18 Common Signs of Intimacy in a Relationship

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Find out why intimacy is so integral to a healthy relationship, and how you can improve your connection with your partner
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Whether you’ve just started seeing someone or you’ve been going out for a while, you might wonder how intimate your relationship is: have you and your partner reached soulmate status, or are things still a bit surface-level? Intimacy is all about how physically and emotionally close you are with someone in a relationship—but it'll look different from relationship to relationship and person to person. We've compiled a list of the classic staples of an intimate partnership: if you experience any of the following, it’s a sign you’re developing a deep connection, or that you have one already! Check out our list of signs of intimacy in a relationship, plus tips for improving intimacy with your partner.

This article is based on an interview with our holistic love coach and intuitive healer, Kate Dreyfus, owner of Evolve & Empower. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Couples who are intimate may flirt and have great chemistry, but they also trust and rely on one another and work together as a team.
  • Physical intimacy can be just as important as emotional intimacy. Many couples need both in order to thrive.
  • Physical intimacy may involve sex, cuddling, or hand-holding, while emotional intimacy involves being in tune with one another and sharing feelings honestly and safely.
  • Cultivate greater intimacy by working to make your relationship “new” again and by checking in with your partner to show you care and to learn more about them.
Section 1 of 3:

Signs of Intimacy in a Relationship

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  1. Real intimacy means being able to open up to your partner . In a less intimate relationship, you and your partner might keep your conversations surface-level so as to avoid getting too deep or raw. But in a really close relationship, you can share the good and the bad, the light and the heavy, and your partner is there to listen and to accept you, warts and all.
    • This sort of intimacy is rarely immediate, but comes after you’ve learned to trust one another and begun to share your tender, vulnerable sides.
  2. Having good communication is super important for any healthy relationship. Good communication involves checking in with your partner about your day or your emotions, asking them how they’re doing, and knowing how to approach a disagreement respectfully and calmly. On the lighter end of things, it also means sending a good morning text to your partner for them to see when they wake up, or engaging in pillow talk after you’ve had a romp in the hay. [1]
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  3. Being intimate means not only that you feel comfortable expressing boundaries to your partner, but that they will respect those boundaries. If your partner is able to hear your boundaries and adhere to them, it’s a sign they are invested in both you and the health of your relationship. [2]
  4. Not shying away from hard conversations will help you and your partner grow closer. Raw honesty in a relationship means being able to tell your significant other how you feel, what you’re thinking, and what you need—even if they may not want to hear it. And it goes both ways: if you’re able to hear your partner express uncomfortable truths without shutting them down or negatively reacting, you’re on your way to a close, intimate relationship. [3]
    • Raw honesty might mean telling your partner something they said hurt your feelings, or that you can’t financially swing something they really want you both to do. Being radically honest can be embarrassing or uncomfortable, but it’s worth it for the closeness it’ll cultivate—and it’ll get easier over time!
    • Radical honesty doesn’t mean saying whatever you want, however you want: you and your partner must both try to employ tact , compassion , and empathy when expressing yourselves and when listening to one another.
  5. When you and your partner talk, is it like you’re from the same distant planet, and only you 2 understand what the other is saying? Being intimate with your partner means you’re both so in tune with one another it’s like you share the same foreign language. Or maybe you bypass language altogether and feel like you can read each other’s minds sometimes!
    • In some cases, being in sync with your partner is more than just hyperbole: research shows the hearts of couples who are in tune with one another may actually sync up! [4]
  6. There’s a reason you’re called “partners”: you work together as a team, solving problems as a united front rather than as separate parts. When you face a problem, you both tackle it as a unit, turning to one another for support and encouragement rather than getting stressed by the circumstances and lashing out at one another. [5]
    • This includes problems that affect the relationship as well as problems that only affect one of you: if you’re in an intimate relationship, when you’re struggling with something, you can turn to your partner for encouragement and aid, not shame or scorn.
  7. Does your partner just…get you? Sometimes, you meet the right person and you both just click, and sometimes, you develop a deep understanding of your partner after many hours spent in each other’s company. If you feel like your partner understands you on a level you haven’t experienced with many other people, that’s a sign of true closeness and intimacy. [6]
  8. Once you’ve been together for a while, prioritizing the relationship can fall on the back burner to make way for other responsibilities and distractions. If you and your partner continue to put one another above other obligations and people even after you’ve been together for a while, your relationship is likely pretty close and intimate. [7]
  9. Shared experiences are the lifeblood of close relationships. Everyone needs independence, even in the healthiest of partnerships. But if you and your significant other are intimate, you’ll enjoy spending time together and sharing experiences, from the exciting (say, skydiving) to the more mundane (say, trying out that vegetable lasagna recipe someone posted on Instagram).
  10. From cuddling to pet names, nonsexual intimacy is a relationship cornerstone. Nonsexual intimacy means that the signs of affection aren’t just limited to sex, but are a part of your everyday life together. Maybe you and your partner hold hands in the store, tickle each other during TV time, or call each other “Pookie.” Nonsexual intimacy looks different for different people, but it’s important in order for a relationship to thrive.
  11. Nonsexual intimacy is important, but sexual intimacy is also important for a lot of couples. Your relationship could be healthy in every other way, but if you’re not happy in the bedroom, you might be at risk of losing some of the magic. For couples who have sex, this might mean that you have great communication between the sheets, or maybe you both feel totally empowered to try new things together.
    • For many couples though, sex isn't really that important, or maybe it's not important at all! That doesn't mean that you two lack intimacy.
  12. Healthy couples have social lives outside of their relationship, but many people in intimate relationships consider their partner to be their best friend of all. And why shouldn’t they be? They’re the person you spend the most time with, the person you talk to the most, the person you’re building a life with, and the person who sees you at your best and your worst. If that’s not a BFF, what is it? [8]
  13. OK, rom-coms have led us astray in a lot of ways, but one thing they get right is the importance of a good kiss . Whether you’ve just begun your relationship or you’re celebrating your 20th anniversary, regular smooching can help increase your closeness and attraction to one another. [9]
    • Kissing not only strengthens your connection, it can also boost your mood and lower your cholesterol!
  14. Whether you’ve been together a week or a decade, intimacy means always being curious about your partner. Even if you’ve heard all their most exciting stories a billion times, there’s always something more to learn about them!
    • Curiosity means going beyond "How was your day, honey?" and asking more specific or even personal questions to indicate you care and are paying attention, like "What book are you reading? Why do you like it?" or "How did that big meeting go? You said you were nervous about it!"
  15. In a burgeoning relationship, flirting is pretty common, but when you’ve been together for a little while, it’s easy to tone down the compliments and seductive glances, or to forget about them completely. But flirting is essential to the health of any relationship, whether it’s 2 days old, 2 years old, or 2 decades old! If you and your significant other engage in regular flirtation, it’s a great sign. [10]
    • Flirting might include pet names, tickling, teasing, playing with one another’s hair—it really runs the gambit!
  16. Contrary to what rom-coms tell us, desperate dependence on your partner isn’t actually a good sign! In a relationship that isn’t interdependent, one or both parties might be neglectful of their partner, or they might be overly possessive or jealous of their partner. In an interdependent relationship, both partners care for and expect commitment from one another, but they live their own lives and don’t rely on each other for their happiness.
    • In an interdependent relationship, both parties straddle the line between being together too much and losing their independent senses of self, and spending too much time apart and becoming isolated from one another. [11]
  17. You might have close friends whom you love chatting with about anything and everything under the sun. But in an intimate relationship, your partner is often the first person you want to talk to about your day or that interesting article you read or the latest workplace hot goss.
  18. If you and your partner put your phones down when you’re hanging out, that’s a sign you’re dedicated. We’re being slightly facetious, but seriously: not being tempted to distract yourself with fancy gadgets or other people when you’re around your partner is a sign you’re devoted to one another and your bond. [12]
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Section 2 of 3:

How to Increase Intimacy

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  1. If you feel distant from your partner—either because you’ve grown apart or, maybe, you just don’t know how to overcome the hurdle of developing a close relationship—you can improve your intimacy by taking intentional steps to encourage vulnerability. It might be as simple as you opening the door to a difficult or intimate conversation, and inviting your partner to walk through it.
    • If you or your partner is a man, they may have trouble feeling safe to be intimate , and may need a bit more coaxing to open up.
    • You can initiate a conversation by volunteering information about your own life and giving them space to reciprocate. For instance, if you want to learn more about their childhood, you might say, “You know, my favorite memory from when I was a kid was visiting my grandmother in the country every summer.”
    • Getting deeper doesn’t always have to be scary: if you usually ask your partner how their day was, take it a step further by asking how their big meeting went, if they tried the new Thai restaurant for lunch, or if they read anything interesting in the news.
  2. You can increase intimacy by making the relationship “new” again. If you’re struggling to get out of a same-old-same-old rut with your partner, taking intentional steps to spice things up can help you grow closer together. You can make the relationship exciting again by kicking your sex life up a notch, going on adventurous dates, or just making an effort to become more curious about your partner.
    • A fun way to learn more about your partner is playing get-to-know-you games, like Would You Rather? or Never Have I Ever.
    • It’s common for couples’ sex lives to become lackluster after the “honeymoon” stage, but you can spice up your sex life by planning a romantic night away with your partner, or exchanging sexual fantasies with them and seeing if you can put them into action.
    • If you and your partner feel like you’ve fallen into a rut and are doing the same-old-same-old every day, try incorporating a weekly or monthly try-something-new date into your routine! This can be a chance for you to get out of your rut by taking art classes, traveling, or just trying a new restaurant together.
  3. Keeping an open mind is essential when it comes to intellectual intimacy—and curiosity is an extension of that. Whenever you and your partner take part in a new discussion, make intentional efforts to see things from their point of view. It can also help to treat each conversation as an opportunity to learn from your partner (and vice versa). [13]
    • Statements like "I'd love to hear your perspective on this" or "I've never thought of it that way—could you go into more detail?" are great ways to build intellectual intimacy during a conversation.
  4. What spiritual beliefs does your partner have, and why do they have them? Understanding the answers to these questions can go a long way in deepening your emotional intimacy with someone. Take some time to sit down with your significant other and discuss their core spiritual beliefs—as well as your own—so you can better understand one another and the way you each see the world. [14]
    • "I know we don't talk about it much, but I'd really love to hear more about your spiritual beliefs."
    • "I'd really like to sit down sometime and learn more about your spiritual perspective on things."
  5. Experiential intimacy revolves around the closeness you feel when doing enjoyable things together. So, the first step is finding and participating in activities that could bond over, like: [15]
    • Hobby classes
    • Hikes
    • Weekend trips
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Section 3 of 3:

What is intimacy?

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  1. Physical intimacy may include sexual connectedness as well as physical displays of affection, like PDA or cuddling. Emotional intimacy may include emotional vulnerability and openness. Many couples need regular physical and emotional intimacy to feel fulfilled in their relationship, but exact needs vary depending on the couple. Other types of intimacy include:
    • Intellectual intimacy: A sense of closeness, openness, safety, and mutual respect when it comes to discussing different opinions and beliefs
    • Spiritual intimacy: A sense of connection, validation, and security when it comes to discussing spirituality [16]
    • Experiential intimacy: A sense of closeness, connection, and unity in doing enjoyable activities together [25]

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/patient-zero/202110/how-effectively-communicate-others
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/202207/why-is-honesty-so-important-in-relationship
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-lies-and-conflict/202105/why-couples-often-start-look-and-sound-alike
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/relationships-intimate-and-more/201602/collaboration-its-not-what-you-think
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201706/feeling-understood-even-more-important-feeling-loved
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201409/9-tips-making-your-relationship-priority
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-relationships/202005/should-my-partner-be-my-best-friend
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/adventures-in-dating/201403/the-surprising-benefits-kissing
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/myths-desire/201909/without-flirting-it-wouldnt-be-marriage
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202210/creating-healthy-interdependence-in-your-relationship
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-intimately/201105/attention-is-the-most-basic-form-love-2
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/nourishing-the-different-types-of-intimacy-in-your-relationship#mental-intimacy
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/nourishing-the-different-types-of-intimacy-in-your-relationship#spiritual-intimacy
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/intimacy-definition-types-tips#types-of-intimacy
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/nourishing-the-different-types-of-intimacy-in-your-relationship
      8. ↑ goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/intimacy

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