How to Respond to Baiting

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Some people really have a way of getting under your skin and they'll say or do intentionally provocative things. This is called baiting. Their goal? To make you lash out in anger—and when you do this, it means they have the upper hand. [1] But you don't have to play this game. While you might not have any control over what someone else says or does, you can control how you respond to it. Read on to learn the best ways to respond when someone's trying to bait you into an argument.

1

Recognize bait for what it is.

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    Baiting is an emotionally manipulative tactic. Often, someone who baits you wants you to get mad at them so they can turn around and play the innocent victim. When you recognize bait for what it is, you're less likely to let that person have control over your emotions. [2] Some examples of baiting behavior include:
    • Snide comments about your abilities
    • Disparaging comments about something you love or enjoy, like your favorite movie
    • Insults disguised as praise
    • Comments that make you feel insignificant or inadequate
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2

Know the signs of baiting.

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    Someone who baits you manipulates your emotions by saying or doing something they know will upset you. If you lose your cool and respond out of anger, they have the upper hand. They can then accuse you of being unbalanced or out of control—they might even claim you're attacking them. Here are some things to look out for: [3]
    • They accuse you of something out of nowhere, or bring up something from the past that's already been resolved.
    • They play the victim, claiming you always attack them or put down their ideas.
    • They make a joke or sarcastic comment that attacks your weaknesses.
    • They focus on negative possibilities or cast judgment on your decisions.
    • They deliberately mischaracterize something you said or did.
3

Smile and nod.

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    Smiling shows the person that you're not getting angry like they want you to. This also gives you a moment to collect yourself so you can control your response.
    • This also sends the person the message that they're not going to be able to control you or your emotional response. Your strength helps you take back control from them.
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4

Adopt a neutral tone and posture.

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    Relax your body and drop your arms to your side. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. If you're face-to-face with the person, your tense posture and clenched fist will tell them you're angry or upset even if your words don't. Keeping your body relaxed helps you keep your voice relaxed as well. [4]
    • It's also helpful to take a step back, especially if the two of you are standing pretty close. Give them a little room and signal that you're not interested in an altercation.
    • If your words don't match your body language, the person will sense that they've gotten under your skin, so they're likely to keep poking at you until you finally crack.
5

Empathize with the person.

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    Baiting can hide feelings of jealousy or resentment that the person doesn't feel comfortable expressing directly. When you empathize , they feel heard and seen. This approach works if they're disagreeing with your approach to something. [5] Here are some things you can say:
    • "I hear you."
    • "You could be right."
    • "I understand what you're saying," followed by repeating back what they said.
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6

Listen to what the person has to say.

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    Sometimes people bait you because they feel like arguing is the only way they'll get their point across. You can make this less antagonistic if you actively listen to their thoughts on the matter. This works well in combination with empathizing when the other person disagrees with something you've said or done. [6] Here are some approaches that could work:
    • "I understand you disagree. Tell me what you would do instead."
    • "Do you see a better way to do things?"
    • "I'm interested in how you would approach this."
7

Express curiosity.

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    Ask the person open-ended questions to better understand them. This approach works great if you feel like someone is trying to bait you into an argument about a political or social issue. Rather than argue with them and butt heads, ask them to explain where they're coming from. Show curiosity about their point of view and look for common ground. [7]
    • You might say something like, "Tell me why you're attracted to that viewpoint."
    • If you're curious about how they might apply their beliefs, you might say, "I've always been interested in that. Tell me what that means for you in your daily life."
    • This only works if you're genuinely curious about where they're coming from. If you actually have no interest, it's not a good idea to get them started. Instead, you can just say, "That's interesting. I'll have to give that some thought." Then change the subject.
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8

Explain that you're hurt.

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    Sometimes, you might get the sense that the person wasn't intentionally trying to bait you. If you suspect they might not realize how their comment affected you, let them know . If they were fully aware that what they said would hurt you, this gives you an opportunity to leave the conversation.
    • You don't have to go into detail. For example, you might say, "Wow, that was really hurtful." You could also say, "That really hurt my feelings."
    • If they press you to explain and you don't want to go into detail, you don't have to. Just say something like, "Just hurt. That's all." You could also say, "I don't feel like getting into it."
9

Use humor.

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    This works with back-handed compliments as well as "Debbie Downer" type comments from people who always want to rain on your parade. Just treat whatever they said as a joke and riff back. They'll soon see that they can't ruffle your feathers that way. [8]
    • "Thanks for the vote of confidence," is a good all-purpose response that includes a little humor. Say it with a happy, enthusiastic tone.
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10

Change the subject.

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    In politics, people call this "spin," and it's an excellent response when you're baited. Instead of addressing what the person said directly, look for an opportunity to start talking about something else . This is a good approach if you're in a conversation you can't easily leave or if you want (or need) to maintain a relationship with the person baiting you. [9]
    • If there's nothing in their comment that you can use, simply look off to the side as though you were suddenly reminded of something, then say, "Oh! I almost forgot to tell you," followed by whatever you want.
    • Don't worry about it being obvious that you're trying to change the subject. They'll get the message that you don't care to respond to their baiting and would rather talk about something else.
11

Thank the person for their input.

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    This response works well for back-handed compliments. The person might be trying to provoke you, but if you act as though you only heard the positive part, you'll avoid a pointless confrontation. [10]
    • For example, if your aunt says, "Congratulations, it's about time you got a real job," you could simply say, "Thanks, I'm looking forward to it!" There's no need to defend your previous work.
    • You might also say, "Thanks, I appreciate your perspective on that." Then, just let the topic go or change the subject. [11]
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12

Walk away.

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    If you're talking to the person face to face, choose not to dignify the baiting with any response at all and simply walk away. If you're chatting online, don't respond at all. You can go offline or block the person's account if you really don't want to interact with them anymore. [12]
    • If it feels awkward to walk away without saying anything at all, you might say, "And with that, I have to get going."
    • You could also say, "I don't want to go down that road. Have a lovely day."
13

Seek support if the behavior continues.

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    Friends or co-workers who you trust can help you deal with the problem. Beyond that, their support will help you get through the situation. If you're a kid, talk to your parents or a trusted adult about the problem you're having. [13]
    • If someone's baiting you online, block their account so you won't see them anymore. If they're being abusive on social media, you can also report their account to the platform.
    • Remember that you never have to face these situations alone. If the person is bothering you, it's likely they're bothering others as well. They'll continue to do so until someone stands up to them and tells them that what they're doing is not okay.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about baiting, check out our in-depth interview with Nancy Lin, PhD .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.safeworkers.co.uk/employee-relations/avoiding-the-bait-at-work/
      2. ↑ https://www.safeworkers.co.uk/employee-relations/avoiding-the-bait-at-work/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
      4. ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/06/how-to-de-escalate-an-argument-with-a-coworker
      5. ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/06/how-to-de-escalate-an-argument-with-a-coworker
      6. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
      7. ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/06/how-to-de-escalate-an-argument-with-a-coworker
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/backhanded-compliment
      9. ↑ https://hbr.org/2011/02/arguing-is-pointless.html
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/one-among-many/202012/backhanded-compliments
      2. ↑ https://hbr.org/2011/02/arguing-is-pointless.html
      3. ↑ https://hbr.org/2011/02/arguing-is-pointless
      4. ↑ https://anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/all-about-bullying/what-bullying/baiting

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