How to Handle a Partner Staying Friends with Exes

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Dealing with exes can be difficult, especially if they are your partner’s. If you’re struggling to cope with your partner’s friendship with an ex, talk to your partner about it. Let them know how you feel and discuss any boundaries you wish to have. If you’re feeling jealous, recognize that jealousy may not reflect what’s going on with your partner and may more accurately reflect your own insecurity. Avoid comparing yourself with their ex and ask yourself and your partner important questions about the relationship.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Communicating with Your Partner

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    It’s never easy to bring up a difficult conversation, especially if it has to do with your partner’s ex. Be curious and ask questions instead of making accusations. This allows your partner to speak and be heard without you making assumptions. [1] Be careful not to cast blame on your partner. Instead, frame things from your perspective or on how you feel.
    • For example, use “I” statements instead of blaming your partner. For example, say, “I feel uncomfortable when you act secretively on your phone, and I suspect it’s because you’re talking to your ex. Is there something I should know?” This is much less aggressive than saying, “Why do you act so secretively around your ex?”
    • In healthy relationships based on trust and respect, honest communication is key. [2]
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    Say how you feel your partner’s relationship with their ex affects your trust. Is your partner deserving of your trust or do you feel like they may be trying to hide something? Recognize the difference between being suspicious of your partner’s actions and feeling insecure. Say that you want a trusting relationship with your partner and you need to talk about it. [3]
    • For example, say, “I want to trust you, but the way you relate to your ex makes me feel unsure. Can you tell me how you feel about trust in our relationship?”
    • If you’ve been hurt in the past, recognize that your partner is not to blame for the hurt you’ve experienced. If you don’t trust your partner, ask yourself why.
    • Staying friends with exes isn't always a problem, but there should be clear boundaries and the friendship should never infringe on your relationship in any way. [4]
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    Talk to your partner about your experiences and why you’re having problems with jealousy. If you’re uncomfortable with the level of contact your partner has with an ex, say so. It may be time to set some boundaries. If you feel like you’re not getting enough of their attention, say so. If you’ve had a cheating partner in the past, tell your partner how they made you feel.
    • Say, “It’s hard for me to see you have a friendship with your ex. My trust has been broken before, so seeing you be friendly with your ex makes me feel insecure.”
    • Your partner's ex shouldn't use the friendship as an emotional outlet, as a way to make you jealous, or attempt to keep their conversations secret. [5]
    Shirley P. Glass, Infidelity Specialist

    It's normal to feel threatened if your partner is still friends with exes. But instead of reacting angrily or making demands, talk openly about what worries you. Why does this friendship make you uneasy? Do you trust your partner? Explain boundaries that would help you feel respected. Even though their bond came before you, your comfort matters too. Give your partner a chance to reassure you, and make reasonable requests about their interactions. With compromise and seeing each other's perspective, you can likely reach a resolution.

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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Adjusting Your Thoughts and Attitude

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    If your partner’s relationship with their ex bothers you, say something. If your partner is attentive to your needs and respects any boundaries you agree upon, great. If your partner agrees then ends up continually talking to their ex, this may be a problem. If you feel like your partner is giving more attention and respect to their ex over you, then be careful in moving forward. [6]
    • Talk to your partner about your feelings of respect. Say, “I know you want to be friends with your ex, but it bothers me that you text them every day. Is it possible to have less contact with them?”
    • Trust your gut; if something feels off, speak up quickly and directly. [7]
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    Jealousy has everything to do with you, not your partner. If you’re feeling jealous, recognize that it’s okay to feel that way and that everyone feels jealous at one time or another. Yet, unhealthy jealousy occurs when you act on your feelings. Some examples include snooping on your partner’s texts, emails, or computer. If you’re feeling jealous, say something to your partner. [8]
    • Ask yourself what motivates these feelings. Is your partner actually acting suspicious or are you sensitive because you’ve been hurt before?
    • If your partner is being secretive or telling half-truths, say something. For example, you can say, “I see when you turn your phone over or take calls from your ex outside, and it makes me feel suspicious, like you’re hiding something. This is making me feel jealous.”
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Recognize if your jealousy is healthy or destructive. Feeling jealousy can be normal, but it shouldn't turn into possessiveness or control. Watch out for red flags like constant suspicion and attempts to limit your partner's freedom.

