How to Deal with an Insecure Person at Work (9 Easy Ways to Make Your Life at Work Easier)

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Everyone feels insecure sometimes. If someone is chronically insecure, though, it can be difficult to work with them. Someone who puts others down to feel better or struggles to complete tasks due to their low self-esteem may be tough to work alongside, but there are many ways you can approach the issue. Here are some tips on how to work with an insecure person in a respectful, compassionate way while keeping your own boundaries in mind.

Section 1 of 10:

Signs of an Insecure Employee

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  1. Insecurity can be difficult to separate from personality quirks, cultural differences, and even a fear of risk. But when employee behavior starts lowering morale or negatively affecting projects, here’s what to look for: [1]
    • hesitance to take on responsibility and a fear of doing the wrong thing
    • an inability to ask for help and/or take critical feedback
    • defensiveness or a tendency to blame others
    • a need for external validation
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Section 2 of 10:

Praise your coworker for what they do well.

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    Make your compliments genuine and specific to this coworker's talents. If this person puts themselves down and you disagree with their criticism, encourage them to see their own skills. If you're a supervisor, make sure you give positive feedback to this employee whenever you can to up their confidence and help them continue to improve. [2]
    • Maybe your coworker prefaced a point they made with, "This probably doesn't make sense." Encourage them by saying, "That makes perfect sense. You make an excellent point."
    • You don't have to give the person constant reassurance, but a few positive comments throughout the week can really help someone feel better about their performance.
Section 3 of 10:

Help them out when they need it.

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    Do so in a respectful, casual way so that they don't feel like you're being condescending or pointing out their flaws. Conversely, boost their faith in their own talents by asking for their help with something. [3]
    • Offering and asking for help fosters a trusting, collaborative atmosphere. That way, your colleague can realize that everyone has strengths and weaknesses in the workplace, not just them.
    • Say something like, "When I first started in this role, I had a really hard time with the database system. Let me know if I can ever help or answer any questions!"
    • To ask for help, try, "I'm struggling a little bit with this PowerPoint project. Your PowerPoint in the meeting last week was great. Do you have any tips?"
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Section 4 of 10:

Be patient with them.

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    If you're managing an insecure person or working alongside them, try your best to exercise compassion and understand it may take some time for this person to improve. Keep encouraging them with positive feedback, especially if you're a supervisor, and trust that their self-esteem will improve as they get better at the job. [4]
    • If your coworker puts you down or takes out their insecurity on you, try your best not to take it personally.
    • You by no means deserve to be mistreated, but it can help to remember that this person's behavior has nothing to do with you. [5]
Section 5 of 10:

Spend some extra time getting to know them.

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    If you have time, take a few minutes out of your day to ask this coworker how they're doing. Take an interest in their hobbies outside of work, what is currently going on in their life, and what they enjoy about the job. If they see you as an ally, it may help diffuse their insecurity. [6]
    • Next time you see them in the break room, say something like, "Hey Alex, I heard you just got a new cat. Have you decided on a name?"
    • Even a brief "How's your day going?" by the water cooler can really show that you care and improve someone's confidence.
    • Over time, this can help establish trust between you and this coworker. This can make them feel more secure in their position on the team.
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Section 6 of 10:

Balance helping them with taking care of yourself.

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    [7] Working with an insecure person can take a toll on you if they rely heavily on your reassurance or take out their feelings on you. If you're stressed out at work because of them, pause to take a few deep breaths. Spend some time away from them with coworkers that make you feel good. Remind yourself why you like your job and what you are grateful for despite this potentially difficult situation. [8]
    • If you need some time to yourself, you might tell them, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I've got a lot of projects that I need to focus on today. I'm going to need to get back to my work!"
    • They might try to make you feel guilty for needing some time away from them. If they do, try your best to brush off this behavior. Focus on your work and the things that make you happy. You've done nothing wrong.
    • Taking care of yourself can help you be more effective when you work with your coworker. By meeting your own needs first, you won't feel so stressed and will have the tools to assist them. [9]
    • Practicing self-care can also prevent you from internalizing your insecure coworker's behavior or taking it personally. [10]
Section 7 of 10:

Limit your communication with them if it's affecting your own work.

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    You're under no obligation to help or spend time with someone who is mistreating you. Keep your conversations with this person brief and only talk about things that are related to work. Be respectful to keep things civil, and set firm boundaries. If they ever do something that makes you uncomfortable, like giving a backhanded compliment, politely excuse yourself from the conversation. [11]
    • Don't entertain passive aggression. Say something like "Thank you for your feedback. I've got a lot of work to finish up, so I think I have to get back to my desk" and be on your way.
    • Sometimes insecure people try to build up their confidence through gossip or taking others down. If this coworker does this, don't engage. [12] Change the subject or leave the conversation instead. [13]
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Section 8 of 10:

Make expectations clear if you're in charge.

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    If you are a manager, give detailed and specific instructions on what is expected of them. Offer to answer any of their questions, and be willing to put in some extra time explaining things to them. If you're a colleague and working on a project together, answer any questions they may have. You might try delegating tasks among the two of you so that you both know exactly what you need to accomplish. [14]
    • This can help the employee feel more secure doing the work on their own.
Section 9 of 10:

Address their performance privately and directly if you're a supervisor.

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    Talk privately with the employee in a compassionate, respectful manner about their insecurity and cite specific ways in which their insecurity is hurting both themselves and their coworkers. Provide solutions so that the employee leaves the interaction feeling empowered to improve. [15]
    • Be very sensitive when discussing this issue, as it may be hard for an insecure person to receive constructive criticism. Try prefacing your feedback with some compliments on things they do well first.
    • Start with something like, "I'm always so impressed by how passionate you are about this work."
    • Follow that with your feedback, i.e. "It would really improve your performance if you were a little more receptive to your coworkers' perspective in meetings. Sometimes working as a team means listening to another point of view."
    • If they continue to struggle with no improvement, you may have to address the issue with them again. Though it may be tough, sometimes the role may just not be a good fit. Be honest with them and yourself if that is the case.
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Section 10 of 10:

Talk to your supervisor or HR if the problem escalates.

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    If you have tried to coexist peacefully with your coworker and their insecurity is getting in the way of your ability to work, bring up the subject respectfully with HR or a supervisor. They can help mediate the issue and potentially give that employee resources to handle their insecurity. [16]
    • Bring in specific examples of how this coworker's insecurity has affected your morale and work performance.
    • For example, if they get defensive anytime you try to bring up feedback, cite how this affects the efficiency and outcome of group projects.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you deal with someone who is trying to discredit you?
    Melody Godfred, JD
    Career Coach
    Melody Godfred is a Career Coach, Entrepreneur, and Founder of Write In Color, a full-service resume and career development company that specializes in developing compelling personal narratives and brands. With over ten years of experience, Melody has worked with clients at entertainment and media companies including Apple, Disney, Fox, Netflix, Riot Games, Viacom, and Warner Bros, among others. The Muse invited Melody and Write In Color to serve as one of its 30 trusted career counselors (out of 3,000) to provide one-on-one coaching and resume services to the platform's more than four million active users. Melody earned a JD from Loyola Marymount University and BS from the University of Southern California.
    Melody Godfred, JD
    Career Coach
    Expert Answer
    Taking care of yourself and remembering the positive can help you manage a difficult situation more effectively. It can also prevent you from internalizing your insecure coworker's behavior or taking it personally.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/04/how-to-manage-an-insecure-employee
      2. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20150717-truly-mean-or-just-insecure
      3. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20150717-truly-mean-or-just-insecure
      4. ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/248764
      5. ↑ Melody Godfred, JD. Career Coach. Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.
      6. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20150717-truly-mean-or-just-insecure
      7. ↑ Melody Godfred, JD. Career Coach. Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/6-ways-to-stress-less-at-work
      9. ↑ https://time.com/4886913/how-to-take-care-of-others-without-burning-out/
      1. ↑ Melody Godfred, JD. Career Coach. Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.
      2. ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2016/12/08/4-types-of-difficult-co-workers-and-how-to-deal-with-them-without-losing-your-mind.html
      3. ↑ Melody Godfred, JD. Career Coach. Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.
      4. ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/279445
      5. ↑ https://hr.berkeley.edu/hr-network/central-guide-managing-hr/managing-hr/managing-successfully/performance-management/planning/expectations
      6. ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/356582
      7. ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2016/12/08/4-types-of-difficult-co-workers-and-how-to-deal-with-them-without-losing-your-mind.html
      8. ↑ Melody Godfred, JD. Career Coach. Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.

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