11 Signs You're Ready to Start a Family

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Questions to ask yourself to see if you're ready to be a parent
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Have you started fantasizing about what life with your partner would be like if you had a little one running around at home? Planning and starting a family is a huge next step, and in truth, you’ll never be totally prepared, but there are signs that might tell you that it's your time. We spoke with clinical psychologist Steven Hensky to compile a list of signs and questions to ask yourself to see if you’re ready.

Common Signs You’re Ready for Kids

  1. You’re financially secure, with a steady income.
  2. You and your partner agree that you want kids.
  3. You agree with your partner on how to raise kids.
  4. You have a support system ready to help you raise children.
  5. You’re prepared for change, and can handle the unexpected.
1

You and your partner agree about having kids.

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  1. Licensed clinical psychologist Steven Hesky says that making sure you and your spouse are on the same page about children is key. [1] Even if you decide you’re ready to start a family , your partner may have a different outlook on their life. Sit down with your partner and ask them if and when they picture a family in their future, and let them know how you’re feeling about the subject.
    • You might say, “I feel that we’re at a point in our relationship where we might start thinking about children, and want to know how you feel about it.”
    • Respect your partner’s choice if they’re not ready yet. They may warm up to the idea the more they think about it.
    • Ask yourselves: How many kids do we want? Do we want them now, or is it better to wait? There’s no right or wrong answer, but it’s helpful to explore these questions.
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2

You feel secure in your relationship.

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  1. While you can raise a family as a single parent, it’ll be a lot easier knowing that you can rely on your partner to handle some of the responsibilities, too. If your partner makes you feel safe and loved, and if they’re someone you picture yourself with for the long run, then it’s a good sign that you’re ready to start your family. [2]
    • If you’re single, think about things like your financial and family situation. Do you have a stable job? Do you have family or friends willing to help out?
    • Ask yourself: Do I see myself with my partner in 10, even 20 years? Can I see them as a loving and productive parent? They’re tough questions, but ones you have to ask.
3

You feel excited to raise a family.

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  1. Having kids isn’t a shortcut to happiness, nor will it magically improve a relationship. Clinical psychologist Steven Hesky tells us that the best motivation is wanting kids for kids’ sake, with all the trials and tribulations included. [3] There’s going to be some ups and downs of raising a family, but the important part is that you still look forward to the time you get to spend together.
    • If you want a family because you feel external pressure, it might be best to hold off, and revisit the matter when that pressure isn’t a factor.
    • Ask yourself: Why do I want kids? Am I hoping a family will make me happy? Do I only want them because I think it’s something I should want, or other people want for me?
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4

You’re emotionally mature and stable.

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  1. Kids need to have a positive environment when they’re growing up to help them develop emotionally. Work on building up your confidence and independence to make sure you can take care of yourself first. Once you feel like you’re in a good place mentally, it’ll be a better time to start your family. [4]
    • If you’re feeling anxious or depressed, tell your partner about your feelings and see if there’s anything they can do to help.
    • Ask yourself: How do I handle conflict and pressure, right now? Is there emotional baggage I might pass on or take out on my kids? How can I improve myself?
5

You’re physically healthy.

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  1. Being pregnant, supporting a pregnant partner, and caring for a new baby can take a toll. As time goes on, you’ll want to have the energy to keep up with your kids and play with them. Get a check-up from your doctor and ask if they think you’re ready to start a family. They may give some medical advice to help you prepare. [5]
    • Remember that if you plan on getting pregnant, your body will go through a lot of changes before you give birth, too, and it will change your lifestyle.
    • If you’re unable to have biological children, remember that adopting is an option, though it comes with its own set of challenges.
    • Ask yourself: Do I have any preexisting conditions that might interfere with parenthood? Do I have enough help to physically watch and raise a child?
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    The key to a happy future family is feeling your best. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's essential. Don't hesitate to prioritize healthy activities like exercise, hobbies, or relaxation. When you're feeling energized and fulfilled, it's easy to create a positive environment for your family.

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6

You’re willing to sacrifice personal time.

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  1. You won’t always have the time for traveling, going out, or doing your hobbies as you’re raising children. But spending time with your family and growing together can be just as rewarding! You can still do the things you love, you just may have to squeeze some extra time into your schedule for them. [6]
    • Ask yourself: Am I okay sacrificing my passions in exchange for the joys of parenthood? Am I okay trading time with friends for time with my family? Am I ready to accept that raising kids is a full-time job?
7

You have a steady income.

