How to Identify & Deal with a Narcissistic Mother-In-Law

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Use these tips to help manage your relationship with your mother-in-law
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If your mother-in-law has some manipulative or narcissistic tendencies, it can leave you feeling upset, confused, or emotionally drained. Luckily, there are steps you can take to help you uphold personal boundaries so you can manage your relationship with her and protect your marriage in the long run. We’ve outlined them below! Just keep in mind that someone might have narcissistic tendencies without having clinical narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and only a licensed therapist can diagnose NPD.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • If your mother-in-law has narcissistic tendencies, she may crave attention and struggle to empathize with where you’re coming from.
  • Set boundaries with your mother-in-law to keep her from inserting herself into your marriage, and maintain those boundaries even if she protests.
  • Communicate openly with your spouse, so you’re always on the same page and can be a united front if your mother-in-law questions your decisions.
Section 1 of 5:

Signs of a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

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  1. People with narcissistic tendencies may find it difficult to understand another person’s emotional needs. Your mother-in-law may be happy to share her thoughts and feelings with you at length—but if you try and share with her, she may ignore you or dismiss you.
    • She may also make thoughtless or even cruel statements without understanding why they’re hurtful.
    • For example, she might take a bite of something you made for her and say, “This tastes like it’s store-bought. Did you even spend any time on it?” Yet, if you get offended, she might act confused and defensive.
  2. A narcissistic mother-in-law may make negative comments about you to your spouse behind your back, and may even try to manipulate your spouse into taking her side. She may try to gaslight you (make you question your perception of events) by denying something that happened or insisting that you’re reading too much into her words. [1]
    • If she has manipulative tendencies, she may try to bend the truth to her advantage or maybe even lie outright to get what she wants.
    • For example, she might try to make you look bad by giving you the wrong time for a family dinner. Then, when you show up late, she may insist that she gave you the correct time.
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  3. Because narcissistic people tend to have deep-seated insecurities, they often overcompensate by hyping themselves up and acting superior to others to make themselves sound as impressive as possible. [2]
    • For example, she might say something like, “I wish you would all thank me a little more for everything I do. I’m the glue that holds this family together! You’d be lost without me.”
  4. Narcissism may make people feel entitled to other people’s help, but they may not think to return the favor; in some cases, a narcissistic person may only maintain a relationship with someone if they think there’s something to gain from it. [3]
    • For example, your mother-in-law may have a habit of guilt-tripping you or your spouse into doing favors for her, but she may rarely offer to help you when you need it.
  5. People with narcissistic tendencies may struggle to give up control over situations, and when things don’t go their way, they may try to make themselves seem like victims. If your mother-in-law tends to get offended whenever you stand up to her or when things don’t go exactly her way, she may have some narcissistic traits. [4]
    • For example, say she criticizes the decor in your living room and insists on taking you shopping so she can help you choose new decorations, but you give her a firm, “No, thank you.”
    • She might get offended and say something like, “I’m just trying to help you! I don’t know why you hate all of my ideas so much.”
    • She may play the victim to other relatives, telling them that you insulted her taste in decorations or yelled at her when she offered to help you—neither of which is true.
  6. Your mother-in-law may want to feel like she’s involved in all of your biggest life decisions and memories—even if you’d prefer that she isn’t. Feeling involved may make her feel more important, which is understandable—but if she willingly violates your boundaries to do so, she likely has some narcissistic tendencies. [5]
    • For example, a mother-in-law who doesn’t respect your boundaries might crash an event she wasn’t invited to, or show up at your doorstep unannounced and inform you that she’ll be spending the weekend at your place.
    • She may keep pushing your boundaries until they’re firmly communicated and upheld—so it’s up to you and your spouse to set healthy boundaries and maintain them.
  7. Does your mother-in-law dominate conversations or interrupt your stories to tell one of her own? Does she insist on planning every big event so she can be the center of attention, or seem to try to compete with you at every turn? If so, she may have some narcissistic traits. [6]
    • People with narcissistic tendencies often have confident, arrogant personalities, but it’s usually a cover for deep-seated insecurity.
    • Some narcissistic parents may even see you as a competitor for their child’s affection and try to steal their attention away from you.
  8. Looking for admiration is another way a narcissistic person might try to combat their low self-esteem. If your mother-in-law struggles with low self-esteem, she may put herself down just so somebody will protest or make a leading comment to get extra praise and compliments. [7]
    • For example, she might loudly say, “I just threw this dessert together at the last minute; it’s not much,” to try and get you (or someone else) to tell her how great her baking skills are.
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Section 2 of 5:

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

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  1. If she has a habit of crossing your boundaries or becoming overly involved in your life, it may be necessary to limit your contact with her, and try not to clue her into any major decisions or plans ahead of time. [8]
    • Confronting someone with controlling or manipulative tendencies can be difficult because they may try to make you feel like you’re the problem. That’s why withholding information may be easier than directly telling your mother-in-law to leave you alone.
    • There’s nothing inherently wrong with your mother-in-law wanting to be invested in your marriage—but if she can’t resist inserting her opinion when it comes to important decisions between you and your spouse, it might just be best to leave her out of the loop.
    • If she complains or tries to make you feel guilty for not involving her, remind yourself that you don’t owe her anything—especially control over your relationship.
  2. If she seems to lack empathy, sharing your feelings with your mother-in-law may lead to her dismissing them more often than not. Since that can be a painful and frustrating experience, it’s best to control your emotions when you’re around her and share them with someone who’ll be more receptive (like your spouse).
    • When you talk to your mother-in-law, understand that the likelihood of being ignored or dismissed may be high—so it’s best only to discuss topics that don’t need a response.
    • Before bringing something up to her, consider whether you'll get upset if she ignores you. If you really don’t mind that possibility, then go ahead and talk to her.
  3. If your mother-in-law craves admiration, occasional sincere praise may help you stay on her good side. A well-timed compliment could defuse the tension in an uncomfortable conversation or make her more willing to hear you out. Give her an honest compliment if something occurs to you, but remember, it’s not your job to stroke her ego. [9]
    • For example, you could say something like, “You’re a natural at planning these family get-togethers, and they’re always so much fun!” or “Did you get a haircut since I last saw you? It looks lovely.”
    • She may continue to fish for more compliments even after you give her one, but don’t feel obligated to keep praising her.
  4. If your mother-in-law has a habit of being passive-aggressive, you can shut down that behavior by calling it out when it happens. Respond to passive-aggressive comments by “translating” them to what you think she really meant. [10]
    • For example, if she says, “Your kids must really miss you while you’re at work,” you could respond with, “It sounds like you wish I spent more time at home—but actually, we have a great work-life schedule that works for our family.”
  5. There’s nothing wrong with venting to a trusted confidante if your mother-in-law says something particularly nasty or upsetting. Plus, if you need advice on handling a conflict with your mother-in-law, the friends and family members in your support system can step in and steer you in the right direction. Don’t be afraid to ask for help! [11]
    • While your spouse should definitely be someone you can count on for support, it also helps to have other confidantes on your side—especially because dealing with their mother can be difficult for your spouse.
  6. It’s natural to get upset if your mother-in-law regularly disrespects you, but blowing up at her will likely only make things harder. [12] The best defense around her is a calm, collected demeanor. Practice several tricks to calm yourself down and make your interactions with her a bit more bearable. For example:
    • Breathing exercises: Inhale deeply through your nose. Then, hold your breath for a few seconds before exhaling through your mouth.
    • Visualization: Picture yourself looking and feeling calm. Imagine relaxing your muscles and releasing all the tension in your body, and then try it for yourself.
    • Centering object: Keep a small object on your person that you can use to center yourself. When you feel stressed or frustrated, gently rub the object to redirect your focus away from your mother-in-law and onto the object.
    • Fresh air: When you can, excuse yourself and step outside for 5 minutes. Take a short walk and inhale the fresh air until you feel calmer.
  7. Walk yourself through every interaction step-by-step and make a note of each negative comment she made. Then, explain to yourself why that comment is untrue. Remind yourself that what she thinks doesn’t really matter and that you’re not in the wrong for rejecting any critical or insulting comments. [13]
    • If you prefer to reflect privately, try writing your thoughts in a journal .
    • If it’s easier to reflect with someone else’s help, discuss the matter with a trusted friend or a therapist.
  8. Manipulative people can be tough to deal with. Make sure that you have an escape plan if an interaction with your mother-in-law is too upsetting or stressful, and share this plan with your partner so you can work together to get out of the situation. [14]
    • You and your partner could establish a signal to show when one of you wants to get out of a conversation. For example, the signal could be scratching your left ear—or squeezing your partner’s hand 3 times in a row.
    • Prepare a few excuses, too, just in case your mother-in-law wants to know why you have to dash. No need to get too specific; say something like, “I need to use the bathroom,” or “Excuse me, I don’t feel well.”
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Section 3 of 5:

Protecting Your Marriage

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  1. Establish clear ground rules that tell her exactly what she is and isn’t allowed to do around you. Then, discuss those boundaries with your spouse as well, so they can back you up as needed. Remember: you’re allowed to ask for space. If someone can’t follow your boundaries even after being clearly told about them, that’s their fault—not yours.
    • For example, your mother-in-law might have a habit of showing up at your house uninvited and overstaying her welcome even after you and your spouse hint that it’s time to leave.
    • In that case, you might set a boundary for her to call and ask if she can come over before doing so, and tell her that visits shouldn’t go later than 10 PM.
    • Ensure there are consequences whenever she violates a boundary, and enforce them so she’ll respect boundaries in the future. For example, you might tell her you won’t answer the door if she shows up uninvited.
  2. It can be tough having a mother who violates your boundaries or disrespects your spouse. Being raised by a person with narcissistic tendencies might make it harder for your spouse to see that her behavior is abnormal at first. Instead of getting frustrated or angry, do your best to show empathy and love them no matter what. Be patient, explain your perspective, and try to understand theirs.
    • The more accepting and unconditionally loving you are, the more your partner will be able to see the difference between a healthy relationship and the toxic one they may have with their mother.
  3. The more comfortable you and your spouse are with clear, direct communication, the easier it’ll be for you to stay on the same page and manage interactions with your mother-in-law. Practice being vulnerable with one another, sharing how you feel, and working through problems as a team so that you’re prepared for whatever she throws at you. [15]
  4. Explain to your partner that you’d like them to back you up when your mother-in-law questions decisions that the two of you made together as a couple. When it’s just you defending yourself, your mother-in-law is much less likely to take “no” for an answer—but with your spouse (her child) supporting you, she may back off. [16]
    • For example, say your mother-in-law has been critiquing your decision to go back to school for a degree while your spouse works, despite the fact that you made that decision together.
    • You could say, “I feel like your mother doesn’t agree with our decision that it’s time for me to pursue my degree, and I’d like your help in making it clear that the decision isn’t up for debate.”
  5. Does it feel like your mother-in-law is sapping up all of your energy? If so, try to refocus on the things that really matter: your family and self-care. Spend more quality time with your spouse or family, and leave time for self-care practices that make you feel happier and healthier. [17]
    • For example, say your mother-in-law’s attention-seeking behavior has interfered with date nights for you and your partner. Recommit to a regular date night , and turn off your phones so there are no interruptions!
    • In terms of self-care, try to do something you enjoy every day, whether it’s a favorite hobby or a meetup with friends.
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Section 4 of 5:

Getting Professional Help

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  1. Being around an overbearing in-law can dramatically lower your self-esteem. You may even notice that your mother-in-law’s behavior can negatively impact your mental health. A therapist can help you work through the pain caused by your mother-in-law and learn healthy coping mechanisms for future interactions.
    • If your mother-in-law’s behavior is severely straining your marriage, don’t hesitate to talk to a couples’ counselor. They can help you and your spouse work through your issues as a team.
    • If you aren’t sure where to find a therapist , platforms like BetterHelp and Talkspace can match you with a therapist based on your needs and preferences.
Section 5 of 5:

Covert vs Grandiose Narcissist

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  1. People with this kind of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tend to appear shy or vulnerable and exploit that fragility to get attention and sympathy from others. They’re often deeply sensitive to criticism and more likely to try and subtly manipulate you to get what they want. [18]
    • Covert narcissism, also called vulnerable narcissism, is often trickier to spot than grandiose narcissism because of how discreet a covert narcissist’s behavior can be.
    • Your mother-in-law may be a covert narcissist, but keep in mind you can’t diagnose her behavior on your own. Only a licensed therapist can.
    • Not all narcissists are toxic. In fact, many people with NPD are able to manage their behavior with therapy and/or medication. [19]
  2. This type of NPD focuses more on asserting their superiority and getting as much admiration as possible. Grandiose narcissists may be likely to boast or show off in front of a crowd, and they may become aggressive or angry when they feel like things aren’t going their way. [20]
    • Grandiose narcissists may act very self-centered and as though they’re superior to everybody else.
    • Remember that only a licensed therapist can diagnose grandiose narcissism, but whether your mother-in-law has clinical NPD or not, if her behavior is negatively impacting you, it’s worth it to set strong boundaries with her.
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      • Remember that not everyone with clinical NPD is toxic. In fact, many people with NPD are able to manage their behavior with therapy and/or medication. [21]
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Jay Reid, LPCC .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201903/7-ways-narcissists-manipulate-relationships
      2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      3. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      4. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      5. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      6. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202110/the-13-traits-narcissist
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/narcissism
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201705/6-ways-to-say-something-nice-about-people-you-dont-like
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-be-yourself/202010/5-ways-deal-passive-aggressive-people
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/201907/10-things-not-to-do-with-narcissists
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-difficult-family-relationships.htm
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-difficult-family-relationships.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201310/have-in-law-issues
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      10. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      12. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

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