How to Respond when an Ex Reaches Out

PDF download Download Article
PDF download Download Article

Exes have an uncanny way of coming back into your life right after you get over them. If you just got a random text, DM, or phone call from your ex, you might be feeling a little confused (or even nervous). Fortunately, by figuring out what you want, you can come up with a plan to respond while keeping your cool. Read through this article for everything you need to know before responding to your ex.

1

Pause before you respond.

  1. Taking a pause lets you calm down and evaluate your emotions. When you get a random text from your ex, it can bring up a lot of emotions. Replying to a text or a call too quickly can be a bad thing—if you haven’t thought things through yet, you might end up saying something that you regret. Always give yourself time (an hour is good) to pause when an ex reaches out. [1]
    • Plus, replying too quickly can make it seem like you were sitting by the phone waiting for them to reach out.
    2. Advertisement
2

Figure out how you feel.

  1. Do you still have feelings for your ex? Do you want to get back together with them? How do you envision this conversation going? Be honest with yourself, and have a goal in mind before you reply. [2]
    • Try to think about how your ex might be feeling, too. For instance, if you two just broke up a few weeks ago and your ex hasn’t moved on yet, they might want to get back together. But, if it’s been months and your ex is in a new relationship, they might just be feeling nostalgic.
3

Be casual and polite to keep things friendly.

  1. Try not to immediately dive into questions or beg them to get back together with you. Instead, reply to their message like you would anyone else. This can help foster a casual relationship with your ex, which is great if you want to be friends with them. [3]
    • “Hey! I’m so glad you reached out. I wanted to ask you for some advice.”
    • “I was just going to message you! How have you been?”
    • You can be polite and stay in contact with your ex while still making it clear that you're not interested. [4]
    2. Advertisement
4

Ask them why they reached out if you’re confused.

  1. Maybe they just sent a cryptic “Hey,” or they’re messaging you about things you did together in the past. Ask them why, exactly, they’re reaching out to you now, and what they’d like to get out of the interaction. [5]
    • “It’s good to hear from you. Can I ask why you reached out?”
    • “How come you decided to text me now? It’s been so long since we last talked.”
5

Hear them out if they want closure.

  1. If that’s the case, it’s up to you whether or not you want to chat with them about the history of your relationship. If your relationship was a toxic one or you’re not ready to forgive them yet, feel free to ignore their message. But, if you think you might benefit from chatting with your ex about what happened, feel free to listen to what they have to say. [6]
    • “I’m interested to hear what you think about our breakup. Maybe it will give us both some closure.”
    • “I’m open to chatting with you, but I’m not sure if I’ve forgiven you yet. The breakup was really hard for me.”
    2. Advertisement
6

Try not to lead them on if you're not interested.

  1. If that’s the case, it’s best not to respond to their messages at all. Keeping in contact with someone who still has feelings for you can really hurt them, and it won’t make you feel very good, either. [7]
    • This is especially true if you have another partner. You don’t want to give your ex hope and hurt your new significant other in the process.
7

Ignore them if you aren’t ready to talk.

  1. If you’re still recovering from the breakup or you don’t want to get involved with them again, read their message and then delete it. It’s totally up to you whether or not you want to talk to your ex again, and ignoring them is a great way to keep them out of your life. [8]
    • Sometimes, exes will try to worm their way back into your life when they see you thriving. If you’re doing super well and your ex isn’t, they might be reaching out because they regret breaking things off with you.
    • You might also want to ignore their message if you’re dating someone new. Responding to an ex can be hurtful to a new partner, which is the last thing you want if your relationship is going well.
    • Don’t feel obligated to respond or react if your ex tries to send you a gift, either.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 583 wikiHow readers who've had exes send them gifts after a breakup, and 66% of them agreed that the best way to handle the situation is by ignoring them. [Take Poll]
    2. Advertisement
8

Try not to get your hopes up if you want to get back together.

  1. Exes reach out for a lot of reasons, and wanting a relationship again might be one of them. However, your ex might also be reaching out because they want closure, because they want to be friends, or because they just want to hook up one last time.
    • It can be a shock to get a random text or phone call from your ex. Although your mind might be racing, don’t assume you know what they want until they tell you.
9

Ask to meet up if you're hoping to rekindle the relationship.

  1. If your ex reaching out seems like a blessing in disguise, you might still have feelings for them. Put some feelers out by letting your ex know that you want to hang out or have a chat with them. If they agree, they might just be open to getting back together with you. [9]
    • “Hey, it’s nice to hear from you again. Wanna grab coffee this week?”
    • “I’m glad you texted me. I have something I wanna talk to you about. Can you come over soon?”
    2. Advertisement
10

Work through any problems before getting back together.

  1. While the idea of romancing your ex again might be tempting, think about why you broke up in the first place. If those same issues are just going to rise to the surface, you might not want to get back together (especially if you haven’t talked about those problems yet). [10]
    • These push-pull relationships can really take a toll on your mental health. The constant questioning and worry about your relationship rarely leads to a healthy, beneficial partnership.
11

Reply to any late-night messages the next day.

  1. Chatting with your drunk ex probably isn’t something you want to spend your Friday night doing, and they might not remember all of it in the morning, anyway. If your ex reaches out past 10 pm, leave them on read until the next morning. [11]
    • Definitely don’t respond to any “You up?” texts, since that could mean your ex is looking for a booty call.
    2. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Search
Add New Question
  • Question
    How should you respond if your ex sends flirty texts?
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach
    Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Keep your reply polite but businesslike—don't use any emojis, either. This gives a subtle but clear hint that you aren't interested.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 25 Helpful 77
  • Question
    What should you do when your ex wants to meet you in person to talk and explain why he dumped you but at the moment you have someone you love? Is it okay to meet up?
    Rtmarchese
    Community Answer
    Reply “I’m in a relationship now and he/she wouldn’t feel comfortable with me meeting you.”
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 21 Helpful 80
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Kiss
      How to
      Turn on a Guy
      How to
      Impress a Girl with Words
      What Are the Bases in a Relationship? Defining the Baseball-Sex Metaphor
      100+ Loving, Funny & Appreciative Birthday Wishes for Your Girlfriend
      How to
      Tell if Your Girlfriend Is Horny: 12 Signs She's Turned On
      100+ Good Morning Texts for Her (& Other Ways to Make Her Smile)
      Celebrate Your One Month Anniversary with These Sweet Messages
      How to
      Make a Girl Feel Special Through Text
      Questions to Ask a Girl to Increase Intimacy
      11+ Heartfelt Messages to Make Your Girlfriend Feel Appreciated
      15 Sweet and Romantic Stories to Tell Your Girlfriend
      Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back
      The 25 Best (and Spiciest) Drinking Games to Play as a Couple
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/11/3-ways-to-better-understand-your-emotions
      2. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/shorts/_dCpip6ZFiM
      3. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5A30Xmv43c&t=371s
      4. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
      5. ↑ https://medium.com/illumination/the-random-text-from-your-ex-52acf82767f0
      6. ↑ https://psiloveyou.xyz/how-did-you-feel-when-your-ex-reached-out-to-you-df542b5896cf
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201609/what-it-means-to-stay-in-touch-with-an-ex
      8. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a28554493/no-contact-rule/
      9. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a23454847/how-to-get-back-together-ex/
      1. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21755653/
      2. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=87&v=W7iC-gHmZ2A&feature=youtu.be

      About This Article

      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 486,897 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Holly Ambrose

        Dec 15, 2022

        "It helped me to decide what to do next in a nicer way."
      More reader stories Hide reader stories
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement