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Get the toxic people in your life to back off by showing them their behavior doesn’t have an effect on you
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From coworkers to neighbors to exes, we can’t always avoid run-ins with manipulative or even abusive people. In some cases, you may still like this person and want to carry on a relationship with them, such as a narcissistic family member. However, we can potentially get them to curb their toxic behavior using a technique called grey rocking . If you’re new to grey rocking, stick around: we’ve got everything you need to know about this new psychological strategy for dealing with the toxic people in your life.
Things You Should Know
- The grey rock method involves pretending an abusive or toxic person’s behavior isn’t getting to you. If they don’t get an emotional reaction from you, they might stop.
- Maintain a neutral or bored expression, look about the room disinterestedly, and give one-word replies when you're using the grey rock method.
- Use the grey rock method in short-term situations and low-risk interactions, such as with a narcissistic coworker or an overbearing mother.
Steps
Section 2 of 4:
How to Use the Grey Rock Method
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Maintain a neutral expression in response to the toxic person. When this person says something offensive or manipulative to goad you, you might feel your blood boil, but it’s important not to show it in your facial expression. Remain emotionless , as if you don’t even compute what they’re saying, or glance about the room as if you’ve never been more bored in your life.
- Depending on the nature of your dynamic with this person—for example, they’re narcissistic, but not necessarily abusive—you might choose to smile or laugh authentically when they speak to you respectfully. Just as grey rocking can discourage mistreatment, friendliness at good behavior may encourage more of that behavior. [3] X Research source
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Reply with one-word answers, such as “Yeah” or “Mmhmm.” After they say or do something to push your buttons, your instinct might be to snap back at them, but it’s important to withhold all emotions , including negative ones. Maintain a monotone, and only respond when you must, keeping your responses as brief as possible. [4] X Research source
- Prepare for their words to get more and more inflammatory as you continue to grey rock. They’ll likely want to trick you into arguing with them and losing your cool, but it’s important to remain calm .
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Shift the conversation to neutral subjects. Stick to brief responses and keep your interactions as short as you can, but if you must have a conversation, try to change the topic of conversation away from incendiary subjects and towards more generic, neutral subjects, like the weather: “We’ve been getting so much rain lately, huh?” Avoid asking them questions about themselves so that they can’t take control of the conversation (and to avoid feeding their ego).
- Use your surroundings to your advantage: keep your focus on the things happening around you to avoid paying attention to the toxic person, or use your environment as inspiration for a subject change or an excuse to get out of the conversation. For instance, at a family gathering: “Dinner should be ready soon—I’m going to go see if they need any help in the kitchen.”
- In the same vein, avoid giving them personal information that they can use against you. If you must share about your life, keep it surface-level: what movie you saw recently, what you ate for lunch today—something they’ll have a hard time emotionally latching onto.
- If you sense an argument brewing, ask to change the subject —or just take the initiative and change it yourself: “I appreciate your thoughts, but let’s talk about something we both agree on.” [5] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
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Limit the amount of time you spend with the toxic person. Grey rocking is exhausting and can therefore take a lot out of you. It’s most successful when it’s not a daily chore. It’s best performed with people whom you don’t have to see one-on-one, frequently, or for long periods of time. Try to have plans in place to limit the amount of time you spend chatting with them, or take a buddy with you when you have to interact with them. [6] X Research source
- Try to have an excuse in your back pocket for why you can’t chat longer, like, “Sorry, I’ve got to run to the bathroom” or, if they’re a coworker, “I’m late for a meeting—catch you later.”
- If appropriate (e.g., when you have to meet your toxic ex or go home for the holidays and see your narcissistic mother), invite a good friend along when you interact with this person to act as a buffer. They can pick up the slack in the conversation as needed, or be there for support after you’ve ended the interaction.
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Avoid telling them you're using the grey rock approach. Telling them you're using this technique will not only alert them to what you're doing, but it will let them know their behavior has had an effect on you, enough for you to attempt a new method for dealing with them. In short, letting them know you're grey rocking is a way of letting them know their behavior is getting to you.
- Grey rocking is a tool for outsmarting a toxic person; by telling them that's what you're doing, you lose the element of surprise, which is essential for confusing them.
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Section 4 of 4:
When to Use the Grey Rock Method
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Grey rock someone if they’re emotionally abusive towards you. Emotional abuse refers to nonphysical behavior that attempts to control or manipulate someone by isolating them, scaring them, or damaging their sense of self-worth. Emotional abuse might take the form of yelling, humiliation, threats, insults, excessive monitoring or possessiveness, intense insecurity and jealousy, intimidation, or belittling attitudes, but it can encompass many other behaviors. [11] X Trustworthy Source National Domestic Violence Hotline Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse Go to source
- Emotional abuse may exist in romantic relationships, relationships with parents or other family, between friends, coworkers—basically anyone.
- It may also range in severity and frequency. For instance, one emotionally abusive person might belittle or dismiss you, which you may find upsetting, but not necessarily frightening; another person may threaten you or yell at you, which may be more traumatic.
- Because toxic people thrive off of getting an emotional reaction from you, grey rocking can be effective because it denies them of your response. However, if their abuse is severe or frequent, grey rocking may be extremely difficult or even dangerous. At this point, cut them out of your life if possible.
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Grey rock as an alternative to cutting someone out of your life. Grey rocking is a method for dealing with toxic or manipulative people without going no contact, or perhaps as a stepping stone towards no-contact. It’s a means of engaging with the toxic person (either because you have to or you choose to) without giving them the opportunity to be emotionally abusive. [12] X Research source
- Some people differentiate between strict grey rocking—i.e., avoiding engaging with this person as much as possible—and yellow rocking—engaging with the person (because you must or you choose to), but keeping the conversation superficial and giving them nothing of yourself.
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Use the grey rock method for short-term interactions. We’ve all got toxic people we can’t avoid—and some of them we may actively want to figure out how to deal with because we want to keep them in our lives, like parents or friends. The grey rock method is a form of setting strict boundaries , which may be exhausting to maintain in long-term or daily situations, such as with a roommate or a romantic partner. [13] X Research source
- If you’re considering using the grey rock method with a romantic partner, consider just ending your relationship , if possible. While an occasional interaction with a toxic family member may be tolerable, you deserve a close, intimate romantic relationship with someone who won’t manipulate you.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about the grey rock method, check out our in-depth interview with Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW .
References
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/31/grey-rocking-how-to-bore-a-toxic-narcissist-out-of-your-life
- ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/how-to-live-with-a-narcissist-what-you-should-know/
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/31/grey-rocking-how-to-bore-a-toxic-narcissist-out-of-your-life
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/holiday-arguments-brewing-heres-how-to-defuse-them-202212142866
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/31/grey-rocking-how-to-bore-a-toxic-narcissist-out-of-your-life
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3946264/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7216544/
- ↑ https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/jaba.954
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/cutting-people-off/
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/31/grey-rocking-how-to-bore-a-toxic-narcissist-out-of-your-life
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/31/grey-rocking-how-to-bore-a-toxic-narcissist-out-of-your-life
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