6 Imperfect Terms for a Male Mistress

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Plus, the evolution of “mistress” & why it only applies to women
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A mistress describes a woman having an illicit affair with a married man—so what do you call a man who has an affair with a married woman? While there is no direct equivalent in English, words like “lover,” “paramour,” and even “gigolo” are sometimes used to describe these extramarital male companions. In this article, we’ll dive into the words that come closest to the male version of “mistress,” plus explain how the meaning of “mistress” has changed over time and why its use is considered problematic .

Is there a masculine version of “mistress”?

There is no English word that serves as a male version of “mistress.” The unisex words “lover” or “paramour” can be used to describe men having a relationship with married women, while a “gigolo” refers to a paid male escort. The outdated Italian term “cicisbeo” is the closest equivalent to “mistress.”

Section 1 of 4:

Words for Males Similar to Mistress

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  1. “Lover” is a gender-neutral term that means someone who has a sexual or romantic relationship with another, or someone with whom a person has an extramarital affair. [1] Where a “mistress” refers to an unmarried woman having a relationship with a married man specifically, “lovers” can both be married or unmarried, or just one partner can be married (it’s not as pointed of a term).
    • In Victorian times, a man was a woman’s “lover” if he courted her for marriage or loved her romantically. There wasn’t always a sexual connotation.
  2. 2
    Paramour Someone’s “paramour” is the person they’re having a romantic or sexual relationship with, and the relationship is usually considered secret or improper. [2] Like “lover,” this term is almost a direct equivalent. However, it’s gender-neutral and doesn’t imply that a woman is married and having an extramarital affair with a man, exactly.
    • “Paramour” comes from the French word amour , meaning “love.” Historically, it was used religiously—women referred to Jesus Christ as a paramour, and men used it to refer to the Virgin Mary. [3]
    • By the 17th century, though, it was almost exclusively used to describe someone’s secret lover.
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  3. 3
    Gigolo A “gigolo” is a male escort who’s paid to be a sexual partner or companion, or to attend a social engagement with someone. Typically, a gigolo is a younger man supported by money or gifts from an older woman in exchange for his sexual attention. [4] It’s essentially a term for a male prostitute.
    • This term also doesn’t quite line up with “mistress” since a mistress is not typically paid.
    • “Gigolo” is the masculine version of the French words gigole or gigolette , meaning “woman of the streets” or “woman of public dance halls” and first appeared in the 1920s.
  4. 4
    Cicisbeo “Cicisbeo” is an 18th-century Italian term meaning the male escort or lover of a married woman. [5] This is the most direct male equivalent of “mistress,” but it’s considered an outdated and obscure word (especially in English, where the term never really made a substantial crossover).
    • Historically, it was typically only aristocratic women who might’ve had a cicisbeo, and he was a recognized gallant, or a fashionable young man who was courteously attentive to ladies. [6]
    • It’s not totally clear what a cicisbeo’s duties fully entailed. Some say the term implies a sexual or romantic relationship, but others claim the cicisbeo was more of a showy chaperone or a close platonic friend (perhaps with the implication that he was gay).
    • Author Charles Edwardes describes cicisbeos unfavorably: “It is almost impossible for us northerners to take the cicisbeo seriously. He was a cross between a pet dog and a lady's maid, and was beneath them both” ( The Living Age, Vol. 195 , 1892). [7]
  5. 5
    Manstress “Manstress” is a modern slang term that combines the words “man” and “mistress.” It was thought up as early as the 1980s to address the fact there really is no modern male equivalent of “mistress.” It’s defined as “a male object of one's affections who lies outside of one's primary relationship.” [8]
  6. 6
    Boy toy/toy boy In the US, a “boy toy” is usually a young man who’s considered an object of sexual desire. [9] Similarly, in the UK, a “toy boy” is a young man having a romantic or sexual relationship with an older woman. [10] However, these slang terms aren’t quite the equivalent of a mistress since they don’t imply the woman is married or having an extramarital affair.
    • If the young man is getting financial or material support from an older woman for his companionship, the term “sugar baby” could also be used (although, this term is gender-neutral and can apply to young women with older men, too).
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Section 2 of 4:

The Evolution of “Mistress”

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  1. By definition, a mistress was “a woman with power, authority, or ownership.” For example, the term “mistress” could describe the female head of a household, a female head of a school (a headmistress), a woman who supervises servants or employees, or a woman who owns and controls something, like a fortune or estate. It also referred to a woman who was especially notable for accomplishing something or who was an expert in her field (for example, a mistress of music). [11] In this original sense, the male equivalent of a mistress would be a “master.”
    • “Mistress” comes from the Anglo-French word mestresse , which is the feminine form of mestre (“master”).
  2. 2
    “Mistress” evolved into a term for a secret lover over time. It’s not totally clear why, but in the 15th century, the term “mistress” started being used to mean a man’s beloved or sweetheart in a romantic context. By the 17th century, the term resembled its modern usage—a woman having an illicit affair with a married man. [12]
    • This evolution may have started in married households. As a master’s wife, a mistress could be considered a lover (romantically and sexually). However, women did not have to be married per se to be considered a mistress.
    • Around the same time, some uses of “mistress” meant that a woman was being supported financially by a married man as a “kept woman,” or someone subservient to the male breadwinner.
    • In some royal courts, “royal mistress” was a recognized title for a monarch’s extramarital lover. Some received power, money, or influence over in exchange for intimacy, companionship, and advice.
    • Some suggest that a mistress’s power and authority started being applied to sexual dominance or persuasion (like a dominatrix). This definitely would have contributed to the shift in meaning.
  3. 3
    “Master” is not considered the male version of a modern “mistress.” The masculine word “master” did not evolve like the word “mistress” and still means someone who owns, controls, or has authority over something, or who is very accomplished in his craft. [13] Because of this, it’s no longer thought of as the male equivalent of a mistress.
    • Fun fact: The abbreviations “Mr.” and “Mrs.” originally meant “master” and “mistress,” respectively. [14]
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Section 3 of 4:

Is “mistress” an offensive term?

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  1. 1
    “Mistress” is often offensive since there is no equivalent male term. Because there’s no common word to specifically describe a male having an affair with a married woman, the use of “mistress” is lopsided and targeted at women for perceived immorality, whereas men do not get a similar label. Some news and media outlets, such as the Associated Press , have even dropped the word from their style guidelines in favor of less controversial and charged language like “lover” or “romantically involved.” Other women-only terms without prominent male equivalents that are considered derogatory include: [15]
    • Spinster: a woman who remains unmarried after a societally expected age. Single men of any age are called bachelors, which may have positive connotations.
    • Promiscuous: having indiscriminate, casual sexual relations with multiple partners. This term often describes women more than men.
    • Housewife or working mom: a woman who stays home to care for her family or parents while working. “Househusband” or “working dad” are rarely used.
  2. 2
    This reflects different social attitudes toward men and women having affairs. Unfortunately, the modern usage of “mistress” and its implications is pretty one-sided. If a married man has an affair, he’s often just considered a man who cheated (without being given a specific term). However, women who engage in such a relationship are quickly called “mistresses,” labeling them as outsiders, seductresses, or threats. [16]
    • This usage reflects an unfair social view of sexuality and relationships. It’s not considered especially unusual or unexpected for men to have relationships outside of marriage, but sexual faithfulness is almost universally expected of women in relationships.
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Section 4 of 4:

Final Thoughts on Using “Mistress”

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  1. Due to societal double standards and subconscious sexist bias, there is no single term that describes a man as having an illicit affair with a married woman the way “mistress” describes a woman engaging in such a relationship. “Mistress” is slowly becoming a less relevant term as gender equality advances, and is considered offensive since it implies that a woman is responsible for affairs while men are simply behaving as expected.
    • Less charged, gender-neutral language like “lover” or even “paramour” are better alternatives since they can be used to describe anyone and don’t imply blame for the relationship.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.dictionary.com/browse/lover
      2. ↑ https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/paramour
      3. ↑ https://www.etymonline.com/word/paramour
      4. ↑ https://www.dictionary.com/browse/gigolo
      5. ↑ https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/cicisbeo
      6. ↑ https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gallant
      7. ↑ https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/gems-from-the-unabridged
      8. ↑ https://www.yourdictionary.com/manstress
      9. ↑ https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/boy+toy
      1. ↑ https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/toy+boy
      2. ↑ https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/mistress
      3. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2015/08/22/433834943/history-of-a-deeply-complex-word-the-many-meanings-of-mistress
      4. ↑ https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/master
      5. ↑ https://www.dictionary.com/e/mr-mrs/
      6. ↑ https://www.dictionary.com/e/mistress-and-other-words-that-have-no-male-counterpart/
      7. ↑ https://www.dictionary.com/e/mistress-and-other-words-that-have-no-male-counterpart/

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