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    If your partner wants to remain friends with their ex, think about how that may affect you long-term. Will you be okay in the future with their relationship, or will you continue to feel angry or jealous? If you want a future with your partner, you may need to come to terms with their relationship. Accept that they are friends and trust your partner when they say they want to be with you. [9]
    • Remember that your partner is with you. If your partner says their previous relationship is over, it’s up to you to trust them and know that they want to be with you.
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    It’s difficult to generalize all relationships with exes. Some relationships with an ex may be healthy while others are not. Think about your partner’s personality: are they the flirty or secretive type, or are they someone who just likes to get along with people? Does your partner maintain friendships with several exes or just one in particular? Consider the personal variables regarding your partner and think about they affect you. [10]
    • If your partner has friendships with multiple exes, they may want to keep peace and enjoy friendships. Yet, if they single out one person and make frequent contact, this may alarm you more.
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    If you feel threatened or jealous of your partner’s ex, don’t start comparing yourself with them. There will always be someone more educated, funnier, attractive, or witty than you. Comparing yourself to someone else never ends with you feeling good about yourself, so skip it altogether. Don’t think about how their relationship could have been or what makes the ex better than you. Instead, avoid it.
    • Comparing yourself to others can affect your self-esteem and feelings of worth. You can always find something better about someone else than yourself, so don’t go looking.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward in the Relationship

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    Most people have a dating past and have kissed or liked others before they have liked you. Often, people learn and grow from their past and become better people. Accept that your partner has a past without holding it against them. Especially if your partner is on good terms with their ex, acknowledge that your partner ended a relationship on good terms and values their relationships. [11]
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    If your partner’s ex is a part of their life, then consider making them a part of yours, too. Especially if their ex has been in their life a while as a platonic friend, resist the urge to fight back. Instead, ask the ex if they’d like to join you for dinner one night or for a game night. This shows your ex that you’re willing to make an effort. [12]
    • If you know your partner highly values their friendship with their ex, consider making a move to get to know them, too.
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    Depending on where you both are at in your relationship, it may be beneficial to see a couples therapist. Relationships require work and effort to maintain. Even the healthiest of relationships may face challenges, especially if there are concerns with one partner’s friendship with an ex. [13]
    • Attending therapy sessions can help to make any concerns you may encounter manageable, decrease tension, build trust and acceptance, and assist with developing good relational habits and coping skills.
    • If both partners are willing to participate in couples counseling, be aware that it will definitely be a positive support for the health and longevity of your relationship.
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    If your partner has a child with an ex, they likely want to keep the peace at minimum. Recognize that your partner and their ex are raising a child and it’s in the child’s best interest for the parents to get along. While these kinds of relationships can invite jealousy, remind yourself that your partner being friends with their ex is likely what’s best for the child. [14]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Is it okay for your partner to be friends with their ex?
    Cristina Morara
    Dating Coach
    Cristina Morara is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, Relationship Expert, and the Founder of Stellar Hitch Private Matchmaking, a luxury matchmaking service based in Los Angeles that serves clients nationwide and internationally. As a former casting director, Cristina specializes in finding the perfect partner through her exclusive global network and detailed, warm approach. Cristina holds a BA in Communications and Psychology from Villanova University. Stellar Hitch has been featured in the Huffington Post, Chelsea Handler’s Netflix documentary, ABC News, the Tonight Show, Voyage LA, and the Celebrity Perspective.
    Cristina Morara
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Generally in health relationships based on trust and respect, yes. There needs to be clear boundaries and the friendship should never infringe on your relationship in any way. No secrets, or using the friendship as an emotional outlet or way to make you feel jealous. However, trust your gut. If something feels off, speak up quickly and directly.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/
      2. ↑ Cristina Morara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
      3. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/build-trust/
      4. ↑ Cristina Morara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
      5. ↑ Cristina Morara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-express-emotions-in-relationships
      7. ↑ Cristina Morara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/healthy-ways-to-deal-with-jealousy
      9. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_thinking_about_the_future_makes_life_more_meaningful
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-really-going-when-people-stay-in-touch-exes
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201911/how-accept-your-partners-flaws
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201610/7-reasons-you-might-stay-friends-your-ex
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/finding-a-therapist-who-can-help-you-heal.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/me-we/201710/4-relationship-sabotaging-beliefs-about-your-partner-s-ex

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