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Expert relationship advice for partners with intellectual differences
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If you think your partner is less intelligent than you, this doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. By focusing on the positive parts of your relationship and the things about your partner you admire and love, you can accept them for who they are and build a happy, healthy relationship. In this article, we’ll show you how to change your mindset about intelligence and its importance in a relationship, plus how you can learn to appreciate your partner’s best qualities. Remember, as long as you’re happy in your relationship, you can overcome your differences.
Things You Should Know
- Remember that intellect is just one of your partner’s many traits. They may also be kind, supportive, hardworking, or have skills that you lack.
- Value their trustworthiness, communication skills, and emotional intelligence. All of these are crucial to a successful relationship.
- View their lack of knowledge about your passions as a chance to share your insight and bond, and support their willingness to learn or engage with new things.
Steps
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Remember that intelligence is just one of your partner’s traits. Evaluate the many reasons you and your partner are in a relationship. Are they incredibly kind and caring? Supportive of your career or artistic pursuits? Fun to be around? Committed to your relationship? If a difference in intelligence has become a problem, think through your partner’s positive attributes and recall what you love about them in the first place.
- Write down what you must have in a partner . Get creative—you may end up including things you hadn’t thought of before. Then consider your partner. No one will check every single box, but you might be surprised how many other positive qualities they have. [1] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source
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Value your trust in them over their intelligence. Trust is often the most important characteristic that makes for a happy, healthy relationship, and breach of trust is one of the most common reasons for breakups. If you’ve found a trustworthy partner, this may be more valuable than intelligence in the long run. Trustworthy qualities in a partner include: [2] X Research source
- Respecting your boundaries and feeling comfortable enforcing their own.
- Following through on their promises and balancing their priorities appropriately.
- Being accountable for their mistakes and apologizing.
- Holding the personal things you share with them in confidence.
- Acting with integrity and living by a set of values.
- Being non-judgmental when you’re struggling or in pain.
- Giving you the benefit of the doubt when you misspeak or make a mistake.
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Choose honest communication over intellectual conversations. Rather than focusing on the intellectual content of conversations with your partner, consider whether your partner communicates with you openly and honestly. The odds of finding a partner who shares your exact level of intelligence may be slim, but finding a partner who understands the way you communicate and can effectively reciprocate this communication is much more likely. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Signs of a great communicator include: [4] X Research source
- Paying attention while you speak and listening to understand (not just to respond).
- Validating your thoughts and feelings with feedback or repetition.
- Asking questions and trying to understand your perspectives and opinions.
- Not raising their voice when they’re upset.
- In many cases, how successfully you communicate and support one another through challenges and changes is more important to your compatibility than your IQs. [5] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source
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Reconsider your definition of intelligence. What do you consider “intelligent,” and how does it reflect what you’re looking for in a partner? Make a list of the types of intelligence that are important to you, like academic achievement, life experience, knowledge about specific topics, interest in national or global affairs, critical thinking skills, or common sense. Are there other types of knowledge your partner has that you’re unfamiliar with? [6] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source
- Then, consider which types of intelligence your partner has. Even if they aren’t as intelligent as you in one aspect, they may be incredibly smart in other ways that complement your intelligence and make for a healthy relationship.
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Consider your partner’s emotional intelligence over their book smarts. Remember, intelligence based on educational background is just one of many types of intellect. Your relationship may be happier if you shift your focus to your partner’s emotional intelligence—their ability to understand and empathize with emotions and navigate emotional situations. Think through the following set of emotional intelligence compatibility questions: [7] X Research source
- Does your partner provide comfort when you’re sad?
- Does your partner hear you out and validate your feelings when you’re mad?
- Does your partner know when you’re upset without you telling them?
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Recognize that your partner cannot provide everything you need. One mistake couples make is assuming their significant other has to be their confidant, business partner, and whole world. This expectation is often unrealistic. Every relationship we have with romantic partners, family members, and friends gives us something different. Maybe your partner can’t chat about Noam Chomsky, but they understand when you need to take a break or why you love comic books. [8] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source
- Good friendships are important to the survival of most romantic relationships. No one person can meet every single need you have, so consider reaching out to friends when you need to be intellectually stimulated.
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.It's important to avoid unrealistic expectations in your relationship. Realistically, love requires work, compromise, and appreciating each other's differences. Nobody's perfect, but with time and effort, you can build a foundation of trust and respect that leads to a lasting connection.
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Maintain your own self-worth . If you believe you’re dating below yourself because your partner is less intelligent than you are or vice versa, it may become tempting to adjust your own self-worth down. Remember, your value and that of your partner are in no way interdependent. Your self-worth comes from within and isn’t affected by your partner or outside opinions. If you’re happy in your relationship, that’s all that matters! [9] X Research source
- Don’t let others’ perception of your relationship affect you. If you’re worried that people will look down on you because of who you’re dating, remember that unless your relationship is causing that person harm, their opinion is less important than your happiness and satisfaction. [10] X Research source
- However, if you truly believe you’re not good enough for your partner or vice versa because of a difference in intelligence, consider whether it’s best to stay together or separate.
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Focus on your partner’s positive attributes. Psychological research suggests it’s beneficial to put your metaphorical “rose tinted glasses” on and idealize your relationship and what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Couples who focus on the positive parts of their relationships and characteristics of their partners are happier and less likely to be divorced. [11] X Research source
- For example, your partner may be a hardworking and caring parent or do amazing volunteer work in your community. By acknowledging and appreciating these qualities , you may gradually minimize the importance of pure intelligence in your relationship.
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Support your partner and their desire to learn and engage. Instead of viewing your partner’s lack of knowledge on a subject you’re passionate about as a negative, view this as an opportunity to share your knowledge and bond. Encourage your partner’s interests and take time to learn more about their passions and areas of expertise, too. You may be surprised to learn they also feel frustrated that you don’t know much about their favorite things, or that they enjoy showing you something new, too. [12] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source
- Try learning or doing things that are new for both of you as well. Breaking out of your routine, taking a class together, or trying something adventurous like ziplining can keep things interesting and increase your attraction to one another. [13] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
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Remember that differing intelligence doesn’t have to impact your happiness. Finding someone who respects and encourages you will lead to more happiness than selecting a partner who is equally intelligent. Research shows that differing levels of intelligence between partners has little impact on their long term happiness, especially when other domains of the relationship, like trust, respect, and intimacy are strong and can compensate. [14] X Research source
- For example, your partner may be incredibly attuned to your emotional and physical needs even if they lack the same academic achievements or experiences you have. This can make up for the perceived gap in intelligence and contribute to a long-lasting, healthy partnership.
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Spend romantic quality time together to increase your attraction. When it comes to attraction, people have the mistaken belief they can’t change the way they feel. If an intelligence gap is an issue, focus on romance and chemistry instead—go on flirty dinner dates, leave each other small notes to find throughout the day, and explore ways to spice things up in the bedroom. Over time, you may find that you and your partner grow closer and more attracted to each other despite your differences as intellectuals. [15] X Research source
- Allow yourself some space from your partner to pursue your own hobbies and interests as well. That way, you’ll have more to connect over and talk about when you’re together.
- Be sure to say “I love you” or to let your partner know you appreciate them regularly, too. They’ll feel empowered to reflect the same appreciation back to you, which will strengthen your bond.
- Shift your focus to finding a partner who is happy with or without you. These confident, content individuals will make better partners no matter what their IQ. [16] X Research source
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Channel your frustration in healthy, productive ways. A less intelligent partner can feel challenging to deal with if you find your conversations are always lacking or if they struggle to support you in the ways you need. Rather than blowing up, take some alone time to reflect on your own expectations and biases that might be triggering your frustration—is their intelligence the problem, or do you have narrow or rigid ideas of what your relationship must be like? [17] X Research source
- Practice patience and remind yourself that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. You may have flaws or bad habits that they get frustrated with, too.
- Avoid the urge to suppress your frustration. [18] X Research source Talk about it calmly and without judgment using “I” statements to avoid making them feel bad. For example, “I feel frustrated when I can’t vent about the news.”
- If your frustrations are too much or you feel like you’re being held back by the relationship, it may be time to end things. Rather than blaming their intelligence, explain that you have needs that aren’t being met or that you see yourselves traveling different paths in life.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat do you talk about with your boyfriend in a deep conversation?Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Try to share your feelings, thoughts, and needs without coming from a dictating or controlling place. Work on having a better understanding of yourself, and definitely listen to your partner so you can understand them. Once you establish a healthy foundation without being angry or controlling, it'll be a lot easier to open up.
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QuestionIf I'm the unintelligent one in the relationship, do the same steps apply?Community AnswerYes, they do. If your partner is with you despite being more intelligent than you, then clearly you have plenty of other wonderful qualities that they love.
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QuestionHow do I find out if I am unintelligent?Jared StearnsCommunity AnswerFor starters, you can take an aptitude test, such as the SAT or ACT, to find out a baseline for how smart you are. However, intelligence can be measured in several different ways, such as emotional and social intelligence, so taking said test might not give you the full picture.
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Tips
- Don’t let doubts about your partner’s intelligence make them feel bad about themselves. Praise them for their unique knowledge in subjects you know little about, or compliment their social or emotional intelligence:
- “I’m glad you know so much about cars or else I’d be stranded on the side of the road!”
- “You get along with every person you meet. I don’t know how you do it!”
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about dating, check out our in-depth interview with Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC .
References
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/smarter-than-boyfriend/
- ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/trust_is_one_of_the_most_important_aspects_of_relationships
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-relationships.aspx
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/how-to-communicate-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/smarter-than-boyfriend/
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/smarter-than-boyfriend/
- ↑ http://ei.yale.edu/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/pub157_Casey_etal_2007_EmotionalIntelligenceRelationshipQualityandPartnerSelection-1.pdf
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/smarter-than-boyfriend/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201902/maintaining-confidence-throughout-the-dating-process
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/mental-shifts-to-stop-caring-what-people-think-of-you
- ↑ https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/illusion-chasers/why-romantic-illusions-are-a-good-thing/
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/smarter-than-boyfriend/
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships/healthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/in-the-name-love/201307/i-married-beneath-me
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201611/6-ways-reignite-your-attraction-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201902/maintaining-confidence-throughout-the-dating-process
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-you-and-me/202103/are-your-relationship-expectations-too-high
- ↑ https://www.psycom.net/control-anger-frustration-relationship
About This Article
Article Summary
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To accept the fact that your partner isn’t as intelligent as you, remember that there are many other important traits that a partner can have. For example, having a partner you trust and who’s committed to you is more valuable to your relationship than their intelligence. Even if your partner can’t talk about philosophy or politics with you, you can still have open and honest communication with them. The key is to understand each other’s emotions and support each other through stressful situations. If you find yourself getting a bit frustrated at their lack of intelligence, view this as an opportunity to share your knowledge. For more tips, including how to choose a well-balanced partner, read on!
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