How to Not Be Toxic in Your Relationships & Life

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Learn how to change toxic habits and become likable

Co-authored by Mason Martinez, BA Reviewed by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: March 29, 2024 Fact Checked

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Stop Being Toxic

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What is toxic behavior?

Did you know bad habits like pessimism or self-centeredness, when left unaddressed, can quickly become toxic behavior? No one wants to be the “toxic” person in their friend group, and the good news is—you don’t have to! Toxicity is a learned behavior that can be fixed to help strengthen your mental health and improve your relationships.

Things You Should Know

Turn toxic habits into positive ones by reflecting on and acknowledging past behaviors. Take responsibility and apologize to those you’ve hurt.
Build a strong support group where you can be open and honest about your struggles. Be open to feedback from loved ones—they’re there to help.
Toxic behaviors cause physical and mental harm to others and include narcissistic behavior, manipulation, and criticism.

Section 1 of 2:

How to Stop Being Toxic

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1
Reflect on your habits and behaviors. We all slip up and say or do the wrong thing; that's a part of life! However, continuously engaging in toxic habits can create a bad rap for yourself and negatively impact your relationships. To move forward, consider how your words or actions make others feel.
- Jot down a list of your most recent behaviors that you've noticed. You can also ask a friend, sibling, or parent for insight.
- For example, if you're talkative, you can say, "I feel like I tend to talk over you or interrupt. Is this something that has been negatively impacting you?"
- Be sure to listen attentively by maintaining eye contact, offering short verbal affirmations, and asking thoughtful questions when appropriate.
- Their feedback can help you find a solution to correct your behavior. You can say, "I see how that can make you feel. I'm sorry for interrupting you. In the future, I'll wait a few seconds before adding to the conversation." ^{[1]
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Address external factors that influence your behavior. More often than not, behaviors are learned and modeled after influential figures. ^{[2]
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Research source} If you grew up with a manipulative person, you might believe repeating this behavior is okay. Or, if you experienced bullying, a need to criticize others may stem from a lack of self-esteem. Take a moment to understand where your toxic habits come from to address them properly.
- Confide in people you trust or a professional mental health counselor, as toxic behaviors can be the result of an emotionally abusive environment.
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3
Allow yourself to be open and honest. Working to change your behavior is no easy feat; that's where clear communication can help. Be honest about where you're at in your journey and open about areas you're struggling with. You can't expect to get everything right the first time. Still, as long as you show you're putting in the effort to make positive change, your loved ones will understand bumps along the road.
- When talking about what you need in your healing journey, use "I" statements such as "I need," "I want," and "I feel." ^{[3]
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- Be open to compromise if someone can't meet your needs. Together, you can find a resolution that will keep you both happy and comfortable.
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Show compassion and empathy to others—and yourself. Whether you or a loved one is having a bad day, there's no need to add more negativity. For some, negative thought patterns are automatic, like, "I'm not good enough" or "I'll never be happy." ^{[4]
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Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
Go to source} But instead of continuing down a spiral of negativity, pause. Remember, everyone is doing the best they can. That includes you.
- Showing empathy is critical in these moments as it teaches you how to put yourself in someone else's shoes to be aware and sensitive to their feelings.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1043 wikiHow readers what’s the biggest challenge they face in forgiving themselves, and 66% said letting go of guilt that they hurt someone. [Take Poll]
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Apologize when you’re wrong. Being wrong about something doesn't make you weak or less intelligent. Being accountable for your actions is a sign of personal strength and growth. An apology is needed when being "right" dismisses someone else's experience or feelings.
- For example, imagine you went to dinner with friends without telling your significant other. You're out late, and they're concerned about your whereabouts.
- Instead of brushing off how they feel when you get home, apologize by recognizing and appreciating their concern. Afterward, find a solution to improve your communication going forward.
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Share your gratitude with words or actions. Stop and breathe if all you want to talk about is spewing negativity. Everyone has things that frustrate them, but to allow minor inconveniences to ruin your day is exhausting for you—and everyone around you. Instead, concentrate on the positives of your day.
- Express gratitude for being able to get out of bed or make an effort to buy a loved one flowers as a nice gesture. All it takes is one act of kindness to make someone's day.
- By incorporating gratitude into your life, you may begin to feel more positive emotions, improve your mental health, and build stronger relationships. ^{[5]
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  Harvard Medical School
  Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
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Develop healthy coping mechanisms. You're allowed to be upset or frustrated, but how you manage negative emotions can affect your relationship with yourself and others. Instead of raising your voice or being condescending to others to manage your anxiety, physical movement is a great outlet to release stress and tension.
- Aerobic exercises such as walking or cycling can help reduce anxiety by making your "fight or flight" system less reactive. ^{[6]
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  Harvard Medical School
  Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
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- Healthy coping mechanisms don't always involve physical activity. It can be as simple as journaling or creating a to-do list.
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Be kind to yourself. It's hard to show yourself compassion once you've acknowledged the hurt you may have caused others. But you can't be kind to others without being kind to yourself. When you're struggling, sit down in a quiet area. Write down any progress and accomplishments you've made and what you're proud of. ^{[7]
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Research source} It can be as simple as having a good conversation with a loved one.
- You're going to slip up—everyone does. It's what makes us human! But as long as you keep trying, that's what counts.
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Surround yourself with a strong support group. When you need extra support, reach out to close friends, partners, or family members. Share your struggles and concerns so they're not building up inside you.
- Choose people who want to see you grow and succeed. Surrounding yourself with negative people will only encourage your toxic habits.
- Your loved ones may offer advice. While you don't have to take their suggestions, remain open to new possibilities. You never know when a piece of advice may be relevant to you!
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Ask for feedback from loved ones. Identifying toxic traits may not be easy when you're acting on them—that's where feedback comes in handy. If you're ever unsure if a specific behavior is toxic, don't be afraid to ask. If you tend to dominate conversations without realizing it, pause. You can say, "I'm sorry, I notice I've been talking a lot. Is this something I do a lot?"
- In this response, you're taking time to self-reflect and address something that may be a toxic habit. By following up with a question, you're allowing the other person to chime in and provide feedback in a way where they feel safe to do so.
If you still find yourself repeating toxic behaviors, seek professional support. A therapist can help you reflect on your behaviors and what triggers them. ^{[8]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} For instance, if you grew up in a household that made you feel unheard, you may have picked up a toxic habit of speaking over people. A licensed professional can work with you to replace bad habits with healthy ones.

Section 2 of 2:

What is toxic behavior?

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Toxic behaviors add negativity and physical or mental harm to others. Anyone can have a toxic moment, such as making a mean joke or being pessimistic after a hard day. A behavior is toxic when it’s any ongoing action meant to bring negativity or harm to themselves and others. Toxic traits are not limited to the following examples:
- Manipulation: This includes controlling behavior and gaslighting to make others feel guilty.
- Narcissism: If you know someone in your life who is always making things about them, that’s a narcissistic trait. They will always put their own needs above yours.
- Inconsistency: Depending on the situation or what they need to accomplish, toxic individuals often change their perspectives, attitudes, and behaviors to make things go their way.
- Criticism: Toxic individuals often make others feel wrong no matter what they do.
- Unapologetic: On a similar note, toxic people refuse to accept fault or responsibility for their actions after blaming blame or being judged. ^{[9]
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