It can be frustrating when you feel like your parents treat your siblings better than you. Before you get too upset, though, recognize that you and your sibling(s) have different interests, hobbies, and skills, and might need to be parented differently. If you feel you’re a victim of obvious preferential treatment, keep reading for ways to show your parents how their behavior makes you feel, including expert-backed advice from psychologists and therapists. We'll also cover the most common signs of sibling favoritism and the mental effects it can have later in life.
Best Ways to Deal with Parents Treating Other Siblings Better
Speak to your parent(s) to tell them how you feel. Use “I” language instead of “you” language, so they don’t feel threatened. Give examples of sibling favoritism, and express the changes you want to see in the future. Try to understand their reasons and work on building your own self-esteem in the meantime.
Steps
Ways to Deal With Parents Treating Other Siblings Better
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1Start by writing your feelings down in a journal . Feelings related to parental favoritism can be complicated and messy. Writing it out can help you get a better handle on what's going on. Try writing a first draft to just "let it out." Then, a few days later, organize your thoughts so you’re ready for a conversation.
- You can also draft a letter if you don't think you can handle talking to your parents face-to-face.
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2Choose a good time to talk to your parent(s). It’s best to talk when your parent is calm and not too distracted with chores or to-do lists. This will help make sure that your parent isn't distracted and can focus on listening to you. Ahead are some examples of times you can talk:
- During a long car ride
- After dinner
- On a neighborhood walk
- While doing a simple chore (like folding laundry) together
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3Try telling your parents how you feel. Your goal is to share your emotions assertively without being aggressive. [1] X Research source Use "I" language instead of "you" language to focus on your emotions. For example, saying "I feel ignored" is better than saying "you're ignoring me." Here are some examples:
- "I feel left out lately. Sometimes I feel like you're so busy taking care of the baby that you don't have enough time for me, but when I try to get attention, you yell at me."
- "I feel hurt sometimes when I try to make plans to spend time with you, and they get canceled, and then I see you hanging out with Arthur. It makes me feel like I don't matter as much to you."
- "I know that Kaja is going through a rough time lately, and I'm glad you're there for her. I don't know if you realized that I'm struggling too. I would like to be able to talk to you about it, but sometimes I worry that you don't have time for me."
Keep in mind: Some people cry during these conversations. That's normal, and it shows your parent(s) that this is really affecting you. Let them comfort you. And if you want to plan ahead, pick a conversation spot where there are tissues nearby.
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4Bring up a few examples of sibling favoritism you’ve experienced. Sometimes you might not need examples, because labeling your feelings may be enough for them to understand. But if they seem confused or if they ask you to explain, you might bring up an example or two.
- "You went to almost all of John's football games last season, but you only attended one of my volleyball games. Why is that?"
- "The last time Imani got sick, you were always bringing her food, comforting her, and checking in on her. When I got sick last week, you left me alone. It made me feel like I didn't matter."
- "Lee got to use the car right away when he turned 16. But when I asked, you said no. Did you have a specific reason for that?"
- "I saw that you gave Olivia an expensive gaming laptop for her birthday. And on my birthday, you gave me a cheap tablet. I don't mean to be materialistic, but at the same time, I felt let down."
Tip: Be prepared to hear the other side of the story if you bring up examples. Sometimes they'll explain that your sibling truly needed them more or that your behavior didn't justify extra privileges. The cause might not be favoritism.
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5Ask for what you'd like to see change going forward. Talk about something specific that would help you feel closer to your parent(s). This lets them know how they can try to fix it, and it allows them to see how much you care. Propose an idea that could help; be willing to change the details based on what works for your parents.
- "Could you please try to show up to more of my games? I feel so happy knowing you're there to cheer me on."
- "I would like to be closer to you. Maybe we could take more walks in the evening? What do you think?"
- "I understand what you mean when you say you've been really busy lately. Would it be nicer if I kept you company and helped out when you did chores?"
- "If I helped Annie with her homework more often, would that help give you time for your to-do list so there would be time for us to play games sometimes?"
- "I agree that Tom's music lessons are good for him, and I'm glad he's getting them. Would you be willing to consider getting me martial arts lessons? I'd like to learn something too, and I've always loved the idea of getting stronger and more disciplined."
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6Step away if things get heated. Maybe your parents will get defensive, or you'll get angry. It's hard to have a useful conversation if one or both people are too upset to think straight. If you see this happening, take a break.
- If you feel upset by the conversation, then try taking a break and do some deep breathing . Try saying something like, “I will be right back. I just need a few minutes.”
- Remember that you can always try again another day if you feel like you weren't able to get your ideas across.
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7Remember that your parents have to decide to change. Sometimes talking about your feelings and/or making a plan is enough for them to change their behavior; other times it isn't—this is typically not your fault. The way they react to an honest conversation reflects on how good they are at parenting, not how good you are at being their child.
- You can't change other people. [2] X Research source You can only control your own behavior.
- They may need time to think about it first—give it to them. You can talk about this again another time.
