How to Tell If He Really Loves You but Is Scared to Say So

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Learn what to look for if you think a guy loves you
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Are you in a relationship with a guy that's just starting to blossom? Sometimes, men can be afraid to reveal their true feelings. But if you pay attention to how he treats you and how he acts around you, you can pick up on the signs that he loves you, even if he's afraid to say it. Keep reading to discover how he feels, plus expert tips on how to get him to open up more.

This article is based on an interview with our dating coach, Candice Mostisser. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • If you catch him staring at you a lot but he looks away when you make eye contact, that could be a strong sign that he's falling for you.
  • When he runs hot and cold, seeming eager to hang out with you one minute and pushing you away the next, he might be afraid of the feelings he has for you.
  • Acting nervous and fidgety around you could indicate that he loves you but he's afraid you might hurt or reject him.
Section 1 of 3:

Signs He Loves You

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  1. This is a classic rom-com scene for a reason—it's probably the best way to tell if he's falling in love with you but scared of where that might lead. This could happen because he wants to look at you but he doesn't want you to catch him doing it. Prolonged eye contact is likely just going to make him nervous and self-conscious, so he's going to pull away from that. [1]
    • Don't be afraid to meet his gaze . If you're into him as well, let him know by holding eye contact. He might warm up a little.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 542 wikiHow readers about the strongest indicator that someone thinks of you as more than a friend, and only 8% of them said if they point their hips and toes toward you . [Take Poll] Instead, see if they make repeated eye contact or get close to you.
  2. If he's afraid of falling in love, he might seem to run hot and cold. As soon as he gets closer, he backs away (or worse, pushes you away) because he starts to get anxious again. This can be a good sign that he actually is starting to fall for you in a big way, and he feels scared or conflicted about it. [2]
    • Don't rely on this sign too heavily unless you see some others to go along with it. Sometimes, if a guy's acting like this, he doesn't really know what he wants. At worst, he might be playing you.
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  3. You have his heart in the palm of your hands—who wouldn't be scared? He could be nervous because he knows he's falling for you. With that, you have the power to hurt him (which is what he's ultimately afraid of), and that makes him worry about saying the wrong thing or turning you off somehow. [3]
    • Feel free to smile or exchange a nervous laugh with him. If you mirror his nervousness, you're also telling him that it's okay for him to be nervous around you—he's in a safe space.
  4. It can be really hard for some guys to drop the L-bomb. He might be worried that you'll misinterpret what he's saying or that you'll think he's looking for something more serious than he really is. So instead, he might say, "I really like you a lot," or talk about all the other things that he loves. [4]
    • For example, the two of you are talking about where to go for dinner and you suggest an Italian restaurant. He says, "I love Italian," while gazing at you with a dreamy expression.
    • If he's suddenly saying he "loves" things a lot—when perhaps ordinarily he would use a different word—that could be an indication that he's just got love on the brain.
    • He might also say that he loves various things about you. For example, he might tell you he loves your smile, he loves your 'fit, he loves the way you look in the moonlight—anything but those three words.
  5. This type of humor might be a way for him to test the waters—he wants to see if you laugh along with him, or if you act like that sort of joking isn't funny at all. He wants to make you laugh, but there might just be some truth behind it. He's feeling you out to see if you've thought about these things too. [5]
    • For example, when you're comparing taste in food, he might say, "Can you imagine if we ever got married? It would be impossible to pick the menu unless we just had pizza!"
    • The joke shields him because if you responded to it negatively, he could claim he was just joking and didn't mean anything by it.
  6. If he seems to light up every time he sees you and gets excited whenever you're around, he's probably got some strong feelings for you. You can see this if, whenever you're around, he's only focused on you—as though there's no one else in the room. [6]
    • Get a sense of this by watching how he talks to or hangs out with other people. Does he give them the undivided attention that he gives you?
  7. People tend to pay closer attention to things that they love and are interested in. If he's remembering seemingly insignificant things you told him last week, he's likely smitten by you. He might even remember things that you don't remember telling him. [7]
    • For example, he might remember your mother's birthday when you've only told him once, or the name of your childhood pet because you told one story a few weeks ago.
  8. If his friends are really friendly and open and interested in getting to know you, that's a good sign that he's said good things about you. They want to get to know you better so they can understand why you make him so happy.
    • You can tell a lot about how he talks about you to his friends by how receptive they are to you. If they're excited and curious, that could mean that he's starting to fall for you.
  9. It doesn't matter the topic, he wants your take on it. He's interested in hearing what you have to say! If he has an issue pop up, he wants to know what you would do if you were in his situation. [8]
  10. If he's consistently making plans to be with you and puts you as a priority in his life, he's probably starting to fall for you. No matter how busy he is, you know that he'll always make time for you.
    • When he's not with you, he'll miss you—and probably let you know that.
    • He'll likely send you texts throughout the day to let you know that you're on his mind. Or he might just show up somewhere he knows you're going to be just so he can see you for a few minutes.
  11. Compliments are a subtle way of flirting and letting you know that he enjoys being around you. It also gives him a way to tell you things that he likes about you in a way that might be less scary or threatening than the L-word.
    • This is an even stronger sign if his compliments are really detailed and specific, or if he's complimenting you on your character and personality rather than your looks.
  12. It really is the little things that matter, and small tokens show that you're always on his mind and he wants to make you happy. Really personal items can show that he has pretty deep feelings.
    • For example, if he remembers that you said your favorite flower was tulips and sees tulips growing by the side of the road and picks one for you? He's a keeper.
  13. If you have something you need help with, whether large or small, he's ready and willing to do it for you. When you seem like you're dealing with too much, he offers to take some of the weight off of your shoulders. Anything to help you out! [9]
    • For example, if you're sick, he goes to the pharmacy to pick up medication for you and also bring some juice or other supplies he thinks you might need.
  14. He probably really loves you if he's willing—even eager—to be with you and help you out when you're struggling with something or not feeling your best. If he cares about you enough to put his own needs or wants aside and take care of you, that's a pretty big deal. [10]
  15. Did he drive an hour out of his way just to pick up your dog at the vet? That's an example of someone who's willing to put his own interests on the back burner if he feels like yours are more important. [11]
    • If he checks in with you when the two of you are out somewhere to make sure you're still okay or having a good time, that's another sign that he's putting your needs first.
  16. Bringing up things the two of you could do in the future is a sign that he's thinking about your life together. If he's being vague, though, it's likely because he's afraid of rejection. If you were to say something negative, he could just brush it off like it was no big deal because no real plans were made.
    • For example, when you're in a car together and drive past a bowling alley, he might say, "I haven't been bowling in years! We should go bowling together sometime, that would be fun."
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Section 2 of 3:

Why is he scared?

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  1. Anyone who has a painful relationship in their recent past is going to be skittish about getting back into another one—that's totally understandable. It can be hard enough for a guy to be vulnerable but it's even tougher when he's been burned before. [12]
    • Try to get to the bottom of what happened. If you can distinguish yourself from the person who hurt him, it'll be easier for him to open up.
  2. If he's recently come out of a relationship, especially a long-term one, he's probably not ready to jump into another one. This is usually a bigger issue if he wasn't the one to end the relationship, or if the relationship ended explosively rather than as a mutual parting of ways. [13]
    • Have patience here and give him time to heal. You don't want to be his rebound anyway, so let things progress organically rather than trying to push a relationship he's not ready for.
  3. Love can put a person in a very vulnerable position, especially if they're not confident that their feelings are returned. If he's unsure about how you feel about him, he might be afraid to put himself out there because he doesn't want you to turn him down. [14]
    • Anything you can do to reassure him of your own feelings will help here. Having an open conversation with him could calm his fears a bit.
  4. He might be afraid of feeling vulnerable—and he's not alone. This is an issue that a lot of men have. If he's used to suppressing his emotions, it's going to be really difficult for him to deal with them in this context. [15]
    • Even though you might see a romantic relationship as a good thing, it also means being vulnerable to another person and showing weakness, which might not be something he's comfortable with.
    • The safer he feels with you, the more comfortable he'll feel letting his feelings for you come out.
  5. If your society, culture, or religion would frown on him having a relationship with you, that might be part of what's making him nervous. Standing up to cultural norms you don't agree with is a hard thing to do. He might also feel conflicted or ashamed if he was brought up to think such a relationship would be wrong. [16]
    • Have patience and be willing to talk openly with him about the situation. You might find a compromise or you might not. Societal pressure can be really tough! Just empathize with what he's dealing with.
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Section 3 of 3:

