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Learn how to leave a toxic partner and rebuild your life
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A toxic relationship can be extremely damaging to your well-being, but sometimes it can be difficult to let it go. Whether you're still in love with someone you know is toxic or just don't know how to call it quits, you've come to the right place. Keep reading for advice from expert counselors on how to leave a toxic relationship and reconnect with yourself. Not sure if your relationship is truly toxic? We'll also let you in on the key signs that you're in an unhealthy relationship.
Things You Should Know
- Build up your support system and make a plan before you end a toxic relationship. Then, make a clean break and cut all contact with your ex.
- Take time to care for and nurture yourself after you end the relationship. Give yourself time to heal before you jump back into another relationship.
- If you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells, can't do anything right, and feel anxious all the time, you're likely in a toxic relationship.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Leaving a Toxic Relationship
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Talk to people you love and trust about your situation. If you've come to suspect that you're in a toxic relationship, talk to trusted friends and family members about the situation. They can affirm and validate your feelings and help you consider your next steps. Let them know that you're thinking about ending the relationship and that you'll need some help and support to follow through. [1] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- This can be difficult if your partner has been keeping you from hanging out or talking to your friends very much. You might feel as though you've alienated them, but your true friends will always have your back.
- If there's been distance between you, they'll likely understand once you explain the situation. Just let them know that it has nothing to do with your feelings for them and that you recognize you're in a toxic relationship that needs to end.
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Pull together any resources you need to make a clean break. When you're leaving a toxic relationship, it's typically best not to draw things out—but it's not always easy to just up and leave, especially if you're living with your partner or have kids with them. Think about what you'll need to get out and move on with your life and make sure everything you need is in place before you pull the plug on the relationship. [2] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Relationship counselor Jason Polk recommends choosing a friend to take the lead in terms of getting you the support you need, "whether that would be financial support or whatever... so that you know [when] you leave you will be supported."
- This is especially important if you're concerned that your partner might get violent if you end the relationship. You want to make sure that you can get out safely and that you won't have to interact with them again.
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Seek professional help as needed. Depending on your situation, you might want to get a counselor, therapist, or even law enforcement involved. There are tons of resources in every community that will help keep you safe and secure as you make your way out of a toxic relationship. Even if your partner isn't abusive, you can still access these resources just to err on the side of caution. [3] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Therapist Jay Reid notes that "you may be mistaken not to seek out external resources," including domestic violence hotlines, if you're afraid your partner might become violent or abusive.
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Let your partner know that you are ending the relationship. Choose a time when both you and your partner are relatively calm. Sit down with your partner in a private place with no distractions and tell them on no uncertain terms that you think it's best for both of you to end the relationship. Be clear that you're done and you don't intend to have any further contact with them. [4] X Research source
- If you're concerned that your partner might threaten you or get violent, you might want to have this conversation in a more public place, such as a park. You'll feel safer if there are other people around.
- You don't have to go into tremendous detail here. For example, you could simply say, "Our relationship isn't working for me. I've thought it through, and I want to end it."
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Remove yourself from the situation immediately. A toxic person might not accept the relationship or might try to get you back. Immediately after you have your conversation and tell them that the relationship is over, be ready to pack up and leave. If you lived together, this might require a little effort or you might need to get friends to come over and help. [5] X Research source
- When you're leaving a relationship like this, keep in mind that you might not be able to take everything with you. Your safety and well-being are more important than stuff. Take what you need and what you can't live without—don't worry about the rest. Stuff can be replaced, but you can't be replaced.
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Cut off all contact with your ex-partner. Block your ex-partner on your phone and on social media. If they try to contact you, ignore them. If the two of you frequently cross paths during the day, you might also want to adjust your daily habits so that you don't bump into them. [6] X Research source
- Let your friends and family know that you're going full no-contact as well. Your ex might try to reach out to you through them.
- If you're concerned that your ex might start trying to hunt you down or follow you around, you might also consider taking out a restraining order .
- This step can be difficult if you and your ex have children together because you can't completely cut off contact. Just let them know that you'll only talk to them when necessary for co-parenting.
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Section 3 of 3:
Signs You're in a Toxic Relationship
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You feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells. If you're constantly watching what you say and do for fear that your partner will lash out at you, that's a good sign that you're in a toxic relationship. You might also feel as though no matter what you do, your partner will inevitably find some excuse to be upset or angry with you. [13] X Research source
- Living with this level of tension and constant vigilance can really do a number on your mental health. The stress that you're dealing with can lead to physical health problems as well.
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You consistently feel unhappy or anxious. If you're in a toxic relationship, you've likely noticed that the times when you're happy have become few and far between. You might feel as though your partner or your relationship is a dark cloud that constantly hangs over everything, threatening even moments that should be calm and blissful. [14] X Research source
- You might also feel as though whenever anything good happens, your partner is always going to come up with some way either to ruin the good moment or make you feel bad about it.
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You feel as though you have to sacrifice for the good of the relationship. When you're in a relationship with a toxic person, they tend to make everything about them. That means that whenever your needs or wants conflict with theirs, you're expected to sacrifice so that they can get their way. Your partner likely treats your wants and needs as secondary to their own. [15] X Research source
- Your partner might also tell you that you're being selfish whenever you attempt to assert your needs or set boundaries.
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You are plagued with self-doubt and feel like you are being judged. If your partner is toxic, they likely believe they need to put you down to feel better about themselves. Any time you disagree with them, they'll be quick to point out how wrong you are. They'll likely also make you feel as though you can't do anything right or that nothing you do will ever be good enough for them. [16] X Research source
- Toxic partners can also use this tactic to make you feel trapped in the relationship. They'll make it seem as though you're lucky to have them and no one else would be interested in being in a relationship with you.
- Relationship counselor Jason Polk notes that a toxic partner will often "gaslight you and make you feel bad or stupid for bringing up any issue." This can make you seriously question your understanding of specific events or the relationship as a whole.
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You don't believe your partner respects you or your boundaries. Toxic partners don't like boundaries and tend to whittle away at them until there's nothing left. They need to be in control in the relationship and your boundaries mean they can't have absolute control. [17] X Research source
- They likely also make you feel guilty for even having boundaries. They might tell you that it's unfair of you to deny them something that they want.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat are the signs of a toxic relationship?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.Any kind of abuse is a surefire sign. Physical abuse is an obvious sign, but emotional or verbal abuse count as well. If you find yourselves avoiding alcohol because the two of you tend to get into it whenever someone drinks, that can be another sign of toxicity. This is the kind of thing where you should trust your gut. If something feels terribly wrong, it probably is.
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QuestionWhat does it mean if I'm always thinking about another guy?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.If you're constantly comparing your current relationship to a past relationship, or you're always daydreaming about being with someone else, it's a sign that something is seriously wrong. It may not necessarily mean your relationship is toxic or that you need to break out, but there is some kind of underlying problem that needs to be addressed.
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References
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/how-leave-narcissist-or-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/how-leave-narcissist-or-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201904/how-leave-narcissist-or-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202103/what-is-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201709/how-leave-toxic-relationship-and-still-love-yourself
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202103/what-is-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202103/what-is-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202203/14-signs-unhealthy-relationship
- ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/warning-signs-of-toxic-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202203/14-signs-unhealthy-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202203/14-signs-unhealthy-relationship
- ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/ending-domestic-violence/signs-of-a-toxic-relationship
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