How to Hook Up With Your Ex (& When You Should Avoid It)

PDF download Download Article
Expert tips for hooking up without getting hurt
PDF download Download Article

Hooking up with an ex is risky behavior that can lead you to get hurt all over again, but it’s not without its perks. In some situations, hooking up with an ex can give you closure, or at least, a thrill. If you want to get your ex back, that’s another thing entirely, but if you want to know how to hook up with your ex-girlfriend, then we’re here to help! Keep reading to figure out how to proceed and whether you even should, with expert advice from dating and relationship coaches Amy Chan and Suzanna Mathews.

How to Hook Up with Your Ex-Girlfriend

Before you try to hook up with your ex-girlfriend, allow enough time to pass so both of you have healed post-breakup. Be clear about your intentions to keep the relationship strictly physical and make sure she's on the same page. Avoid being romantic in any way and leave if it starts feeling like a real relationship.

Section 1 of 5:

Before Hooking Up

PDF download Download Article
  1. If you want to start hooking up with your ex, wait until a few weeks or months have gone by before you reach out to them. According to relationship coach Amy Chan, the pain of heartbreak “usually fades over about six months to two years,” depending on the length of the relationship. [1] So, even if you had an amicable break-up and there are no hard feelings, it's best to let the dust settle before getting back in bed with your ex, or things are bound to get complicated.
    • Dating and relationship coach Suzanna Mathews emphasizes how important it is to wait until wounds begin to heal, calling the weeks following a breakup an “emotionally activated state” when “the brain dumps a bunch of chemicals in your system.” [2]
    • You’ll know that enough time has passed when you can see your ex as someone hot to hook up with, instead of letting old complicated feelings well up at the sight of her.
    • Make sure to get rid of any anger or lingering resentment toward her. An angry hook-up is not the answer to your problems.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Suzanna Mathews is a Dating and Relationship Coach with over a decade of experience.

    Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach with over 12 years of experience.

  2. Before you even touch your ex's lips with your own, make your intentions and expectations clear. Tell her you want to hook up without any strings attached, that you're not looking to get back into the relationship, and that you just want to have a little fun. Let her know that you only want to see her to hook up, not to do all the romantic stuff that leads to hooking up.
    • It's not cool to lead your ex on, hook up with her again, and then tell her that you're not really looking to reconnect romantically.
    • Though it sounds harsh, be honest, but tactful, about the fact that you strictly want to hook up.
    Advertisement
  3. It's very possible that you two won't be on the same page about this, at least initially. Often, at least one person will still be hurt and highly vulnerable after the breakup. It could be the case that she dumped you and you think you just want to hook up, but in your heart you know you want to get back together. Or maybe she's totally hung up on you while you feel emotionally detached from the situation. Discuss it honestly and confirm both of you are looking for the same thing, then you’ve got the green light to go for it. [3]
    • Look into her eyes when you talk about it. Does she really agree that it's a good idea, or does she clearly think it'll turn into something more?
    • Think about how serious the relationship was in the beginning. If you were only together for a month or two, hooking up might be easier than if you'd dated seriously for a year or two.
    4. Advertisement
Section 2 of 5:

Hooking Up with Your Ex

PDF download Download Article
  1. Being spontaneous can create an even bigger thrill for both of you. Call her or text her out of the blue and ask her to come over. If run into her at a club, a party, or just out in the middle of the day, turn your charm on and let her know that you want to hook up. [4]
    • If you call her or start checking in with her, then she may get the wrong impression and think you want something more than just hooking up.
    • Treat it like meeting a new and exciting girl out at a bar and then bring her home.
  2. Hooking up with your ex can be fun and exciting, but that doesn't mean you should do it every night, because guess what? That's starting to look like a relationship. If you're basically only hooking up with your ex, then you're not letting yourself meet other girls or have any fun on the side. The more time you spend together, the more likely you both are to be hurt, so keep it fun, spontaneous, and infrequent.
  3. No cuddling, no passionate kisses as you leave, and no hanging out around the house in sweatpants eating cold nachos from the night before. All of these signs show that you're too comfortable in the non-relationship and that you're on your way to dating again. [5]
  4. Maintain control of the situation at all times. Don't change the terms of your hook-up, and try to keep things at her place so you remain the master of your own domain. Don't cancel your plans to hang out with your buddies if she wants to hang out; tell her you'll hang out with her when you're free.
    • This doesn't mean you should tell your ex what to do. Just find a time and place that works for both of you without falling prey to her needs.
  5. Avoid hanging out with your ex in front of your friends, going to public places together, and telling your friends you've been hooking up with her again. The more people you bring into it, the more complicated things will get. Keep it simple and just between the two of you.
    • If you start going out in public with her and hanging out with her friends, they'll almost certainly disapprove and tell her so.
    • If you bring her out in front of your friends, then she'll start to feel like your girlfriend again.
  6. All of your Romeo-moves have to go out the door at this point, or she'll get the wrong picture. She'll think, "He said I'm beautiful. He must still love me," or "He ran his hands through my hair... it has to mean something." By including romance in the mix, you'll be leading her on and confusing her. [6]
    • You can tell her how hot she is and how much you love her body, but stick to the sexy compliments (rather than tender or emotional ones).
    7. Advertisement
Section 3 of 5:

How to Know When to Stop Hooking Up

PDF download Download Article
  1. Unfortunately, it can be tough to hook up with an ex without someone catching feelings agin. If that happens, end things as quickly and painlessly as possible, or risk the situation getting worse from there. If you start getting a pit in your stomach when she leaves, and you find yourself thinking about what went wrong and how things could be different this time—cut ties. It may hurt in the moment, but it’s for the best.
    • If your ex tells you she misses you, sends you sweet (not sexy) texts, or says she wishes you could do some couple-y things together, then it's time to bow out.
    • If you have to end the "relationship" for this reason, explain yourself first. You shouldn't be a jerk just because it's over.
    • Chan says “whenever you have sex, neurochemical changes occur in your brain that encourage limbic emotional bonding [...] Sex with the ex is prohibiting those bonds from breaking, keeping you more attached and addicted.” [7]
  2. If one of you starts developing feelings for someone else, even if you haven't pursued that person, you should cut your losses and get out. Exes typically hook up when they're bored and want to get a little action, usually because they have few romantic prospects at the time. But if one of you does start liking someone else, it's time to stop hooking up so there’s room to explore those feelings. [8]
    • If you know your ex has a crush on someone else, you're doing her a disservice by continuing to hook up with her and taking up her time.
    • Something else to consider: if you start liking another girl, she won't want anything to do with you if she knows that you're hooking up with an ex-girlfriend.
  3. As soon as you start fighting or bickering again, end the relationship. If you're not actually dating, then you shouldn't be fighting. If you hear her say things like, "Where is this taking us?" or "What does all of this mean?"—she might already be back in relationship mode, and your hook-up sessions have gone on too long.
    • It may be tempting to fight with your ex again if you're used to it, but remember that it won't lead you anywhere except back where you were— an unfulfilling relationship with no future.
  4. The whole point of hooking up with your ex is so that both of you can enjoy yourselves, get some sexual pleasure, and have fun without any strings attached. If you're not feeling the hook-up anymore, then it's time to start looking for someone new. You weren't having fun before, and that's why the relationship ended. Try to remember that.
    • Be honest about ending the hook-up session. Don't just start avoiding or ignoring your ex. Let her know it's time to move on.
  5. Hooking up with your ex should last a month or two at most before things start to get more serious. Hooking up with an ex has a time limit, because it creates a fragile dynamic that can easily lead to a second round of heartbreak. Even if you're both trying as hard as you can to keep things casual, having a consistent hook-up schedule and falling into a rhythm implies a routine, which can basically make it feel like you're dating again. It’s no longer fun, spontaneous, or raunchy—it’s predictable. If you know when you'll see your ex next, and you stop feeling a thrill at the prospect of hooking up, then pack it up—you’ve had a good run.
    6. Advertisement
Section 4 of 5:

Should I hook up with my ex?

