How to Tell if a Guy’s a Player (& What to Do About It)

PDF download Download Article
Figure out a guy’s true intentions with these expert tips
PDF download Download Article

The guy you're talking to is flirtatious and charming, but is he a player? It can be hard to tell, but there are a few telltale signs that the guy you’re interested in isn't really open to a committed relationship. When these red flags come up, you would be wise to be wary! Below, we've compiled a comprehensive list of signs a guy is a player and what to do if he is, with insight from expert dating coaches. Keep reading to learn more!

How to Know if a Guy Is a Player

Players will typically try to get physical with you quickly and avoid forming a deep connection. Compare his words to his actions to see if he’s genuine, and pay attention to how he acts in private vs. public: a player may show you love when you're alone but be cold or distant in public.

Section 1 of 3:

Signs He’s a Player

PDF download Download Article
  1. Boys who are players typically aren’t going to be nervous, stammering types around a girl. They will seem almost too practiced, and they will flirt with you with ease because it’s a game to them, and they’ve done this before. For example:
    • They will usually have a rehearsed pickup line or a flirty joke. You may think he’s prince charming, but a player usually won’t get to know you before they try to impress you. As a result, their words may sound fake and artificial. [1]
    • They're often brimming with confidence around you and may say things that you want to hear. A player is typically extroverted and outgoing. He'll talk a lot and enjoy being the center of attention.
    • This isn't to say a guy who's genuinely interested in you will always be nervous, just that a player will likely not be stumbling over their words.
    • Warning Sign: If a guy just met you and is already talking like you’re an item, chances are he’s a player.
  2. At first, a guy who is a player will seem more interested in you than anyone has before. But as time progresses, he may cheat or leave you once he gets what he wants, which is typically physical intimacy and/or your affirmation. For example:
    • He'll try to get you to feel important by showering you with flattery . He may pretend that you share interests so that you'll be amazed how much you have in common.
    • Someone who’s genuinely interested in you will definitely throw in some flirty compliments every once in a while, but they will also make an effort to get to know you.
    • Dating and relationship coach Maya Diamond says to spot a player, look for a lack of genuineness and excessive compliments or touches. A player's behavior will likely not indicate that they want a real relationship with you.
    • Warning Sign: Be wary of “love bombing.” This is where he smothers you with praise, clings to everything you say, pampers you, and puts you on a pedestal. His flattery will likely focus primarily on your looks.
    Advertisement
  3. There are certain words that a player is likely to never say to you. Although he may be very talkative, he’s likely not going to say anything that suggests he wants a future with you. He may remain intentionally vague about seeing a future with you or avoid having deeper talks in general.
    • A player is unlikely to say “I love you.” They might say it to get what they want and not mean it, but generally speaking, a player won’t utter those words because he doesn’t want you to think this is long term. [2]
    • A guy who’s genuinely interested in you will usually be interested in talking about his future with you, where you want to live, and family plans, especially as you start to get serious. [3]
    • Diamond says a player is someone who doesn't really want a relationship. They may want sex and attention, but they’re usually not being honest about their intentions.
  4. If a guy is a player, he’s probably hurt a lot of people in the past. In order to throw you off the scent, he may try to project his behavior onto them. He may act like he was victimized by them to gain sympathy and get closer to you. [4]
    • If he does this repeatedly or about more than one person, start questioning whether the person engaging in bad behavior was actually him.
    • Pay attention to how other girls in his orbit treat you. Players tend to have lots of girls around them, especially ones who seem angry at them.
    • Warning Sign: He may trash talk his exes by calling them “psycho” or “crazy” and try to make you think that he was the victim and that the breakup was their fault.
  5. A guy who is a player likely isn’t going to be satisfied with just your attention. Instead, he may seek affirmation from many girls and in many corners. Sometimes, he’ll even do this when he is with you. [5]
    • He likes being in the spotlight and gets pleasure from female attention. He wants to “capture” as many girls as he can.
    • A guy who’s genuinely interested in you won’t flirt with other girls around you, as you’re the one he’s got his eye on.
    • Warning Sign: He will flirt with other girls by smiling, telling jokes, and initiating friendly conversation. If you confront him, he'll deny that he was flirting with other people.
  6. A guy who is a player is usually interested in physical contact with you right away. Since that’s often his central goal, he sees no reason to take it slow. He may be eager to cut to the chase and get what he’s really after.
    • He may not bother to develop emotional intimacy because all he wants is physical intimacy. He'll likely go for it faster than a guy who's truly interested in developing a longer term relationship with you.
    • Getting physically intimate with a guy quickly doesn't always mean he's a player, but if he doesn't seem interested in establishing a real connection with you, a physical relationship is likely all he's after. [6]
  7. A lot of people tend to focus on a boy’s words instead of paying attention to his actions. A player may act like it’s a chore to find time for you, but shower you with kind words when he’s around. His pretty words may be designed to flatter you by luring you into liking him. Focus on what he does, not just on what he says.
    • A guy who's actually into you will be consistently communicative and emotionally available, and he will make regular plans to meet up.
    • Alternatively, a player is more likely to text you (or even booty call) at the last minute, rather than commit to plans in advance. This is because he takes you for granted and doesn't want to be "tied down" by plans. [7]
  8. A player usually thinks he’s charming, and he plays it to the hilt. He’s a flirtatious, overly confident braggart. He thinks he’s all that, so he doesn’t try to pretend to be humble. He may put some extra oomph in his walk or make a lot of eye contact. For example:
    • A player may swagger or strut when he walks. He will sometimes smirk, as if he has a hidden secret.
    • A player will often touch other people a lot, but he'll avoid public displays of affection with you around other people. He'll only be affectionate in private.
    • A player typically uses a lot of direct eye contact.
  9. A player won’t be able to answer the phone right away all the time. There may be people he doesn’t want to know about you, and he might be with one of them at that time .Perhaps he’s with another girl. Perhaps he’s with guy friends. Perhaps he’s with family members. The key is that he doesn’t want them to know you’re calling.
    • A genuine guy may not be available to answer the phone right away, but they’ll typically have a reason and make an effort to return your call or text when they’re able.
    • Dating coach Courtney Quinlan says game playing is a sign that someone is a player. If they’re waiting hours to respond or are sketchy and evasive about their availability, that’s not a good sign.
    • Warning Sign: He screens his calls. He'll call you back, but he won't answer the phone right away. Similarly, if he doesn’t answer his phone when you’re with him, there may be another girl that he doesn’t want you to know about.
    • Warning Sign: The same goes for texting. If he takes forever to respond to a text, there could be a reason for it. He may be busy with someone else. He may also never let you see his texts.
  10. Boys who are players will often try to trigger impulsiveness in you because it usually works out to their advantage. They may want you to violate your boundaries on physical intimacy fast, and may take various measures to make sure that happens. For example:
    • He allows you to think that there’s an instant emotional connection, perhaps even saying that you're soulmates or sending you romantic songs. [8]
    • He’s trying to get you to cross your boundaries so that he can get what he is after, which is physical intimacy.
    • He'll lose interest in a girl who reasserts her boundaries, seems very cautious, and requires patience because he’s not really interested in a relationship.
  11. One of the best ways to sort out whether a guy is a player or not is to make him wait a significant time before getting physically intimate with you. If he’s a player, he’ll likely get annoyed and may even try to press your boundaries to get what he wants, or dump you. [9]
    • A guy who genuinely cares about you will respect your decision to get physical or to wait and won't pressure you into getting intimate before you're ready.
    • Not every guy who gets physically intimate early in a relationship is automatically a "player," and you don't need to wait to get intimate if you don't want to wait. Rather, consider his eagerness to get intimate alongside his other behaviors: if he seems genuinely interested in you, he's probably not a player. [10]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 250 wikiHow readers if they wait to be in an official relationship before having sex, 69% of them responded with yes . [Take Poll] So it’s completely fine for you to want to wait.
  12. A player will typically try to keep you hidden from his friends or loved ones. Alternatively, he may try to downplay your relationship to others so that he can keep playing the field and pursuing other girls. [11]
    • He may want to keep his options open with lots of girls, and if he tells people he has a girlfriend, other girls might stay away.
    • It’s important to see whether he tells other people about you, and whether he downplays the state of the relationship to them if he does.
    • Someone who’s genuinely interested in you will want to make you known to their friends and loved ones as your relationship progresses.
    • Warning Sign: He may act differently in private vs. public. Does he say things to you that indicate you’re exclusive, but acts distant to you around other people? If so, he may be a player.
  13. Other people around him, especially those who have known him longer, will have had time to see his patterns. How he acts, how he treats romantic interests, and whether he’s the type to commit are all things that his friends and loved ones could be keenly aware of.
    • If his friends don’t think highly of him, they may have observed his bad behavior.
    • Another bad sign is if his male friends are also known players.
    • Is he still connected to his ex in a way that goes beyond being platonic? [12] Do girls seem desperate around him or angry with him? If so, he may have played them.
  14. It’s good if a boy cares if he looks nice. Being well-groomed, smelling good, and having well-fitting clothes doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a player. But if he’s over the top with it and always shows himself off, there’s a greater chance that his intentions aren’t pure.
    • For example, a player may spend a lot of time working out and might brag about and show off his muscles. He tends to put a high premium on physical appearance.
    • This typically extends to how he dresses. He will likely be seen in nice clothes with flashy, expensive labels to show off.
    • His car may also be flashy. There’s usually nothing subtle about this guy. He tends to use his body, his clothes, and his car to draw girls.
  15. The way a guy presents himself on social media can give you a sense of whether he is a player or not. If he is a player, he will likely use social media to try to attract girls. If he doesn’t post you, refuses to show you his feed or direct messages, and tries to keep your presence unknown on his accounts, he may be playing you. [13]
    • Check his relationship status on social media. Players may often pretend that they're single online or hide their status.
    • Players often have lots of attractive girls on their friend list. Their comments will tend to be flirty in nature.
    • A player's photos and videos on social media might be designed to showcase his physical attractiveness. He won't seem to mind or discourage flirting.
    16. Advertisement
Section 2 of 3:

Why do people play games in relationships?

PDF download Download Article
  1. Some players have low self-esteem that stems from a deep insecurity, which can make them afraid to commit. Rather than confront their inner feelings and work on building their self-esteem, they tend to keep people at arm’s length to avoid rejection. [14]
    • They may also play games to seek validation and get reassurance.
  2. Some people prefer short-term, exciting flings over lasting, loving relationships. This is called ludus love, which is Latin for “playful love.” People with this love style tend to treat relationships like a sport or a game. Some may even be pick-up artists, which are people who attempt to court women through pickup lines and tactics. [15]
  3. Narcissists tend to treat their relationships like transactions. They may pursue you then suddenly slow down, make promises they can’t keep, and lie so that you continue chasing after them. They tend to do this because they want to get closer to you without having to commit. [16]
    • With a narcissist, the world revolves around them. They may say or do things that make you feel like they care, but it is in pursuit of their personal needs.
  4. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be afraid of getting intimate, which gets in the way of their ability to build meaningful relationships. They may dismiss you easily, have a hard time trusting you, and invest very little emotion into your relationship, which can make you feel like they’re playing games. [17]
    5. Advertisement
Section 3 of 3:

How to Deal with a Player

PDF download Download Article
  1. You may expect things to get serious, especially the more you get to know the player, but these expectations may set you up for disappointment. Players typically don’t get serious , so keep this in mind if you want to continue pursuing him. Don’t expect things to get deeper. [18]
  2. Boundaries are a great way to set clear expectations and ensure that you’re comfortable with what’s going on. If you want to continue things with a player, sit him down and let him know what you will and won’t allow in the relationship. [19]
    • For instance, if he flirts with other girls and it makes you uncomfortable, tell him, "I won't go out with you if you're going to flirt with other people." But realize a player may not respect your boundaries, and it's important that you enforce them or he's likely to continue disregarding them.
    • Remember, boundaries shift over the course of a relationship. If there’s something you were once comfortable with that you’d now rather avoid, and vice versa, let the person you’re with know.
  3. If you and the player have been talking for months and there seem to be no signs of the relationship progressing into something more serious, he may not be able or willing to commit to you. In that case, leave him. He likely won’t change his actions.
    4. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Search
Add New Question
  • Question
    What does it mean when a guy is a player?
    Maya Diamond, MA
    Relationship Coach
    Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 15 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.
    Maya Diamond, MA
    Relationship Coach
    Expert Answer
    A player is someone who doesn't really want a relationship, but they may be dishonest about their attentions because they want sex or attention. When you're dating, look out for a false myth, or a lack of sincerity in the way someone holds themselves. If you listen to your body, your intuition, and your heart, you can usually tell if someone is being genuine or not.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 6 Helpful 41
  • Question
    See if your boyfriend's friend tells you to 'die' and your boyfriend doesn't do anything but just laughs, what does this mean?
    Community Answer
    It means he's immature and cares more about looking cool to his friend than your hurt feelings. Not a good sign.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 5 Helpful 67
  • Question
    The guy I like likes me back but he is a player and has had 3 girlfriends since we found out we liked each other. He keeps flirting with my best friend, and I'm starting to wonder if he actually likes me. What do you think? He told me he didn't, but I'm starting to think otherwise.
    Community Answer
    Your answer is right in your comment. If he's flirting with your best friend and he has had three other girlfriends and told you he doesn't like you, then, minimally, he also likes other people. This guy will cause nothing but pain. The writing is on the wall. Look elsewhere.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 6 Helpful 78
See more answers
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Tips

