How to Support Your Avoidant Partner & Improve Your Communication

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Help your partner feel secure and safe in your relationship
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When you’re in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, making them feel safe is the best way to get them to open up. People with this attachment style often shy away from emotions or shut down during difficult conversations. By making your partner feel safe, accepted, and supported, you can get closer to each other and create a loving, fulfilling partnership. We spoke to licensed counselor Casey Lee and clinical psychologist Liana Georgoulis to bring you the best advice on how to deal with and support a partner with an avoidant attachment style.

How to Support an Avoidant Partner

To make an avoidant partner feel safe, be honest and dependable. Be patient with them and try to understand where they’re coming from and how they feel. Give them space when they need it, and make time to do fun things, both together and separately, so you can each maintain your independence.

1

Accept your partner for who they are.

  1. When an avoidant person feels like they “aren’t enough,” they tend to withdraw, which can damage your relationship. You can absolutely encourage your partner to seek help and better themselves, but accept them for who they are right now, too. That way, neither of you will have any hurt feelings. [1]
    • It’s important to respect your differences, too. Your partner may do or say things that you don’t understand, and that’s okay. The important thing is that you both respect each other without judgment.
    • Lee explains that you can make a big impact by validating and understanding their avoidant behavior. Give them plenty of space, slow down, and affirm what they are trying to do. [2]
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2

Listen to your partner’s problems.

  1. The more you can listen to your partner and reassure them that they’re valid, the more safe and comfortable they will feel with you. Check in with your partner often, and listen to their problems whenever you can. Over time, they’ll feel better and better about coming to you with issues instead of burying them down deep. [3]
    • When your partner is talking, practice active listening by making eye contact and asking follow-up questions.
    • Lee emphasizes that those with an avoidant attachment style often “use avoidance as a strategy to protect the relationship. In their mind, if they don’t pull away, they’re afraid things can get worse.” Look underneath this and show you care by deeply listening. [4]
3

Be dependable.

  1. By showing your partner you’re reliable and dependable, they’re much more likely to trust you. Make sure that you always keep your word, and be 100% honest with your partner. Over time, their trust in you will grow, and your relationship will get that much stronger. [5]
    • When you make plans, always stick to them.
    • Try not to be late.
    • Don’t talk about your partner behind their back.
    • Be honest about where you are and who you’re with.
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4

Be honest about your needs.

  1. People with avoidant attachment styles sometimes struggle to meet their partner’s emotional needs, which can make them feel stressed. Be upfront about what you need in a relationship to avoid miscommunication and make your partner feel better. [6] Say something like:
    • “In order for me to feel secure in our relationship, I’d really like it if we saw each other at least 3 times a week. How does that sound to you?”
    • “I really like it when we text each other throughout the day. Do you think you could text me at least a few times a day, just to let me know what you’re up to?”
    EXPERT TIP

    Leslie Bosch, PhD

    Developmental Psychologist
    Dr. Leslie Bosch is a Developmental Psychologist, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and Owner of Bosch Integrative Wellness. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in providing stress relief coaching services to individuals and groups using a variety of scientifically proven methods for change including motivational interviewing, positive psychology, self-compassion, non-violent communication, social learning theory, and self-determination theory. Dr. Bosch received training from the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and earned a PhD in Human Development and Family Studies from The University of Arizona. She is also a member of the National Board of Health and Wellness Coaching Association. Dr. Bosch has published many papers and been featured in the media numerous times.
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Developmental Psychologist

    It can be easy for people with an avoidant attachment style to feel emotionally burdened. They try to minimize and avoid their own emotions, which can feel overwhelming if they feel like they’re the “glue” of the relationship. Take a step back and ensure everyone’s emotions are being heard.

5

Ask them about their needs.

  1. If you ask your partner about what they need from you, they’re much more likely to tell you. Try to check in with your partner often to see how they’re doing and make space for them to bring up any issues they might have, too. Try starting the conversation with: [7]
    • “How are you feeling about our relationship?”
    • “Is there anything you wanted to bring up with me?”
    • “Are your emotional needs being met in this relationship?”
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6

Give them space when they need it.

  1. Don't take it personally if your partner asks for some space or wants to be alone. As Lee explains, those with an avoidant attachment style “often use avoidance as a protective strategy.” [8] Alone time gives them space to unwind and process their emotions. So, do your best to respect their need to be alone, and welcome them with open arms when they’re ready to talk again. [9]
    • If you notice your partner looks distressed or anxious, try asking, “Do you need some alone time?” That way, they’ll know that you understand their needs, and they can tell you what they need at the moment.
    • Lee advises having empathy and working with your partner rather than against them. In their mind, they’re afraid things can get worse and escalate if they don’t pull away or shut down. Show them that’s not the case by being supportive and understanding. [10]
7

Express your emotions in a neutral tone.

  1. If you’re telling your partner how you feel, do it in a calm, neutral tone of voice. Avoid raising your voice or getting too upset. Instead, stay level-headed. They’ll be more receptive to a steady and calm voice, which can make it easier to have a productive conversation. [11] Here are some examples of how you can express your emotions calmly:
    • “I felt a little bit frustrated earlier when I couldn't get ahold of you. It makes me worried when I don’t know where you are.”
    • “I was upset when you canceled our plans yesterday. Could we talk?”
    • Georgoulis explains that your partner’s avoidance is likely due to biological vulnerabilities and past painful experiences that created uncomfortable emotions. [12] Because of this, it’s important to do your best not to trigger these memories, even in an argument.
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8

Praise your partner’s positive behavior.

  1. When your partner does something nice for you or is vulnerable, thank them for being open and point out what they did well. Positive reinforcement goes a long way, and with time, they’ll learn that their actions are making you happy. [13]
    • “Thanks for opening up to me. I know it wasn’t easy for you, and I really value your trust.”
    • “I’m so happy you came to dinner with me. I love spending time with you.”
    • “Thank you for telling me how you feel. I’m glad we’re able to talk to each other.”
9

Try a fun activity together.

  1. If you feel like you and your partner need to connect more, do it in a fun, casual way by trying something new together . When you try something new at the same time, you create shared memories and experiences that make you feel closer to each other emotionally. [14] You could try:
    • Signing up for a couple’s cooking class
    • Joining an art club
    • Going zip lining
    • Forming a book club
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10

Enjoy life outside of your partner.

  1. When a person with an avoidant attachment style feels like their partner’s life revolves around them, they tend to pull away. Show your partner that you’re independent by hanging out with friends and keeping up with your hobbies outside of the relationship. [15]
    • Plus, this is a great way to give your partner space and alone time without taking anything away from the relationship.
11

Tailor your approach to their specific avoidant attachment style.

  1. Typically, someone with an avoidant attachment style is independent, but almost to a fault. They will take care of themselves and have trouble letting other people in. If your partner has an avoidant attachment style, they might be uncomfortable talking about emotions and have trouble meeting your needs. [16] There are 2 different types of avoidant attachment styles:
    • Dismissive-avoidant: This is the more common type of avoidant attachment style. They tend to push everyone away and rely only on themselves. Someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style probably doesn’t have many close friendships or relationships.
    • Fearful/anxious-avoidant: This is the rarer type of avoidant attachment style. They tend to push people away, then pull them back in for fear of losing them. They might have a few close friendships and relationships that they often struggle with.
    • Not sure what your partner’s attachment style is? Have them take our “Attachment Style Quiz” to find out!
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12

Encourage your partner to go to therapy.

  1. If your partner’s attachment style stems from trauma, going to a therapist can help them learn to deal with their attachment style and come up with healthy coping mechanisms. Plus, they can learn how to best meet your needs and their own needs in the relationship. [17]
    • If your partner doesn’t want to go to therapy on their own, suggest couples counseling instead. This way, you can both talk to a professional and focus on your relationship.

How Can You Support a Partner With an Avoidant Attachment Style?


Join the Discussion...

What's it like being in a relationship with someone with avoidant attachment?
WikiDesertCaster243
WikiDesertCaster243
My partner and I have started to take our relationship a bit more seriously recently and it's been going well. Recently, my partner's therapist told them that they have an avoidant attachment style, and they asked if I noticed any of the traits. This honestly was the first time I've heard of it at all, so I wasn't sure. Is it good? Bad? What should I be looking out for in our relationship?
wikiHow Editorial Team
People with an avoidant attachment style may be very independent, feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, and have trouble communicating about feelings and being vulnerable.

To best support your partner, show them compassion and understanding, and give them space when they need it. Encourage them to open up by being vulnerable yourself, and validating their feelings when they do share them.

Don't forget to take care of yourself and make sure your own needs are being met. It can help to learn more about your own attachment style, too. If you're not sure what it is, try taking our Attachment Style Quiz .
Leslie Bosch, PhD
Developmental Psychologist
People with an avoidant attachment style are trying to minimize their own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. So they are not really all that dialed in to understand emotions. And a lot of this, of course, comes from the modeling they got from how they were raised, so it's not really something that they did on purpose. It's kind of what they saw their parents doing, and so they thought that's probably what they should do as well.

When you have a fearful avoidant style, their thoughts may be "I'm not capable," "Others aren't dependable," and "The world is a hazardous place." So people can struggle to know where to go to get support when they need it.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/documents/InPress_ArriagaKumashiroFinkelVanderdriftLuchies.pdf
      2. ↑ Casey Lee. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Expert Interview. 20 June 2022.
      3. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style
      4. ↑ Casey Lee. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Expert Interview. 20 June 2022.
      5. ↑ https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/documents/InPress_ArriagaKumashiroFinkelVanderdriftLuchies.pdf
      6. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201904/do-you-or-your-partner-have-avoidant-attachment-pattern
      8. ↑ Casey Lee. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Expert Interview. 20 June 2022.
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
      1. ↑ Casey Lee. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Expert Interview. 20 June 2022.
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
      3. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201904/do-you-or-your-partner-have-avoidant-attachment-pattern
      5. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm

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