
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QuestionHow do you know for sure if someone is gaslighting you?Fernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.Check in with how you're feeling emotionally first. If you're in a heightened emotional state, separate yourself for some time to bring yourself back to a state of emotional neutrality. Gaslighting tactics work far better on people in heightened emotional states rather than calm ones. Before you ask yourself if you're being gaslit, see how emotionally riled up you're feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. If you're anything above a 4, give yourself some time to calm down before diving into that question.
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Tips
- Not everyone who says these phrases is a gaslighter. Before you label your parent, partner, or friend as a gaslighter, check for other signs of gaslighting and consider the context of your interaction. [26] X Research sourceThanks
- Write down your experiences if you suspect that you're in a gaslighting relationship so you can revisit them when you're in an emotionally calm state. It also helps to lean on your support system and get their perspective on your situation.Thanks
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about gaslighting, check out our in-depth interview with Fernando Campos .
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202211/the-top-5-gaslighting-phrases-struggling-adult-children
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202211/the-top-5-gaslighting-phrases-struggling-adult-children
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting
- ↑ https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-42460315
- ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/is-someone-gaslighting-you.html
- ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/is-someone-gaslighting-you.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202211/the-top-5-gaslighting-phrases-struggling-adult-children
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/gaslighting
- ↑ https://youtu.be/u3ykcBt89_Y?t=303
- ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/is-someone-gaslighting-you.html
- ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/is-someone-gaslighting-you.html
- ↑ https://youtu.be/y3t-Jvrr2OY?t=237
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
- ↑ https://youtu.be/fer2eZJfuiU?t=95
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/gaslighting
- ↑ https://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/attach/journals/oct19asrfeature.pdf
- ↑ https://youtu.be/fer2eZJfuiU?t=61
- ↑ https://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/attach/journals/oct19asrfeature.pdf
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
- ↑ https://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/attach/journals/oct19asrfeature.pdf
- ↑ https://youtu.be/u3ykcBt89_Y?t=32
- ↑ https://youtu.be/y3t-Jvrr2OY?t=161
- ↑ https://youtu.be/y3t-Jvrr2OY?t=69
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