How to Not Get Attached: Non-Attachment Explained

PDF download Download Article
Learn the ancient art of letting go and living life to the fullest
PDF download Download Article

When we have something, we tend to fear losing it, and that’s what we call an attachment. Some of our attachments can be good for us, like love and appreciation for our families, and can motivate us to be our best. But if we’re not careful, some of our attachments can control our lives, altering the way we think and act. In this article, we’ll explain what non-attachment is, how it can benefit you, and signs you may have an unhealthy attachment. We also talked to clinical psychologists Dr. Liana Georgoulis and Dr. Asa Don Brown and life coach Nicolette Tura about how to practice non-attachment through mindfulness, how non-attachment can make your relationships healthier, and how to adapt to change.

Being Less Attached

To practice non-attachment, focus on being present in the here and now by meditating and observing the world around you. Identify your expectations, then accept that things may not go as you want, and that’s okay. Admit that you don’t have all the answers, but never stop searching for them.

Section 1 of 6:

What is non-attachment?

  1. Those who practice non-attachment accept that relationships, material possessions, and life itself are ultimately fleeting. They fully enjoy these gifts of life in the moment and accept them for what they are instead of clinging to them or forcing them to be a certain way (attachment) or distancing themselves from them in an attempt to minimize the pain of inevitable loss (detachment). [1] When you accept that everything must pass, you can allow yourself to fully experience your life, riding the movement of your emotions without being held back by them.
    • For example, perhaps you’re scared of losing a significant other, so you hold them too close or are afraid to show them who you really are. But this ultimately damages the relationship, making them feel suffocated or even distant.
    • Someone who practices non-attachment, though, might accept that they can’t control every aspect of the relationship, and instead would enjoy it for what it is, being honest, taking risks, and accepting surprises as they come, good or bad.
  2. 2
    Non-attachment has its origins in many Eastern religions. Buddhists often practice non-attachment as a way to prevent the material world from distracting them from living a holy life. [2] This is summed up in the concept of “Zen,” or “no thought.” Other religions also incorporate non-attachment, like Taoism, Hinduism, and Jainism.
    3. Advertisement
Section 2 of 6:

Practicing Non-Attachment with Meditation and Mindfulness

  1. Meditation asks you to focus solely on the here and now, letting go of worries about the past or future. These thoughts are attachments that are drawing you away from your center. To work at releasing them, find some time each day to be alone in a quiet space. Try to meditate for at least 10 minutes initially, but extend this time by a minute or 2 each time you meditate. Focus on your breathing and your body, and avoid outside thoughts. [3]
    • Sit or lie down, breathe deeply, and close your eyes. Focus on just existing, breathing, and letting the moment take its course.
    • Download meditation apps like Headspace or Calm to assist you if you are a beginner.
  2. Georgoulis tells us that many people have “such unrealistic expectations about what it means to be a human being.” A fundamental aspect of non-attachment is freedom from expectations. It is often our expectations that cause us to be disappointed in others. When someone breaks plans or trust with you, don’t focus on your disappointment or anger, and don’t dwell on why this person did such a thing. Focus only on what you can do. Let go of the control they had over your happiness.
    • For example, you may expect your friends or romantic partners to be perfect, even if you don’t realize it. Part of non-attachment is pausing and realizing that nobody is perfect, and you must accept them as they are.
    • If you’re ever worried, nervous, excited, or scared of a situation, take note of these feelings, ask yourself why you feel that way, then remind yourself that you can’t know how things will go until they’ve already happened.
  3. Grounding is a practice used by many therapists and psychiatrists to help people stay rooted in the present and aware of the world around them. Another part of non-attachment is staying calm and in control of your emotions. Any time you feel anxious, adrift, or overwhelmed, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself these questions: [4]
    • What are 5 things I can see around me?
    • What are 4 things I can touch around me?
    • What are 3 things I can hear?
    • What are 2 things I can smell?
    • What’s 1 thing I can taste?
  4. As much as is possible, conduct yourself with integrity. But just like with everything else, don’t feel like your ethics or morals are always correct, and accept that they may need to shift. Be honest with others, keep your promises, and don’t steal or hurt others. Focus on taking care of yourself, but not at the expense of others. When in doubt, ask yourself: [5]
    • Is there another way to look at this? Would another person have a different perspective?
    • Do my actions spread happiness? Or do my actions only make me happy?
    • Would I want someone else to do this to or for me?
    • What evidence do I have that this is true?
  5. Like mediation, journaling helps you keep track of your thoughts and emotions and makes it easier to identify your attachments. Each night before bed, take a few minutes to write about your day. Write about any difficulties or successes you had or moments you felt clingy. Choosing to focus on how your day went will help you take your focus off of others. [6]
    • Take note of issues that come up day after day. These may point to attachments that you need to let go of.
  6. Your relationship to non-attachment will grow, shift, and change the more you practice and learn about it, and that’s a good thing! If you can, find other people who practice non-attachment, like groups, clubs, or spiritual organizations, and discuss your thoughts. [7] Or, check out these helpful books on the topic to learn independently:
    7. Advertisement
Section 3 of 6:

Accepting Change

  1. Part of being non-attached means recognizing that you don’t have all the answers, and that your own thoughts and beliefs can and should change. [8] One of the biggest ways you can do this is by accepting and admitting when you don’t know something. If you pretend to know everything, you’ll never truly learn.
    • Never get too comfortable feeling like you’re the “expert or you know it all,” Tura says, “because there's something you can always attempt to see through a beginner's mind.”
    • If someone asks a question and you’re not sure of the answer, say, “I don’t know, but I’m excited to look into it now that you’ve asked!”
  2. When life is unpredictable, it can also be pretty uncomfortable. That discomfort can paralyze you and grind things to a halt, even as the world keeps turning around you. Instead of staying frozen, find something to do! Fall back on your routines, dive into a new project, or hang out with friends. [9] This helps you stay on your feet.
    • That said, you don’t have to be constantly busy. Take time to meditate and analyze the changes and how they make you feel.
  3. Though you can’t control others, you can control yourself and your reactions. If you have recently detached yourself from something or someone, make other changes in your life. Cut your hair or reorganize furniture. Declutter your space or get a puppy. Do something to shift your focus to something new. [10] This will help you get used to change as a part of life and even embrace it, which will make it easier for you to stop clinging to things and people.
    • Stay aware of changes to your life by journaling. After a while, go back and read old journal entries to see how far you’ve come and to prove to yourself that you can adapt and still be happy.
    • Tura says that when you’re in a tough spot, think, “Let's see what I can do to either alter it, accept it, create it, shape it.”
  4. When bad things happen, we often get stuck in self-pity or enjoy feeling sorry for ourselves, but that’s just an attachment to those negative feelings. Stop that cycle by asking yourself what the positives are. There’s always a silver lining, and finding the silver lining will make you happier and healthier. [11]
    • For example, if a dear friend is moving away, it’s okay to miss them, but consider that this is a new adventure for them, and a great excuse for you to have new adventures by visiting their new home.
  5. 5
    Remember that life itself is temporary. Many people who practice non-attachment remind themselves: “Memento mori.” It’s a Latin phrase that means, “remember you must die.” It can seem like a little bit of a downer, but it’s actually the opposite! When you consider that life itself is fleeting, and you only have a few precious moments on Earth, it can make your problems seem small or trivial. [12] That’s what non-attachment is all about.
    • Write the phrase somewhere you can see it every day, like on a bookmark or in a notebook, to remind yourself.
    6. Advertisement
Section 4 of 6:

Practicing Non-Attachment for Healthier Relationships

  1. Being non-attached doesn’t mean being detached from others completely. It means that you value your relationship with yourself just as much as you value your relationships with others. “When entering into a new relationship, begin by setting solid boundary lines and do not allow yourself to leap over them,” Brown suggests. Set clear boundaries with partners, family, and friends so that you can both have respect and space.
    • For instance, give your partners and friends some space. Don’t blow your spouse’s phone up if they aren’t answering; wait to be called back.
  2. Everyone needs their own privacy, even best friends or people in romantic relationships. Avoid the urge to snoop on their social media or devices, and don’t feel the need to ask for or give the passwords to your phone, email, or social media. Maintain your own privacy by keeping some things to yourself unless they need to be shared with your partner. [13]
    • Clear communication is the easiest way to practice privacy. When you’re both open with each other, you become less suspicious and clingy, because you trust each other to make the right choices, even when you’re apart.
  3. Don’t feel the need to call or text them all day; live your life! “Be respectful of their time and your own time,” Brown tells us. You’re both individuals with your own lives, so respect that. Hang out with friends without them, sometimes. Don’t feel the need to be with your partner or friends every day.
    • When you’re only hanging out with 1 person, it’s much easier to get attached, and you end up feeling worse when they’re not there.
  4. Non-attachment means not being attached to your conflicts or resentments, too. It’s best to clear up disagreements ASAP, so you’re not stewing in them. Should an issue arise between you and someone you are feeling attached to, address it. Find a non-busy time for the two of you to talk to hash it out. Be respectful and honest. Listen to their points and try to understand their perspective. [14]
    • Be honest about your own feelings, and remind the other person that you love them, which is why you want to solve the problem.
  5. If you’re trying to force your point of view onto another person, that means you’re too attached to it. Avoid trying to make others see and do things your way all the time. Let go of your need to control them or their actions. Instead, find areas of compromise so that you can both get some things that you want. [15]
    • For instance, you might want more time with a partner, but they might want more space. Agree on a certain number of nights per week to see each other.
  6. Sometimes, non-attachment means letting go of a relationship that’s not serving you. You can’t and shouldn’t have to make someone stay with you. Also, you shouldn’t stay in a relationship that hurts you. [16] Even if you feel super close to someone, they might decide one day that they want something different, or you might. Though it’s hard, it’s going to be okay. Never beg someone to be with you; state your feelings calmly and let them go.
    • If someone wants to break up and you don’t, say, “I don’t want to break up, but I understand where you are coming from. I’m sad that the relationship is ending, but I wish you the best.”
    7. Advertisement
Section 5 of 6:

Common Signs of Attachment

  1. 1
    You wish things would stay the same. This is an attachment to the present moment. You feel comfortable and safe with the way things are, and fear things changing because it might make you uncomfortable. But everything is constantly changing anyway, and so you experience a sharp anxiety or grief as things come and go. [17]
    • This applies to your career, relationships, jobs, and possessions. You hold them close, and experience pain when they alter or start to disappear.
  2. 2
    You’re easily disappointed when things don’t go your way. This is an attachment to your expectations. You think things should be a certain way or work a certain way. When they don’t, it feels like you’ve been let down, or that life is unfair and working against you. [18] But life is unpredictable by nature, and rarely obeys our expectations.
  3. 3
    You often worry about the past or future. You see the future as a dark storm cloud on the horizon. Maybe you expect the worst, or maybe the fact that it’s unclear and hazy causes you anxiety. [19] The thing about the future, though, is that it’s never very predictable, meaning you’re always stressed by the thought of it.
    • This applies to the past, as well. You have regrets or resentments about the way things happened, or like you wish you could go back, and you feel attached to those emotions. But you can’t change the past, so there’s no use clinging to it.
  4. 4
    You have a rigid sense of your own identity. You might feel like you know exactly who you are: you believe this , you do things this way, this is where you come from, this is where you’re going. But the “self,” or your identity, isn’t just a container for your beliefs and possessions. It’s a constantly changing thing that adapts to your environment. [20]
    • If your sense of self is too rigid, then you risk cutting yourself off from new opportunities that you might not think “someone like you” would have or do.
    • One way to change this is to think in terms of “sometimes.” For example, instead of thinking, “I’m bad at this,” think, “I sometimes struggle with this,” to make it less about your own identity.
  5. 5
    You feel possessive or jealous. This sort of attachment is most common in relationships. You wish you could control what other people say or do, and when they don’t do what you expect, you might feel betrayed, left out, or like you don’t actually know them. But everyone is their own person and has the right to make their own decisions, whether or not you approve of them, just like you have that right, yourself. [21]
    6. Advertisement
Section 6 of 6:

Benefits of Non-Attachment

  1. 1
    Non-attachment can make you happier. Studies show that people who practice non-attachment are happier overall. [22] This is likely because they realize that the source of a lot of unhappiness is distress and worry over things they can’t control. By giving up that need for control, you’re able to see things more clearly and stop seeing them in terms of “bad” or “good,” but as they are. What happens in your daily life has less power over your emotions, and you’re able to focus on what matters.
  2. 2
    Non-attachment can lower stress and make you healthier. Stress often comes when reality doesn’t match our expectations. Things don’t go as planned, and so we start to panic and flail to make things right. But what is “right”? Is it just an attachment you had to an expectation? Studies show that people who practice mindfulness and non-attachment are better at rolling with the punches, and so have lower stress and, as a result, are healthier overall. [23]
    • Studies also show that high levels of stress have major impacts on your physical and mental health, which can lead to diseases and mental concerns like depression, headaches, and heart conditions. [24]
  3. 3
    Non-attachment makes you more adaptable. Our attachments make us rigid and unchanging, but the problem with that is that the rest of the world is constantly changing. If you have too many attachments, how will you adapt to new and unfamiliar situations? Practicing non-attachment makes you a more flexible person and opens you up to new skills and experiences. [25]
    • For example, you might think of yourself as someone who doesn’t dance, but that’s just an attachment to a certain identity. Why don’t you dance? Why deny yourself the pleasure?
    4. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      • Remember that non-attachment isn't the same as detachment. Non-attachment means appreciating life for what it is and experiencing it to the fullest, while detachment means emotionally distancing yourself from life and not experiencing it at all. Life is fleeting, but it's meant to be lived!
        Thanks
        Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • If you want a happy and positive life, then don't fall into attachment. The root of suffering is attachment. Attachment creates expectations, and if those expectations are not met, then disappointment comes, which causes suffering and depression.
      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
      Advertisement

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Overcome Commitment Issues: A Complete Guide
      How to
      Overcome Fear
      How to
      Understand Your Emotions
      How to
      Gain Control of Your Emotions
      How to
      Become a Buddhist
      What Does the Unalome Symbol Mean?
      The Meaning of 12 Buddhist Hand Gestures (Mudras)
      A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Pray in Buddhism
      How to
      Reverse Bad Karma
      How to
      Become a Buddhist Monk
      How to
      Be a Shaolin Monk
      How to
      Make a Shamballa Bracelet
      How to
      Practice Mindfulness (Buddhism)
      How to
      Become Enlightened
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6300706/
      2. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272735822000605
      3. ↑ https://zenhabits.net/attachments/
      4. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety
      5. ↑ https://ggie.berkeley.edu/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Challenging-Your-Thoughts-and-Beliefs-Questions.pdf
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/journaling-for-mental-health-and-wellness
      7. ↑ https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/nostringsattached.html
      8. ↑ https://ggie.berkeley.edu/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Challenging-Your-Thoughts-and-Beliefs-Questions.pdf
      9. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/how-to-deal-with-change/
      1. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/how-to-deal-with-change/#new-rhythm
      2. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/look-on-the-bright-side-and-maybe-even-live-longer
      3. ↑ https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2006/05/08/memento-mori
      4. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/digital-boundaries/
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/conflict-resolution-skills
      6. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/conflict-resolution/
      7. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/conflict-resolution/
      8. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/how-to-deal-with-change/#new-rhythm
      9. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/how-to-deal-with-change/#new-rhythm
      10. ↑ https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/anticipatory-anxiety-bleeding-you-are-cut-0
      11. ↑ https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/the-identity-trap-unlocking-growth-from-rigid-self-concepts
      12. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-deal-with-jealousy
      13. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272735822000605
      14. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272735822000605
      15. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037
      16. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886922004706

      About This Article

      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 429,500 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Deborah Ryan

        Jun 20, 2019

        "I read this as I am educating myself on non-attachment. I find it very healthy. I did not quite understand in the ..." more
      More reader stories Hide reader stories
      Share your story
      If you buy through links on our site, we may earn a commission .

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement