How to Make Friends in a New City After College

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   1
   Take it slow. You don’t need to find your BFF in one day—which is good, because you probably won’t! It takes time to get to know people , so try not to rush it. ^[7]

   • You might feel kind of lonely for a little while as you get to know your new surroundings and new people, but it'll happen, so try not to feel discouraged!
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   Become your own friend. Your own company isn’t a substitute for the company of others, but your first days, weeks, and months in a new place constitute a special opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery.

   • Take yourself out on dates around town and explore your new city on your own terms. Claim your territory.
   • Find your spaces—your bookstores, your bars, your favorite tree in the park. You could even bring a new friend to one of your favorite places eventually!
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   Try not to make a snap decision about a new friend. In grade school and college, you probably made a few friends just by being “forced” to be around each other for a long time. In the real world, though, you have to be a little more intentional about meeting up with someone.

   • This can make you feel like you need to decide on your first hangout whether they’re really friendship material—resist that urge!
   • Sometimes you know right off the bat when someone’s not a good fit, but often, you don’t. Don’t be afraid to give someone multiple shots to be a good friend.
4. 4
   Be intentional about your friendships. While you might not have a whole lot of choices when it comes to who you socialize with in childhood and in school, as an adult in the “real world,” you probably have to be more intentional about spending time with people. ^[8]

   • Friendships are less likely to happen “naturally” when you’re out of school, so you’ll probably have to carve out dedicated time to hang out with people or keep in touch with them.
   • This also goes for friends you may have left behind in your old city—if you want to keep in touch with them, it won’t happen without effort! Make a habit of catching up via phone once a week or month, for instance.
5. 5
   Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Making friends in adulthood can feel embarrassing and even a little silly, probably because it felt so natural when you were in school. But in adulthood, making friends is unlikely to happen if you aren’t willing to be a little vulnerable. ^[9]

   • Remember that many of the people you meet are eager to make new friends too, and are just waiting for someone to initiate a friendship!
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   Try not to take rejection personally. In many ways, making new friends is a lot like dating: you’re putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, and hoping you like the other person and that they like you back. If someone doesn’t seem interested in pursuing a friendship, try not to feel too bad about it —the other person just might not be a good fit, or maybe they’re not really available for friendship right now. ^[10]

   • As Bill Murray said in What About Bob? , “I treat people as if they were telephones. If I meet somebody I think doesn't like me, I say to myself, ‘Bob, this one is temporarily out of order.’ Don't break the connection, just hang up and try again!”
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   1
   Smile and make eye contact. When you’re talking to a stranger or someone you don’t know very well, the best icebreaker is a friendly face! ^[11] Show the person you’re interested in talking to that you’re safe and fun—if they smile back, they may be receptive to chatting, at least for a moment.
2. 2
   Ask a generic but sincere question. “Small talk” gets a bad rap, but it has a purpose: it allows two people to test the social waters and can lead into deeper, more compelling conversation—and eventually even friendship! ^[12]

   • Ask the person you want to engage a simple question to get the conversation started, like, “What are you getting for lunch?” or “I’ve never been to this cafe before—what do you recommend?”
   • A question indicates that you’re interested in getting to know the person better, which may help them open up more.
3. 3
   Ask open-ended questions. While a generic question can help you gauge someone’s interest in chatting, open-ended questions foster more thought and propel the conversation forward.

   • For instance, instead of asking, “Are you having a good day?” try, “What have you been up to?” or “What’s been the best part of your day so far?”
   • Instead of “Do you like your job?” try, “What do you like about your job?” or “How did you get into this field?”
   • Small talk has its place, but as Fermin advises, "Don’t shy away from meaningful conversations. Ask them about their life experiences, beliefs, and what they're passionate about. This will give you insight into their values and if they align with yours."
4. 4
   Offer a compliment. Sincere compliments indicate your interest, and they also make the other person feel good about themselves and more receptive to chatting. Plus, if you’re worried about questions coming off intrusive or awkward, compliments may feel a bit safer.

   • “Your sweater is such a unique and gorgeous color! Where did you get it?”
   • “Your presentation earlier today was really compelling. I’d love to hear more about your research process.”
5. 5
   Talk about something you have in common. Something you share can be a great jumping-off point for conversation, and maybe even friendship.

   • “Is that Oingo Boingo on your shirt? They’re my favorite band! What’s your favorite song?”
   • “I see you’ve got sushi for lunch—where’d you get it? I’m a big sushi person but am pretty new to the area still, so I don’t know the best places to go.”
   • “Are you reading Jane Eyre ? That’s like, my favorite book ever! Have you read it before or is this your first time?”
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   Have a tactful exit strategy prepared. Striking up a conversation is an art, but so is ending the conversation! If you’re not sure whether they want to keep chatting, or if you want to stop chatting, or if the vibes just feel…awkward, have a polite excuse in your back pocket.

   • “It’s been great chatting, but I have to get back to work. I’ll see you around!”
   • “Well, I’m going to order a coffee now, but it was good talking to you!”
   • “I’ve really enjoyed this chat, but I’ve got to go make a phone call, so I’ll see you later.”
   • If you’re interested in following up with them, clarify by asking for contact info or asking if they’d like to get coffee sometime. If they say no, try not to take it to heart. It’s probably not personal.
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We asked our staff writers about their own experiences making friends in a new city after graduating. Here’s what they had to say:

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   “See if any friends from school or back home know anyone in your new city you can hang out with.” “Most of the people I know in my current city, I know because a friend from back home connected me with one of their friends here, who introduced me to their friends, who introduced me to their friends, and suddenly I had a little network of pals.” - Staff Writer Dev M.

   • Her advice: “Be intentional, and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. I’d go to events like poetry readings or gallery openings and promise myself I’d talk to one stranger there. Sometimes, the conversation never went anywhere, but other times, we’d connect on social media or see each other at future events, and a friendship would grow!”