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When you get home after spending time with your friend, how do you feel?

Dr. Adam Dorsay, a licensed psychologist, says the answer to that question will immediately โ€œsay a lot about whether or not this is a friendship thatโ€™s worth growing and investing in.โ€ [1]

Toxic friends leave you feeling drained, stressed, and let down. [2] You might even feel that stress creeping up into your jaw and your shoulders right now.

When you find yourself dreading the next text conversation or hangout with a friend, itโ€™s time to let that relationship go and free yourself .

Weโ€™ve put together a guide to give you 10 options and strategies to end your friendship and give yourself permission to pursue the new connections you deserve.

1

Confirm youโ€™re in a toxic friendship.

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  1. Ending a friendship isnโ€™t easy, but when you know exactly why youโ€™re leaving, youโ€™ll feel more confident when you hit โ€œsendโ€ on that text. Chances are, your gut feelings about your friend are right. But to validate your feelings, ask yourself these questions to spot the signs of toxic friends : [3]
    • โ€œDo I worry that theyโ€™ll take out their anger or frustration on me?โ€
    • โ€œDoes our friendship feel like an emotional roller coaster?โ€
    • โ€œDo they make me feel like I have to compete with their other friends?โ€
    • โ€œHow much time do they spend talking compared to how much time I spend talking? Do they really listen to me?โ€
    • โ€œAre they kind to me? Do they criticize me?โ€
    • โ€œHow often do they reach out to me to check in about how Iโ€™m doing? Do we each put equal effort into the friendship?โ€ [4]
    • "Do I feel like they're making an effort to grow and improve as a person?" [5]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 377 wikiHow readers to tell us what behavior most clearly shows that someone isn't a true friend, and 49% of them said: only calling me when they need something. [Take Poll] If your friend doesn't support you when you're down but always expects you to jump to their rescue, that's a strong indication that they're not a good friend.
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2

Consider offering a second chance.

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  1. Create a clear expectation for your friendโ€™s behavior and set a consequence if they donโ€™t respect the boundary. If they can meet the expectations, you might not have to end the friendship. However, if they disrespect your boundary or canโ€™t deal with it, you can end the friendship. They might even choose to stop hanging out with you once you set boundaries . [6]
    • For instance, if your friend continually asks you to go out to restaurants when you donโ€™t want to, try: โ€œHey, Quinn, Iโ€™ll hang out with you Friday, but I want to stay in. If you end up going out, Iโ€™ll sit this one out and stay home.โ€
    • If your friend frequently blames you for things, try: โ€œItโ€™s hard for me to speak to you when you blame me for things I didnโ€™t do. Please donโ€™t do that. If you continue, Iโ€™m going to stop responding.โ€
3

Ask to take a break from the friendship.

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  1. Make the text about your needs in life, rather than your friendโ€™s behavior. [7] This strategy is a good one if you still need time to figure out how you feel about the friendship. It can also work if you think theyโ€™re likely to blow up if you bring up their bad behavior. Just be prepared to back up your need for space with boundaries on communication (for example, donโ€™t reply if they bombard you with texts). Include how long you want the โ€œbreakโ€ to last.
    • โ€œSterling, Iโ€™ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, so Iโ€™m taking a month to refocus on myself. I donโ€™t want to text or get together during that time.โ€
    • โ€œI donโ€™t want to hang out for a few weeks. I need some time and space to figure some personal things out.โ€
    • โ€œHi Waverley, I really need some space from our friendship for a few weeks. Iโ€™m overwhelmed and canโ€™t give you my full attention and support.โ€
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4

Tell your friend how the friendship is hurting you.

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  1. Describe the situation, the behavior your friend engaged in, and the impact it had on you. [8] Then, transition into a statement about ending the friendship. Framing the text in that way lets you acknowledge and validate how you feel, and it can prevent the conversation from becoming a blame game.
    • Give an example of your friendโ€™s negative behavior plus an โ€œI feelโ€ statement: โ€œLast week, I felt really upset when you made that comment about my dating history, especially after I asked you not to.โ€
    • Then, describe the effect the behavior had on you: โ€œIt made me realize I need to be around people who support me and donโ€™t judge me.โ€
Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Is My Friend Toxic?

Friendships are all about offering support, sharing love, and keeping the good vibes flowingโ€ฆ but lately, your friend doesnโ€™t seem to pass the vibe check. Could the friendship be turning toxic, or is your friendship just going through a rough patch? Take this quiz to find out!
1 of 12

How often does your friend flake on plans?

5

Describe how youโ€™ve grown apart.

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  1. Emphasize that itโ€™s not about them and their behavior. Instead, say itโ€™s about where the two of you are in life, and mention how your interests, goals, and needs are different. Itโ€™s natural for friends to move into new phases of life and drift apart in the process. In fact, going through a life transition (like leaving for college, getting married, and changing jobs) is one of the most common reasons friendships end. [9]
    • โ€œNow that weโ€™re each in different places in life and have different interests, I think itโ€™s time we take some time apart to really explore our own individual paths.โ€
    • โ€œLately, Iโ€™ve been feeling like weโ€™re into different things. Iโ€™m really busy with my new job, and want to move on from our friendship to focus on that and rediscover my own hobbies and passions.โ€
    • โ€œDom, I feel like weโ€™ve grown apart recently. We donโ€™t even like to do the same things anymore.โ€
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6

State that you want to end the friendship.

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  1. Your toxic friend might try to argue with what youโ€™ve said or push you around. [10] When that happens, be polite but decisive, and let the other person know exactly what you want. Try out one of these examples to say that you want to end the friendship, once and for all:
    • โ€œI donโ€™t want to be friends anymore. This isnโ€™t healthy for either of us.โ€
    • โ€œI wish you the absolute best, but I canโ€™t support you as a friend anymore.โ€
    • โ€œI hope you can understand that I canโ€™t be in this friendship anymore.โ€
    • โ€œI canโ€™t be in this friendship anymore. I want friends who understand and support me where Iโ€™m at. I hope you find that, too.โ€
7

End the conversation if they get angry at you.

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  1. If the toxic friend starts to fight back or gets angry, donโ€™t engage. Trust your feelings and your decision to end the friendship, and cut the conversation short. [11]
    • Reiterate your main point: โ€œThis is how I feel. I donโ€™t want to argue about this, and I donโ€™t think we should be friends anymore.โ€
    • Stick to your boundaries: โ€œPlease stop texting me.โ€
    • Leave the situation: Stop responding, put your phone on airplane mode, or block their number if they continue trying to argue with you.
    • If your friend starts to apologize, ask yourself: โ€œHave they apologized before? Can I believe them?โ€ Many toxic people will repeatedly apologize without changing their behavior. [12] Go with your gut as you decide whether to accept the apology.
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8

Set expectations for your future communication.

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  1. Will you still hang out in group settings and with mutual friends? Just like you would in a romantic relationship breakup, consider what type of contact you want or donโ€™t want with your toxic friend. Weigh the value of spending time with mutual friends against the negative feelings of interacting with the toxic person. [13]
    • Draw lines on texting, calling, and face-to-face contact: โ€œI think itโ€™s best if we donโ€™t talk,โ€ or, โ€œI know weโ€™ll see each other in class, but Iโ€™d like to stop texting.โ€
    • Decide whether youโ€™ll interact with this person in group settings. You donโ€™t have to communicate that directly to the toxic friend, but plan ahead for social situations. For instance, you might feel comfortable being polite and cordial, or you might feel like you canโ€™t interact with that person yet.
9

Text your friend less frequently to phase out the friendship.

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  1. Has your friend been pulling away recently? If so, let the friendship fade by reaching out less over time. [14] While itโ€™ll be an adjustment to adapt to life without that person, embrace the future without the burden of maintaining a toxic friendship.
    • Don't feel like you need to respond to your friend's messages right away.
    • Don't schedule time to hang out unless you actually want to.
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10

Cut all communication ties with abusive friends.

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  1. Use this strategy for a truly toxic friend who makes you feel unsafe or doesn't respect a text you sent them about ending the friendship. You donโ€™t owe anything to people who hurt you, put you down, and make you feel unsafe. [15]
    • Before you take this step, understand the toxic friend might get angry with you. However, in a truly toxic situation, you have the right to get yourself out of there.

Community Q&A

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  • Question
    What if they don't understand boundaries?
    Emmecarque
    Community Answer
    Ask them nicely to stop breaking your boundaries. If they do not stop, be more firm. If they still do not stop, go to a person of authority either at school or, if it gets out of hand, even higher authorities.
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      • John

        Feb 15, 2022

        "This helped me build confidence to end a toxic friendship. I needed this article!"
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