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  1. When you factor in food, clothes, and all the other necessities, it can cost around $13,000 USD or more every year to raise a child until they’re an adult. [7] Clinical psychologist Steven Hesky recommends making sure you and your partner have income enough to provide for yourselves and any new additions to your family. [8]
    • Don’t forget to factor in the costs of hospital bills for check-ups and childbirth if you plan on getting pregnant.
    • Also consider if you can afford to be a stay-at-home parent, childcare, and how you and your spouse will split the costs of raising a child.
    • Ask yourself: Does my job allow for parental leave? Am I comfortable giving up luxuries in exchange for childcare needs? Am I willing to work more to support a family?
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8

You’ve got a financial safety net.

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  1. It could be a big hit to your wallet if you have a medical emergency, go through a change in career, or take time off for maternity or paternity leave. [9] Save money by tucking any extra you have aside. Review your finances and set up a savings account if you don’t already have one.
    • Look for ways to cut costs from your life right now, such as shopping second-hand instead of buying new items or packing meals instead of eating out.
    • Ask yourself: Do I have health insurance? Life insurance? Can I add a child to my insurance? Will my family be able to support themselves if something happens to me?
9

You’re prepared to handle the unexpected.

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  1. Clinical psychologist Steven Hesky reminds us that “you can’t really be prepared” for kids, and everything that comes with them. [10] But you can prepare yourself for the unexpected. While you might want life to take you in one direction, embrace feeling comfortable if things don’t go according to plan. If you can stay reasonably cool and manage when things go awry in life, you may be ready.
    • Ask yourself: Am I ready for the possibility of twins, or even triplets? Do I feel flexible enough to make certain compromises, like on education, if necessary?
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10

You’re confident in your family values.

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  1. It’s important to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner about this. Talk with them about how you want to talk to and parent your children , what values you want them to learn, and how you want to manage conflicts. If you feel like you have a solid plan for starting a family, then you could be ready. [11]
    • You can always take parenting classes to help you learn some of the basics of raising children, like how to discipline them and handle confrontations.
    • Ask to babysit children for a friend or family member so you can get an idea of what it would be like taking care of a child of your own.
    • Ask yourself: Do I want to raise my children to be religious? Am I ready to approach topics of gender and sexuality with them? Am I ready to accept my child’s own identity?
11

You have support from your friends and family.

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  1. While your partner’s support is really important, think about all the people outside of your relationship that you can lean on too, especially if you’re single. Ask the people you’re close with if they think it’s a good idea to start a family and listen to their advice. If they think it’s a great next step for you, then they’ll be honest and tell you. [12]
    • Think ahead to when you actually have children too to see if you have people that could babysit or help you out at home when you’re busy.
    • Ask yourself: Is there someone who can reliably watch the kids when I can’t? Will I have to pay for childcare?
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How Does Having Children Change Your Relationship?


Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What is the ideal age to start a family?
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Steven Hesky is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 37 years of experience. He specializes in long-term psychotherapy with adults and adolescents. His training includes Freudian, Jungian, and Existential approaches to psychotherapy, hypnosis, family therapy, marriage counseling, and biofeedback. Dr. Hesky holds a BA in Philosophy from Lake Forest College and an MA and PhD in Existential Clinical Psychology from Duquesne University.
    Steven Hesky, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Being on the same page with your partner is more important than being the right age. A lot of times, people tend to think that they're never ready for kids until they actually have them.
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      Tips

      • Remember that the questions in this article, and your answers to them, aren’t make or break. People in all circumstances have kids every day! But asking these questions may help you prepare.
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      References

      1. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201605/the-baby-effect-are-you-ready
      3. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
      4. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK402020/
      5. ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-life/routines-rituals-relationships/strong-families
      6. ↑ https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2014/01/family
      7. ↑ https://www.usda.gov/media/blog/2017/01/13/cost-raising-child
      8. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
      9. ↑ https://www.parents.com/pregnancy/considering-baby/is-it-time/are-you-ready-for-a-baby/
      1. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.first5california.com/en-us/articles/the-most-surprising-and-unexpected-aspects-of-becoming-a-parent/
      3. ↑ https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2014/01/family

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