How to Handle Parents Playing Favorites As an Adult

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It can be hurtful to have your parents treat you poorly while showering praise and energy on your siblings. Not only does it make it hard to connect with your parents, but it can breed resentment and rivalry between you and your siblings. While it’s normal to be hurt by this, recognize that you’re under no obligation as an adult to put up with it and change is possible. There are plenty of ways you can go about this, so tailor your approach based on your parents’ personalities. In this article, we’ll break down everything you need to know about handling parents who show favoritism.

Things You Should Know

  • Address the issue with your parents. Sometimes, favoritism can come down to a simple misunderstanding.
  • Call out the behavior when it happens. If they are willing, enlist help from your siblings to set expectations with your parents around fair treatment.
  • See if your parents are willing to go to therapy with you to address the issue.
  • If all else fails, distance yourself from your parents. Find others around you who support you and celebrate your wins, instead.
1

Confirm favoritism is taking place.

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    If your parents are playing favorites, it means they’re showing special favor towards one sibling over you. This can be hurtful and harmful, so make sure that they’re actually playing favorites instead of simply being rude, testy, or distant. The reality is that the fact that you feel like they’re playing favorites is already a meaningful sign, but it still helps to examine this further. [1] Signs they’re playing favorites include:
    • Not celebrating your successes while celebrating your siblings.
    • Frequently agreeing with your siblings while disagreeing with you.
    • Not inviting you to things where your siblings are invited.
    • Paying special attention to your sibling over you.
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2

Talk to your parents about it.

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    Wait for a time when your parents seem like they’re in a good mood and ask if you can talk to them . Let them know that you’re hurt by their behavior and lay out your case. It’s likely they aren’t trying to do this on purpose, and if you’re calm and explain the way you feel, they may stop playing favorites. [2] You might say:
    • “I’m sure you guys don’t do this on purpose, but it feels like you’re prouder of Mike and his job than you are of me, and it’s really been bothering me lately.”
    • “I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, but it feels like you never ask me to come over while you invite Sarah and Dan over every week. I don’t feel included.”
3

Enlist help from your siblings.

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    Contact your siblings and ask them if they’ve noticed the favoritism you’re upset by. If they haven’t, ask them to look out for it in the future. If they have, ask them to help you call them out on it the next time they cross a line. If you aren’t comfortable doing that, you could ask your siblings to talk to your parents separately to ask them to stop. [3]
    • If you’ve got a bit of a competitive rivalry with your siblings due to years of favoritism, feel free to skip this one. It’s common for children of parents who play favorites to grow up fighting with one another for attention.
    • Reach out to your sibling and say, “Hey, Mom has been kind of making me feel bad lately with all the shade she’s been throwing me. I’m not crazy right? Any way you could help me out next time?”
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4

Set firm boundaries with your parents.

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    Instead of addressing the favoritism as a whole, you can simply address the problematic behaviors that bother you the most. By setting boundaries , you’ll make it clear that there is a concrete line that you will not allow them to cross. You’re an adult now, so they should treat you like one. [4] Here’s how to set a boundary:
    • Explain the boundary. “You always talk down to me in front of others. Stop telling me what I should be spending my time doing.”
    • Provide the consequence. “If you don’t stop criticizing the way I spend my time, I’m not going to come over anymore.”
    • Do not negotiate. “It’s not up for discussion. I’m an adult now, and I’m in charge of what I do in my spare time.”
    • Enforce the boundary. If your parents cross the line again, actually enforce the boundary. If you don’t, it will be extremely difficult to set boundaries in the future.
5

Call out cruel behavior in the moment.

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    It can be hard to be direct and call a parent out, even as an adult. Still, it’s a key part of maintaining a reasonable relationship with your parents. If they say or do something seriously inappropriate or thoughtless, tell them. Don’t yell or shout, just tell them why whatever they just did was unfair. [5] You might say:
    • “Hey, that’s really not kind.”
    • “It doesn’t make me feel good when you speak down to me like that.”
    • “I’m hurt that you would say something that cruel.”
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6

Ask them to go to therapy with you.

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    If you and your family members are having a hard time solving your problems, family therapy might be a helpful option. Talking out your problems in a neutral environment may help you keep your discussion productive and civil, and a trained therapist may be able to help you get to the bottom of old hurts and move forward. [6]
    • Having a neutral third party can also make it easier to settle any underlying conflict that’s driving your parent’s behaviors.
7

Accept what you can’t change.