Getting Him to Open Up

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  1. Do you really like him and want to get into a deeper relationship with him? Think about what that would entail. Make sure you understand your own feelings for him before you approach him about his feelings.
    • If he's already feeling uneasy, you don't want to make that worse. But if you're confident in your feelings, that confidence could rub off.
  2. When you ask him open-ended questions it encourages him to talk about his thoughts and feelings. This makes it easier for you to understand where he's coming from and what he ultimately wants out of the relationship. Here are some questions you might try: [17]
    • "What was your favorite part of our date last night?"
    • "How did you feel when we kissed for the first time?"
    • "How would you feel if I wanted to take this relationship further?"
  3. If you're interested in taking your relationship to the next level, let him know! Do it in a way where he doesn't feel any pressure and it's clear that he has time to think about it—you're just putting your feelings out on the table.
    • For example, you might say, "I really enjoy spending time with you and I'd like it if we made our relationship a little more serious. What do you think?"
    • Avoid putting him in a situation where he feels trapped or cornered like he has to respond to you in a certain way immediately and doesn't have any way out.
    • Definitely give him a chance to think about it if he needs to. Let him know that you can approach things in a way that isn't scary.
    • Take a chance to do this when the two of you are having a good time together and keep it light. He'll feel less pressure that way.
  4. By listening to him and being empathetic to his concerns, you'll help him feel safe. When you validate his feelings, you can help him understand that he's in a safe place and that you're not going to hurt him. [18]
    • For example, you might say, "I wanted to talk about this because I feel really close to you and I'd like for us to take this relationship further. I want you to know that you can be open with me."
    • If he starts talking about his feelings, listen and then validate them. For example, you might say, "I hear you saying that you're afraid to get too attached to me because you're still upset about how your ex treated you. That's totally understandable—I think anyone would feel the same way."
  5. Strong boundaries are important for a healthy relationship. If he's not ready to have this talk yet, that's okay! Trust him to get there in his own time. Don't try to push him to say or do something that he's not ready for yet. [19]
    • When he does talk, listen to his concerns and respect them. Don't try to debate him or convince him that he's wrong.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/11-ways-tell-if-your-lover-loves-you
      2. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22521-philophobia-fear-of-falling-in-love
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202109/signs-someone-is-nervous-around-you-because-they-you
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fear-intimacy/202203/why-men-struggle-say-i-love-you
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-bottom-line/201105/want-know-if-someone-likes-you
      6. ↑ https://herbrilliantfriend.com/14-solid-signs-your-guy-friend-likes-you-but-is-hiding-it/
      7. ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/12/relationships/falling-for-you
      8. ↑ https://herbrilliantfriend.com/14-solid-signs-your-guy-friend-likes-you-but-is-hiding-it/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/11-ways-tell-if-your-lover-loves-you
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201607/seven-signs-hes-really-in-love-with-you
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201607/seven-signs-hes-really-in-love-with-you
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201603/are-you-afraid-say-i-love-you
      4. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22521-philophobia-fear-of-falling-in-love
      5. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22521-philophobia-fear-of-falling-in-love
      6. ↑ https://sbtreatment.com/blog/men-and-emotions-the-importance-of-becoming-vulnerable/
      7. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22521-philophobia-fear-of-falling-in-love
      8. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-easy-ways-to-communicate-better-in-your-relationships/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201409/12-steps-getting-someone-open
      10. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm

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