How to Deal With Mixed Feelings in a Relationship

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In a relationship, especially early on, it can be difficult to sort out how you feel. If you're struggling with mixed feelings towards a potential romantic partner, this is very normal. Take some time to evaluate how you feel. Are you attracted to this person? Are you willing to commit? Do you feel close? Move through the relationship slowly, striving to be aware of what you're feeling and why. If you're still torn, consider your own emotions. Is there a reason you're experiencing mixed feelings? If so, what can you do to change this? With a little time and self-reflection, you should be able to sort out mixed feelings in a relationship.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Navigating the Relationship

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  1. If you're unsure of how you feel, especially early on in a relationship, have patience. Do not try to push for a premature commitment if you're uncertain how you feel. It's important you let things develop at their own pace in any relationship, especially if feelings are mixed. [1]
    • Maintain your own schedule. If you're not sure how you feel about someone, you should not sacrifice a lot of your own time and needs for that person. While you're figuring out your feelings, keep up with your own hobbies and social obligations.
    • If you have not yet settled into official relationship status, do not worry. You should not try to push for commitment when you're still unsure of how you feel, and there is no shame in being in a relationship gray area for a while.
    • You should also take care of yourself. Eat right, exercise, and get adequate rest. Take care of yourself as you normally would.
  2. You want to make sure you can still be yourself with this person. Keep up with your own hobbies and interests. See if this person fits into your world. This can help you assess whether the romance works for you. [2]
    • Make what you value clear. If you like to stay in on Fridays rather than going out, try inviting your partner over. See how they fit into your world.
    • Keep up with your own interests. If you go to a book club every other Friday, do not stop going even if your partner invites you somewhere else. Make sure your partner supports your interests, and allows you to pursue your own fun and social life. If they do, this is a good sign this relationship can fit into your life.
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  3. Fun is an important aspect of any romantic relationship. It's hard to stay with someone if you do not have fun together. You and your partner should genuinely enjoy one another's company. Try to do something fun with your partner. See if you feel happier and more secure. If you're struggling to have fun, this may be a bad sign for the relationship longterm. [3]
    • The definition of fun varies from person to person, so pick something you both enjoy doing. For example, if you both love comedy, go see a comedy show together.
    • You can also try inviting your partner to social events with your friends. See if your partner's presence influences the group in a positive or negative way. Does your partner make social events more fun? Do they fit into your world?
  4. If you're having mixed feelings, you may want to try to quell those feelings. Many people use sex as an attempt to force feelings of intimacy. However, sex will rarely lead to sustainable feelings of emotional intimacy with another person. Do not expect sex to cure your mixed feelings. [4]
  5. , if necessary. If you can't figure out how you feel, and you've been with your partner for a while, a break can help. You may both need to experience personal growth outside the relationship. Eventually, you may find you want to rekindle the romance. [5]
    • If you decide to take a break, set clear boundaries. Make it clear to your partner how often you'll see each other during the break, if at all, and whether you'll be allowed to pursue other relationships and sex during the break. Decide if the break has a set end point, or if you'll leave things somewhat open.
    • Be careful to assess your feelings before getting back together after a break. Be honest with yourself about how you feel. Do you honestly miss the person? Do you feel sad in their absence? Do you feel like you've grown as a person while they were away? If so, getting back together can be a good idea. However, if you feel freer and happier in your partner's absence, it may be a good idea to move on.
  6. If you're in a serious relationship, and you're beginning to have mixed feelings, it may be a good idea to be open with your partner. Set aside a time to talk out the problem, and try to find a mutual solution if you want to avoid the relationship ending. [6] Let your partner know ahead of time you want to have a relationship talk. Say something like, "I've been grappling with some confusing feelings, and I'd like to talk tonight when you get off work."
    • Try to focus on the present moment as you express yourself. Avoid bringing up things from the past, even things that are driving your confusing feelings. Instead, focus on how you're feeling in the moment. For example, "I've been having mixed feelings lately about our future. I want to know how you're feeling in regards to this issue."
    • Listen as much as you talk. Allow your partner to share their feelings with you. Your partner may feel the same way, in which case the two of you will have to assess the relationship's future. Try your best to genuinely understand what your partner is saying. Ask clarifying questions if necessary. [7]
    • Leave the conversation with an idea of how to move forward. For example, you may decide you want to take a break. You may decide you want to see a therapist together. You may also decide you want to end the relationship altogether.
  7. After a while, you'll have to make a decision about where you stand. After weighing in a variety of factors, consider whether your feelings are genuine and, if so, whether you want to continue to pursue this relationship. If you find you are not invested enough, it may be best to try to transition into friendship.
    • Even in healthy relationships, mixed feelings may occur from time to time. Do not be alarmed by occasional uncertainty if you decide to move forward.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Evaluating Your Feelings About the Person

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  1. Attraction is key to most romantic relationships. If you're involved with someone romantically, you'll eventually become intimate physically. Spend some time considering the level of physical attraction you feel for this person. [8]
    • Think about how you feel about the person in a physical sense. Do you feel attraction? Do you think it's mutual? If so, there may be potential for a romantic relationship here.
    • Keep in mind mutual attraction should not be the deciding factor. Friends often feel mutual attraction towards one another that is sometimes similar to romantic attraction. For example, you may long for and miss a friend when they are gone. Try to evaluate whether the attraction you feel for this person is physical as well as romantic.
    • Do you find yourself laughing and smiling with this person? Do you look forward to dates and get-togethers? Do the two of you have similar interests and passions that you pursue together? If so, this could be a good foundation for a romance.
    • If you're having mixed feelings, however, evaluate whether the fun you have together feels romantic. Friends often make each other laugh and have fun together. If you don't feel a romantic spark during fun times, this relationship may be better suited for friendship.
  2. As you spend time with someone, you should begin to feel deeply close to that person. You should be able to share your feelings, thoughts, and concerns with this person openly. If you're struggling to feel close, or the closeness feels more like friendship, this person may not be a suitable romantic partner for you. [9]
  3. Common goals are important to a romantic relationship. This is one thing that helps differentiate a romantic relationship from a friendship. Friends do not necessarily have the same goals. A romantic partner, however, should have similar goals to you if the two of you are compatible. [10]
    • Think about long term goals. Do you and this person have similar ambitions? Do you see a similar kind of future in regards to things like marriage and children? These things are important when it comes to navigating a romantic relationship. If your views differ in these areas, this may be why you're having mixed feelings. You may be better off transitioning this relationship into a friendship.
    • You should also think about your belief systems. Do you and this person have similar views on politics, religion, moral values? While you can disagree with someone in a romantic relationship, certain shared values are important. If you and this person disagree a lot, this may also be where the mixed feelings are coming from.
  4. In a romantic relationship, you find yourself fostering intense thoughts about another person. You may put them on a pedestal in your mind and see their faults and quirks as charming. You may also feel they have superior skills, intelligence, and personality. In friendship, you don't generally get as enchanted with a person. If this kind of infatuation is absent, you may be better off being friends with this person. [11]
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Considering Your Own Emotions

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  1. Oftentimes, people feel the need to reconcile mixed feelings completely. You may feel you need to have only one feeling towards a person. However, mixed feelings are common. In fact, the majority of relationships you have will come with some degree of mixed feelings. [12]
    • Mixed emotions can actually reflect maturity. Rather than polarizing a person as either good or bad, you're able to see both their good and bad qualities. Sometimes, you love your boyfriend for his spontaneous nature. Other times, you find yourself annoyed that he's so unpredictable.
    • Try to accept that there will be a degree of mixed feelings in any relationship. If you still want to be with someone, despite mixed feelings, this is actually a good sign. You're willing to acknowledge imperfections and frustrations, but still want to be with another person.
  2. If you're prone to mixed feelings and uncertainty, there may be reasons for this. If you have a lot of underlying fears or insecurities, you may find you doubt yourself frequently.
    • Have you been rejected in the past by someone important? If so, you may have a chronic fear of rejection. Frequent mixed feelings may be a way to protect yourself from getting invested.
    • Are you an insecure person? If you're fearful of being abandoned, and do not feel good enough for love or commitment, this will affect almost all your actions. You may have mixed feelings getting into relationships because you're afraid of getting involved.
  3. In order to assess whether a relationship is right for you, you need to know what you want. Know what you need and want from a romantic partner. Figure out whether this person can provide that. [13]
    • Think about your emotional reactions to events in your life. How can someone best support you emotionally? What do you need from another person?
    • It can be helpful to make a list of attributes that are important to you in a romantic partner. Consider whether this person will be able to fulfill these romantic attributes for you.
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  • Question
    Is it OK to have mixed feelings in a relationship?
    Joshua Pompey
    Relationship Expert
    Joshua Pompey is a Relationship Expert and Founder of Next Evolution Matchmaking (NEM) based in New York City, NY. With over 15 years in the industry, Joshua helps his clients navigate online dating and has a success rate of over 99%. His work has been featured in CNBC, Good Morning America, Wired, and Refinery29 and he has been referred to as the best online dater in the world.
    Joshua Pompey
    Relationship Expert
    Expert Answer
    Feelings in a relationship can fluctuate somewhat, but they should be fairly steady. It's not a good sign if you feel in love with someone one day, then the next day you don't and the day after that you do again. Your feelings toward the other person should be somewhat stable over time.
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      • Don't feel like you have to be with or stay with this person. If you feel as though you are having to convince yourself of something, maybe it's time to step back from the situation and just be friends.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-hardy/201203/the-early-stages-falling-in-love
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-hardy/201203/the-early-stages-falling-in-love
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/how-can-you-tell-when-you-should-just-be-friends
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201307/5-steps-take-starting-new-relationship
      5. ↑ http://greatist.com/play/going-on-a-break
      6. ↑ Joshua Pompey. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.
      7. ↑ Joshua Pompey. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/how-can-you-tell-when-you-should-just-be-friends
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/how-can-you-tell-when-you-should-just-be-friends
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/how-can-you-tell-when-you-should-just-be-friends
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/how-can-you-tell-when-you-should-just-be-friends
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-choice/201603/what-does-it-mean-have-mixed-feelings
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201307/5-steps-take-starting-new-relationship

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Dealing with mixed feelings in a relationship can be stressful, but moving at a slow pace will help you figure out your true feelings. As you spend time together, notice if they make you smile and laugh, as this could be a sign that you're attracted to them. Alternatively, if you’re having fun, but it doesn’t feel romantic, you may want to just be friends. Remember that mixed feelings are normal, so try to accept them as you figure out your next move. To learn how to address your own fears and insecurities in your relationship, read more from our Social Worker co-author.

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