      • Notice if he stares at girls when you're around. This means that he may not be listening to you or caring too much about the conversation.
        Thanks
        Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
      • If your family members or friends hate him, there's probably a good reason.
        Thanks
        Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • Watch out for people who only talk about sex with you. If they don’t pay attention to your other conversations, they may be a player.
      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
      Advertisement

      Video

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Act Around a Guy You Like
      How to
      Know if a Guy Likes You
      What to Do When Your Boyfriend Has a Girl Best Friend
      How to
      Tell if He Really Loves You
      How to
      Know when a Girl Is Using You
      How to
      Tell if a Guy Is Playing With Your Feelings
      How to
      Choose Between Two Girls
      How to
      Stop Jealousy in a Relationship
      How to
      Date Multiple Women at Once
      How to
      Know if You Are Ready for a Relationship
      How to
      Have a Casual Relationship
      Commitment in Relationships: What Does It Mean?
      How to
      Make a Girl Who Is Really Mad at You Forgive You
      How to
      Spot a Gold Digger
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-spot-manipulation
      2. ↑ http://www.askmen.com/dating/player_250/275_5-things-a-player-would-never-say.html
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201904/7-signs-fear-commitment-relationship
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-with-a-brain/201109/6-signs-that-someones-just-not-that-into-you
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202212/how-flirting-can-harm-a-committed-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/strictly-casual/201501/does-wanting-casual-sex-really-mean-not-wanting-love
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201904/7-signs-fear-commitment-relationship
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202408/4-ways-to-tell-if-your-relationship-is-moving-too-fast
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201706/three-quick-ways-tell-it-is-love-and-not-just-lust
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/strictly-casual/201501/does-wanting-casual-sex-really-mean-not-wanting-love
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-with-a-brain/201109/6-signs-that-someones-just-not-that-into-you
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-with-a-brain/201109/6-signs-that-someones-just-not-that-into-you
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-with-a-brain/201109/6-signs-that-someones-just-not-that-into-you
      5. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22570-gamophobia-fear-of-commitment
      6. ↑ https://library.fvtc.edu/GenderEducation/LoveTypes
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201901/why-narcissists-play-games-your-heart
      8. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/25170-attachment-styles
      9. ↑ https://thefemalebrief.com/expecting-less-of-others-the-secret-to-a-healthy-relationship/
      10. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If the boy you love is a player, there should be red flags to watch out for, like moving fast and flirting with other girls. It’s great for a boy to compliment you, but if he’s always flattering you and telling you how perfect you are, be careful. Players will try to make you feel really special without taking the time to get to know you. If he wants to get physical with you right away, he’s probably a player. If a boy really likes you, he’ll wait until you’re comfortable. A player will also be flirty with lots of other girls to keep his options open. If he avoids you around other people or tries to keep your relationship a secret, it might be because he’s trying to play the field. For more tips from our Relationship co-author, including how to tell if a boy is a player by his social media accounts, read on!

      Did this summary help you?
      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 303,747 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Anonymous

        Nov 1, 2017

        "This article was amazing, the best article I have seen to date."
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement