10 Ways to Offer Support and Comfort Using Words

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Learn to use your words as a soothing balm for others
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Finding the right words to console someone who’s going through a difficult time can be challenging for anyone. Depending on how close you are to the person, there are different things you can say to be sympathetic and show them you care. Take a look at some of the ideas on this list and choose whatever seems most appropriate to you the next time you want to console someone using words.

Things You Should Know

  • Acknowledge the person’s pain by saying, “I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now.” Sometimes, a person just wants to be heard!
  • Ask the person how they’re feeling and allow them to vent to you by saying, “I know you’re going through a lot. How are you feeling about everything?”
  • Offer your support to them by saying, “Is there anything I can do to help?” or “What’s something we could do together to brighten your day?”
1

Acknowledge the person’s pain.

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    Pick an appropriate time and situation and tell them you understand that they’re going through a difficult time. This can make the person feel more comfortable talking to you about it as well. [1]
    • You don’t have to get specific if you don’t want to. You can say something like: “I know this must be a really difficult time for you and your family.”
    • Or, say something like: “I know you must be feeling a lot of pain right now.”
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2

Tell them you’re sorry.

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    If you aren’t sure what the right words are to console someone, simply say “I’m sorry.” Add more details to expand on why you’re sorry if you’re comfortable doing so and if it’s appropriate. [2]
    • For example, if your family member just had a miscarriage, you could say: “I’m really sorry you lost your baby.”
    • Or, if your friend’s dad just died, you might say: “I’m really sorry to hear about your dad.”
3

Try to distract the person if they don't want to talk.

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    Ask the person to go out for a meal or to the movies. Or, invite them over to talk. Let them know there is a standing invitation any time they want to hang out and distract themselves from the difficult time they’re going through. [3]
    • For example, if your friend just lost a parent to suicide, say something like: “I’m really sorry that happened. I'm always here if you need some company. Do you want to go out to dinner this week?”
    • Or, if a coworker is grieving over a break-up, tell them something like: “Hey, I’ve been there. If you want to get lunch one day to distract yourself, let me know!”
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4

Ask them how they’re feeling.

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    Don’t assume you know what the person is feeling because of what they’re going through. Instead, ask them and let them tell you to help you understand their pain. Try saying something like: [4] [5]
5

Discuss the person’s emotions.

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    Listen to whatever the person is telling you about the difficult time they’re going through. [8] Try to make an honest reflection about the emotions they are experiencing. [9]
    • For example, you might say something like: “I can tell you’re sad and confused about why this happened right now.”
    • Or, you could say something like: “I understand why you’re feeling really hurt and angry about what just happened.”
    • Empathy is a great way to console someone who's upset. [10]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 709 wikiHow readers, and 61% of them agreed that the best way to comfort someone when they confide in you about personal issues is to show empathy and offer support . [Take Poll]
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6

Reassure them that it’s okay to cry.

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    Tell the person who’s going through a hard time that it’s totally fine for them to cry in front of you if they need to. Letting it all out can really help someone through the healing process. [11]
    • For example, if your friend is putting on a tough face after his wife left him, but you know he’s hurting, say: “Man, if you need to cry, go ahead. I know you’re hurting right now.”
    • Or, if your friend is sad because her dog just died, say: “I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on. You don’t have to hold back any tears in front of me.”
7

Tell them you love them if it’s appropriate.

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    When you see someone you really care about going through a hard time, make an extra effort to simply say “I love you.” They need as much love as they can get right now. [12]
    • For example, if your brother is sad because his dog just died, say: “Hey bro, I just wanted you to know that I love you.”
    • Or, if your best friend just lost a parent and just got done telling you about it on the phone, say: “I love you, man.” before you get off the phone.
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8

Be genuine and honest.

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    If you don’t know how to console someone, tell them that, but make it clear that you care. Or, if you feel affected by someone else’s loss and grief, tell them how you feel to show that you understand. [13]
    • For example, you might say: “Wow, I’m so sorry about your dad’s passing. We had a lot of good times with him growing up, didn’t we? That makes me really sad, too.”
    • Or, you could say: “Hey, I don’t really know what to say right now, and my words probably won’t make it hurt any less, but I just want you to know I care and I’m here for you.”
9

Don’t offer advice.

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    Avoid giving the person advice about what they should or shouldn’t do during this difficult time. Instead, focus on making sure they know you’re they’re for them and acknowledging that they’re passing through a really difficult moment. [14]
    • For example, if someone is sad because their cat just ran away and disappeared, don’t tell them they should have checked their windows before they went out. Instead, say something like, “I’m really sorry that happened. Can I help you look for your cat?”
    • Or, if someone is upset because they got fired from their job, don’t say, “You should go start applying for new jobs right now.” Instead, say something like: “That really sucks, I’m sorry. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help when you start job hunting.”
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10

Avoid trying to explain or justify the situation.

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    Don’t tell someone who just lost a loved one that they are in a better place or that it was God’s will, for instance. Avoid using cliches like “It wasn’t meant to be,” to justify things like breakups or job losses. [15]
    • For example, if your friend’s dad just passed away, don’t say, “At least he’s no longer suffering.” Instead, say, “I’m really sorry. I know how hard this moment is for you.”
    • Or, if your girlfriend just lost her job, don’t say, “It probably wasn’t a good fit, anyways.” Instead, say, “I know you’re feeling a bit lost right now, but I’m here to help you however I can.”

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What do you say in a difficult situation?
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach
    Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Offer a listening ear and be as empathetic as possible. Don't try to "fix" a person's problem—above all, a hurting person just wants to be heard.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.cancercare.org/publications/67-how_to_help_someone_who_is_grieving
      2. ↑ https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/supporting-someone-through-pregnancy-loss/
      3. ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/apa/2018/support-that-works
      4. ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/bethatone/friendscopingsuicide.html
      5. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
      6. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
      7. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
      8. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
      9. ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/bethatone/friendscopingsuicide.html
      1. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
      2. ↑ https://www.scmp.com/yp/discover/lifestyle/health-fitness/article/3072562/how-comfort-someone-who-sad-hurting-or-going
      3. ↑ https://www.caringbridge.org/resources/how-to-console-someone/
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201810/10-tips-offering-real-comfort-people-in-crisis
      5. ↑ https://www.cancercare.org/publications/67-how_to_help_someone_who_is_grieving
      6. ↑ https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/supporting-someone-through-pregnancy-loss/

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