How to Get Closure

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Closure can mean different things for different people, and a 2015 study suggests that having a high need for closure can greatly affect a person's ability to make decisions that would allow them to press forward. [1] You may be seeking closure after a long relationship ends, after the death of a loved one, after a traumatic childhood event, or to overcome feelings of guilt for hurting someone in the past. Regardless of the specific circumstance, however, there are some essential strategies that you can use to satisfy your need for closure and move on.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Identifying Your Emotions

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  1. There are lots of different reasons why you might want to get closure on something. For example, you might want closure regarding a breakup, something bad that happened to you as a child, or something that you did to someone else. Whatever the situation or your reasons for wanting to get closure, you will need to identify them to move forward. [2]
    • Try to pinpoint the situation that you are seeking closure for and the reasons why you want to get closure. What person or experience are you holding on to and why? [3]
    • For example, perhaps you were bullied when you were a child and it's still affecting your life and self-esteem. Or, perhaps you suffered the effects of domestic violence when you were growing up.
    • Keep in mind that seeking closure for something traumatic that happened to you can be difficult without the help of a trained mental health professional. Consider seeking help from a counselor before you begin this process.
  2. Rather, plan a roadmap of the progress you hope to make. Now that you know how you feel about what happened, think about how you would like to feel. What would it help you to know? What do you want for yourself? [4]
    • For instance, closure might mean that you get your self-esteem back after a breakup, in which case you should plan to focus on yourself, let go of thoughts of your ex, have fun with friends, and eventually start dating again. Or, closure might mean that you stop replaying an incident from your childhood over in your head.
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  3. Writing about what happened is a good way to understand it better and start working towards closure. Writing can also help you to clarify your feelings about what happened. [5] However, keep in mind that writing about your feelings is often the most difficult part of getting closure, so you should do this in the safety of a trained therapist's office. [6]
    • Reflect on the situation for which you are seeking closure and write down as many details as you can. Try to write out exactly what happened, every detail you remember, and how each part of it made you feel.
  4. Not having closure can interfere with your work life and your daily routines, which is why some people hurry into closure. However, working towards closure can bring up lots of painful emotions. Make sure that you work with a professional as you try to get closure.
    • A therapist can help you by using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques or gestalt therapy techniques. [7] These techniques should not be used without the guidance of a therapist.
    • If you are experiencing feelings of depression, loss of interest in living, or suicidal thoughts, then contact your doctor right away.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Expressing Your Emotions

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  1. If the people you seek closure from are alive, then you may also choose to tell them how you have been impacted by the painful events. This is not always helpful, but it may help you to move on. If you think that it would be helpful to get answers to your questions, or to accuse someone face to face, then confrontation may be a good option.
    • For example, if you want to confront a childhood bully to gain closure on the pain that he or she caused you, then you may consider confronting him or her.
    • Bring someone with you. You may speak to the person or people alone, but go with a loved one. You may feel weak or panicky afterward, and it will be a great help to have someone you trust nearby.
    • If a confrontation is interesting to you, but a face-to-face encounter is unappealing or impossible, write a letter or make a call.
    • If the person you need to confront is deceased, write a letter anyway. Talk to their surviving acquaintances if you have questions.
    • Don't expect those you confront to automatically acknowledge what you experienced. They may resist taking blame, or contradict your claims. Go only if you are sure you will be satisfied just by saying what you have to say, no matter what the reaction.
  2. Forgiveness means you are choosing to move on from feelings of anger and resentment. Forgiveness does not mean you are saying that what happened was right. Choose to forgive in order to achieve personal peace. [8]
    • You can forgive others, and you can also forgive yourself for small choices you made that brought you pain. For example, you might forgive a bully who used to pick on you or you might forgive yourself for not standing up for your little brother when your father would hit him.
  3. If you were in the wrong, apologize even if it is painful. You will have no ability to move forward from a situation you regret if you feel the added guilt of not having apologized. Apologize without expecting any sort of forgiveness from the person or people you have wronged: the apology must be freely given. [9]
    • To apologize, state that you are sorry. Say you regret what happened, and explain what you did that was wrong. Follow this by expressing regret at how you made the other person feel, and ask for forgiveness. You can also say that you do not expect forgiveness.
    • You can write an email or a letter, or you can speak to the person you wronged face to face. If they are not ready to talk, accept that boundary.
    • You might say, "I'm really sorry that I blew up at you last week. I feel terrible about losing my cool, as you had every right to say what you said, and I should have taken it calmly. I'm sorry for making you feel bad, and for embarrassing you in public. Will you forgive me? I don't deserve it, but your friendship means the world to me and I would feel its loss acutely." [10]
  4. If confronting or apologizing to the person is not an option, then another option is to write a letter that you do not intend to send. [11] You can use this letter to get everything off of your chest and say whatever you need to say and then destroy the letter when you are finished.
    • For example, you might write a letter to your father to tell him that you are angry for the way he abused your little brother when you were kids.
    • Remember that you do not need to send this letter. It is just a way for you to express your feelings. You can burn the letter or tear it into little pieces after you are done with it.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward

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  1. Focus on how moving past your negative feelings will improve your life. For example, will you be more courageous because you are no longer dwelling on your bully? Will you be able to love yourself better because you are no longer filled with guilt over not protecting your brother? Try to identify as many positive outcomes of getting closure and focus on those positives. [12]
    • You might also consider creating a mantra to help you stay focused on the positives. For example, you might repeat to yourself, "I believe that this experience made me a stronger person" or "Everything happens for a reason."
  2. Another good way to stay positive and keep looking ahead is to practice gratitude. Practicing gratitude has been linked with better physical and mental health. [13] It can also be a part of your closure process.
    • Try making a list of five things that you are grateful for every day. You can write these in a journal or just write them on a sticky note.
    • You might also try writing about why you are grateful for the experience that you had. For example, if you sought closure for the pain caused by a bully, you might feel grateful that the experience made you a more compassionate and kind person. Or, if you sought closure for not sticking up for your younger brother, then you might feel grateful that the experience brought you closer to your brother in the end.
  3. Although forgiveness does not imply reconciliation, you might find closure in rebuilding a relationship. Do this with caution, as not all relationships can be rebuilt in a healthy way. If you do choose to reconcile, go about it slowly. You will need to be honest about how you feel, and those you wish to reconcile with will need to acknowledge your experience and be honest in return. [14]
    • Instead of leaping into the same depth of intimacy as before, try setting dates to do activities together, and taking space in between. That way you'll have time to reflect on how you feel between visits.
    • Even if you live with the person you seek reconciliation with, you can make plans and take space. For instance, plan to have dinner with your partner. The next day, make a plan with a friend. Take space within the relationship until your trust feels strong.
  4. In cases of short painful relationships or long and traumatic ones, make an official decision to remove someone from your life. Remember, you have the right to end contact with someone who has abused you, even if that abuser is a family member. You are under no obligation to care for those who have tried to harm you. [15]
    • It can be especially hard to cut ties with someone with whom you have a familial obligation.
    • Explain to others in your life why you have made your decision, and ask them to respect it. Ask not to receive updates about the person you have cut out, and that no information about you should be carried to that person.
    • You are under no obligation to share information about your life with anyone who does not respect these limits.
  5. Getting closure for a negative experience or traumatic event may take years. Try to be patient as you go through this process. Celebrate your successes along the way as well and continue to work towards your goal of getting closure.
    • Make sure that you allow yourself to experience your emotions rather than cover them up with alcohol or drugs. Drinking and using drugs will only numb you temporarily. It will not help you to get closure.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4508368/
      2. ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201104/5-ways-find-closure-the-past
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201104/5-ways-find-closure-the-past
      5. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-health-benefits-of-journaling/
      6. ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
      7. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/psychotherapy/approaches
      8. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-forgive-someone
      9. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-say-sorry-and-mean-it
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201311/the-five-ingredients-effective-apology
      2. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=2
      3. ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.
      4. ↑ http://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/reconciling-relationship-conflicts#1
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2019/10/its-okay-to-cut-ties-with-toxic-family-members

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Closure can be what you need after ending a long relationship, experiencing the death of a loved one, or letting go of a traumatic experience. It typically involves forgiving those who have hurt you so you can find some personal peace. You’ll also need to apologize to others if you’ve harmed them. If you can and want to face the person you're seeking closure from, call them or send them an email to see if you can set up a meeting. Otherwise, you can write them a letter expressing your feelings. If the person you need closure from is deceased, you can still write a letter to express your feelings more fully. Remember that gaining closure after a negative experience can take years to fully achieve, so be patient with yourself as you work toward your goal. To learn how to use gratitude to move forward, keep reading!

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