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The full run-down on romance with a narcissist
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Pursuing a relationship with a narcissist can be difficult, especially if you're worried about infidelity occurring further down the line. Is it even possible to have a secure and trust-filled relationship with a narcissist, or is unfaithfulness an inevitability? This article breaks down all of these valid questions and concerns with expert-backed information, so you can have a clearer sense of what to expect in a potential relationship with a narcissist.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Narcissists require a lot of attention and flattery to be satisfied. If they think you're not giving them preferential treatment, then they'll look for other admirers.
- Narcissists may love bomb—shower you with praise, gifts, and affection—in the beginning of the relationship so you get "hooked" on them.
- Many narcissists avoid monogamy because this relationship style prevents them from flirting with others and getting more "supply" to feed their egos.
- With enough self-awareness and therapy, narcissists can actually change and learn to be genuinely empathetic, compassionate, and caring.
Steps
Section 2 of 5:
Reasons a Narcissist Is Unfaithful
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A narcissist is highly self-centered. They’re unlikely to ever truly prioritize you. There may be a short period of time when the narcissist pretends that you’re the center of their universe. However, don’t be deceived: this is just a control tactic so you’ll get hooked on them. Typically, the only person a narcissist truly cares about is themselves. If your needs are “pesky” or inconvenient, they’ll have no problem brushing them aside in favor of what they want. [3] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For example, a narcissist might “love bomb”—shower you with praise and attention—during your first dates. However, if you make a request later down the line, such as asking them to come to a family dinner, they might call you “needy” and “inconsiderate” of their time.
- A narcissist may also focus solely on their needs, even at your own expense. If you two are splitting rent, they might not fulfill their end of the bargain and instead spend money lavishly. They might then claim they needed some “retail therapy.”
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A narcissist doesn’t want to be tied down. They usually want a lot of admirers at their beck and call. Unlike a healthy individual who loves and embraces themselves, a narcissist doesn’t feel powerful and in control unless they’re stringing a lot of people along. They enjoy conquest and finding new “targets,” so they’re not likely to be satisfied with just one romantic partner. However, they probably will enjoy making you jealous, so they’ll agree to date you while seeing what their “options” are. [4] X Research source
- Narcissists are often really showy about all the attention they get. They might feign annoyance when they get texts from an ex and say something like, “It’s so sad. They’re so obsessed with me!” You might, however, notice them smirk when they share this information.
- They like to “play the field” so they can get their supply. The more people that they wrangle in, the more they get the validation they seek and feed off of.
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A narcissist doesn’t like to form emotional attachments. They find it tedious to invest energy in people. The common refrain for a narcissist is “me, me, me!” They’re all about what they can get from another person, and thrive off of attention, compliments, and approval. Unfortunately, they’re not concerned with reciprocity. It simply doesn’t occur to them to think about what you might need. [5] X Research source
- For a narcissist, any amount of effort they have to put into a relationship seems like a waste of time. They often believe that a dynamic should just be “easy," and if it starts to become inconvenient, then they’ll be on the lookout for a new target.
- Narcissists also fail to form emotional attachments because they see people as interchangeable. Since they don’t see people as unique and special, they can’t really commit to any one individual.
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A narcissist lacks empathy for other people. They're only focused on how to get their own needs met and they don't consider other people's emotions. No matter how many times you explain yourself or try to describe how you feel, they probably won’t feel a shred of compassion or remorse. Instead, they might resent you for speaking up about your emotions or setting boundaries .
- For example, if they openly flirted with one of their friends, you might divulge, “I felt really insecure and undervalued when you did that. Can you please stop encouraging them?,” they might lash out at you and call you “dramatic.”
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A narcissist doesn’t believe in self-control. If they’re interested in someone, then they’ll jump at the chance to charm them. A narcissist doesn't have any inhibitions. They also don’t see anyone as “off-limits,” which means that they may pursue your friends and even your relatives. Since narcissists don’t have a strong sense of consequences, they’ll get into all sorts of entanglements, even if they’re messy and create complications. [6] X Research source
- In fact, a narcissist might like all the drama that results from their behavior. Ultimately, narcissists like to get a reaction out of you because it makes them feel that they have power over you.
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A narcissist doesn’t place a high value on commitment. They don’t want to be held accountable to rules or standards. A narcissist believes they should have the relationship they want, so if they don’t want to settle down, then they simply won’t. In their eyes, the idea of commitment is stifling. Not only that—choosing just one person keeps them from playing games with other people’s hearts. For a narcissist, the ideal dynamic is one where you don’t have any boundaries so they can act as they please. [7] X Research source
- If you mention that you want a monogamous relationship, a narcissist might originally agree to it. However, as soon as another love interest crops up, they’re likely to pursue it without checking in with you.
- A narcissist might also berate you for asking for a relationship style that’s conventional and that doesn’t give them the opportunity to “play.”
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A narcissist has a huge sense of entitlement. They believe they “deserve” anything they want, including an affair. A narcissist believes that they’re the most significant person in a relationship (in fact, they believe they’re the most important individual in any circumstance). If they feel tempted or enticed by anyone, a narcissist will think that they’re justified in stepping outside of their commitments. [8] X Research source
- A narcissist only thinks about what they can gain in a situation, even if they’ll break your heart in the process.
- They might claim that they couldn’t resist an affair and that they needed it because you weren’t showing them enough attention.
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A narcissist enjoys manipulating others. They’ll play with people’s emotions and “love bomb” them. You’re not the only person that a narcissist will lavish with praise and affection. Ultimately, narcissists love the honeymoon stage of relationships, when everything is fresh and special, and, most importantly, when they look “perfect” in someone’s eyes. They’ll woo as many people as possible so they can get their “supply” and lead on multiple admirers. [9] X Research source
- A narcissist might “hoover”—slyly come back into the lives—of their exes, as well. You might catch them texting or DMing someone they told you they ended things with. If you do, chances are that they’re trying to impress and win over this person. [10] X Research source
- Narcissists also thrive on drama, so if their behavior makes you feel insecure and uncertain, then they’ll keep repeating the same toxic patterns.
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A narcissist is insecure and fears rejection. They’ll want approval from multiple love interests to feed their ego. However, not everyone falls for a narcissist’s tricks; in fact, some people will get tired of the games and go “no contact” by ending all communication. This tactic will definitely wound a narcissist’s ego, so they’ll “recover” by finding new targets. Even if you give them all your love and attention, it simply won’t be enough to satisfy a narcissist. [11] X Research source
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References
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2020/01/traits-narcissists-appreciate-in-their-targets
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/covert-narcissism/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/202006/why-are-narcissists-less-committed-their-partners
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-of-emotional-unavailability
- ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0093854814553097
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/are-you-in-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist-here-are-6-narcissistic-love-patterns-to-watch-out-for/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202205/why-narcissists-feel-so-entitled
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201903/7-ways-narcissists-manipulate-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202010/5-reasons-why-narcissists-love-hoovering
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/narcissism-decoded/2017/06/narcissists-greatest-fear#1
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/can-a-narcissist-love
- ↑ https://upjourney.com/can-a-narcissist-be-faithful-in-a-relationship
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/08/5-signs-youre-dating-a-cheating-narcissist
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