16 Signs Your Boyfriend or Husband Has Anger Issues

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Plus, how to handle your spouse's anger
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All of us feel angry or get upset from time to time. But if your partner has anger issues, things can escalate and get out of control. We're here to help. We’ve got all the info you need to learn more about anger issues as well as tips on soothing your partner when he’s upset.

This article is based on an interview with our marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • A man might have anger issues if he gets enraged at the drop of a hat or shouts at you when he’s angry.
  • He might also have anger issues if he is extremely defensive and doesn’t ever apologize for his actions.
  • If your partner has anger issues, call for a 5- to 10-minute timeout when he’s upset so he can cool off. Then, approach him again once he’s calm.
Section 1 of 4:

Signs of Anger Issues

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    When you bring up relationship issues, does he listen calmly, or does he immediately jump to his own defense? In relationships, there are always going to be problems to work on. If your partner can’t listen to you without shouting you down or defending himself, it shows that his anger issues are getting in the way of healthy communication.
    • For instance, maybe you bring up a totally reasonable issue, like how he was late picking you up after work this afternoon. If he has anger issues, he may get unreasonably defensive and start yelling about how traffic was terrible and that you never give him a break.
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    People with anger issues often have trouble relaxing. When your partner is at home, does he seem tense, flustered, or on edge? If he’s unable to calm down, then it’s likely that his anger is always bubbling just beneath the surface.
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    Even if he’s not screaming or shouting at the moment, you might still be able to tell when he’s angry. Look for signs of angry body language like gritted teeth, flared nostrils, dilated pupils, and pursed lips. [1] If you notice body language like this often, he likely has anger issues.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1021 wikiHow readers who are good at reading body language, and only 9% of them agreed that the best way to tell if someone is angry is if they furrow their eyebrows. [Take Poll] Be sure to examine the rest of his body language to determine if he’s actually angry.
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    Even when you two are having a simple discussion, he might escalate things to the point where he hurls insults at you. In healthy relationships, partners respect each other, even when they disagree. Your partner may have anger issues if he can’t control himself enough to not call you names when he’s upset. [2]
    • Afterward, he may feel bad and tell you that it was just the “heat of the moment.” However, reflect on your own behavior: would you ever call your partner names or insult them during an argument?
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    Similar to name-calling and yelling, when your partner belittles you, he might insult your intelligence or your skills. He’ll probably do this when he’s angry at you, and he might make broad, sweeping statements about you based on one mistake. [3]
    • For instance, let’s say you accidentally forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store. If your partner has anger issues, he might explode and say, “You always forget everything I tell you! Can’t you ever do anything right?”
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    Some men experience passive anger instead of outward anger. This might lead him to ignore you or give you the silent treatment when he’s mad. Instead of yelling or shouting, he won’t talk to you until he’s calmed down. [4]
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    Many people with anger issues tend to have a very short temper. Maybe one second your partner seems calm and happy, and the next moment he’s blowing up. This is a key indicator that he has trouble regulating his emotions.
    • For instance, maybe the two of you were just laughing and joking. All of a sudden, he takes a sip of his drink and realizes the waiter brought him the wrong one. Now he’s upset and yelling at whoever will listen.
    • Everyone gets upset sometimes, and it’s normal to feel angry every now and then. However, adults without anger issues have learned to regulate their emotions and can calm themselves down during times of stress.
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    Do you get worried when your partner has to wait on anything? Be it takeout food, an Uber, or a paycheck, a man with anger issues won’t have the patience to wait long. Being impatient could mean that he deals with a lot of anger and intense emotions. [5]
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    Do details tend to slip through the cracks in your relationship? Men with anger issues often have trouble expressing themselves without yelling or shouting, making communication tough. If you find that you two constantly misunderstand each other, it may have something to do with his anger issues. [6]
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    Many people with anger issues have trouble saying “sorry” as well. It’s because it hurts their pride and makes them feel “less-than” to ask for your forgiveness (even when you deserve an apology). [7]
    • He might even seem remorseful and promise that he’ll change. However, you’ll notice a lack of the actual words “I’m sorry” in his vocabulary.
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    Shouting, yelling, and screaming are all signs that point to a man having anger issues. As adults, we learn to regulate our emotions and control ourselves enough so we don’t scream and yell when we’re upset.
    • Maybe something small happens, like you accidentally drop your water cup on the floor. Instead of getting up to help you or even asking if you’re alright, a man with anger issues will probably yell at you for your mistake.
    • He might even throw adult-sized temper tantrums. This is also because he’s never learned how to regulate or cope with negative emotions.
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    If a waiter forgets his drink, he’ll snap at them and demand a refund. If a guy accidentally bumps into him at a bar, he’ll ask him what his problem is. When you’re with a man who has anger issues, you’ll probably notice that he’s always looking for a fight, whether it’s from you or a total stranger. [8]
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    If you’re worried that your partner has anger issues, pay attention to how you feel when you’re around him. Are you relaxed and comfortable? Or are you worried about doing or saying the wrong thing in case he blows up? [9]
    • Pay careful attention to how other people in his life treat him, too. Sometimes, men with anger issues will lash out at loved ones like their friends and family members, too.
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    Instead of physical violence against you, your partner may punch holes in the wall, throw things around the house, or slam doors so hard that they crack. This is a warning sign of your partner’s anger issues, and it shows that he has trouble controlling himself when he’s upset. [10]
    • If your partner lashes out physically like this, there is a very high likelihood that he may attempt to hurt you in the future. [11]
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    Sometimes, anger issues are directed inwards instead of outward. If the guy you’re seeing has inward anger issues, he may physically harm himself or insult himself, especially after he makes mistakes. Usually, this happens after he’s failed to reach a goal or fails to do something. [12]
    • Instead of physical self-harm, he may also self-sabotage. For instance, he might quit his great job or push away his close friends and family.
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    Anger will sometimes drive people to lash out at their partners and use physical violence. If your partner has anger issues, he may attempt to hit you or even physically hurt you. While it can be scary to hear, this could mean that you are in an abusive relationship. If that’s the case, it’s in your best interest to leave him right away. [13]
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Section 2 of 4:

What to Do When Dating a Man with Anger Issues

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    When your partner gets upset with you, it’s natural to feel hurt or angry and lash out. If you notice that your feelings are starting to ramp up, take a few deep breaths and calm yourself down. If you’re both yelling and angry, the situation is only going to escalate. [14]
    • Try counting to 10 in your head to calm your emotions and gather your thoughts before speaking.
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    Ask your partner for 5 to 10 minutes so you can both take a breather and collect yourselves. Then, when you come back, make sure he’s calm before you two start talking again. [15] Look for calm body languages cues, like open palms and a neutral expression, before diving back in.
    • Say something like, “I can tell you’re getting upset. I’m going to take a walk around the block, and when I come back, we can talk.”
    • Be sure to emphasize the fact that you’re coming back so he knows you aren’t just walking away from the conversation.
    • When you come back, say something like, “Are you ready to talk calmly now?”
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    Anger issues can cause a lot of stress and turmoil within a relationship. If your partner’s anger issues are starting to affect your daily life, make an appointment with a couples counselor . They can give you and your partner coping mechanisms so he learns to calm down and speak without emotions. [16] Your partner may learn anger management techniques like:
    • Breathing deeply
    • Visualizing relaxing imagery [17]
    • Repeating a calming mantra, like, “I am calm,” or, “I am relaxed”
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    Being in a relationship with a man who has anger issues can be troubling, even if it’s not technically an abusive relationship. If you find that your partner is impacting your mental health negatively, you’re well within your rights to end the relationship . [18]
    • If you’re worried about your safety when ending the relationship, ask a close friend or family member to come over while you break up with him.
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Section 3 of 4:

How Anger Impacts Relationships

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    When you know your partner may explode at the drop of a hat, it can be tough to be completely honest with them, even about little things. You may find yourself hiding things from your partner or bending the truth just so they don’t get upset. [19]
    • You may also find yourself walking on eggshells around your partner, or being very careful about what you say and do. This makes it almost impossible to relax, and it can lead to added stress, especially long-term.
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    When your partner’s default is yelling and screaming, it’s hard to have a rational and honest conversation. When you’re in a relationship with a man who has anger issues, you may find it tough to bring up relationship issues or talk about things you know make him mad. [20]
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    Insults, name-calling, and yelling all constitute verbal abuse, and any kind of physical assault is physical abuse. If your partner cannot control his anger, there is a much higher likelihood that your relationship could become toxic or even abusive, which can be scary. Fortunately, there are resources available to help you if you need to leave your partner. [21]
    • If you are in an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
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    If you and your partner have kids, pay attention to how they act when your partner gets upset. Even if your partner’s anger isn’t directed at your children, they might still feel afraid, upset, or mad when your partner gets angry. Over time, this can cause emotional problems and could affect their relationships in the future. [22]
    • For instance, your children might learn that the only way to express their anger is to get loud or call someone else names.
    • Or, they might learn that it’s acceptable for their future romantic partners to be passive-aggressive and give them the silent treatment instead of communicating.
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Section 4 of 4:

Types of Anger

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    This is the easiest type of anger to spot. When someone is outwardly angry, they direct their emotions toward other people. They might yell, scream, break things, throw things, or even physically attack others. [23]
    • Outward anger is the most common. If your partner displays signs of outward anger, do your best to leave the room or the situation when he gets upset. Usually, people with a lot of outward anger tend to calm down quickly once they let their feelings out.
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    Inward anger is when the anger is directed toward yourself. Someone who is inwardly angry might call themselves names, deny themselves basic needs, self-harm, or isolate themselves from others. [24]
    • If your partner shows signs of inward anger, encourage him to talk to a mental health professional. A therapist can help him work through his emotions in a safe and constructive way so he doesn’t blame himself for everything.
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    Passive anger is indirect and is similar to being passive-aggressive. Someone who experiences passive anger might give others the silent treatment, sulk, or pout when they don’t get their way, or use sarcasm as a defense mechanism. [25]
    • If your partner is passive-aggressive, consider going to couples counseling to work on your communication skills. Passive aggression can break down communication, and a counselor will help you both find ways to talk to each other, even when you’re upset.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/aggressive-body-language/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/201704/the-intimate-relationship-with-an-angry-person
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/anger-in-men
      4. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/anger/
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/getting-anger-and-hostility-under-control
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201709/6-ways-the-most-emotionally-intelligent-people-handle-anger
      7. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/why-some-people-cant-apologize/
      8. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/anger/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spycatcher/201601/eggshell-relationships
      1. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/anger/
      2. ↑ https://www.med.unc.edu/beacon/wp-content/uploads/sites/598/2018/03/redflagabusivepersonality.pdf
      3. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/anger/
      4. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/anger/
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/201704/the-intimate-relationship-with-an-angry-person
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/201704/the-intimate-relationship-with-an-angry-person
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/201704/the-intimate-relationship-with-an-angry-person
      8. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
      9. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
      10. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm
      11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm
      12. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm
      13. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm
      14. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/anger-in-men#Types-of-anger
      15. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/anger-in-men#Types-of-anger
      16. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/anger-in-men#Types-of-anger

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