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Your spouse may well be the most important person in your life. If they don't yet know about your feelings of bisexuality, it can be challenging to tell them. The rewards are worth the difficulties, though, when you can be honest with the one you love about who you are. Start with step one to begin the conversation.
Things You Should Know
- If you want to come out to your spouse as bisexual, take some time to think about what you want to share, like how long you've felt this way or why it's important for them to know.
- It's a good idea to have someone supportive in your corner in case you need to talk to a friend after you come out to your spouse.
- You'll be more likely to have a positive dialogue if you talk to your spouse when you're both feeling relaxed—not when you're stressed, busy, or arguing.
- Explain your thoughts openly and honestly, then give your spouse a chance to share their reaction.
- Give your partner some time to adjust to the news, but don't feel like you need to hide that part of yourself, even if they don't react supportively at first.
Steps
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Prepare your thoughts. Before coming out to your spouse, take some time with your thoughts to figure out what you'd like to say.
- Consider: Why are you feeling driven to come out to your partner at this time? Has something changed recently, such as you've only lately come to realize this about yourself, or been able to accept it?
- What does being bisexual mean to you? How has it played out in your life, and how do you see it informing your future?
- Writing out your feelings and ideas may help to compose them.
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Educate yourself. Chances are, in the course of coming to terms with your sexuality, you'll have done a fair amount of research online. Still, it can be a good idea to round out your knowledge of bisexuality and relevant issues so that you will hopefully have some of the answers to the questions your spouse may have.
- Also make note of helpful websites that may be able to serve as resources for your spouse. Everyone processes differently, and it may be easier for your spouse to read information on a website later, at their own pace.
- Research whether there are any local bi organizations or community meet-ups you might be able to join. Bringing your partner with you into the bi community, and allowing them to meet other bi people, may help them accept bisexuality and understand how it fits into your life better.
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Consider who will be your support system. If your partner is the first person you are coming out to, it may be a lot for your spouse to both work through your revelation themselves and also be your sole confidant in your identity journey. Think about who else, after your spouse, you may want to come out to and have as a supportive resource.
- Although you may want to seek support from others before coming out to your spouse, be careful who and how many people you tell. Word can spread very quickly, and you want to be able to come out to your spouse on your own terms. You can always join an anonymous online forum to get some motivation or a sympathetic ear from people whom you know can't out you.
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Set the mood. As with any coming out, timing is very important. Choose a time to tell your partner when you will both have ample time to talk and take things in, when you both won't be too stressed or busy.
- It's a good idea to set aside a specific time in which to have the talk--maybe within the context of a special dinner date at home.
- It's best to choose a place where you have privacy and you both feel comfortable.
- Never come out to your spouse during a fight. No matter how heated things may be in the moment, you will regret your slip of the tongue later. Receiving big news in a tense context will make it harder for your spouse to process it positively.
- While some find it easier to come out in writing rather than face-to-face, coming out in person can have its advantages, as you and your spouse can have a natural, in-the-moment dialogue.
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Explain yourself as clearly and as honestly as possible.
- Tell your spouse what being bisexual means to you and why you are coming out to them now.
- Be clear about what this means for your relationship. Has anything changed? Do you anticipate making changes in your life, now that you have come to accept this? Are you seeking to open the relationship? Make your perspective understood.
- Try not to be apologetic. You are being honest about who you are, and have nothing to apologize for.
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Be prepared for anything. It is really nearly impossible to predict how someone will react to a coming out. Consider how you will take care of yourself and see to your own emotional needs if your spouse is initially upset.
- It is also nearly impossible to predict how different someone's initial reaction might be from where they may arrive at on the issue later on. Don't be discouraged if their initial reaction is less than enthusiastic. Many people can be initially shocked or overwhelmed, but with time can become the strongest of allies.
- It bears repeating: always remember that people really do come around.
- You may be prepared for disbelief, but it's always possible that you may wind up the surprised one--perhaps they will tell you they suspected it all along!
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Be sensitive to your spouse's needs and be a good listener. Although this is a time when you are explaining yourself, this is also a time when you need to be giving your partner space and time to process. You are seeking their support, but it's important to also be supportive and understanding of their position.
- Listen carefully to what they have to say and try not to be defensive. Your partner may be very surprised and may not be considering their words carefully.
- Answer any questions they may have. Try to be non-judgmental about what they may ask. Remember, although you've probably had quite some time to educate yourself about bisexuality and think things through, they are probably only considering this for the first time.
- At a certain point, dependent on your spouse's personality, it may be best to leave them alone--give them space to process on their own for a while.
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Keep the conversation going (metaphorically). Sometimes people slip into a state of denial and prefer not to talk about your coming out or your sexuality. Sometimes people need space in which to process. And sometimes it can be difficult to tell which of these is at play.
- If your spouse doesn't want to talk about it again for a little while, be considerate of that, but don't let them completely drop the subject, either.
- Find ways to slip in little reminders of the conversation now and then, and practice trying to be open about your sexuality. You need to be sensitive to your spouse's feelings, but also respect your own need to be true to yourself.
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Above all, give it time. Some spouses will be immediately accepting, but others will need time to adjust their way of thinking and their perspective of you.
- Either way, fusing your newfound bisexual identity into your preexisting relationship is going to take time. Be patient, and enjoy the journey. It is always worth it: you are being true to you and allowing your partner to know you on a more honest level. That is the recipe for a much stronger, deeper relationship.
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Community Q&A
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QuestionI want to come out to my wife about my being bisexual, but she has such a negative outlook about the LGBTQ community. How do I come out without her going totally ballistic? She's older than me by 12 years, and I'm 59.MADISON BARNHILLCommunity AnswerTry asking why she has a negative outlook on it. Try to understand why, no matter if it's religion, personal experiences, etc. If she really does love you, then she won't care about you being bi. Just make sure that you get the point across that you still love her.
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QuestionI believe my wife is bisexual. I have tried to talk to her, but she just yells and makes me feel guilty. What can I do to get her to open up to me?LinnieTop AnswererLet her know that you are accepting of the LGBT+ community. That might make her feel more willing to open up. If she still refuses to talk about it, don't force her into it. She will open up when she's ready.
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QuestionHow can I tell if my husband is really okay with me being bisexual?NicoTop AnswererThe easiest way is to ask him how he feels about the LGBTQ community or bisexual folks. If he responds positively, he is likely okay with your identity. If he responds negatively or with disgust, he might not be okay with your bisexuality.
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Warnings
- As with any coming out, your safety is always the foremost concern. There are many reasons why it may not be best for you to come out to your spouse at this time, including if you fear for your safety or are dependent on them for housing, income, etc. Be safe and use your discretion.Thanks
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- "So far I have only taken the quiz. After taking the 20 questions, I feel very strongly supported. Not only am I not bi, I feel very confident that I am gay right now. Thanks for supporting my cognitive processing in what is going on in my brain." ..." more
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"So far I have only taken the quiz. After taking the 20 questions, I feel very strongly supported. Not only am I not bi, I feel very confident that I am gay right now. Thanks for supporting my cognitive processing in what is going on in my brain."
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