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How to voice your support when someone loses their child
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When someone you know loses a child, it’s normal to find yourself at a loss for words. What can you possibly say to make them feel better? How do you show your support? The truth is that you don’t need to say the “right” or “perfect” thing to a grieving parent, and you don’t need to fix anything. Instead, you can remind them that you’re here for them and that their grief is valid, even if their pain is unimaginable. A few kind words is all it takes. Here are a few options for what to say—and what not to say—to a parent who has lost a child.
Things You Should Know
- Try short, supportive statements. “I’m here for you” and “I’m so sorry” are totally acceptable.
- Validate their feelings. Remember that their grief is always valid, regardless of their child’s age or the circumstances of their child’s death.
- Don’t try to fix things or make them feel better. Let them experience grief on their own terms.
- Show your support and keep them in your life. Visit them, cook for them, or give them a call every once in a while to see how they’re doing.
Steps
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“I have no words—I’m so sorry.” Sometimes, words fail us, and that’s okay. The death of a child is a tragedy beyond the reach of language, and chances are, the parents will be at a loss for words too. By acknowledging this, you’re validating their feelings in a very genuine way. [1] X Research source
- Don’t be afraid of silence. Your physical presence and kindness can still speak volumes.
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“You’re in my prayers, day and night.” Faith and spirituality can be sources of comfort in a time of grief. If someone is religious, connecting with them via their faith can give them a sense of community and strength. This can be true even if you’re not religious yourself, or if you practice different faiths. [2] X Research source
- Some houses of worship offer payers and services in memory of a deceased person. You can arrange these services, if you feel the parent would appreciate it.
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“I’m here for you, now and always.” In times of grief, people often feel alone. They may self-isolate to an unhealthy degree, or may feel embarrassed to seek company. One way to support them is to remind them that you’re someone they can lean on. Visit them, call them, or just be a physical presence in their lives. This is especially helpful if you’re a family member or close friend. [3] X Research source
- If appropriate, try to stay in contact over the coming months and years. Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. All humans strive for connection, and that is especially true in a situation where someone lost such a big connection. It's important for them to form new connections to help them cope.
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“I know how happy you were to become a parent.” When a baby dies, parents suffer a double-loss. They lose their child and their identities as parents, since they never get the chance to see their baby grow. Birthdays and other milestones never happen. It’s a very unique kind of grief, and parents may appreciate you acknowledging it.
- Remember that parents who lose children may still consider themselves to be parents. If so, be sure to refer to them as parents in the present-tense, even if their only child is gone.
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“They were a good kid, and you’re a good parent.” Parents who lose a child may feel overwhelming guilt. If their child died from an illness or accident, they may believe they should have somehow prevented what happened—even if nothing could have been done. Reminding them that they’re good parents acknowledges their pain while affirming their self-worth.
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“They were a good person.” The death of an adult child is no less painful for a parent. To watch their son or daughter grow into independence only to see that life suddenly end is to feel like the world has played a terrible trick on them. But every parent dreams of raising good children. If nothing else, you can remind them that they succeeded in that. [6] X Research source
- If their child was a parent too, you can also say “They were a good parent.”
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“I know how much you were looking forward to becoming a parent.” A miscarriage may rob someone of the chance to become a parent in the first place. It’s heartbreaking and traumatic—and sadly, it remains a taboo subject. Because the baby was never born, the family may feel like their grief doesn’t count. Acknowledging their pain reminds them that their feelings matter. [7] X Trustworthy Source World Health Organization Health information and news provided by the World Health Organization Go to source
- Some people may feel that they are still parents, despite suffering a miscarriage and having no other children. If this is how they feel, you might say instead, “You’re still a mom (or dad).”
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“I’m sorry that they were in so much pain.” Suicide is a leading cause of death for people ages 10-54. [8] X Research source When a parent loses a child to suicide, their grief may be layered with guilt, anger, and shame. It can be very painful to see a parent overcome these feelings, which is why it may help to acknowledge the pain their child was suffering.
- Suicide has a lot of stigma associated with it too. [9] X Trustworthy Source National Alliance on Mental Illness Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness Go to source Be sure to show the parents the same level of compassion and support.
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“Work can wait—take care of yourself first.” It’s hard to know what to say to a coworker who loses a child. Professional relationships have different rules, but the need for empathy is the same. One way to show your support is to encourage your colleague to prioritize their own wellbeing.
- In some cases, co-workers can donate some of their paid time off so that a grieving parent can spend more time recovering. There are some technical considerations to doing this, so be sure to discuss the details with your employer. [10] X Research source
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“I love you.” If you have the sort of relationship with them where love can be expressed, say it. A parent who has lost a child has had a light put out in their life. Nothing can fill that darkness. But being loved can help someone endure despite their grief. Remind them that they’re loved, if you can.
- If your relationship is not one where you say “I love you,” such as with a coworker or neighbor, you can say other things like “I’m grateful to have you as my neighbor” or “We all appreciate you very much.”