PDF download Download Article
  1. Hooking up with an ex is usually not advisable. Although hooking up with an ex can seem tempting since you already know the person and have hooked up with them in the past during your relationship, doing it post-breakup can cause some issues. For one, hooking up with an ex can hinder your healing and stir up old emotions that you were likely trying to move on from. Additionally, being physically intimate with someone you were deeply romantically involved with can lead to more pain and heartbreak if the two of you aren’t on the same page and want to keep it casual. [9]
    • If both people agree to simply hook up with no strings attached, hooking up can be fun and thrilling for a short while.
    • However, if one person begins developing feelings for the other, it’s time to call it quits, as this is the surest way no one gets hurt—again.
Section 5 of 5:

Is it common for exes to hook up?

PDF download Download Article
  1. Yes, hooking up with an ex is more common than most people think. According to a survey conducted in 2023, 53% of single people reported hooking up with their exes. This can be due to a variety of reasons, ranging from boredom to comfort to sexual compatibility. Breakups are almost always painful and difficult to navigate, leaving 2 people who once shared true intimacy as strangers in the world. In order to cope with the shock of that loss, not dissimilar to grieving the death of a loved one, many people resume sexual relationships with their exes in order to feel close to them without the pressure or label of being in a relationship again. [10]
    • While this is relatively common, it’s still not necessarily recommended, as it’s very easy for signals to get mixed and for one or both people to get hurt.
    2. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Hook Up with a Girl Who Has a Boyfriend
      16 Ways to Tell If Your Ex Still Likes You (Even If They Say They Don’t)
      How to
      Regain an Estranged Ex's Friendship
      How to
      Have Sex without Falling in Love
      How to
      Hook Up with a Friend
      13 Ways to Not Catch Feelings
      How to
      Get Your Girlfriend Back After You Broke Up
      How to
      Stay Friends with Your Ex
      How to
      Avoid Catching Feelings for Your FWB
      How to
      Go Back to Being Friends After Hooking Up
      How to
      Set Boundaries for Being Friends with an Ex
      How to
      Make Your Ex Girlfriend Want You Again
      How to
      Hook Up with a Girl
      11 Important Reasons Why You Shouldn't Text Your Ex-Girlfriend
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ https://uk.askmen.com/dating/player/57_love_games.html
      4. ↑ https://medium.com/@bowenstewart/how-to-get-ex-back-into-your-bed-a3b67b997960
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-new-resilience/201005/the-differences-between-hook-sex-marital-sex-and-making-love
      6. ↑ https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/sex-with-your-ex
      7. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.complex.com/pop-culture/2012/09/10-reasons-why-you-shouldnt-hook-up-with-your-ex/one-or-both-of-you-is-dating-someone-else
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/valley-girl-with-a-brain/201810/should-you-hook-up-with-your-ex
      1. ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/heres-how-many-of-us-are-sleeping-with-an-ex-according-to-new-research_uk_63d28ff7e4b01a43638c5a39

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you want to hook up with your ex-girlfriend, approach her spontaneously. Try charming her at a party or letting her know when you happen to meet up during the day. It’s important to make your intentions clear, since you don’t want to give the impression you want to start a relationship again. Tell her that you’re just looking for a bit of fun, which will help avoid any hurt feelings afterward. Remember to keep your hook ups private, since people might start assuming you’re together if they see you hanging out again. Remember to limit your hook ups, since you’ll risk getting back into a relationship again if you’re both getting together too often. For tips on how to tell if continuing to hook up with your ex is a good idea, read on!

      Did this summary help you?
      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 423,489 times.

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement