How to Set Boundaries with Narcissistic Parents

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Dealing with a narcissistic parent can really take a toll on your mental health, but setting boundaries with them can help protect you and your family. This can seem like a daunting task, but we’re here for you. In this article, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know about relieving the pressure your narcissistic parent is putting on you.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist and relationship coach, Sarah Schewitz, founder of Couples Learn. Check out the full interview here.

1

Identify the boundaries you want to set.

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    Reflect for a little and determine what concrete, specific boundaries you want to enforce. [1] Then, plot out how you want to frame these boundaries if—or when—you need to present them to your parent. [2]
    • “Be nicer to me” is pretty hard to evaluate. “I want you to stop putting me down” is better, but still difficult to call out.
    • Something like, “You cannot keep bringing up how I don’t make as much money as I should—especially in front of my spouse” or, “I do not want you to interrupt me in front of others to talk about yourself” will work.
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2

Be clear about where the line is.

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    If your heart-to-heart conversation is proving to be not enough and you want to set boundaries, spell it out for them. Talk to them privately, lay out your ground rules, and do not negotiate, argue, or discuss it. Make it clear that this is how it’s going to be from now on. [3] You could say:
    • “I’ve tried to let it go, but I just can’t. You have to stop putting me down at family events. It’s completely unacceptable.”
    • “You cannot give me unsolicited advice about raising my kids. I’m their parent, not you, and this needs to stop now.”
    • “Stop acting like a victim when I don’t drop everything I’m doing to help you out. I’m tired of it and I’m not putting up with it anymore.”
3

Spell out the consequences.

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    [4] A narcissist is unlikely to honor any boundaries if there’s nothing in it for them. Come up with a consequence for crossing each boundary you set. Keep in mind, you don’t want to choose something you aren’t willing to enforce, since bucking on the enforcement will actually make the boundary even less valid in their eyes. [5] You may say:
    • “If you don’t stop putting me down in front of others, I won’t invite you to family events. That’s it. No more Thanksgiving, no more Christmas, and no more annual barbeque.”
    • “If you keep telling me how to raise my kids, they simply won’t be visiting grandpa and grandma anymore.”
    • “If you keep playing the victim card, I simply won’t offer to help with anything. The next time you need me to give you a ride or fix your internet, you can just call someone else.”
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4

Do not negotiate or justify.

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    [6] Do not allow them to plead, discuss, or negotiate where your lines are drawn. They’re your lines, and putting your foot down sets the precedent early that you’re not going to be pushed around here. Feel free to explain why you’re doing this, or answer questions that they have, but don’t concede anything. [7]
    • Phrases like, “This is non-negotiable,” “It’s not up for discussion,” and, “I’ve made my mind up” are going to be your best friend here.
    • The more info you give them regarding your reasons here, the more room they’ll have to try and argue.
5

Ignore the fighting words.

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    They may try to hurt your feelings just to destabilize the situation and wrestle some control back from you. Don’t let them get to you. If they say something to ruffle your feathers, play it off, smile, laugh, or just flat out ignore it. They should stop if they don’t get the reaction they want out of you. [8]
    • Narcissists often try to quarrel to gain control, so take that power away from them. Ignore it when they try to play the victim card.
    • If they throw out counterarguments or try to intimidate you, do not get baited into responding.
    • Remember, you aren’t negotiating here. These boundaries are concrete and you can’t let them think there’s any chance you’ll change your mind.
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6

Don’t let the little violations slide.

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    It’s tempting to let small stuff go, and you should if that “little thing” is truly not a part of the problem. However, if you let them test the boundary, it will weaken over time. The moment you get a whiff that they’re crossing a line, call it out, tell them to stop, and remind them what’s at stake here. If you’re firm and fair, they’ll get the message. [9]
    • If your boundary focuses on negative comments in front of family and they start talking about how successful they were at your age, butt in with a, “Hey. Careful.” Even a raised eyebrow can send the signal that they shouldn’t push it further.
    • If they text you after midnight asking for help with something trivial, reply, “I’m going to bed. We’re not doing this.”
7

Enforce consequences consistently.

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    Enforcing a consequence is never fun, especially if you were hoping it would never come to this, but they’re never going to change if you let things slide. On top of that, if you’re inconsistent, it’s going to be difficult to actually pull the trigger in the future when you want to enforce a consequence. [10] It may be painful, but remember, they’re the one crossing the line, not you. [11]
    • If they show some actual reform in the future, you can reverse the decision.
    • The important thing here is that they know you’ll enforce the consequence, but letting it go if they apologize or actually stop is fair.
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8

Provide positive reinforcement.

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    You really do need to treat a narcissistic parent like a child. If they’re behaving well, reward them. Tell them that you genuinely appreciate them, show them love, and show up a little more often to spend time with them. If they’re respecting your boundary, it’s a sign that they’re respecting you and that your relationship is improving. [12]
    • You can ask them to hang out more often, call them just to talk, or take them out to eat at their favorite restaurant.
    • It can be hard to do this if you’ve got a lot of pent-up anger towards your narcissistic parent. If they’re genuinely making an attempt to do better, you should too.
    • If you need help letting it go, talking to a therapist or counselor may help.
9

Take a break if you need one.

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    [13] Let them know you need some time alone due to their boundary-crossing behavior. Alternatively, you can simply stop responding to them and slowly disengage over time until you’re ready. If it’s necessary for your mental and emotional health, it may be your best move. [14]
    • Don’t beat yourself up if it gets this far. You have nothing to feel bad about if you need some space [15]
    • Some people cut their narcissist parents off altogether. If you think this is the healthiest thing for you, don’t beat yourself up about it. [16]
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10

Take care of yourself.

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    Self-care is essential when you’re dealing with narcissists. Narcissistic parents can always find a way to get under your skin, especially when you’re trying to set boundaries. Look after yourself. Set time aside to get a massage, see friends, and pursue the things you care about. Meditate, exercise, and eat a healthy diet so that you feel your best. [17]
    • Seeing a therapist can really help, especially if you find it emotionally taxing to deal with your parents. You may be surprised, but this is a very common problem, and a therapist will be able to offer insight. [18]

How Do You Set Boundaries With Parents?


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  • Question
    How do you know which boundaries to set?
    Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Rachel Eddins is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Executive Director of Eddins Counseling Group. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in working with clients with eating disorders, anxiety and depression, relationship issues, and career obstacles. Rachel earned a BA in Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin and an MEd in Counseling from The University of Houston. She received a Group Psychotherapist Certification from the American Group Psychotherapy Association and an Intuitive Eating Counselor Certification through Intuitive Eating Pros. She is also recognized as a Master Career Counselor through the National Career Development Association.
    Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    You have to take a look inward and get clear on what you need and what is important to you. To do that, you may have to talk to a therapist or a counselor about it so they can help you navigate your feelings and learn your boundaries more clearly.
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  • Question
    What to do if your parents don't respect your boundaries?
    Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Rachel Eddins is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Executive Director of Eddins Counseling Group. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in working with clients with eating disorders, anxiety and depression, relationship issues, and career obstacles. Rachel earned a BA in Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin and an MEd in Counseling from The University of Houston. She received a Group Psychotherapist Certification from the American Group Psychotherapy Association and an Intuitive Eating Counselor Certification through Intuitive Eating Pros. She is also recognized as a Master Career Counselor through the National Career Development Association.
    Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Reinforce the consequences after they cross a boundary, but remember that this will only work if you're consistent. Boundaries don’t work if they are only enforced some of the time.
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    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      Tips

      • Narcissists often exercise power by soliciting help, so stop helping them. If you don’t reward them for their awful behavior by giving them what they want, you may incentivize them to stop it. [19]
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      • Under no scenario should you consider tolerating abuse. Gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and insults are clear cases where you should put your foot down. [20]
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      References

      1. ↑ Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
      2. ↑ https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/women-narcissistic-parents
      3. ↑ Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
      4. ↑ Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm#
      6. ↑ Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
      7. ↑ https://observer.com/2016/01/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-5-secrets-backed-by-research/
      8. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5679127/
      9. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      1. ↑ Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm#
      3. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      4. ↑ Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.
      5. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/aug/04/daughter-of-narcissistic-mother-no-contact
      6. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      7. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/aug/04/daughter-of-narcissistic-mother-no-contact
      8. ↑ https://cbtpsychology.com/narcissisticmother/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202104/10-things-can-go-wrong-in-therapy-children-narcissists
      10. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5379216/
      11. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=2990

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