How to Stop Being Mean: Understanding & Changing Your Ways

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Learn to communicate better and be kinder to everyone
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Maybe you’ve found yourself being extra irritable lately and lashing out at those closest to you. While being a little cranky once in a while might be justifiable, being mean to other people is not. If you don’t like being mean to others and you want to change your behavior, good for you! While it might seem daunting, it’s totally doable! Keep reading to learn how to change your thoughts, feelings, and actions to make yourself a nicer person, with helpful insights from psychology experts.

How to Stop Being Mean to People

According to certified AEDP psychotherapist & emotions instructor Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, it's all about stopping and identifying the underlying emotion of your meanness. Identify the emotion, whether it's anxiety, fear, or being overwhelmed, and investigate it. Write down your feelings, either in a journal or in a letter to the person irritating you.

Section 1 of 4:

How to Stop Being Mean

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  1. Communication is not all about words. Your words can be completely polite, while your body language or actions are communicating negativity to others. Negative feelings towards others may be present in your body and send a signal to others that you are unpleasant.
    • To have more neutral body language, you may want to try using progressive muscle relaxation—a process by which you tense and then release all of the muscles in your body. This can remove negativity or stress from your body as well as your mind.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Mary Church, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Honolulu, Hawaii with over a decade of clinical experience.

    Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 15 years of experience.

    Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW is a Certified Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) Psychotherapist and Emotions Educator with almost 20 years of experience.

    Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 12 years of psychological consulting experience.

  2. Smiling at people can make you seem nicer. People will likely smile back at you, and you may find that you cultivate friendships more easily. Smiling can also help you feel happier. Acting happy with good posture and a big smile can actually boost your mood; your thoughts and feelings respond to the action of smiling. [1]
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  3. Rather than expressing yourself passively (being angry without saying anything) or aggressively (exploding in a way that may seem disproportionate to the situation), try assertive communication. To practice assertive expression, use the facts involved (not exaggerated by emotion) to communicate requests (rather than demands) of others in a respectful way. Communicate clearly and express your feelings effectively so that everyone’s needs are met. [2]
    • For example, instead of yelling at your spouse for not folding your laundry the way you like, try an assertive expression instead. You might say, “I appreciate your helping me by doing laundry, but I feel unprofessional while wearing wrinkled pants at work. I would appreciate it if you'd fold them more carefully, or let me wash and fold my own laundry.”
    • Don't be nice as a means to an end. If you just want to be nice so that you can gain preferential treatment, that’s not exactly a step in the right direction. Be nice because you want to look back on your life and know that you were a nice person, no matter what.
    • Really think about what you want to say. Don't say the first thing that you think, as it won't help your situation.
    EXPERT TIP

    Chloe Carmichael, PhD

    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over 12 years of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self-esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York, and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
    Chloe Carmichael, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist

    If you don't feel quite ready to express yourself without getting upset at the other person, try taking a hot or cold shower or doing a deep breathing exercise to ground yourself and get into a calmer, more rational headspace.

  4. Empathy can help you make kindness towards others a priority. Empathy can take the form of understanding another’s perspective, feeling distress at the plight of another person, and being able to relate to the emotions of another. Whichever approach you take, be sure that you focus on understanding and relating to the people that you are speaking to. Licensed clinical psychologist Mary Church, PhD, shares that empathy is a “biological capability,” although some people possess more than others. [3] [4]
    • Dr. Church provides further insights on the relationship between anger and empathy: “Anger disallows empathy. And then when people are empathic, it absolutely disallows anger.” [5]
    • Dr. Church cites emotional regulation as an integral part of arriving at empathy: “One of the ways that you’re able to understand the perspective of another is partly getting better control or being able to regulate those tendencies that some people have towards anger.” [6]
    • Before doing anything, ask yourself: "Will this thought/action/comment make the world a better place for me, or anyone else?" If not, don't do it.
  5. Find someone whose words and actions inspire you and imagine how she would act or what she would say in a given situation. Then try to emulate that type of communication yourself. This can be a parent, relative, community leader, or well-known advocate. Visualize how they would respond in any given situation and try your best to channel the same empathetic and articulate energy. [7]
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Section 2 of 4:

Why am I mean to people?

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  1. Many people are mean to others in order to feel better about themselves, but this approach may not really be effective. You might lash out at someone, feel better in the moment, but then feel bad about yourself later for lashing out, leading to more negative self-talk. You may also be unable to handle your own negative emotions, so you lash out at others, or your ego feels threatened, so you are mean as a form of defense. Low self-esteem can manifest other ways, too: [8]
    • You envy someone else’s life or accomplishments, so you want to hurt them. [9]
    • You are projecting your own negative feelings about yourself on someone else.
    • You are trying to make yourself feel unique and distinct from other people by distinguishing differences between you in a mean way.
  2. Triggers may include specific people, places, or events, resulting in uncalled-for meanness as a form of self-defense. Clinical psychologist Chloe Carmichael, PhD advises that you truly investigate your emotions: “It's an ironic thing, but when we try to stifle emotions, they oftentimes just get louder. They often feel like they have to make themselves more intense.” [10] Instead of trying to get rid of them, she suggests considering the context and what’s really pushing your emotional buttons. [11]
    • Dr. Carmichael shares, “For example, if you notice that you're just feeling really irritable with your partner, your spouse, or your friend, instead of just telling yourself not to be irritable, ask yourself, why am I irritable?” [12]
    • Try writing in a daily journal about the things that caused you to treat others meanly that day, whether that be your local barista or your mother. Identifying your triggers gives you the opportunity to work towards improving in those situations.
  3. 3
    Your current circumstances are negatively affecting you. According to Dr. Carmichael, you should also ask yourself if your meanness and irritability may be circumstantial: “Have you had a really bad day at work, or are you feeling upset about a breakup that you just went through?” [13] She notes that hunger and lack of sleep can also contribute to irritability . As soon as you figure it out, you’ll be able to “narrate your experience,” letting others know why you’re behaving the way you are. [14] This isn’t meant to justify your behavior, but simply to clue others in so they don’t feel attacked.
  4. 4
    Being mean may be a learned behavior for you. If you grew up in an explosive household where your parents or guardians treated each other meanly, your meanness may be a learned behavior. Children are impressionable, so being raised by parents who regularly engaged in screaming matches, slammed doors, or spoke poorly to and of one another, these negative forms of communication may have affected you more than you could have ever imagined. Perhaps your parents even pitted you and your siblings against each other, not only encouraging meanness but creating a correlation between meanness and superiority. [16]
    • Think about your childhood and upbringing. Consider the following: What stands out the most? How would you describe your home environment? What are the first 3 words that come to mind when you think about how your parents treated others?
    • If your meanness is indeed a learned behavior, determining exactly where, when, and how it began can help you diffuse it moving forward.
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Section 3 of 4:

