How to Stop Your Best Friend from Controlling Your Life

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA

Last Updated: August 9, 2024

If you have a friendship with a controlling friend, it can be overwhelming—especially if it’s someone you consider to be a best friend and you don’t know what to do. Remember, you can always end a friendship if it has become so toxic that you can’t handle it anymore. There’s absolutely no shame in that. But if you’re looking for ways to mend your friendship, follow these simple and easy steps.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Determining the Controlling Aspects in Your Friendship

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Consider what makes you feel controlled in your friendship. A best friendship isn't to be set aside lightly, so you do need to be sure that there is a real issue at hand. Signs of being controlled include:
- Your best friend talks over you, both in private and in public.
- Your best friend never does things your way or agrees to doing the things you like doing. They have no idea of what compromising consists of.
- You might occasionally feel suffocated, as your best friend tells you what you will do, what to wear, who to see and not see, where to go, etc. If you do anything differently, they get angry or put on a sulk.
- Your friend expects a great deal from you but fails to do much or even anything for you.
- Your friend fails to stick up for you when it matters but is more than ready to criticize you in front of others.

Part 2

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Talking to Your Best Friend

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If your friendship is a good one, a talk should be something it can withstand. Tell your friend that there are certain things that they do that bother you and cause you to feel taken advantage of. It is important to demonstrate with factual examples, so that your friend can see you've taken note of actual occurrences and you're not just making it up.
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Ask your friend to tone it down. Suggest that you'll tell your friend when they are falling into the tendency to be over-controlling, as a cue to stop it straight away. If your friend values you and the friendship, this should be a realistic thing to ask of them.
- Tell your friend that this is not the way friends treat each other and describe to them what you need to change.
- Show your friend that you are upset. In the right context, don't be afraid to raise your voice a little bit.
- If you do want to continue being their friend, tell them gently enough to help them understand and not be too mad or feel threatened.
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Be gentle in pointing out the habit. When your friend begins trying to control you, just discreetly say, as if you didn't want to embarrass them, to stop telling you what to do.
- Show or explain to your friend what they are doing and tell them how to fix it. For example, when your friend tells you to come with them to the park next Tuesday, explain that you don't want to be controlled. To fix it, expect your friend to ask you whether or not you want to go somewhere or do something rather than simply telling you.

Part 3

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Breaking Free

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In this case, you have options ranging from simply pulling away more but staying friends, to walking away from the friendship. See if you can try the softer options first, before ending a friendship.
Practice your independence. Become better at doing things on your own and taking responsibility to show your friend that you've changed and have taken control of your own life. Don't be available all the time; go out with other friends or do other things without your friend.

Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

Preserve your sense of self, always. "I feel like I belong everywhere I go, no matter where it is or who I’m with, as long as I never betray myself. And the minute I become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere."
For example, when your friend begins to boss you around, don't do what they say. Just ignore what they tell you, and they will get the indication to stop doing it.
It is not fair for you to be someone's puppet. If you find it too hard to stop the behavior alone, consider telling someone who can help. Tell someone close to you what's been happening, and ask for their advice on how to handle it.
It's hard to be in a situation like that, but go with your gut feeling and realize that you have the power to stand up for yourself.

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