Break Up or Stick It Out? Signs It May Be Time to End Your Relationship

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Figure out if your relationship is just in a rut…or if it’s time to run for the hills
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At some point in almost every relationship, you wonder if you’ve really found “the one”...or if the grass is greener somewhere else. But how do you know for sure? Are you and your girlfriend just in a rut, or are the red flags telling you it’s time to make a run for it? Well, we can’t tell you whether your relationship should end, but we can walk you through figuring it out for yourself. We’ve compiled a list of different possible reasons you might consider breaking up with your girlfriend, as well as expert advice on whether to end the relationship—or if it might be salvageable after all.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship counselor, Jason Polk, owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Ask yourself if there are any red flags in your relationship, like abuse, waning interest, mismatched investment, or anything else.
  • Talk to your girlfriend about your concerns. If she’s willing to listen and make changes, the relationship might be salvageable!
  • Trust your gut, but know that just because you’re having doubts right now, you don’t have to break up if you don’t want to.
1

You aren’t happy.

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    OK, it sounds obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many people stick with a relationship they’re miserable in just because they feel like they should or they don’t realize how much better off they could be with someone more compatible (or nobody at all). Ask yourself: are you happy with your current girlfriend? Sure, no relationship is hearts and butterflies all the time. But if you’re generally unhappier more often than you’re happy, it’s a sign something’s not right.
    • Is your unhappiness due to your partner? Or is it due to just…life? Sometimes, when you’ve been with someone for a while, it can be hard to figure out if they’re contributing to your mood or not. [1]
    • Ask yourself if your unhappiness is something that could be solved by your girlfriend making any specific changes—for instance, being more supportive.
    • If you haven’t already, try talking to your girlfriend about how you feel about the relationship. If she’s willing to listen and help you repair things, the relationship may be fixable.
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2

You keep fantasizing about dating other people.

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    By nature, a committed relationship means giving up the possibility of dating other people (unless you decide to become non-monogamous ), so it’s normal to wonder occasionally if you’ve made the right choice or to get a grass-is-greener mentality from time to time. But if you’re regularly fantasizing about dating other women or thinking about how much better your life would be if you had a different partner, it could be a sign your current girlfriend just isn’t right for you.
    • Avoid the trap of thinking that just because you’re attracted to another woman, you should break up with your girlfriend to be with her. Everyone gets crushes sometimes, but don’t let it cloud your judgment.
3

She’s not “the one.”

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    You may have really liked this girl at first—maybe you love her—but if you’re not in love with her, do her a favor and let her find someone else. And you can too.
    • It’s normal to lose some of your passion and excitement after the honeymoon stage of your romance, but if you’re not attracted to her or having fun anymore, it’s probably a sign the relationship has an expiration date.
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4

You’re fighting a lot.

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    All couples fight sometimes , but constant fighting is a sign not all is well. And it’s not just how often you fight, but how long you take to make up. Do you handle disagreements swiftly and respectfully? Or do your arguments last for days without resolution?
    • Fighting isn’t an automatic red flag, but if your girlfriend is ever emotionally or physically abusive, that’s a sign the relationship probably needs to end. Your safety and well-being are worth it.
Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Should We Break Up?

You aren’t feeling super happy or comfortable in your relationship—but is it really time to end things, or are you two just going through a rough patch? While the future of your relationship is ultimately in your hands, you’re not alone as you wrestle with this tough question. Take this quiz to get a second opinion on the status of your relationship—and whether it’s worth sticking things out or not.
1 of 15

Describe your current relationship in a single word:

5

She betrayed your trust and you can’t move past it.

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    Trust is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Hey, it’s a cliché because it’s true! Nobody is perfect in a relationship, but some mistakes are just too big to get over, like an affair, financial infidelity, or another devastating betrayal. If your girlfriend hurt you and you feel like you can’t trust her, it’s worth considering if the relationship has come to an end. [2]
    • Some couples find a way to move through infidelity, but many don’t. Even if you both want to work through things, trust isn’t always so easy to rebuild.
    • If your girlfriend broke your trust once and is remorseful, it might be worth trying to work through it, but if she consistently betrays you, it’s best to cut your losses. She’s not worth it.
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6

Your sex life just isn’t good.

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    You’ve probably heard people say that sex isn’t the end-all-be-all in a relationship, and they’re right. But it’s still pretty darn important! Unless you and your girlfriend are asexual, if there aren’t sparks in the bedroom, your relationship will take a hit.
    • Lots of couples go through lulls, especially after the honeymoon phase has ended. You might not be sexually compatible, but it's also possible you just need to spice up your sex life a bit. [3]
7

The relationship is moving too fast.

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    Do you feel like you’re being swept along by a current that’s too strong to get out of? You might really like this girl—you might even love her—but if things are moving too fast, the stress and anxiety can outweigh your desire to be with this girl.
    • You might just need time to pause and think about what you really want. Maybe you’re not ready for a big commitment right now—or maybe you are, but you need to move slowly.
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8

You’re only with her out of obligation.

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    Nobody wants to be the bad guy! Breaking up is hard to do, and the idea of wounding someone you might really care about is enough to make a lot of people just suck it up and stay in a relationship that isn’t really serving them. But you’ve got to rip that bandage off. She might be devastated at first, but she’ll be better off in the long run—and so will you.
    • Even if you made promises of eternal love and fidelity, even if you’re living together, even if you share a Costco membership, don’t stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy.
    • You may have invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship, but don't let the sunken cost fallacy—i.e., the mistaken notion that it's worth committing to something (like a relationship) that isn't right for you just because you've invested a lot in it—keep you from doing what you need to do. [4]
9

You have different goals and values.

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    Maybe things seemed great at first, but now you’re realizing you’ve got different trajectories. Or maybe you both just grew in different directions. Growth is a part of life, and for better or worse, we don’t stop growing when we enter a relationship. If you can’t see a future with your girlfriend, it might be time to say goodbye.
    • Do you have mismatched values? Maybe it was fun to debate politics when you first started going out, but now you realize you need someone whose views align with yours.
    • Are there any dealbreakers you don’t share? For instance, maybe you really want to settle and have kids, but she wants to become a childfree world traveler.
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10

You would rather be alone than with her.

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    Everyone needs alone time, and it’s important that couples have their own friends and hobbies and independent lives. But if you don’t like spending time with your girlfriend, it might be a sign she’s not the one for you.
    • You may just need some breathing room. If you feel smothered, it might benefit you both to take a break from one another and see how you feel after time apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.
11

You’re more invested than she is.

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    When was the last time you felt close to your girlfriend? Does it feel like you’re the only one making dates, initiating sex, and trying to solve problems or strengthen the relationship? That’s a lonely place to be. Mismatched investment kills love: inevitably, the more invested partner gets fed up with the less invested partner and the love dies.
    • If you’re the only one working to repair your relationship, consider that it might not be worth repairing in the first place. It takes 2 to tango. [5]
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12

You’re only with her because you’re afraid of being single.

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    There’s no shame in being lonely, or in dating someone because they make you feel less lonely. But if you’re only with your girlfriend because you don’t want to be alone or you’re worried you’ll never find anyone else, that’s a sign it’s time to end the relationship. You’ll be OK. We promise. [6]
    • In the long run, settling for someone who's not right just because you're afraid you'll never find anyone else is likely to set both of you up for anxiety and resentment.
13

Your gut says you need to end the relationship.

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    What do you feel in your core? There might not even be a real "reason" to break up, but your gut often knows when a relationship is just wrong for you, even if you can't pinpoint why. [7]
    • But remember that just because you’re considering breaking up doesn’t mean you have to. Everyone thinks about ending their relationship at some point, or wonders what it would be like to break up. [8]
    • Take some time to reflect on the situation: journal , talk to a therapist or trusted friends, and be sure to practice good self-care by exercising, eating well, and pursuing your goals. You may find that when you feel more confident about yourself, you’ll feel more certain about the relationship too.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Why am I so hesitant to break up?
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    There might be a discrepancy between the rational and emotional parts of your mind. Rationally, it might make sense for you to end the relationship, but emotionally, you might not be ready to leave. The solution is to go deeper into your belief system and explore what you're afraid of. What is the driving force behind these emotional strings? If you're being gentle with yourself, you might learn a lot about yourself and the unconscious aspects of what's driving you.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about acknowledging relationship problems, check out our in-depth interview with Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201808/top-10-reasons-relationship-break-ups
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201808/top-10-reasons-relationship-break-ups
      3. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/spice-up-sex-life/
      4. ↑ https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1985-20101-001
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201808/top-10-reasons-relationship-break-ups
      6. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24128187/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/201505/3-reasons-why-you-have-trust-your-gut
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-relationships/202104/dont-let-doubts-doom-your-relationship

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