How to Master Your Emotions

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  1. It can be difficult to determine what is a thought and what is a feeling. In fact, the two interrelate: your thoughts affect your feelings. Your feelings, in turn, affect your actions, so if you want to change your actions (or words), start by changing your thoughts. Dr. Carmichael says, “You could get irritable with yourself for being irritable, or if you're feeling tearful, then you start spiraling into sadness about the fact that you're tearful. It's best just to stop and name the issue and then start becoming curious about why.” [17]
    • For example, if you think, “This guy is an idiot!” you may feel frustrated talking to him, and that will come across in your words and actions. If, however, you think, “This person needs to learn more about the topic,” you might be more inclined to teach him, and your increased patience will come through your words.
    • Remember that even when you feel that you cannot control your thoughts or feelings, you can always choose how to act. Each time you speak or act, you are making a choice about what words and actions you use.
    • Tell yourself constantly that you're a nice person so that your mind begins to accept that you are. Change your behavior accordingly to fit these new standards. Thinking you're one of the "good people" instead of a "bad person" can really make a difference to how you act. Your mind will react positively.
  2. If you are speaking to someone and feel as though you are about to be mean to them, give yourself time to think before you respond. You’re more likely to give the person a productive response (and less likely to be mean) if you allow yourself to use reason first. Hendel supports this notion, recommending that you say to yourself, “I must be having an emotion, let me identify and be able to name that emotion.” [18] [19]
    • If you are feeling particularly angry, resentful, hurt, or sad, you may want to wait to talk to others. These emotions can stand in the way of positive communication and cause you to lash out at someone else.
    • Hendel shares something she does when she wants to stop herself from lashing out at others: “I recommend writing a letter to that person.” She instructs that you “put all [your] emotions aside except for the anger,” even your “empathy for that person,” and lean into your anger and just write “in a very raw way.” [20]
  3. Write entries about how you interacted with people throughout the day. If you had incidents in which you were mean, try to recall details about who you were mean to, why you think you were mean, what you said, and what events led up to the incident. If you were able to be nice to others, particularly in situations in which your tendency would normally be to be mean, then reward yourself for “good behavior.” [21]
    • Building a cache of journal entries about your meanness can help you identify whether there are people, events, or environments that seem to “trigger” your tendency to act mean. [22]
  4. Being able to laugh easily (with people, not at people), can help humor override your tendencies to be mean. If you are beginning to feel impatient and think you might be mean to someone, try to find a reason to laugh. Finding humor in a situation or getting yourself laughing about something else can diffuse the situation by actually changing your body’s chemical reaction from anger or negativity to humor. [23]
  5. You need to get plenty of sleep (at least 7-8 hours) every night to thrive. Being sleep deprived can contribute to a wide range of health problems, including the inability to manage emotions properly. Getting adequate sleep can help you have the patience and understanding to be nice to others regardless of your emotional state. [24]
    • If you have chronic sleep problems, consult your physician or a pharmacist about safe sleep aids. Alternately, making dietary changes, such as reducing caffeine and sugar consumption, or lifestyle changes, such as reducing nighttime screen time, may enable you to sleep better at night. [25]
  6. Meditation can help you regulate your emotions, which can help you be nicer. If you are feeling as though you might be unkind to someone due to feeling angry or impatient, give yourself a little mental refresher through meditation. Find a private, quiet place, then follow the following sequence: [26]
    • Breathe deeply and slowly. Deep breaths can slow your heart rate and make you feel calmer. Your breaths should be deep enough that your belly extends outwards on the “in” breath. [27]
    • Picture a golden-white light filling your body as you breathe in. Picture that light filling and relaxing your mind. When you breathe out, visualize dark, muddy colors leaving your body.
    • Once you are calm from your meditation, you should feel more ready to speak to others in a kind way.
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Section 4 of 4:

How to Improve Your Overall Mood

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  1. Taking care of yourself by indulging in activities that make you happy can help you be nicer to others as well. Doing something you enjoy can improve your mood by distracting you from a bad mood. If you can control your mood, you’re more likely to make reasoned decisions (not emotional decisions) about how to communicate with others. [28]
  2. Particularly if you are an introvert, you may need to make time alone with yourself from time to time. This can help you be nicer to others because you will feel more refreshed. This can be of particular benefit if your loved ones are the recipients of your mean behavior; taking a break from them may help you be nicer to them. [29]
    • Licensed clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz, PsyD advises that you take a break from the conversation if you find it escalating: “If you're being mean and you don't want to be mean, it's probably because you're emotionally overwhelmed and you're losing control. So, you need to take a break to regain control and let your nervous system calm down.” [30]
  3. Studies have shown that having vicarious experiences through others (which happens with both reading and watching well-known characters on a favorite TV show) can make you feel happier. People also experience catharsis, or a second-hand release of emotions, by experiencing events through fictional characters. Releasing emotions in a controlled environment in that way can help you control your emotions in real life. [31]
  4. There is a strong connection between moderate exercise and improved mood. Regular exercise can also help you regulate your emotions in general. All of this can help lead to you feeling happier, which can help you be nicer to others. [32]
    • Consider practicing yoga. It combines physicality and mindfulness, so it has the benefits of both exercise and meditation. If you can’t get to a yoga studio, try streaming an internet yoga video or downloading a yoga application to your mobile device. [33]
      • Reader Poll: We asked 187 wikiHow readers to give us their honest opinion on the practice of mindfulness, and the results were clearly positive. 95% of them called the experience rewarding . [Take Poll]
    • If you are feeling whimsical, you might try dancing to feel better. Dancing both gives you a bit of an exercise boost and activates the pleasure centers of your brain. [34]
    • You may find that getting daily exercise gives you more overall energy, which can help you be productive and patient without getting irritated with other people.
  5. Being hungry can make you feel irritable, which can lead you to lash out at others. Eating a nutritious diet full of whole foods can make you feel healthier and happier.
    • Include whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and protein in your diet. [35] Getting healthy fats can also make you feel full longer.
    • Avoid fat-free and overly processed foods. These often lack adequate nutrition and may leave you feeling dissatisfied.
    • Anti-inflammatory foods and those containing Omega-3 fatty acids may particularly contribute to your feeling happier. Some specific foods that fall into this category include leafy greens, avocado, asparagus, walnuts, dark chocolate, and green tea.
  6. You may be venting your frustrations on others because you feel isolated. Spending time with friends in person can be a great way to improve your mood if you are feeling disconnected from others. Go to an early or late lunch, happy hour at your favorite bar, or dinner. If eating out isn’t in your budget, go for a walk with them or visit your local park and sit on the swings and talk. [36]
    • If you’re unable to get together in person, talking on the phone and having a 2-way conversation (particularly with a funny friend!) can improve your mood quickly. [37]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Why do I keep snapping at everyone?
    Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.
    Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    If you're being mean and you don't want to be mean, it's probably because you're emotionally overwhelmed and you're losing control. If that happens, you need to take a break to regain control and let your nervous system calm down.
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      • Be the bigger person; you do not have to be mean because someone else is being mean to you.
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      • If you encounter someone who is being mean to you, stand up for yourself, but don't be rude.
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      • Before you speak, THINK : Is it T rue, H elpful, I nspiring, N ecessary, and K ind?
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      • Try wearing a piece of jewelry that acts as a reminder to cool down and be nicer. For example, you might wear a special ring that someone gave you to remind you that other people are kind, and you can be kind, too.
      • Look for little ways to help other people. They may not seem like much in the moment, but they add up and make you a better person overall.
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      References

      1. ↑ http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/smile-it-could-make-you-happier/
      2. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/communication-anger
      3. ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201108/are-you-empathic-3-types-empathy-and-what-they-mean
      5. ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/mind-tapas/201006/stop-being-such-jerk
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-big-questions/201306/why-are-people-mean-part-1
      9. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarakay-smullens/when-beasts-are-out-of-th_b_4656456.html
      1. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Martha-Beck-Why-People-Are-Mean
      3. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6301136/
      8. ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW. Certified AEDP Psychotherapist & Emotions Educator. Expert Interview
      10. ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/putting-it-together-use-of-anger-management-techniques/
      11. ↑ Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW. Certified AEDP Psychotherapist & Emotions Educator. Expert Interview
      12. ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/anger-diary-and-triggers/
      13. ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/anger-diary-and-triggers/
      14. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx
      15. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/how-many-hours-of-sleep-are-enough/faq-20057898
      16. ↑ http://www.integrativepsychiatry.net/neurotransmitter.html
      17. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx
      18. ↑ http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/11/meditations-positive-residual-effects/
      19. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/mind-tapas/201006/stop-being-such-jerk
      20. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/happiness-in-this-world/201407/why-people-can-be-kinder-to-strangers-than-to-loved-ones
      21. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
      22. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1057740814000631
      23. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/men/news/20100608/exercise-may-ward-off-anger
      24. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/prescriptions-life/201312/6-drug-free-ways-boost-your-mood-help-depression
      25. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/200703/dance-therapy-spin-control
      26. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/prescriptions-life/201312/6-drug-free-ways-boost-your-mood-help-depression
      27. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201409/10-ways-to-escape-a-bad-mood-fast
      28. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201409/10-ways-to-escape-a-bad-mood-fast

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Before making a mean comment, stop to think of what your role model might say instead. If you don’t have a role model, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes before being mean to them. When someone tries to be helpful but accidentally makes things worse, thank them for what they tried to do, and explain why it wasn’t helpful. Try to use facts and “I” statements instead of assigning blame, and take a break from the conversation if you’re feeling overwhelmed. To learn more from our Counselor co-author about developing a nice sense of humor or controlling your emotions, keep reading below!

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