How to Cut Bad Friends Loose (With Expert-Backed Tips)

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Ending a friendship can be hard, but there are ways to do it gracefully
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Not all friendships are meant to last forever, and some are only for a season. So, when it's time to tell someone that you’ve grown apart and that you don't want to be friends anymore— how should you do it? The answer depends on several factors, like how close you are to this person and the reasons why you no longer want to be friends. If you’ve found yourself in this predicament, keep reading to learn how to handle this situation, with expert tips from certified life coach, Jessica George.

How to Tell Someone You Don't Want to Be Friends

When ending a friendship, pick a time and place to do it in person. Prepare for the emotional fallout as your friend may be caught off guard by your decision. Don't badmouth them and try to remain cordial in social settings. If it was just a casual friendship, consider the "fade-out" method by declining their invites.

Section 1 of 3:

How to End a Long-Term Friendship

  1. You may have been wanting to free yourself from this friendship for a while, but when you meet with your friend, you'll need to be clear on the reasons why you're ending the friendship .
    • If you need to tell them what they've done that's contributed to your decision, think about how you can phrase this as kindly and gently as possible.
    • You might not want them to know why you're ending things, and that's fine. It's okay to be vague, or to use phrases like, "Things have changed for me..."
    • Don't feel like you have to justify your decision or defend it.
  2. 2
    Reader Poll: We asked 1127 wikiHow readers what the most important thing to keep in mind when breaking up with someone is, and 58% of them said being honest, but not unnecessarily harsh. [Take Poll] This is important for friendship breakups, as well.
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  3. 3
    Practice what you’re going to say. Thinking about what to say to end the friendship can be the hardest part. You probably don’t want to hurt the person, but you also no longer want them in your life, which can be a tough pill to swallow for your soon-to-be former friend. Ideally, you’d like to let them down gently, but firmly, politely, but assertively, and hopefully, creating no bad blood between you two. Here are some ways to address the situation: [1]
    • “I appreciate all the good times we’ve shared, but I think it’s time for me to refocus my energies toward personal growth. It’s been fun!”
    • “Although I know you meant no harm, I didn’t like that comment you made about [x] and it made me reconsider my own boundaries in friendships. I’d like to take a break from ours.”
    • “None of us are perfect and we both have things we could improve on, so I’m going to take a break from this friendship and do my part.”
    • “You haven’t done anything wrong, but I don’t think our values or lifestyles really align anymore.”
  4. Send them a text or an email to ask them to meet you in a neutral location. If you live in the same town, this is the best way to have the conversation about not being friends. [2]
    • If they ask you what you want to talk about, say something vague. For example, you might say, "I just want to share some recent decisions with you." If they persist, remind them that you'd rather talk about it in person.
    • If your friend lives out of town, send an email or text to schedule a time to talk on the phone. Obviously, in person is best, but if you live in different parts of the country this may not be an option.
    • Be aware that written words can easily be misinterpreted. This is one reason why talking directly to the other person, even though it's hard, is best.
  5. They may be upset or angry when they hear your news. Or, they may want to try to repair the friendship. You should decide ahead of time whether you'll be open to working on the friendship, or whether your decision is final. [3]
    • If they get angry, you'll need to be prepared to take care of yourself. You don't need to make a scene - it's fine to simply walk away.
    • Unless you've decided that you're open to repairing the friendship, keep it short. You don't have to help take care of them until they feel better. Simply state what you've decided, and tell them it's time for you both to move on.
    • Don't get involved in debating whether or not you're right or wrong.
  6. If you've been friends for a long time, chances are you share other friends with each other. These friends may be forced to "choose sides" between you and your former friend. [4]
  7. Explain that it was just your decision. Your good friends may understand your reasons without additional explanation. [7]
    • Your mutual friends may also try to make you return to the friendship. If this is the case, redirect the conversation. Remind your friends that you're just trying to move on.
    • Don't try to turn anyone against your ex-friend. If you lose friends because of your decision, they probably weren't good friends anyway.
    • According to George, “If you see [your ex-friend] in social situations, simply smile, say hello, but do not engage. Friend groups always have people in them that do not like one another… it’s perfectly okay to be this person.” [8]
  8. Don't dwell on the decision to end your friendship - what's done is done. You made the best decision you could, if you were thoughtful. Now you don't have to think about it anymore. Rehashing the choices you made, or defending your decision (even if only to yourself!) only extends the process.
    • It might feel strange to not have your friend in your life anymore, but you will survive.
    • Make sure to spend time with other friends. Try doing new things, and going to new places with your other friends.
  9. Eat well, get enough rest, and do things you enjoy.Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, and remember that ending a friendship might involve some grief. [9]
    • Focusing on the positive parts of your life - the things you enjoy about the way your life is now - can help keep you from feeling sad about your lost friendship.
    • If you find yourself falling into negative thoughts, practice turning your thoughts to something more positive.
    • After a fallout with a friend, you might be feeling all sorts of emotions. George explains that ending friendships is “hard at any age” but does mark “a natural progression in life.” [10]
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Section 2 of 3:

How to Leaving a Casual Friendship

  1. Gradually seeing the person less often might be happening naturally, or you might need to consciously apply these steps. This is a good way to let someone know you don't want to be friends without verbally explaining it to them. [12]
    • This method is appropriate for casual friends who you don't really know very well.
    • If the person is a new friend, this method is less leaving a friendship than it's simply an acknowledgment that you never really became friends.
    • It might take a longer time to leave a friendship this way.
    • George is an advocate for this method, especially if the other person has done something to truly hurt you. She says, “If something terrible has happened that warrants you having to end the relationship, you can quietly slip out and stop contacting or connecting with them.” [13]
  2. One way that you can start to minimize contact with the person is by declining invitations to do things. This may require you to tell a little white lie now and then to get out of something. [14]
    • For example, if the person asks if you want to go see a movie sometime over the weekend, then you might say something like “That sounds cool, but I already have a ton going on this weekend, so I really can’t.”
    • George adds that you can “be kind” and still “not stick around” if you no longer want this person in your life. [15]
  3. You may bump into the person while you are trying to build distance between the two of you, so you will need to know how to deal with those situations. Ignoring the person could lead to hurt feelings and awkwardness, so instead try to give polite excuses for why you can’t stay and talk.
    • For example, you could politely say hello to the person and then say something like, “Sorry I can’t stay and chat. I am already running late. Maybe some other time!”
    • Try to be as polite and considerate as possible. Even if you do not want to be friends with the person anymore, you never know when you might bump into each other again and keeping things civil will reduce the chance of an awkward run-in. [16]
    • George provides another good example of how to do this: “If you are at a party, acknowledge their presence and then find a polite way to leave the conversation,” she begins. “Get busy with other people and try to enjoy yourself the best you can. Don’t give your power to that other person.” [17]
  4. If your attempts to politely and gradually end the friendship do not help, then you can also try telling the person that you don't want to be friends anymore. You may just have to be direct and say something like, “You are a great person, but we are just too different. I wish you all the best, but I think we should stop spending so much time together.”
    • You can also try saying something like, “We’ve had lots of fun times, but I think we don’t have a ton in common anymore. I wish you well but I’m going to keep more to myself from now on.”
    • Alternatively, you can say, “I think you’re a really cool person but I’m trying to focus more on myself, my family, and my career, so I don’t think we should hang out as much.”
    • Try to avoid the strategy called “ghosting.” Ghosting is when you cut off all contact with the person.
      • For example, you would need to ignore the person’s texts and emails, stop returning phone calls, and unfriend the person on social media. Ghosting can lead to hurt feelings, anger, and concerns about your well-being, so it is not ideal.
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Section 3 of 3:

Final Takeaways

  1. Ending a friendship can feel as difficult and painful as a breakup. Maybe your soon-to-be former friend was constantly taking little jabs at you or making condescending remarks. Or maybe they were just your party friend and you’re no longer into that scene. Or maybe you two have known each other since kindergarten and don’t have much in common anymore. Whatever your reasons and how valid they are, ending a friendship involves processing a lot of complicated emotions for you and the other person, including pain, shame, doubt, and rejection.
    • No matter what, try to be kind, respectful, and don’t spread gossip about why your friendship ended. You’re way classier than that!

