Hi! So, I actually went through a very similar situation a while back. To me, it sounds that you, like me, have trouble empathising with other people, and may even be close to sociopathy, but I don’t want to jump the gun. Anyway, what I found works is just trying to understand people better, socially, biologically, subconsciously, however you can. I have read nearly article I could find on interpreting body language, or non-verbal communication as it’s officially called. In order to truly be able to understand people, you have to be able to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine a situation you’ve been in similar to the one you are currently in. Ask yourself, What do I know about this person? If I were them, how would I react? What would I want? The key thing here is to take your time. Always think about what you’re going to say long and hard before you say it. Don’t ask your ex why they broke up with you, either. That may sound like a good idea, but trust me, they need space, and no offence, but you are probably the last person they want to talk to right now, if only because they have extremely conflicted feelings about you. Even if you get on un-awkward speaking terms with them again, don’t bring it up. Let sleeping dogs lie, right? They don’t want to talk about it, and they might never. If they are ever willing to talk about it, they’ll come to you, rest assured. It sucks, but the best thing you can do is wait this one out. I highly doubt she meant most of the things she said to you, about you being arrogant, prideful, etc. Your questions leaving her speechless? She was like a cornered animal, and you were throwing rocks at her, so she bit you back. It might not seem like it, but she’s hurting at least as much as you are. Apologise, even if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and then leave her alone. She might not say she forgives you in fact, she probably won’t, but the point of apologising is not to receive forgiveness; that’s just a nice bonus. You need to let her know that you are truly sorry, and demanding forgiveness is going to ruin that image. If you’re still on good terms with any of her friends, however, you might try asking them about what’s up with her and what you can do. If they tell you off, accept their request and leave them alone. Hang out with your friends and just do what you can to heal. You need to remember to take care of yourself, even though that will feel really low on your priority list. Suicide is never an option, and if you seriously consider it, try talking to a counsellor or psychiatrist.
Getting back on the subject of how to become a better person, hold on to any criticism, focus on it, and work to solve it. You mentioned her complaining about your dependency to games? Maybe try cutting back. I can tell you from the receiving end that trying to spend time with a gaming addict is one of the more frustrating things anyone can experience. Try setting limits for yourself, like maybe only half an hour a day, or only once a week. When you have company, try to avoid them altogether, unless you’re with a fellow gamer. Also, in conversation, try to steer the topic away from you and your life. Talking about yourself is not a sign of narcissism. Naturally, you know more about yourself than you do any other topic, and so feel more comfortable talking about it, and will almost always resort to that when nervous. That’s sadly not how it will be perceived unfortunately, instead as self-centredness and/or narcissism.
For a more general plan, change your mindset. Tell yourself that everyone’s problems are always more important than your own. It sounds depressing to say that, and it is, I’m not even going to sugar-coat it. You said you wanted to hear what you needed to hear, and you’re absolutely right. If I could go back in time and talk to myself, this is what I’d say, because this is what I thought in my head non-stop for months. Don’t go extreme with it, taking care of yourself is always a priority. But helping other people solve their problems will not only make their lives better and make you feel better about yourself, but it is the first step in becoming a better person. That’s actually why I joined wikiHow in all honesty, so you’re on the right path. But yeah, helping people, if it’s something as small as loaning them a pencil, saying Keep The Change, or a bigger commitment such as making yourself someone’s personal therapist, anything you can do. Another thing is to free yourself of any biases or grudges. I probably shouldn’t be lecturing you on this, as I haven’t been such an angel in this department. When I say biases, I don’t just mean the big ones like racism, sexism, or homophobia, but the little things. I, for example, am unfortunately biased against jocks, which I’ve had trouble working on when they always prove me right. Grudges are equally hard, but you need to let go. Whether it be the popular kids who bullied you in sixth grade, or the jerk harassing you in the hallways everyday, you need to offer forgiveness even when it isn’t asked for. This also rings true for your now-ex-girlfriend. You might just feel sad and/or depressed now, but rest assured those feelings will turn bitter and grow into resentment over time if allowed to cultivate. You need to forgive her every day, even if you never say it aloud to anyone. This is all about mentality.
Addressing your concluding concern, maybe stay away from concupiscent relationships until you’re certain you’re a better person. As of next month, it will have been a year since my own breakup, and I still swear to myself that I won’t date again; not yet. For you, it may come quicker, or it may not. My point is that this won’t be easy, and it certainly won’t happen overnight. You need patience, dedication, and a willingness to back away from what hurts so you don’t mess up even worse.
I hope I addressed everything. If I think of anything else, I’ll let you know. If you have any questions, you can ask here, on my talk page, or you can email me at wolfsbaneshadow25270@gmail.com
. You’ve come to the right place, and I can personally guarantee that each and every person on this site will be more than willing to help you as they have me.
Cheers!
