Why Is She Acting Hot and Cold? Possible Reasons + Expert-Backed Tips

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Learn why she’s acting distant and what to do when she goes cold
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Are you getting mixed signals from your crush or your partner? Maybe one day you two are totally fine, and the next day, she won’t even talk to you. While it can be confusing when someone gives you the cold shoulder, there’s almost always a reason why it’s happening (and figuring out that reason will help you decide what to do next). We’ll share with you the possible reasons why you might be getting the silent treatment, as well as what you can do to open up the line of communication again. To get all your questions answered, read on.

Things You Should Know

  • A woman might give you the cold shoulder if she’s hurt or upset.
  • She might also give you the cold shoulder if the relationship is moving too fast or she’s not interested in you anymore.
  • To handle the cold shoulder, open the line of communication and ask her about it.
  • Try to get her to open up and talk about her feelings instead of shutting you out.
Method 1
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Possible Reasons

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  1. A lot of people use the silent treatment because they aren’t sure how to approach someone about a conflict. Maybe you two got in a fight, or you did something that hurt her feelings. This could be why she’s shutting you out—she doesn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with whatever it is right now. [1]
    • Using the silent treatment isn’t a great way to deal with conflicts, because it keeps the line of communication closed. However, many people don’t have the emotional intelligence to talk about their feelings clearly, so they bottle them up and ignore the person who hurt them.
  2. Do you find yourself getting mixed messages constantly? One day she’s hot, and the next day she’s cold. Some women like a guy to “chase” them, or work hard for their attention. She may be ignoring you because she wants you to put more effort into the relationship. [2]
    • Playing hard to get isn’t the most mature way to handle a budding relationship, and it can often break down communication pathways.
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  3. People who are passive-aggressive show their negative emotions in a subtle, indirect way. This is similar to being hurt or upset by something you did, but it’s slightly more nefarious—she’s punishing you by withholding her attention. Fortunately, people who are passive-aggressive can learn to speak openly about their feelings instead of keeping them inside, especially if you talk to them about it . [3]
    • We’re all passive-aggressive sometimes, and while it’s not the healthiest way to communicate with other people, it definitely sends a message.
  4. In some cases, a person might be feeling vulnerable or like the relationship is moving too fast. She may be pulling away because she wants to take back that control: she’s scared of falling in love or developing feelings. [4]
    • This is especially likely if she’s been hurt by relationships in the past.
  5. Maybe her job just got super busy, or maybe she’s swamped with school work. If you’re noticing a change in her communication patterns, there’s a good chance it has absolutely nothing to do with you—she might just be pulling back because she needs a break from everything. [5]
    • If you two haven’t been dating for long (or you’re not quite dating yet), she might not feel comfortable opening up to you about the problems in her life.
  6. Maybe you two had been in the honeymoon phase for a while now—the relationship is fresh, new, and exciting. During that phase, it’s normal for couples to talk more often than usual. However, once the honeymoon phase is over, people tend to change a bit. It could be that she prefers to chat with you a little less than you’d like to chat with her. [6]
    • It’s important to talk about these things with your date, especially if you’re feeling bad. Talk to her about how often you’d like to chat, text, or hang out throughout the week, and see how she feels, too.
  7. In some cases, a woman will give you the cold shoulder instead of telling you that she doesn’t want to see you. [7] This is similar to ghosting: maybe she takes a really long time to respond to your messages, or she won’t make concrete plans with you anymore.
    • Other signs of ghosting include one-word, impersonal responses and the other person never initiating the conversation.
    • If she just isn’t interested in you , the mature thing would be to let you know. However, if she’s scared of confrontation or she’s worried about hurting your feelings, she might be trying to let the relationships slowly fade away (especially if you’ve only been dating for a little bit).
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Method 2
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What to Do Next

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  1. Reach out to her and let her know that you’ve noticed she’s giving you the cold shoulder. Try not to blame or shame her—instead, let her know that you’d like to hear what’s bothering her and talk about what she’s going through. [8]
    • “Hey, I noticed you’ve been a little quiet lately. Is everything okay?”
    • “Just checking in. How are you doing? You’ve seemed a little down the past few days. Want to talk about it?”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 681 wikiHow readers what they’d do if they noticed a lack of connection in their relationship, and 49% of them agreed that they would initiate a conversation with their partner to address the issue . [Take Poll]
  2. Dealing with the silent treatment isn’t easy, but she might be going through tough emotions, too. Let her know that while you understand she might be feeling hurt, confused, or frustrated, giving you the cold shoulder is making you feel a little upset, too. [9]
    • “I totally understand if you’re feeling hurt or upset right now, but giving me the silent treatment makes me feel like you don’t care.”
    • “I want to be there for you, but I can’t if you just keep ignoring me. I want to hear about what you’re thinking and feeling.”
  3. If you know that she’s going through a tough time right now, some words of encouragement might be just what she needs. Let her know that you’re here for her whenever she’s ready to talk. [10]
    • “I just want you to know I’m here for you if you need me, but I respect that you need space.”
    • “I know work has been crazy for you. Let me know if I can do anything to help out.”
  4. Getting around the cold shoulder is all about finding a new way to connect with each other. As you reach out, let her know gently that you’re open to talking, either in person, over the phone, or via text message. [11]
    • “I’d really like to hear what you have to say. Maybe we could go grab a coffee this weekend?”
    • “If you don’t feel up to meeting in person, we could always talk over the phone. I’m free any night after work this week.”
  5. If you can feel her pulling away and you think she’s losing feelings, it’s best to ask her about it. Let her know that you can tell she hasn’t really been the same lately, and you’d like to know if she’s still interested or not. [12]
    • “We haven’t been connecting much lately. Do you still want to see each other?”
    • “I know we’ve only been dating for a few weeks, but it feels like you’re pulling back. Are you having second thoughts?”
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Relationships shouldn't be a guessing game. If you wonder if you're valued, take stock of the dynamic at play. Communication problems and a lack of give-and-take might be early signs of problems within a relationship.

  6. Getting the cold shoulder isn’t fun, and some people may use it as a way to punish or even abuse their partner. If you find that you’re constantly dealing with the silent treatment, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship together. [13]
    • Give your partner a chance to work on things by saying something like, “I care about you a lot, and I want this relationship to work. But you can’t keep shutting me out like this.”
    • Or, “I don’t want to part ways, but getting the silent treatment every week isn’t fun for me. I really need us to work on communicating with each other.”
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/how-to-deal-with-the-silent-treatment/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-we-need-is-love/202007/whos-playing-hard-get-who-s-attracted-it-and-why
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/therapy-soup/2014/11/the-silent-treatment-and-what-you-can-do-to-stop-it-cold#1
      4. ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/is-silent-treatment-ever-ok-abuse/
      5. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/stress/signs-and-symptoms-of-stress/
      6. ↑ https://www.raq.org.au/blog/how-long-honeymoon-phase
      7. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/one-sided-relationships
      8. ↑ https://counselling-matters.org.uk/the-silent-treatment-6-helpful-responses/
      9. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/healthy-relationships/top-tips-building-and-maintaining-healthy-relationships
      1. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-to-know-partner/
      2. ↑ https://healthyrelationshipsinitiative.org/reconnecting-with-your-partner/
      3. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/
      4. ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/377187686_When_Silence_Speaks_Exploring_Reasons_of_Silent_Treatment_from_Perspective_of_Source

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