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    As difficult and painful as it can be to deal with feeling like your parents aren’t treating you right, there’s a limit to what you can do. It’s unfortunate, but rest assured knowing that you’ve done nothing wrong here. Your feelings are valid, and you don’t have to put up with anything you don’t deserve. Try to accept that you’re never going to have perfect parents and respect what you do have. [7]
    • If it’s too painful to spend time around your parents when your siblings are around, don’t. There are no rules that say you’re obligated to show up anywhere as an adult.
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8

Stop comparing yourself to others.

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    A lot of the pain you experience as a result of your parent’s favoritism comes from the feeling like you aren’t living up to your siblings. You want to assign a reason to their cruelty. In reality, you and your siblings are entirely different people, and comparing your journeys is pointless. Don’t let your parents trick you into thinking you have something to live up to. [8]
    • It’s common for kids who grow up with parents who play favorites to become really competitive with their siblings as adults. Try to not view your siblings as opponents and cultivate your relationships with them.
9

Celebrate your successes with people who care.

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    Favoritism often hurts a lot when it comes to not being recognized for your accomplishments. If you get a new job, a promotion, or you finally finish a big personal project, go tell your friends or partner first. Celebrate with them, get that validation and love, and then move on and tell your parents if you want to. [9]
    • If you go to your parents first to celebrate good news, they’re likely to let you down. That can ruin your entire mood and feeling of self-worth going forward.
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10

Rely on others for support.

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    Parents who play favorites are often not the best resource when times are tight. You may also feel like you’re giving your parents more ammunition by going to them when things aren’t going great. Reach out to friends, other relatives, or your partner when you need advice or a shoulder to cry on. [10]
    • There’s no shame in getting professional support. If you want to find a qualified therapist or counselor, go to BetterHelp and search for help near you.
11

Distance yourself from your parents.

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    Limit the time you spend around toxic family members. If, despite your best efforts to get along, your parents or siblings act competitive or cruel towards you, it may be best to simply spend less time around them. Know your own limits, and set boundaries for which negative behaviors you won’t tolerate. [11]
    • For instance, you might be able to tolerate a sibling’s petty behavior, but draw the line at verbal abuse. [12]
    • You may also elect to take the lead on planning situations in which you will see these family members so that you can better control your comfort level by accounting for things like location, time, who will be there, length of the visit, etc.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How does parental favoritism affect a child?
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Developmental Psychologist
    Dr. Leslie Bosch is a Developmental Psychologist, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and Owner of Bosch Integrative Wellness. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in providing stress relief coaching services to individuals and groups using a variety of scientifically proven methods for change including motivational interviewing, positive psychology, self-compassion, non-violent communication, social learning theory, and self-determination theory. Dr. Bosch received training from the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and earned a PhD in Human Development and Family Studies from The University of Arizona. She is also a member of the National Board of Health and Wellness Coaching Association. Dr. Bosch has published many papers and been featured in the media numerous times.
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Developmental Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    The number one consequence is that it can drive a rift between the siblings. They can become more competitive with one another, rather than supportive and collaborative, and this can extend to adult life. Also, the person who isn't receiving the fair treatment can begin to feel bad about themselves, thinking they don't deserve good things, and even engage in behaviors that are not healthy.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/09/17/349246014/kids-perception-of-parents-favoritism-counts-more-than-reality
      2. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/has-your-mom-said-she-doesnt-have-a-favorite-child-thats-probably-a-lie/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-favorite-child/201003/spontaneous-conversations-favoritism
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/202201/healthy-boundaries-adult-children-toxic-parents
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/202201/healthy-boundaries-adult-children-toxic-parents
      6. ↑ https://archive.nytimes.com/well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/06/14/sibling-rivalry-the-grown-up-version/
      7. ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-dont-call-out-a-parent-for-playing-favorites/2016/08/23/f960a04c-664c-11e6-8b27-bb8ba39497a2_story.html?utm_term=.4a03bdc0ed4e
      8. ↑ https://www.livescience.com/8385-mom-favoritism-stings-adults.html
      9. ↑ https://www.americansurveycenter.org/the-problem-with-parental-favoritism/
      1. ↑ https://www.americansurveycenter.org/the-problem-with-parental-favoritism/
      2. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/13/a-letter-to-my-parents-whose-favouritism-ripped-our-family-apart
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-favorite-child/201104/when-favoritism-becomes-abuse

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