How to Come Out as Trans

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Advice and resources from LGBTQ+ counselors
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Coming out as transgender can feel scary—you may be worried about how people will react, about how you'll feel, or about saying the "perfect thing." But the truth is, there's no one right way to come out. Coming out is your own personal journey, and we’re here to help you along that journey. In this guide, we explain when to come out and who to come out to , how to navigate the conversations , and how to find support and resources , with the help of LGBTQ+ counselors and transgender specialists.

Tips for Coming Out as Trans

Come out when you feel safe and comfortable to do so. Choose people you can trust and who will be understanding and supportive of your journey, especially at first. Be honest and confident about your gender identity, and be prepared to answer questions from the people you’re coming out to.

Section 1 of 4:

Preparing to Come Out as Trans

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  1. 1
    Come out when you feel safe and comfortable. Coming out is your personal experience. Don’t let people pressure you into coming out before you’re ready. Instead, come out only when you feel safe and comfortable with those you’re coming out to. It doesn’t have to be immediately or anytime soon. When you’re ready and want to tell people about your gender, do so! [1]
    • Licensed family therapist Jin S. Kim, MA, says, “coming out is not a one-time event, but a life-time experience that an LGBTQ person repeatedly does in their lifetime due to our heteronormative world.” [2]

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Jin S. Kim, MA is a Licensed Family Therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ+ individuals. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology.

    Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC , is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 15 years of experience. She specializes in creating safe spaces for marginalized communities at the high school and college levels.

    Lauren Urban, LCSW is a Licensed Psychotherapist with over 13 years of experience with children, couples, families, and individuals. She specializes in working with LGBTQIA clients.

    Inge Hansen, PsyD , is a Clinical Psychologist, Transgender & Diversity Specialist, and the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative.

    Lily Zheng, MA is a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Consultant and Executive Coach who works with organizations to build more inclusive workplaces. Lily is the author of Gender Ambiguity in the Workplace: Transgender and Gender-Diverse Discrimination .

  2. 2
    Come out to people who will support you. LGBTQ+ Counselor Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC, advises coming out to someone you trust first. If you're thinking about how you want to come out, test the waters by coming out to your friends or someone else you feel will be supportive before you tell your family. [3] Choose people who already love you for you and are accepting of LGBTQ+ individuals. Once you’ve come out to those people and started to settle into your identity, come out to other people you’re close to, like your immediate and extended family. [4]
    • When deciding to come out to your parents , consider your immediate and long-term safety. Kim says to consider whether coming out potentially puts you at risk for being kicked out, how religious they are, the cultural nuances that may impact how they respond, and whether or not you have adequate resources to support yourself in the case of a negative response. [5] This can also be applied to anyone who plays a part in your immediate or long-term safety, like an employer, partner, potential employer, or potential partner.
    • Over time, the coming out process will likely get easier. As it does, come out to people you share more casual relationships with, including family friends; partners and people you’re dating; your partner’s family; coworkers; classmates; online followers; doctors, nurses, and other health care workers; your employer, school, or the government; and the general public.
    • Consider who will support you and who won’t if you come out via social media. If you want to announce your gender online, it’s likely that many of your followers will be supportive—but some may not be. [6] Don't respond to negative comments, if you get them. Delete them, and block/report if it feels right. You may lose followers. (Sometimes, the trash takes itself out.) The people who remain are the more positive ones.
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  3. 3
    Make sure you're safe—because that's the most important thing. Only come out to people if you're confident that they are trustworthy and won’t harm you, like close family members and friends who have expressed their love for you (and other LGBTQ+ people). Remember that you never have to come out if you don’t want to, especially to someone who you think may harm, endanger, or unfairly penalize you. [7]
    • Even if you think you're safe, you might feel nervous. Take your time. There's no rush.
    • If you aren't sure if someone might be accepting, try bringing up LGBTQ+ issues in conversation, without mentioning your own identity. Listen to their opinion. This can give you a sense of whether they would respect you.
    • You don't owe your parents personal information about yourself, especially if they would use that information to abuse you. It's okay to stay closeted to protect your life, health, safety, or future (e.g., college funds).
    • Telling coworkers that you're trans could result in discrimination at work, or even being fired for other "unrelated" reasons, so be selective in who you tell. This isn't right or fair, but it does happen to some people.
  4. 4
    Consider learning about your community so you can answer questions. Learn about transgender issues to be knowledgeable about your community. This will help inform you about the questions that your friends, relatives, and others may have about gender identity. By being more informed, you will show maturity and thoughtfulness in your coming out as transgender. [8]
    • Schneider encourages you to reflect on your gender identity a lot before coming out. Do your research and learn as much as possible about what it means for you, or how you feel it fits for you. [9]
    • Find literature or reading materials in your community or online. There may be LGBTQ+ community centers or youth groups in your area that provide information, resources , and helpful brochures.
  5. 5
    Write a letter first if it feels easier to gather your thoughts that way. Get your thoughts out on paper as a way to find your voice and focus on what you want to say. Write about your gender identity and how you came to know it, how long you’ve known it, and any other relevant details. No matter who the letter is intended for, be courteous and give them space to process the information. [10]
    • Example: "I know it has been a while since we last saw each other. I hope that we can see each other soon, and I can tell you more about what I've been going through. I have been struggling with my identity for many years. I want to be able to talk openly in the future about what I'm going through."
    • A letter can help you to focus on what you want to say without interruption. Consider having this letter handy when the day comes that you meet and talk in person about coming out.
    • If you use a letter as a framework for coming out, you can revise until you feel more comfortable with what you want to say.
    • Say your tone in the letter is at times angry about being hurt in the past, and feeling unloved. Revise it to focus on how you are a stronger and more confident person about who you are, and what feels right for you.
    • Sometimes a letter can reduce the pressure of face-to-face conversations, and can be useful if the person you're coming out to is far away.
  6. 6
    Practice your message aloud so you go in feeling confident. Sometimes it's good to practice in the same way you might practice when giving a speech or preparing a presentation. It can help you find the right tone and words to use. It can also help you become more comfortable with saying "I'm transgender." Head to a private room and say your message aloud as many times as it takes until you start to feel confident.
    • Consider practicing with someone who you trust and who you've already come out to.
    • Don't try to rush and say everything at once. Pace yourself, and allow the audience to process each part of what you have to say.
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Section 2 of 4:

Coming Out as Transgender

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  1. 1
    Be confident and authentic in your identity when you come out. Be open and (lovingly) direct about your identity with your friends and family. Be confident in who you are, and share authentically about your experiences with being transgender. Understand your own identity as a transgender person, don’t let anyone define it for you. [11]
    • You might share about what has been a struggle for you, like feeling out of place among your peers. If coming to terms with being transgender has been a relief for you, then share this as well.
    • When talking about yourself as transgender, speak firmly with confidence . Be willing to be flexible and responsive to what others have to say.
      • Example: "I am confident that I am transgender. I know that you may have questions or not know what to say. That's okay. I'm open to listening."
  2. 2
    Give the people you come out to time to process and respond. They may react with shock, support, or frustration, but no matter what, try to remain calm and respectful. Give them time to respond, and understand that their first reactions may not represent how they feel later on. Sometimes shock or confusion can affect how a person responds. [12]
    • Consider that some people may react out of ignorance, be concerned for your safety, or try to change your mind. Tell them you are taking the process of coming out seriously and have thought about their concerns.
  3. 3
    Answer their questions and respond to their concerns. Many people don't fully understand transgender issues, and they may need some help learning. Be open to answering their questions, no matter how small or odd the questions may seem. If you are not sure how to answer, then provide them with resources or reading materials to help them. In many cases, your loved ones just want you to be happy, so let them know that this is what makes you happy, and tell them how they can support you. Here are some examples of how you might answer common questions: [13]
    • " How long have you felt this way? " "I've known ever since I was 14. I realized I'd be much happier if I got to be a [boy]."
    • " Why did you choose this? " "I can't choose how I feel about my gender, any more than you can. But I can choose to either hide myself, or to do what makes me happy. And this will make me so much happier than hiding would. I hope I'll have your support."
    • " Are you sure this is right? " "I've thought about it for a while, and the idea of trying to be [wrong gender] just makes me feel [sad/awful/sick/hopeless]. I feel like I'd be much happier and more confident if I could live as a [correct gender]."
    • " Does this mean you're a drag queen/king? " "No, drag is a performance that people do for fun. But this is very real for me. It'll impact my health and happiness."
    • " Am I a bad parent? Did I cause this somehow? " "No, I'm pretty sure I was born this way. If you were a bad parent, then I would be too scared to ever tell you this. But I'm telling you this because I trust you, and I want you to be part of my life."
    • " Will this change things? " "Not a ton, necessarily. I'm still the same person, and I still love you just the same. You just understand me better now. And the transition will probably help me be less [grumpy/sad/irritable] too, because I'll have a lot more fun when I get to be myself."
    • " I'm worried. I've heard that awful things can happen to trans people. " "I know. I've read the research. I've also seen the research saying that trans people are much happier and healthier when they come out and are accepted by the community. Support can prevent many of those awful things from happening. I hope you can help me through this, so I can live my best life."
    • " I don't understand this. I want to help, but I don't know how. " "That's okay. We'll work it out together. I'll tell you how you can help me through this. The biggest thing I need is your love and support."
  4. 4
    Be patient, as it may take people time to come to terms with your new identity. The coming out process and people’s subsequent understanding won't happen overnight, and will continue to shift and change as you and your loved ones understand more about being transgender. Know that as you get older, go to different schools, get jobs, or interact with new people that you will still be coming out throughout your life. Be patient with the process, as others may not understand it in the same way. [14]
    • While it may be nerve-racking at first, being honest with yourself and others about who you are can be deeply gratifying and make you feel better over time.
    • Be patient with those who may want to help, but are ignorant about what you're going through. For example, if someone says, "You don't seem transgender," be patient and explain what being transgender means to you, rather than trying to correct them.
    • Focus on how to remain calm, centered, and relaxed. Do things that help to relieve stress in healthy ways before you plan to talk about coming out.
  5. 5
    End the conversation if it is not going well. In some cases, having a conversation about coming out might not work out as you hoped it would. If you feel like the people you are coming out to are not being supportive or kind, then you might want to gracefully end the conversation for the time being.
    • Example: "Thank you for listening. I'll be leaving now."
    • Example: "I don't think this conversation is going anywhere. I'll talk to you later."
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Section 3 of 4:

Finding Support When Coming Out

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  1. 1
    Seek advice from supportive friends or family. Schneider says to continue to reach out to those you trust and have been by your side in the past. [15] Ask them about challenges they have faced in their own lives, and how they overcame them. Show them that you care about what they have to say.
    • Example: “Hey, would we be able to hang out and chat soon? I just came out and would love some advice for handling all the changes that come with that.”
    • Finding advice and support in person can be reassuring and helpful as you continue to come out and let others know about your gender identity.
    • Understand that even if your friends or family have not personally experienced what it is like to come out as transgender, they may have personal struggles with their own identities. For example, ask them, "Have you ever felt like you didn't belong or fit in?"
    • Feeling different or misunderstood is something that everyone goes through from time to time in their lives. Use this as a way to connect with others who feel this way, rather than distancing yourself.
    EXPERT TIP

    Lauren Urban, LCSW

    Licensed Psychotherapist
    Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.
    Lauren Urban, LCSW
    Licensed Psychotherapist

    A supportive community is crucial for self-care when coming out. People often struggle with family responses and expectations when coming out, but a supportive community you can ground yourself in gives you support and acceptance, which are important when you’re coming out as trans.

  2. 2
    Take care of yourself. Coming out can be a very stressful process. So, take some time to do what calms you down and makes you feel good, like watching your favorite show or listening to your favorite album. Eat well, drink water, and get plenty of sleep to help manage your stress. It may also help to unplug from the online world to give yourself time to process your emotions. [16]
  3. 3
    Talk to supportive professionals about your physical transition. Many trans people choose to undergo a physical transition with hormones and/or surgery to help their body match their gender more clearly. You may be struggling with what you plan to do both physically and emotionally, but seeking advice from experts who have helped others find their path can help. [17]
    • Talk with your doctor about making physical changes to your body. This may involve hormone replacement therapy or surgery. Talk with your doctor about a possible referral to a specialist in these types of medical procedures.
    • Ask, "I am considering transitioning as a [man or woman] and want to know about the medical treatments available in this area. Can you help me or make a referral?"
    • Transgender & Diversity Specialist Inge Hansen, PsyD, says to “seek out what you can do to live more fully in your authentic gender.” You may not be able to have surgery, but you can groom yourself and dress in a way that affirms your gender identity. [18]
  4. 4
    See a counselor if you could benefit from additional support. Coming out as transgender can be tough, and the ensuing transition process isn't always easy. A counselor can help you cope with the challenges, and offer advice on handling difficult times. They can also treat anxiety, depression, and other illnesses that trans people can be at risk for. [19]
  5. 5
    Connect with the LGBTQ+ community. Whether it's online or in-person, there is an LGBTQ+ community out there that can help you navigate your coming out process and what feels right for you. You don't have to feel alone or isolated as you make choices about how to talk with your family, or what to do when things are tough. Seeking support will make the process easier for you. [22]
    • Find online forums or support groups. This can be helpful if you're not yet ready to talk with people face-to-face.
    • Find community centers in your area. Go to CenterLink to find a directory of centers.
    • Find peer support and counselors to talk with by phone or by chat from the LGBT National Help Center .
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Section 4 of 4:

Resources for Trans Individuals

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  1. Reach out to national and local organizations for support when coming out. There are plenty of resources to help you navigate coming out and living freely as a transgender person. Dr. Hansen suggests finding therapists through a variety of national and local groups and services, including: [23]

Navigate Your Gender Transition with this Expert Series

Transitioning is a big process with many potentially confusing and difficult steps. Don't worry, we're here to guide you every step of the way with these expert articles.
1
Adjust to Being a Boy when You Really Want to Be a Girl
2
How to Become a Woman: Male to Female Transition
3
Start Hormone Replacement Therapy (Male to Female)
4
Know if You Should Transition
5
Know if You Are Transgender
6
How to Deal With Gender Dysphoria: Mental Health, Gender Expression & Medical Treatments

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      Tips

      • Don't rush the coming out process, and be confident in who you are. It is an ongoing process of self-discovery that can be ultimately rewarding.
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      • If you transition and change your name, come out to your human resources, boss, teachers/professors, or administration office.
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      • If you've legally changed your name, let your workplace or school know immediately. Even if it's not changed legally, many places allow the use of preferred names.
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      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • Remember that you are always a valid person, and that nobody can tell you how you should feel, look, or act except for you. It's your body and your life, so be assertive and allow yourself to step outside the norm. Confidence is key, especially when you go against the normals of society. Keep your head up and own your style!
      • If someone you've come out to doesn't accept you, try not to dwell on it too much. They may come around, and if they don't, remember there are others out there who will support you. Surround yourself with people who accept & support you.
      • Don't be afraid to tell your parents that they can't "normalize" you. If you speak calmly but firmly, this should help them realize that they can't change who you are.
      • No matter what other people say about you or what they say about your sexual orientation or gender identity, you are valid. You matter.
      • Don’t let the world around you stop yourself from being who you want to be.
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      Warnings

      • Make sure you have a safe place to go if things do not go the way you planned and you are put in danger. A friend's house is usually best, or a family member who lives close by (grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc.).
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      • It is important to remember that your friends and family who love you may react emotionally to the news, and they may not be accepting on the spot. They may need time before they come into full terms.
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      • It is important to remember that not everyone will be accepting. Don’t seek their approval; what matters is how comfortable you are being yourself.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://reports.hrc.org/coming-out-living-authentically-as-transgender-non-binary
      2. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. LGBTQ+ Counselor. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
      5. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
      7. ↑ https://reports.hrc.org/coming-out-living-authentically-as-transgender-non-binary
      8. ↑ https://transequality.org/issues/resources/frequently-asked-questions-about-transgender-people
      9. ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. LGBTQ+ Counselor. Expert Interview
      1. ↑ https://reports.hrc.org/coming-out-living-authentically-as-transgender-non-binary
      2. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
      3. ↑ https://reports.hrc.org/coming-out-living-authentically-as-transgender-non-binary
      4. ↑ https://reports.hrc.org/coming-out-living-authentically-as-transgender-non-binary
      5. ↑ https://www.ditchthelabel.org/8-tips-for-coming-out-as-trans/
      6. ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. LGBTQ+ Counselor. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ https://lgbtq.gmu.edu/local-resources/self-care-resources-for-trans-and-non-binary-folks/
      8. ↑ https://darahoffmanfox.com/how-do-i-find-a-gender-therapist/
      9. ↑ Inge Hansen, PsyD. Transgender & Diversity Specialist. Expert Interview
      10. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
      11. ↑ Inge Hansen, PsyD. Transgender & Diversity Specialist. Expert Interview
      12. ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. LGBTQ+ Counselor. Expert Interview
      13. ↑ https://reports.hrc.org/coming-out-living-authentically-as-transgender-non-binary
      14. ↑ Inge Hansen, PsyD. Transgender & Diversity Specialist. Expert Interview

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      The best way to come out as transgender is to practice what you’re going to say out loud. Once you’re ready, have a one-on-one, sit down conversation with the person you want to come out to. Speak firmly and with confidence. If they react negatively when you tell them, calmly end the conversation and keep your head held high. If you’re feeling down, look for support from your friends, family, and members of the LGBT community. For more helpful coming out advice from our reviewer, like how to prepare what you’re going to say, keep reading!

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