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“Everything happens for a reason.” There’s no good reason to lose a child. It’s normal to seek explanations for why things happen, but it's not helpful to confront a grieving person with explanations for their loss. Stay away from platitudes like "It was God's will" or "They're in a better place now," as well. [11] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
- Instead of providing explanations, try validating their emotions. For example, “You have every right to feel the way you do,” is far more helpful to hear than any rationalization of a tragedy. [12] X Research source
- Try helping them understand that the things that they're going through are normal. Although it will never be easy, remembering the stages of grief might help them come to terms with the loss.
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“How can I make you feel better?” Avoid trying to fix the situation. Sometimes, being a “fixer” helps us navigate our own grief or discomfort. This is understandable, but it’s not always appropriate. Questions like “How can we get you back on your feet?” place parents in the role of making you feel helpful. They don’t need that extra burden. [13] X Research source
- Instead of asking how you can help, let them tell you what they need from you.
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“At least you still have your other children.” By saying this, you’re implying that they shouldn’t be so upset. It’s well-meaning but unfair. To complicate things, they may also worry about how their surviving children will cope with the death of their sibling.
- Instead, try to extend your support to their surviving children. You could say “If any of you need anything, I’m here for you.”
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“It could be worse.” It’s tempting to want to look at the bright side, but it’s not always helpful. A parent who has lost a child has experienced some of the worst pain imaginable. Asking them to consider how it could be even worse won’t make them feel better. [14] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Offer them emotional support instead. Validate their grief and let them express their feelings in their own way. [15] X Research source
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“You’ll get through this.” Overly encouraging statements like “Stay strong” and “There’s light at the end of the tunnel” aren’t helpful. This may seem counterintuitive, but a grieving parent doesn't feel strong, and they may see no future beyond their immediate pain. This is normal and hopefully temporary, but you can’t rush things. Let them process their grief on their own timeline.
- Offer a listening ear instead of encouragement. Let them talk, vent, cry, or just sit in silence. Everyone expresses grief differently.
- That said, it's important to make sure they understand that accepting the situation doesn't mean that they will never have those other feelings again, because they're cyclical in nature. If you want to be helpful, do your best to normalize the grief process and help them understand the stages they'll go through.
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Call them to check in regularly. It can be a quick catch up every few weeks, or a multi-hour marathon conversation that lasts until sunrise. Or somewhere in between. What matters is that you stay in touch and remind them that they are still needed and loved. [16] X Research source
- This is a great option if you live far away or don’t have the kind of relationship for home visits.
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Bring them food. Grief disrupts a person's life in every way, and a grieving parent may be too emotionally exhausted to cook. Delivering a home-cooked meal or yummy takeout food can be a really thoughtful gesture. [17] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
- You can also have them over for lunch or dinner, or take them out for food sometime.
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Offer to help with a specific task or chore. Try to avoid vague statements like, "Can I do anything?" Instead, get specific. If you know their lawn is overgrown and they haven’t had time to mow it, offer to do it for them. If it snowed last night, offer to shovel their driveway. Do they need groceries? Can you recommend a good grief counselor, if they’re looking for one? Pay attention to their specific needs, whatever they are, and try to address those needs if you can. [18] X Research source
- Try to be mindful of people’s privacy and autonomy. Some grieving parents may want all the help they can get, while others may cope with their grief by taking the reins and doing things themselves.
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Keep them in your life. Keep sending them your holiday cards and family photos as you normally would. Call them, visit them, invite them over, or have them join you for Thanksgiving. The specifics are up to you. What matters is that you stay present in their lives. [19] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If they’re an acquaintance like a neighbor or coworker, just treat them well. Make small talk in the break room. Say good morning as you pass each other on the way out of the house. Small gestures like these can mean a lot.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about support someone facing loss, check out our in-depth interview with Joseph Phillips .
References
- ↑ https://www.bannerhealth.com/healthcareblog/better-me/navigating-grief-after-the-traumatic-loss-of-a-loved-one-or-friend
- ↑ https://www.brandeis.edu/now/2009/november/socialproblems-release.html
- ↑ https://www.bannerhealth.com/healthcareblog/better-me/navigating-grief-after-the-traumatic-loss-of-a-loved-one-or-friend
- ↑ https://www.overdoselifeline.org/remove-the-stigma/
- ↑ https://www.compassionatefriends.org/death-adult-child/
- ↑ https://www.compassionatefriends.org/death-adult-child/
- ↑ https://www.who.int/news-room/spotlight/why-we-need-to-talk-about-losing-a-baby
- ↑ https://wisqars.cdc.gov/data/lcd/home
- ↑ https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2020/5-Common-Myths-About-Suicide-Debunked
- ↑ https://www.thetaxadviser.com/issues/2013/feb/clinic-story-06.html
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stressing-communication/201906/formula-providing-emotional-support
- ↑ https://www.self.com/story/things-you-should-never-say-to-someone-grieving
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stressing-communication/201906/formula-providing-emotional-support
- ↑ https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/supporting-a-grieving-family-member-or-friend
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving
- ↑ https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/supporting-a-grieving-family-member-or-friend
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
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