- Sometimes people are willing to change their behavior. If your parent starts treating you more fairly, accept that this is a genuine choice and be willing to start forgiving.
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8Face and work through your upsetting feelings. You may feel sad, ashamed, or angry if one or both of your parents aren't treating you fairly. These feelings are normal, but they aren't forever, and they don't have to define your life.
- "Scapegoating" is when people act like something is your fault even though it isn't. They may even convince you that you're to blame. Remember that you control your behavior, and that other people control their own behavior.
- Try visualization exercises. For example, if you think a negative thought about yourself, imagine it written on a balloon. Then picture letting go of the balloon and watching it float away into nothingness.
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9Deal with any anger you feel toward them. Anger is a normal reaction when things feel unfair. It only becomes toxic when you let it take control. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Work on healthy ways to process your anger so it doesn't seep into other aspects of your life.
- Work on assertive and non-aggressive phrasing . Think about how your words could affect others and plan accordingly.
- Let out anger through exercise, journaling, scribbling on and/or ripping up paper, smashing ice cubes in the bathtub, singing to loud music, or otherwise safely releasing emotion.
- Script assertive phrases like "I don't like the way you're treating me" or "If you keep calling me names, I'm going to leave."
- Licensed family therapist Jacqueline House suggests that, “once we realize what our triggers are, we can work through them. Accepting and being more aware of your anger helps you to work through to a good solution.” [4]
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Expert Source
Jacqueline House, LMFT-A
Marriage and Family Therapist Associate Expert Interview. 31 May 2022.
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10Rebuild your self-esteem . [5] X Research source If your parents spent years acting as though your other sibling(s) are smarter, funnier, or more interesting than you, you might start to believe them. Learn to identify self-defeating or critical thoughts and feelings and challenge them wherever possible. [6] X Research source
- Work on your skills . Practice things that you like and are good at (or will become good at). This can help build your faith in yourself.
- Encourage yourself. Every day when you wake up, look in the mirror and say, “I have a life worth living and many people like me.”
- Clinical psychologist Dr. Susan Pazak stresses that, “to overcome favoritism, don’t take it personally. Remove yourself from the situation or at least limit your time there, i.e., family favoritism situations. Stop talking and thinking about favoritism. Place your energy and efforts into changing the situation. Change your attitude and story about the situation. Surround yourself with people who value you. Encourage yourself and ignore favoritism. Be and do your best to be your favorite person.” [7]
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Expert Source
Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
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11Focus on finding and building healthy relationships. Look for people who respect you and care about you without making demands. These people may be family, friends, or mentors.
- A good relationship tends to feel good. Hanging out with the person usually makes you feel happy or calm, not stressed. It isn't scary or confusing.
- Remember, others should love you for who you are , without any expectation of anything in return.
- Stay far away from cults , gangs, romantic relationships with much older people, and other unsafe situations. While you might feel like someone finally cares about you, that caring can come with danger and/or toxic baggage.
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12Don’t blame your sibling for the sins of your parents. Some "less favorite" siblings start seeing their sibling and their parent(s) as part of a conspiracy against them. But your sibling didn't choose the favoritism; your parent(s) did. Don't let bad parental choices poison the relationship. [8] X Research source
- If your sibling is old enough to understand what’s going on, talk to them about how your parents are mistreating you. Seek their advice and encourage them to speak up on your behalf.
- Being the favorite child has downsides, too. The favoritism may harm their social skills and attitude. They may hide or change who they are to keep their parents' approval, which can hurt their sense of identity. Some of them develop guilt or anxiety problems. [9] X Research source [10] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Clinical Psychologist Supatra Tovar (PsyD, RD) believes you can always get along better with your sibling
through humor. “Point out what is weird and funny in your family. Realize that humor can bond you together. Practice your best jokes on them, watch some comedy shows, and see if you can make things lighter and more fun between you all.” [11]
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Expert Source
Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
Stop laughing off concerns. "I'm 10 years old, and every day when I try telling my mom that my sister is mean to me, she laughs it off and tells me, "The devil is playing with my mind." After reading this, I realized I need to clearly explain how my sister's behavior makes me feel, rather than accusing her. I will ask my mom if we can have a calm discussion about setting fair expectations for both me and my sister." - Aliaa N.
Validate emotions, not excuses. "I'm 12 and feel so frustrated that my mom always assumes I'm "exaggerating" when I say my sister doesn't get punished for things I would. This article showed me I need to focus the conversation on my feelings rather than accusing my sister, so my mom truly hears me instead of getting defensive." - Lea K.
Seek outside support. "I'm 10 years old and feel neglected when my mom favors my siblings by not feeding me and making me clean up after them. The tips here on identifying emotional abuse gave me the courage to talk to a counselor at school about getting help. I don't have to accept mistreatment." - Mike P.
Gain insight on family dynamics. "As a middle child, I've started noticing my younger brother seems to be my parents' favorite. Reading about how birth order impacts favoritism helped me understand what might be underlying the differential treatment instead of feeling it's somehow my fault." - Aleeya C.