Join the Discussion...

How to tell your friend you don't want to be friends anymore.
Rosebud_1444
Rosebud_1444
So my friend has been acting weird lately, Weirder than usual. For instance she sits at the front of the classroom and I sit at the back, So she turns her head GOES OUT OF HER WAY and makes funny faces at me. IDK if she is trying to be funny or annoy me, I get very annoyed and want it to stop but I don't want to come off as mean.
wikiHow Editorial Team
It's always best to be direct and talk to your friend about how you're feeling, but stay polite so you don't hurt them even more. Find a private place where you can let them know what's on your mind. You could tell them something like, "Hey, it seems like something is off with you lately. Are you making faces at me to be funny or is there some other reason?" Listen to what they have to say and see if you can work through it.

If you decide that you don't want to be friends anymore, you could say something like, "I think we've grown apart and don't have that much in common anymore." Alternatively, if they try to make plans with you, come up with some different excuses to let them know that you're not interested in hanging out. You might mention that you have other plans or that you'd rather spend time with a group of friends instead of hanging out one-on-one. When you keep telling them you're busy, they may get the hint that you want to have a little more space.
Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
It’s extremely hard to end friendships gracefully. There are too many emotions involved. If something terrible has happened that warrants you having to end the relationship, you can quietly slip out and stop contacting or connecting with them. If you see them in social situations, simply smile and say hello, but do not engage. Friend groups always have people in them that do not like one another. It’s perfectly okay to be this person without saying anything derogatory about them. Stay classy.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What if I can't get away from the person?
    Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
    Licensed Counselor
    Julia Lyubchenko is an Adult Counselor and a Hypnotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Julia opened her practice in 2012, Therapy Under Hypnosis, specializing in resolving emotional and behavioral problems. She has a Certificate in Clinical Hypnosis from the Bosurgi Method School and is certified in Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and Hypnotherapy. She earned an MA in Counseling Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy from Alliant International University and an MSc in Developmental and Child Psychology from Moscow State University.
    Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
    Licensed Counselor
    Expert Answer
    If you can't get away from this person, make sure you establish really clear personal boundaries. Try to be nice but firm as you set those boundaries, without being aggressive or impolite.
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      • George suggests asking yourself, “Can you try to repair things with them to make your relationship more comfortable?” [18] If the answer is yes, try not to burn any bridges.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.wondermind.com/article/breaking-up-with-a-friend/
      2. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/endfriendship
      3. ↑ http://www.primermagazine.com/2012/live/how-to-dump-a-friend-ending-a-friendship-like-an-adult
      4. ↑ http://www.primermagazine.com/2012/live/how-to-dump-a-friend-ending-a-friendship-like-an-adult
      5. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      6. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      7. ↑ http://www.primermagazine.com/2012/live/how-to-dump-a-friend-ending-a-friendship-like-an-adult
      8. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-you-us/201408/3-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-after-a-breakup
      1. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      2. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      3. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/endfriendship
      4. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-in-world/201308/how-end-friendship
      6. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201407/do-you-need-break-friend
      8. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.
      9. ↑ Jessica George, MA, CHt. Certified Professional Master Life Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February, 2022.

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Telling a close friend that you don’t want to be friends anymore isn't easy, but by doing it at the right time and choosing your words carefully, you can make it as painless as possible for both of you. First, schedule a time to meet in person so you can be as clear and direct as possible. Before your meeting, think through some possible reactions, like what you’ll do or say if your friend asks for a second chance or if they demand a reason for the break-up. When talking to your friend, try not to blame them or get involved in a debate about who’s right or wrong. Instead, keep things vague, short, and as kind as possible. After your meeting, focus on spending time with your other friends or trying new things to keep yourself from dwelling on the decision. To learn how to end a casual friendship, keep reading!

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