Have an empathetic talk. "My partner favors his youngest child, and it breaks my heart when his 10-year-old asks why. This article equipped me to compassionately discuss with my partner how his behavior makes his son feel, rather than attacking him as a parent. Our talk opened his eyes to unintended harm." - Jessy J.
We want to hear from you! Advice from our readers makes our articles better. If you have a story you’d like to share, tell us here .
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13Stay focused on your personal goals. If you’re still in school, keep your grades up . Children of parents who show favoritism to another child often have a hard time in school. [12] X Research source Find a well-lit, quiet place to study. Do all your homework each night, and use a daily planner to schedule time for yourself to review for tests, write essays, and complete important projects ahead of time.
- Stay organized. Make a separate folder for homework (homework to do on one side, homework to turn in on the other). Try helpful apps like "The Complete Class Organizer" and iHomework for your phone or tablet. They can help you stay organized and manage your time.
- Show up to every class and take good notes .
- Ask questions when you are confused or don’t understand something.
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14Try to be as good to your parent(s) as you want them to be to you. You'll struggle sometimes, and that's okay. Try not to cause too many problems when you can help it. You won't be perfect, just like your parent(s) won't be. But being good to them (if you aren't already) can help things get better.
- Be responsible . Do your best with school and chores. If you're struggling with that, talk to a parent, mentor, or school counselor about what to do.
- Follow the family rules. Don't break them just for fun. If the rules feel unfair, talk to them about it.
- Try not to pick fights or yell at people. If you get upset, walk away and say you need a break.
- Be assertive when you feel upset. Say "I want," "I feel," and "I need" instead of yelling or acting out.
- Ask for help when things go wrong. If you can't fix it yourself, tell someone what's happening. Ask for their advice and support.
- Apologize when you mess up. You'll make mistakes. (Everyone does.) Be fair, say you're sorry, and try to do better next time.
- Try to be fair to everyone. That includes your parent(s), your sibling(s), and yourself. Don't be such a people pleaser that you forget to be fair to yourself too.
Keep in mind: You are going to struggle and have bad days. That doesn't mean you deserve to be treated badly . Being good to your parent(s) can help improve your relationship . But they still have to choose to be good to you, too. And if they won't, that's not your fault.
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15Identify and deal with any depression you feel. Depression is an illness involving low mood, low energy, and difficulty getting ordinary life tasks done. It's a common side effect in kids whose parents treat them worse than their siblings. [13] X Research source Depression is usually treated with antidepressant meds and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
- CBT helps you face your negative thoughts with logic. Not every thought you have is true. A CBT therapist can teach you to challenge thoughts that are unfair or wrong. [14] X Research source The goal is to change your thoughts and coping mechanisms to be more helpful.
- Talk to a doctor or counselor if you think you may have signs of depression.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhy do parents treat my siblings differently?Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.Each person is unique, so the reasons for the way your parents treat each of you might be different. However, if your parents are always blaming you for the family's problems, that's all wrong. That's called scapegoating, and you need to remember that you are not the problem.
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Tips
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201209/how-and-how-not-stand-yourself
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201603/you-cant-change-someone-else-you-can-do
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
- ↑ Jacqueline House, LMFT-A. Marriage and Family Therapist Associate. Expert Interview. 31 May 2022.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-narcissus-in-all-us/200901/when-parents-play-favorites
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/
- ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-narcissus-in-all-us/200901/when-parents-play-favorites
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-favorite-child/201007/favoritism-does-exist
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31889229/
- ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-narcissus-in-all-us/200901/when-parents-play-favorites
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-narcissus-in-all-us/200901/when-parents-play-favorites
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/cognitive-behavioral-therapy
- ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1090513803000333
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3375868/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-difficult-family-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-favorite-child-sibling-rivalry-therapist-2024-3
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/parenting/parental-favoritism/
- ↑ https://www.euroschoolindia.com/blogs/sibling-favouritism-causes-signs-impact-solutions/
- ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-favorite-child-sibling-rivalry-therapist-2024-3
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/parenting/parental-favoritism/
- ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5927001/
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2025/01/parental-favoritism
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2025/01/parental-favoritism
- ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5927001/
- ↑ https://www.bloomandbuild.com/blog/collateral-damage-the-impact-of-parental-favoritism-on-sibling-relationships
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2025/01/parental-favoritism
- ↑ Rebecca Ward, LMFT, SEP, PCC, MA. Licensed Therapist. Expert Interview. 29 May 2020.
About This Article
To deal with your parents if they treat your siblings better, focus on standing up for yourself by telling your parents how you feel. For example, start a conversation by saying, “Mom and dad, I need to talk to you about not feeling as important as John.” Keep your thoughts positive even when your parents treat you unfairly by saying things to yourself like “I’m a winner,” since this will help you not to feel down. When you feel angry or frustrated by your parents' behavior, find ways to manage that anger, such as going for a run or riding your bike. Avoid getting into arguments or being aggressive, since this will only make your situation worse. For tips from our Family co-author on how to manage your relationships with your sibling, read on!
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